My Sister Is Losing Weight

My little sister has been the “big” sister for as long as I’ve known her. She’s 4 years younger than I am and even when I was in the 8th grade and she was in the 4th grade, we wore the same size clothes.

Last year, she got serious about her weight loss as she started to improve herself in every area of her life. She tried a million diets and some worked, some didn’t. I hated watching her go through it all and I am still a little concerned about her but she is now happier than she has ever been because this new diet worked for her.
She tried a pill called HCG and she says it suppresses her appetite. I don’t even recognize her anymore. She’s now…glamourous and totally into what she looks like. It’s all she talks about and all she thinks about. I’m not sure if I like her new attitude yet because I am NOT into that superficial shit but…she says she will never go back to what she was before.
Here is a pic of my little sister now…after going from 248 lbs to 180 lbs.

Born To Serve Through Love

I just had an epiphany…

They’re coming to me quickly these days. As I set out to do my True Love Experiment, you know, the experiment where I forced myself to listen to a love song each night to face my fear of love I didn’t have to wait the full 30 days…
See, before I used to get upset when I heard a love song. I didn’t believe that shit was real or maybe I just felt like I couldn’t celebrate in some bullshit that was never and never could be true for me. But I did it, I forced myself to listen to a love song each night and…by day 4 my friend Tonya suggested I listen to India.Arie’s He Heals Me.

After listening to this song over and over again everyday and every chance I have….I know that I’ll be okay. I hung out with my co workers last night and they were playing sappy love songs and I didn’t get mad. Not at all.

My favorite lyrics from this song are:
And even when I’m wrong
He is still kind
He chooses his words wisely
When he tells me I’m not right
And yes, he’s a beautiful man
But he’s also a beautiful friend

If only I could actually meet a man who treats me like this….
DEEP was so close and I miss him so much but the only thing that kept him from being damn near perfect was the fact that he spoke to me too aggressively. And when I tried to tell him I didn’t like that…he didn’t care, he would still do it anyway. I can’t have that in my life. I still miss him though. Every single night I do.
It’s crazy that the only “man” I have in my life now is Kanye. Yep, he hasn’t disappointed me yet. But then when I sit back and I try to figure out why I love him so much….the truth is…I want to help him heal.
Yeah, when I first noticed him, it was his outspoken nature and transparency that got me. He reminded me so much of me. His creativity and brazen lifestyle is so sexy to me. And even though when I think of him I never think of sex I still feel like I love him in the same way I love my friends…because he is who he is.
But lately I find myself fantasizing about meeting him and working with him through any issues that he may have. Crazy huh? Who says he needs my help? He could be just fine but I know that my daydreams include me helping him to heal any wounds that he may have and to guide him toward a magnificent career as a world changer and thought leader. Yeah, I know. I’m weird. Who even says he wants to be all that?
This reminds me of my first love, Bernard. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him. I walked into the bandroom my sophomore year of highschool and there he was. I looked at him and something tugged at my heart. He didn’t notice me at all. He was slim, dark skinned and nerdy looking with glasses and a jansport bookbag. Just perfect for me!
I saw him again a short while later and for some reason I felt like he was sad. I made up my mind to help him smile. That is why I started liking him, I felt like I could make him smile. I wanted to help.
And with my BBDD, I knew he had never been loved by a woman before. He didn’t show any hurt overtly but deep inside I knew he was jaded by that. One day I decided that I would be the first one to show him true love without conditions. And I did that. He didn’t value it.
And the last guy I messed with this summer, he had never been a part of a healthy relationship either. Mainly because of the way he views himself. But I felt like I could be a friend to him and love him like I love my friends…he didn’t appreciate it either.
I’m starting to notice a pattern here. Why am I always reaching out to men who have never been truly loved? Why do I want to be that healing agent for them?
Maybe it’s because…I’m seeking the same thing for myself.

