My second TRUE LOVE SONG… You and I by Stevie Wonder. It doesn’t seem real to me…not yet. But it was beautiful!
Flickering
There’s a candle flickering in my room.
It’s right beneath a black and white picture of a tree. The picture came with the room. The candle didn’t.
I was under the covers for two hours, my skin feeling good against the sheets. I hugged myself close as my mind raced with all kinds of memories. I tried to stop the bad ones, but then after fighting with them, I decided to just let them flow. I feed myself so much positivity that whenever I dwell on a negative thought for too long, a voice comes in, from deep within, and tells me, “That’s not true. Don’t believe that. You’re better than that.”
Much different from the voice I used to hear. I used to call it the devil but..I don’t believe in that anymore.
I spend a lot of time alone. I bet you didn’t know that. My solitude brings me peace because I feel like I have some sense of control over who is involved in my life. My solitutude also forces me to confront attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve me.
On the real though…I miss my boys. It’s been 3 years since they went to live with their father and I went….haywire I guess. Chasing after some unknown dream and having adventures along the way. They are really…my only friends. The only people I laugh with, watch TV with and talk to about life on a regular basis.
I miss them but it doesnt hurt as much anymore because I see that they are flourishing. I miss them and I can not believe what a grand life they have. They don’t have to worry about not having money. They don’t have to worry about anyone telling them that they are worthless. They are charmed.
And when I look into their eyes I see myself. My future. Me…silently…sitting in a tree. I try to remind them that they are wonderful just as they are. I want to plant that seed in them just in case someone tries to steal their joy. “No one defines you but YOU,” I say often. They smile at me and nod.
This has been a wild year huh?
For all intents and purposes I had a boyfriend. Even though we no longer speak, I am glad that I met him. Even though he turned out not to be good for me, I am glad he crossed my path. I’ve learned something valuable too…listen.
If you meet a man who tells stories about an abusive relationship he was once a part of, understand that he is apt to repeat that pattern. Walk away.
I’ve also learned that I am STILL the number one player in MY game of life. I laugh at how silly I used to be, needing someone’s validation on my life choices. No more…
But you know…it would be nice to hear.
I think about the evolution of my friendships and the paths that each of my friends have chosen. I wouldn’t choose any of their paths but it is so delightful to hear the stories. Their pride makes ME proud.
Am I proud of ME yet? Man..I’m working on that.
For some reason I still can’t see how far I’ve come or how much I’ve grown. Not yet. And if I don’t have my main goals accomplished then how far have I really come?
I don’t want my circumstances to dictate my self love because really…I’m doing a job that I absolutely LOVE…despite the money. I am learning great tools to help others to achieve the very goals that I hope to achieve one day. My boys are fine. I am fine. I am really okay.
Wow…my candle just went out.
I wonder what that means.
They Make Me Smile
I ain’t friendly…
At least not to people I don’t know. And I make it a habit that whatever job I have..I do NOT make friends cuz….I ain’t friendly. Duh..
But for some reason…at this job. I really like the people. They’re different from me in their life goals but at this moment in time we are the same. And they opened their arms to me and invite me out. They treat me well. They confide in me.
I’m not one to get caught up in the usual bullshit at work because I listen more than I speak and I don’t repeat shit. I don’t care about winning friends. I don’
t care about advancing so I never have to kiss up
But even with all the behind the scenes drama…I really like it at Red Lobster and I’m glad I’m there. There’s a reason for my being there…and I’m open to embracing it.
Hoping the BIG TIPPERS come out today cuz I’m serving lunch!
Anyone want some Endless Shrimp?
True Love Experiment- Day 4- India Arie- He Heals Me
Could this really be real?
Next Lifetime
I had a beautiful time with my sons and I didn’t want them to leave.
I have no friends here.
I feel alone all the time.
I suck at school.
I have nothing going on.
I don’t feel so bad about it though cuz…
Maybe I’ll get it right next lifetime…
Still Figuring It Out
Ughhh…
My chest hurts. I feel like I need to be burped. Man..twitter is taking all the life out of my blogging. I get on there and tweet away and by the time I’m done…I have nothing left to say in this old blog. But I’m trying to stay faithful even though I’ve already quit ONCE back in 2007 and I don’t want to do it again. I like writing.
Today I just realized that I quit everything when I get tired of it. Does anyone else do that?
I quit relationships, jobs. goals, dreams, whatever. It doesnt matter cuz I feel like I can always do something else. But is there a difference between quitting and stopping?
