Oh Well…

Ughh… It’s 3am again and I still haven’t fallen asleep.

I was so tired during class and as I drove home but when I got here I got a burst of energy.
Then I hopped online to relax my mind and I found this cool website that you can make wishes on. It forces you to believe in your wish and I think it’s pretty positive. It’s called Real Wishes.
I made 8 wishes and I do hope they come true. You have to keep track of your wishes by visiting the site everyday for 8 days and standing outside under the moonlight every night. Yeah, I know it sounds kind of corny or even like a spell, but I don’t consider casting spells to be the devil’s work anymore. I don’t believe in the devil at all anyway…
I do believe in focused energy and making wishes or setting intentions or even making a wish on a candle or birthday cake is the same thing as prayer to me. Prayer is focused attention on something you want to happen. So are spells, except they have the added bonus of having an inanimate object to physically hold your attention toward.
That’s how I feel about Jesus now. In vibration and energy work it is best to hold your attention on something that you want, feeling powerful emotion and watching it come to pass…and in religion, they use a figure or a symbol to use as a focal point so that you can harness that energy. When you call on the name of Jesus, that pure positive belief is just as powerful as someone who is working with pure energy of no name.
Now I see why religion works for so many people. They have something to believe in and therefore harness their energy much better in a socially acceptable way.
Hmmm….
Up late night trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. I hate this. This insomnia drives me crazy. Cuz when I’m up all I can think of are the recent events of my life and what I could have done differently and what is going on with my life and why I’m not where I think I should be.
I am the craziest person I know or at least I am not afraid to admit to my craziness.
Why do things happen the way they do?
Why am I so alone?
Why am I so bold as to follow my own path without looking for approval from others?
Is it wiser to get counsel? That’s what the Bible says. But now that I think of it, that idea makes you feel as though you can’t trust yourself to make the best decisions for your life, or at least the socially acceptable decisions.
I feel like screaming! I just want to rest sometimes. i want to drive without looking over my shoulder wondering if I’ll get pulled over cuz I’m riding dirty..again.
Shit..This no money shit is for the birds. For real. Red Lobster..come on. I need more money. My car needs the money.
~sigh~
And I’m tired of feeling this anxiety in my heart. I wish there was someone in my life to reassure me that everything will be alright but I have to reassure myself. But I can’t really assure myself because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just..trying. Trying. Trying…
Not trying to hold onto a job. Not trying to fit in at church. I’m trying…I don’t even know what I’m trying to do anymore. I’m just trying to…EAT I guess! That’s it! I want to EAT everyday and take care of my kids! Dang!
Maybe it’ll come sometime soon…
I put a bunch of my poetry on my youtube channel. It’s me reading them to everyone. My sister says my poetry is cute but I sound bad reading it. She suggests I get someone else to read it because, in her words, “You sound like Trina.” You know- the baddest bitch.
I mean…of course we probably sound alike, we’re from the same neighborhood and were raised around the same people. ~shrugs~ It’s MY poetry and even if I sound ghetto as hell, guess what? I’m from the ghetto! Oh well….

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