Jumping Up at the Miami Carnival

I went to the last day of Miami Carnival celebrations last night. It was an outdoor concert featuring Beenie Man and Marchall Montana (sp?) I didn’t really want to go at first because I don’t understand what they are saying in those reggae, calypso songs and I don’t know how to whine my bottom…but I went anyway because I wanted to hang out with Tamara and dance…

So I went and I had a marvelous time!
I felt like I was on another planet as all my pressures and fears drifted away under the stars. Everyone was out there vibing on the beach, drinking, smoking and just…letting it loose. Tamara is from Trinidad and she gave me her Trinidad flag so I could “wave my flag in the air” and I did.
There’s one part where the person performing tells you to “jump up”. I did it! There’s no real reason to jump up but you just do it just because…and it felt GREAT!
I jumped and I jumped and I waved my flag and I jumped some more and I pushed people and we moved to the left…then the right then we whined down to the ground. Man…it was such an energy boost. I didn’t want it to stop but it did..only an hour and a half after we got there.
Men were trying to dance with me but I didn’t really want to cuz I don’t know how to dance. My hips get tired after a while and I go off beat. Its embarrassing….
But I’m so glad I got to go…. Man…just when you think you’re at the bottom, something cool like this happens and you get to be a regular person out enjoying yourself for a little while.
I am so glad for that….
And now…back to being me.

This Cute Chick

I met a girl last night…while I was on South Beach. She was so beautiful to me.

I met a girl last week…while standing on my feet. Serving lobster tails and biscuits. She was cute to me too. While I have had “experiences” with women back in college and a couple of times after, they weren’t with anyone that I was attracted to or that I loved. I have never been fascinated by or attracted to a woman until…
I saw that movie… I’m Through With White Girls. The lead character blew me away… Everything about her. I think I wanted to BE her…. Plus she was cute to me…
And then after I saw that movie, both women I mentioned kinda looked kinda like her…and they made me feel boyish and unattractive. But that’s how I feel on the inside. Like a boy… Which makes me feel weird when men are attracted to me.
I dont know where I’m going with all of this. I don’t think I could be in love with a woman… But I only love men who hurt me and don’t care afterwards…
I don’t know…I just wanted to express this..whatever it is….

The Magic Rock

My older son clutched a pinkish, sparkly rock in his hand when I picked him up from school this week.

“What is that?” I asked him.
“It’s my magic rock,” he explained. “We didn’t clean up our room and Daddy said he was gonna come and give us a spanking. I held the rock and wished that we wouldn’t give us a spanking and when he came up to our room all he did was tell us where to place things and no to put anything on the shelf. He didn’t spank us! The rock worked.”
I smiled and looked down at the rock as we walked toward my car.
“You know, there is magic but its not inside the rock. The magic is within you,” I told him. “You can use the rock as a focal point, a physical thing to focus all of your magic energy. But…with or without the rock, you still have the same powers. YOU are the magic.”
He smiled at me. “Mommy, can we take this rock and go buy something?”
“No. In this society, we don’t value rocks. We value gold.”
“But gold is just a rock.”
“I know, but as a collective society, we all decided to believe that the gold rock has value. We all have to agree on something for it to be true, well, in this society we do.”
“What if we called Obama and asked him to tell everyone that this kind of rock has value?”
“We could do that, but then all the countries in the world would have to agree too because we all use the same material- gold- as a point of value to trade.”
He looked at his rock and placed it into his bookbag.
“The whole society has to agree?” he asked.
“Yeah, I explained that to you before. It’s called social constructionism. Without it, it would be as thought everyone spoke a different language and no one would understand each other.”
I love teaching my boys about how ideas and BELIEF are really what make the world go round. I wonder how this will affect them as PEOPLE…
Guess we’ll have to wait and see…

Friendship Training

My friend Sylvia and I had it out last night.

