Month: June 2008

I had a great weekend. On Saturday morning I was able to watch my sons flag football team win their 7th consecutive game. They haven’t lost any games yet… I’m so proud of them.

After the game, the boys went with their Dad and his girlfriend and I came home to take a nap and then go over my writing goals for the day. I got one article completed and then started working on my next youtube video. Man…before I knew it, I had spent 3 hours figuring out how to convert the MOV file to a WMV file and find music and create an image for my opening sequence.

Yeah…I may be putting too much time into this, but honestly, it’s alot of fun. I think I’m a producer at heart. The idea of making a documentary appeals to me. I just need to do a bit more research and I’ll be able to start writing. ~sigh~

Sometimes I feel like I have too many talents. I don’t want to miss out on excercising any of my creative talents and I try to dabble in everything from writing, to producing, I do spoken word, all of that, man.

By 6:30 I was on my way to the Cheescake Factory for my friend Dianna’s birthday dinner. Dianna looked absolutely beautiful, as usual. I got to meet her other friends and an old friend from highschool. She and I sat there reminscing about the guys we had crushes on back in highschool.

“Do you remember Donovan Daniels?” I asked her.

“Oh yeah!” she said and laughed. “Didn’t you used to like him?”

“Uh..yeah.” I smiled.

“Girl, you used to go crazy whenever he came around in highschool. We all used to be like, ‘Tee is crazy'”.

“Yeah girl, well I saw him a couple of weeks ago,” I began and recounted the story of me and Donovan at his bachelor party kick-off.

We giggled and talked about our highschool days.

“Have you rode by Jackson lately?” she asked.

I frowned and looked away. “Yes, I have.”

“I almost cried when I saw it,” she told me.

“Yes, well, I did cry. Right in the car, right in the middle of traffic.”

They tore down our old highschool completely. Driving by there and seeing that really hurt my heart. As I cruised past, I could see the ghost of my former self, bouncing through the hallways with Anna and Tamara. All of that is over now. I wouldn’t go back, but that time remains a very valuable part of my life.

After the dinner, I rode out, intending to go home and continue working on my youtube video. On the way, I called up my guyfriend to see how he’s doing and he said, “Why don’t you come through? I’m grilling some steaks with my cousins and we’re playing dominoes.”

Aight.

I drove over there and when I step out of the car all of a sudden I feel nervous. You know I’m not the most sociable person, especially in a group full of men. I shake it off and walk inside the house, my guyfriend walking close behind me.

“Tee, this is my family. This is my Dad, my uncle, my cousins and those two are family friends,” Mr. X says.

“Hi,” I speak softly.

“Don’t be scared of us, come sit down. You play poker?”

“No,” I say and take a seat.

“You wanna learn?”

“No. Not really. I’m boring.”

“You’re boring? What do you like to do?” they ask me.

“Um..read and write,”I speak firmly. “Not really into games.”

They all laugh and I look over at Mr. X, hoping that he won’t try to push the issue.

“Come on,” he says. “You can sit by and try to catch on the game.” He pulls up a chair to the table and I give him a look, but I oblige.

15 minutes later, he’s leading me away from the table and outside.

“You ready to go home?” he asked me.

“Yeah, just about.” I smile at him.

Although I’ve only been hanging out with him for a few weeks, he has yet to try anything with me. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I keep telling him that I don’t like him like that. He usually listens and then says, “It’s whatever you want it to be.”

20 minutes later, I’m parking outside of his house and he smiles and opens the door for me.

I shake my head.

Damn. I know I don’t like him like that, but I sure do like the way he takes such good care of me. Whatever I want. Whatever I ask for. He always has it or gets it for me. I feel like a princess. And boy…I do love the way he sweats me so hard.

You would think I was Beyonce the way he looks at me.

He opens the door to his room and I look around and sit on his bed, removing my sandals. He walks over to me with a clean towel and wipes my feet for me.

“Now, you comfortable?” he asks.

“Yes, thanks.”

We sit up and watch TV until we fall asleep. Of course I feel him trying to make a move while I’m dozing off and in a way, I want him to, but then again, I’m just not feeling it, or him.

I’m so confused. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me because…I don’t meet men who I’m attracted to. That’s simply crazy to me.

And as I watch all of my friends in their delicious relationships, I’m wondering..Well, maybe my ability to be content by myself is a gift from God. There has to be some reason why no one excites me…

No one since…well, you know.

Man, that’s crazy. So crazy. I do like to be touched, but there’s no one around that I want to rub on me. When I’m with most men I meet, all I feel is..numb.

Hmmm….

So I met this dude last week at McDonald’s.