I stop doing stuff. I start something else. I enjoy starting and organizing and making it work like magic but then…I ain’t with the maintenance part. When it becomes repetitive, I begin to pray for something else to do.
I do well at everything I do, but nothing holds my interest for long. Having 3 hour classes really gets to me. By the end of class I’m standing up, bouncing around and trying to NOT drift off to sleep.
I wonder what’s wrong with me?
I want to see something I do really take off but…I keep leaving before I can see what will happen with it.
I want to be different but I don’t know how….
Or if I can…
I run away….
Run to something else… do well for a while and then walk away…
I’d love to just start something up, make it brilliant and then pass it along for someone else to maintain.
Why can’t I do that?
I don’t know. I’m 30. Shouldn’t I be past this BS?
Tiny Update
Ahhh…
I finished my paper last week and I didnt even break a sweat while doing it. I love research. I love writing. If it wasn’t for the stupid politics in academia, I’d get my PhD.
I met a customer yesterday who is working on his doctorate and we spoke for a minute about how politics kills the whole fun of learning. He told me that he took a class and the professor told him that he was a horrible writer and with a surname like his, he would never make it. Then the professor failed him.
He is now taking the class again and the new professor is LOVING his work and he’s made all A’s on his assignments. See how subjective that shit is? If it was for the mere fun of it, i’d get a PhD. I don’t really want to teach at a college but I do want to learn to research and design studies and stuff. Who knows what will happen?
I’m having a great day today. Tomorrow I get to pick up my boys and we’re gonna eat out again! I adore them. There’s no other way for me to show it right now so I hope my words and hugs and kisses are enough.
I spoke with DEEP last night. The convo was crazy. He was all angry sounding and I guess I would be too if I were him because I changed my number and didn’t give it to him…but…if we’re really friends we’ll get over it. I wonder if we are.
I’m updating my youtube channel more often and trying to update my other blog too. I’m still on TWITTER being emotional and talking trash with the ppl I follow. Thanks so much to everyone who is subscribing to all of them. I do it for the fun of it in hopes that you will smile and have a bright day.
I keep reading that things manifest quickly when you DESIRE then RELEASE the desire so I desire:
A beautiful, spacious home with my sons that I can afford.
A nanny to help when I have to go to work.
A chance to do my creative thing in ANY area and get paid abundantly.
I keep going after opportunities but none have been a good match. I’m not pressured anymore but I would like to fix my car and stuff. Maybe get a haircut and even go to Red Lobster to EAT some of that yummy food I serve.
Anyway…
later…
Joyful Joyful
~sigh~
My life is a miracle…
Remember that?
I think it’s the beautiful energy in the air as my boys and I settle down for a good night’s rest. I know I’ll sleep well tonight because 1) I didn’t sleep at ALL last nite. 2) Having them in my bed makes me sleep like I’m on a cloud.
We decided to go for Chinese food on the way home today. As we pulled up to the light around the corner from the Chinese food place my boys asked if the radio station I had applied to ever called me back.
“No. I keep calling and emailing but they haven’t called me back yet,” I said as I glanced into the rear view mirror.
My younger son spoke up. “Well, why don’t you call the other one then. They’re better anyway.”
Not being one to waste time, I shrugged my shoulders and picked up my phone. The number was already saved (he..he..) so I called them up and asked to speak to the Promotions department. When they connected me I gave them my very best introduction and told them that their team would really benefit from having me.
“I’m glad you feel that way,” the gentleman replied. “But we’re not hiring right now.”
“Well, if you’re ever in need of a dynamic individual with experience as a journalist, a DJ and an entertainment host then you’ll need to call me.”
He paused before replying, “Why don’t you give me a call in the morning to schedule an appointment to meet with me?”
“I sure will! Have a beautiful day!”
I parked my car and jumped out, hugging my boys tightly! I really do have the best jits in the world!
I’m so happy right now! yeah yeah, I know…I usually write when I’m sad or confused because writing helps me to lay everything I’m feeling on the table and sort things out. But today…as my boys snuggle beneath the covers waiting for me to finish writing so that we can cuddle until we fall asleep..I’m feeling nothing but peace.
I love my friends. I love my sister. I love all the people in the world right now…
yeah, I know…there’s this little itsy bitsy thing I have to get over called EXTREME HATRED FOR MEN…but that’s just…you know…something I’ll deal with in time.
In other news…
Today I continued the rigorous work of releasing myself from the pressure of achieving greatness. It feels like its a gradual thing as I redefine what greatness is and try to just relax about shit.