Not so much so that she and I argue because we hate each other. In my mind it’s like a tug of war because we hold such different perspectives of the world. On here…I rant and rave and release my emotions, both positive and negative. But in my real life…on a day to day basis, I simply can not tolerate negativity or criticism from anyone. I won’t even tolerate it if the person is criticizing themselves.
Since I’ve been really into studying positive thought, energy work and the laws of the universe, I have changed from deep within. I still have the same friends, gratefully, but it’s been a trial pulling them with me.
Why should they change with me? They shouldn’t. They don’t have to. But to be honest, if we are going to stay friends, the topics of our conversations HAVE to change.
Since Tamara and Kim and I have been in touch regularly throughout my evolution, they have been able to see me shift my mindset and I share everything with them. Sylvia is a different story. She stopped talking to me when I wouldn’t make decisions the way that she makes them. Familiar happening…a lot of people do. It doesnt bother me much, because I believe that anyone who truly loves you will TRUST your evolution and support you if it doesnt hurt anyone else.
Who are you to judge someone else’s path? You know the right way for YOU…but you can’t direct someone else’s life.
Well, Sylvia has since contacted me and apologized for being so judgemental and I was right there ready to continue our friendship. I love her to pieces. She was my first and BEST friend from college.
The only thing is…when we reconnected, she still had the same bad habits that I used to have and it brought back painful memories. No, she doesn’t smoke or drink or anything like that…but…I remember a time when all of our conversations were about what man hurt us and how our parents hurt us and how the world is a horrible place.
That’s ALL we talked about. And we created a lot of misery in our lives by living in fear and spreading the negative energy to one another.
I don’t do that anymore. I try to look for the impending blessing in any situation instead of reasoning that our lives will be forever damaged by whatever happened. But Sylvia was still stuck in that mindset and I tried to pull her out of it.
We are such good friends that our arguments never turn into hate fests where we call each other names and try to hurt each other. If we disagree we really seek to understand each other.
Last night I explained to her that friendships are like a tug of war. Both people may be on opposite ends in their mind frames and lifestyles and eventually one will pull the other toward their way…if they stick around long enough.
So I’ve been pulling and pulling trying to get her to come my way and she has been resistant, assuring me that there is more pain and suffering in the world than there is good and we have to take note of it.
See…when you think like that you CREATE the pain and suffering in your world. Worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet…makes you LIVE the reality of that negative fantasy RIGHT NOW! It doesn’t really have to happen because you are already experiencing the negativity of it.
It’s either that I train her to come my way or I go (back) to the way she is. I don’t want to go back there. I won’t go. So either she develops a more positive attitude about life…positivity (and negativity) is contagious or we will run out of things to talk about and that will end our friendship.
I appreciate my other 2 friends Kim and Tamara because they allow me to test out my theories on them. Whenever I study and come across a new teacher with a new message about how to retrain our minds, I try it out on Tamara. I have her doing all kinds of excercises with me. LOL
The other night I watched an amazing video where the man talked about how we don’t have a good relationship in our lives because we keep telling the same old sad stories about the failures of our last relationship. We keep talking and talking and talking and repeating the same stories so often that they replay themselves over and over in new relationships. He suggested that we look at these same relationships and then talk about the GOOD that we experienced through them.
So I called Tamara up and explained what the man said. Then I said, “OK, now, we’re gonna go through our last 3 relationships with men and we’re gonna talk about something positive that we gained from it or something that we’d lie to see happen again in our lives.”
Tamara was silent. “I don’t know, Tee. I don’t know if I can do that.”
“Yes, you can. If I can do it, then you can. I’ll go first.”
Ok. With the last guy… ~biting my lip not to curse~ Yeah…with him, ummm…he taught me how to find a job at a restaurant and he taught me how to take the personality test so that I will pass it. I never pass personality tests for jobs and he made me listen until I understood their concept. If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t be at Red Lobster and making so much more than I was making at Denny’s. Also, he was the first man EVER to take complete care of me when I had nothing. When I was sick and DEEP was busy “doing his hair” this man invited me over and rubbed me down. When I needed help moving and looking for a new place, he was right there. I have never had that…a man willing to give.
Although there was plenty more I could say about how he tried me..I didn’t. I let it go and focused on what he brought into my life.
I went on to DEEP and our relationship and I sat there on the phone recounting the many times that he made me feel loved by reading to me over the phone and sharing in my passion for learning.
I took it back even further to the guy I liked before him. I needed help and he was right there, offering his creativity for FREE and even introducing me to key people who made an impact on my life.
No, I don’t talk to any of these dudes anymore. They don’t even have my new phone number…but still..knowing them (despite the drama that seperated us) made my life better.
That shit was hard.
And I made Tamara go through the same process. With one guy, she could not think of a single thing to say so I gave her something. “Didn’t he show you what it was like to be a part of a family? Don’t you hope to have that kind of experience again? Isn’t he the reason why you now know you want to be a wife?”
She agreed. And quickly changed the subject. LOL
SO I called Sylvia and explained the same excercise to her. She was livid. “HELL NO! I ain’t doing that! Fuck that shit! Those assholes…”
“But something good HAD to come out of you knowing them. Something that you would like ot happen again…” I pleaded.
We wrestled for hours until she calmed down and she said she would never participate in anything like that again because it hurts too much to sort through the pain to find the good points. I agreed. But..we can’t keep repeating the same sad love song, if we want to write a new one.
I am so glad my friends are growing with me. Even if they don’t believe what I believe, at least they humor me and respect my wishes when it comes to sharing energy.


It’s Halloween.
This year my boys are gonna be with their Dad. I have the day off from work.
What are my plans?
Small bottle of Ciroc. $5 pizza from Little Caesars. Bag of Chips Ahoy. Black & Milds. Internet.
Yeah…the usual…