Oooo Weeee!

Can you say DAMN THAT MAN IS FINE AS HELL?!

Yowsa!

So last night I get out of class and I call up the artist guy, we’ll call him Luke. He gives me directions to meet up with him and I hop on 95 to get there.

“Do you like Karaoke?” he asks me. My eyes light up.

I LOVE KARAOKE!

When we get to the spot, I grab my lip gloss to freshen up before I step out of the car. As soon as I see him walk up to my car it seems like he’s walking in slow motion as my heart starts beating fast and I hear a soundtrack playing in my head:

LSG’s My Body

Body…. Body…
My Body all over your body, baby
Your body all over my body
My body all over your body,
It’s your body, boy
I want your body boy

I manage to compose myself as those fine ass bow legs come sauntering toward me. Dayummmm….

We hug and smile at each other.

“Let’s go inside,” he says and grabs my hand.

It’s a spot on 183rd called The Pub. He knows the owner, the bartenders, everybody. We sit at the bar and chat and I learn that he went to my neighborhood highschool, Northwestern and he used to play football while he was there. He then went on to FAMU, but I’m not sure what happened after that. Our legs are touching as we sit on the bar stools and I can tell that its intentional.

“How old are you?” I ask him and casually touch his leg.

“I’ll be 32 on Friday,” he replies, looking me in my eyes.

“Oh cool,” I say.

“So do you have any plans for Friday night?”

“Not really.”

“Well, then why don’t you come out with me and my friends? We’re going to dinner and then to the club.”

“Sounds fun. I think I’ll be able to make it.”

I finish one drink and I look at him and smile, “This drink was so weak. I need another one.”

“Well, I have a bottle of grey goose in the car if you wanna go take some shots with me.”

I laugh. “You’re so hood. Let’s go. I have cups in my car.”

I honestly believe that I manifested this situation because it feels like a dream to me. Our chemistry is off the charts, I can almost taste the attraction between us. We both take one shot and start talking about the day we met and what we thought of each other.

“I had no idea you were going to call me,” he said.

“Are you kidding? Once I saw those legs, that was a wrap.”

He blushed.

Then our eyes meet and we both smile and look away. I can’t even describe the feeling but our eyes spoke to each other.

“I want you,” they whispered.

“What are you thinking?” I ask him, feeling the heat of the vodka warming my chest.

He shakes his head and looks away. “Well…do you really want to know?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” I urge him.

“I’m thinking…Damn I want to kiss her.”

“Hmm…” I say.

“What do you think about that?” he asks.

“I think that would be a good idea,” I whisper.

And for the first time in forever…I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I kissed a man…

He leaned in and…we kissed.

It was kinda weird. I was so turned on by it though.

When we stopped, we both gulped and looked away.

“Let’s go back inside, I want to sing,” I said.

We had a wonderful, beautiful, glorious evening. I sang three songs and I even got a $5 tip from someone because they said I did a good job. I sang Lauryn Hill’s To Zion, Snoop’s Gin & Juice, and Michael Jackson’s Rock With You.

We laughed and laughed and drank and drank and even made out in the middle of the club. Me sitting on his lap, his friends kept stopping by to say hi. He’s so sweet. Damn…

The night didn’t end there.

Oh no…

I got everything I was hoping to get and I woke up this morning SMILING AND SINGING with a huge red mark on my neck.

~sigh~

I love being grown.

But you know what? Last night sure did make me feel like a college kid again…

I look forward to seeing him again for his birthday.

Wow.

I woke up with this bad feeling just now. I had a nightmare, yes, I did. One of those action movie plot type of nightmares where you have to run and hide from someone who wants to kill you and your family.

I hate those type of movies…but when I have a nightmare like that, I always make it through.

But anyway, when I woke up, I just had this feeling that I should leave Luke alone. Maybe it’s fear of relationship success or failure but, I think it would be best if I didn’t get involved with anything right now.

I’ma leave that alone, before I create a reason to hang on when, inside, although we had fun, something doesn’t feel right.

Damn…I was looking forward to that birthday party too.

As you start paying attention to the absolute correlation between the way you feel and what’s manifesting, then you understand that you hold the key to the letting it in.

If you could see an aerial view, and we can.

All of these things that you have been asking for are lined up right outsid e your door. Lined up right there. Endless people and places and circumstances and events all lined up to accommodate you. All lined up. And as you reach for the thought that feels a little bit better, some of them squirt in. As you reach for the thought that feels a little better, more of them will squirt in. As you reach Right away in the first day, of finding the delicious relief that rage give s you over depression, something will manifest. You will see movement in your experience just with that incremental change.

