Flickering


There’s a candle flickering in my room.

It’s right beneath a black and white picture of a tree. The picture came with the room. The candle didn’t.

I was under the covers for two hours, my skin feeling good against the sheets. I hugged myself close as my mind raced with all kinds of memories. I tried to stop the bad ones, but then after fighting with them, I decided to just let them flow. I feed myself so much positivity that whenever I dwell on a negative thought for too long, a voice comes in, from deep within, and tells me, “That’s not true. Don’t believe that. You’re better than that.”
Much different from the voice I used to hear. I used to call it the devil but..I don’t believe in that anymore.
I spend a lot of time alone. I bet you didn’t know that. My solitude brings me peace because I feel like I have some sense of control over who is involved in my life. My solitutude also forces me to confront attitudes and beliefs that no longer serve me.
On the real though…I miss my boys. It’s been 3 years since they went to live with their father and I went….haywire I guess. Chasing after some unknown dream and having adventures along the way. They are really…my only friends. The only people I laugh with, watch TV with and talk to about life on a regular basis.
I miss them but it doesnt hurt as much anymore because I see that they are flourishing. I miss them and I can not believe what a grand life they have. They don’t have to worry about not having money. They don’t have to worry about anyone telling them that they are worthless. They are charmed.
And when I look into their eyes I see myself. My future. Me…silently…sitting in a tree. I try to remind them that they are wonderful just as they are. I want to plant that seed in them just in case someone tries to steal their joy. “No one defines you but YOU,” I say often. They smile at me and nod.
This has been a wild year huh?
For all intents and purposes I had a boyfriend. Even though we no longer speak, I am glad that I met him. Even though he turned out not to be good for me, I am glad he crossed my path. I’ve learned something valuable too…listen.
If you meet a man who tells stories about an abusive relationship he was once a part of, understand that he is apt to repeat that pattern. Walk away.
I’ve also learned that I am STILL the number one player in MY game of life. I laugh at how silly I used to be, needing someone’s validation on my life choices. No more…
But you know…it would be nice to hear.
I think about the evolution of my friendships and the paths that each of my friends have chosen. I wouldn’t choose any of their paths but it is so delightful to hear the stories. Their pride makes ME proud.
Am I proud of ME yet? Man..I’m working on that.
For some reason I still can’t see how far I’ve come or how much I’ve grown. Not yet. And if I don’t have my main goals accomplished then how far have I really come?
I don’t want my circumstances to dictate my self love because really…I’m doing a job that I absolutely LOVE…despite the money. I am learning great tools to help others to achieve the very goals that I hope to achieve one day. My boys are fine. I am fine. I am really okay.
Wow…my candle just went out.
I wonder what that means.

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