Damn….I know I’m the shit…I can do anything and do it WELL. I don’t have to prove it to anyone, not even myself.
So today I decided to just…go with the flow a little more. I was mad at myself last week for not ever taking one project and sticking to it for a long time. You know, I’ll try something for a few months and then master it and move on cuz I’m bored and I want to do something new.
Well…what’s wrong with that?
Because I have done that so much I’ve enjoyed so many different careers and talents….
So there are obviously some things that I would love to do next and I don’t have to make millions doing them. I just have to ENJOY doing them… And I give myself permission to enjoy myself as I try out different things. Eventually one of them will stick, or who knows, maybe having experience in ALL of these areas will make me a better candidate for…whatever is in store for me.
So here’s a short bucket list of things I’d like to do sometime soon….as far as my career is concerned.
Ms. Tee’s FUTURE accomplishments
Congratulations Ms. Tee, you have just completed a Masters Degree in Counseling!
Congratulations Ms. Tee, you have just written and produced your first play!
Congratulations Ms. Tee, your first scholarly research article has just been published in a Family Therapy Journal!
Congratulations Ms. Tee, you have just been hired to host your own show on FM radio!
Awww SHOOT! Wow. I feel great just WRITING all of that! and even if it doesn’t happen…oh well… At least I’ll have fun trying…
I kinda like..love my life right now…
I hope this feeling lasts even after I drop my boys off to school tomorrow morning.
Oh Well…
Ughh… It’s 3am again and I still haven’t fallen asleep.
I was so tired during class and as I drove home but when I got here I got a burst of energy.
Then I hopped online to relax my mind and I found this cool website that you can make wishes on. It forces you to believe in your wish and I think it’s pretty positive. It’s called Real Wishes.
I made 8 wishes and I do hope they come true. You have to keep track of your wishes by visiting the site everyday for 8 days and standing outside under the moonlight every night. Yeah, I know it sounds kind of corny or even like a spell, but I don’t consider casting spells to be the devil’s work anymore. I don’t believe in the devil at all anyway…
I do believe in focused energy and making wishes or setting intentions or even making a wish on a candle or birthday cake is the same thing as prayer to me. Prayer is focused attention on something you want to happen. So are spells, except they have the added bonus of having an inanimate object to physically hold your attention toward.
That’s how I feel about Jesus now. In vibration and energy work it is best to hold your attention on something that you want, feeling powerful emotion and watching it come to pass…and in religion, they use a figure or a symbol to use as a focal point so that you can harness that energy. When you call on the name of Jesus, that pure positive belief is just as powerful as someone who is working with pure energy of no name.
Now I see why religion works for so many people. They have something to believe in and therefore harness their energy much better in a socially acceptable way.
Hmmm….
Up late night trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. I hate this. This insomnia drives me crazy. Cuz when I’m up all I can think of are the recent events of my life and what I could have done differently and what is going on with my life and why I’m not where I think I should be.
I am the craziest person I know or at least I am not afraid to admit to my craziness.
Why do things happen the way they do?
Why am I so alone?
Why am I so bold as to follow my own path without looking for approval from others?
Is it wiser to get counsel? That’s what the Bible says. But now that I think of it, that idea makes you feel as though you can’t trust yourself to make the best decisions for your life, or at least the socially acceptable decisions.
I feel like screaming! I just want to rest sometimes. i want to drive without looking over my shoulder wondering if I’ll get pulled over cuz I’m riding dirty..again.
Shit..This no money shit is for the birds. For real. Red Lobster..come on. I need more money. My car needs the money.
~sigh~
And I’m tired of feeling this anxiety in my heart. I wish there was someone in my life to reassure me that everything will be alright but I have to reassure myself. But I can’t really assure myself because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just..trying. Trying. Trying…
Not trying to hold onto a job. Not trying to fit in at church. I’m trying…I don’t even know what I’m trying to do anymore. I’m just trying to…EAT I guess! That’s it! I want to EAT everyday and take care of my kids! Dang!
Maybe it’ll come sometime soon…
I put a bunch of my poetry on my youtube channel. It’s me reading them to everyone. My sister says my poetry is cute but I sound bad reading it. She suggests I get someone else to read it because, in her words, “You sound like Trina.” You know- the baddest bitch.
I mean…of course we probably sound alike, we’re from the same neighborhood and were raised around the same people. ~shrugs~ It’s MY poetry and even if I sound ghetto as hell, guess what? I’m from the ghetto! Oh well….