And you can imagine each day that you reclaim your ground, and you begin saying things like ‘Well I’m not there yet, I’m not into positive emotion, but I sure fe el better than I did.’

And everything in your experience, every relationship will adjust to the ne w stance you have found vibrationally.

Abraham-Hicks, San Antonio, TZ 11/22/03

My good friend Kim in Chicago called me late one night, about a month back.

“Girl, turn it on Tyra’s show. They’re having a show about how light skinned Blacks have it easier.”

I raised my eyebrow.

“Dawg, what are you trying to say?!” I half joked to my dark skinned sister on the other end of the line.

“I’m just saying this should be interesting.”

“Dawg, are you trying to say that you think I have it better? Is there a message that you’re trying to send to me?”

She laughed.

“I just thought you’d like to watch it,” she giggled.

As we watched the show I asked her all types of questions that we’d never discussed before. I’ve known Kim since we were 15 and we’ve always been good friends, but honestly, the issue of us being treated differently because of the difference in our skin color had never come up.

Kim admitted that she was often told that she was “pretty for a dark skinned girl” but she hadn’t allowed it to bother her. “Most of my friends are light skinned,” she said. “But I have noticed that sometimes when I go out with light skinned women and I get more attention from men, the girls will look like they’re dumbfounded, as though they never expected that to happen.”

******************************************

My best friend Tamara who lives in Atlanta, and I were chit chatting as usual today when I brought up the idea that entertainers help each other by doing cross promotions.

“Yeah, so I just read that Tom Joyner took his cruise to Turks & Caicos this year,” I said. “I think that was very smart because it gave press to Lisa Raye and her husband and their tourism industry plus it helped this year’s cruise to become more than just another TJ Cruise. Both camps benefited from this plan.”

“Speaking of Tom Joyner, I heard them on the radio clowing him the other day,” Tamara said.

“Why?”

“Oh girl, they were saying that he’s in love with Obama and he’s promoting him a little too much.”

“Ahh..But you have to look at WHY Tom is doing that,” I explained. “Think about where Tom is from and the era that he grew up in. I read his biography and he’s from Tuskegee. Think about how he grew up in Tuskegee which was during his day, the mecca for upwardly mobile Blacks in the entire country. So you got this guy who grew up influenced by people like George Washington Carver and Booker T. Washington. You know Carver was all about creating a Black community where Blacks were self sufficient. In Tuskegee, the whole town was run by Black people. They even had their own seperate power supply. They created that University to teach Blacks how to take care of all of their needs on their own.”

“So, that’s why he’s unapologetic about creating a nationally syndicated radio show about and for Black people when some could argue that he could have even made more money by catering to a more generic audience,” I continued without missing a beat. “So, him backing Obama is like ‘He’s Black, We can do this!’ I don’t know specifically why he backs Obama but even if it’s ‘He’s Black’ I bet Tom wouldn’t apologize. He supports Black people! End of story.”

********************************************************

My friend Kenya in Brooklyn called me up tonight to discuss details surrounding our latest joint project. As the conversation drifted to personal discussion as it usually does, I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes when I had to literally dry my hands and sit down as she went into this deep monologue about how she’s not feeling light skinned people right now.

She told me a story about how she watched as a light skinned woman who works with her is given so much favor even though she is unqualified and inexperienced. Kenya went on to describe in detail how she and her darker skinned friends have been often told that they were too dark to date.

“It’s not like they’re saying that we’re too shallow or too uneducated or too stuck up. Their only reason is the fact that we’re dark skinned,” Kenya said, a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Light skinned women can have their pick of all men across the board. There’s a saying that goes, ‘The Black woman is the mule of the earth’ or something like that, and I’m telling you that right now, I’m feeling like the mule!”

I didn’t know how to reply. Inside, I felt like ‘Damn what can I say? I know she doesn’t mean ME, but in a way, she DOES mean ME!

“Kenya,” I began. “I mean, I know this may sound stupid but I’m asking myself, ‘Does that still happen today?”

“YES! It happens,” she exclaimed. “All the time!”

“I mean, when I look at myself in the mirror I recognize that I’m light skinned with green eyes and now I’m wearing this blonde ass weave in my hair. I’m pushing the mainstream light skinned chick look these days, but should I feel guilty if looking like this helps me to get jobs or favor? What can I do about it? I can’t help how I look.”

“No, you shouldn’t feel guilty,” Kenya replied. “We should ALL be ashamed that things are still this way. We’re so divided among our OWN RACE. I’m tired of it!”

These last few days have been absolutely crazy. I had my boys for the week last week so when I have them, I try to do fun things and I’ll admit I go a little overboard sometimes.

On Friday morning we got up, had breakfast and then went over to get pedicures. The boys loved the experience, they even got sea salt massages. Then we had lunch at Subway and then on to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda. I don’t know if you pay attention to the messages that these “Kids” movies present but I find them to be consistently averse to typical western beliefs. For instance, in two of the movies that we saw including this one, one of the main characters dies without getting sick. He simply chooses to go, knowing that his work here has been done.

Sounds like a simple fantasy type movie, right? No way. Those beliefs are practiced throughout the world and I have read literature that teaches that you don’t have to be sick to die. Your soul chooses its departure time when its mission is up.

We were supposed to go to the pool, but we didn’t have time, after haircuts all I had time to do was pack up their clothes and return them to their Dad’s house before jetting off to my little cousin’s high school graduation.

After mingling with the fam, I went home and showered and got ready for my night out with Luke. Yeah, I know, I said I wasn’t going to see him anymore, but immediately after that feeling of fear came the revalation of the real issue behind the fear.

In my mind I heard the words, “I have a fear of relationships.”

As I googled and read about many of the others who face this problem, I was astounded. The characteristics they described fit me to a tee. One man wrote that after being hurt in a relationship, he never became attracted to anyone who was available to him. He only fantasized about women he could never have and sat sulking because they didn’t want him, affirming his belief that no one could ever love him.

Whoa. That’s exactly what I do. I push men away if they like me too much because deep inside I believe that I am unloveable and if they say they like me, they must be trying to pull a trick on me. So when I meet men like Donovan Daniels, The Prez, Kanye or even DL Dell, who can not, for one reason or another, offer me the affection that I desire, I become even more attached to them. This tells me that secretly, I don’t want a relationship, although my head tells me I do. If I really wanted a relationship I would choose from among the men (or women) who want me instead of falling in love with some guy who won’t even look my way.

Man..I learned a lot that night. It freed me.

So I decided to see Luke again and I picked out a cute black dress and heels for the occasion. I called him up and met up with him at the restaurant that he chose and when I got there we grinned at each other but I kept my distance as he and his friends and fam waited for our table to be ready.

We decided to skip dinner and head straight to the club. There was another female there and I didn’t know who she was. When I’m in that situation, I play it cool, introduce myself and play the friend role. If he was talking to her, I didn’t want to mess that up. He was kinda looking at me crazy for that.

“What are you doing?” he asked me.

“Um..I don’t know who these people are. I’m not trying to throw salt in your game.”

“Come here,” he said and pulled me close, kissing me on the cheek.

As his friends stopped by to give him a pound and wish him Happy Birthday, they all made conversation with me, joked with me and bought me drinks.

I got fucked up as I waited for Anna to get there, but by the time she got there Luke was ready to leave. I saw her walking in as I was walking out and I gave her a drunk hug and I hugged her husband too.

“Come ride with me, “Luke said as we walked to my car, grabbed my overnight bag and I teetered on my stilettos, walking back to his car.

I hopped into his car and smoked a black while we drove to….

“Where are we going?”

“The Mint,” he said.

“Oh, I’ve heard of that place before. It’s that strip club. I’ve never been.”

We walked inside and it was jam packed with Black people. My eyes lit up as the women danced on the stage. These women had more realistic bodies than the ones at Diamonds, but some of them were cute. Luke and I scanned the crowd to see who could find the cutest chick. He found a cute one, but the baddest one, in my eyes, was the one on stage. I wanted to touch her so badly.

He gave me some money so I could give her a few dollars and I saw that he was grinning at me. The entire time we were there, he didn’t really look at the women. He was all up on me. I had to say, “Look at her,” and he would look, but they never kept his interest for long. He kept squeezing me and holding me and buying me drinks or whatever.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked and kissed my neck.

“Yeah.”

So we got out of there and headed to the ‘tel where we fell asleep before either of us could really get to where we needed to be. We finished the round off early the next morning, showered and kissed goodbye.

First of all, let me say, Damn he’s fine.

He has no business being so fine to me. He doesn’t have any of the paperwork that I thought I needed in order to be attracted to someone. But damn..he excites my body and my heart. The crazy thing is, he has had no exposure to my writing or my speaking abilities and he still likes spending time with me. I guess I thought the most impressive thing about me was my creative talents and my intelligence but, he has no idea about any of that and we still have such a great time together.

I think I like him. He’s so chill. When we were out to the club all of these guys were trying me and he just laid back, no big deal. I asked him about it later and he said, “They can all try to talk to you, it’s all in fun. You can dance with whoever, I don’t care. It’s on YOU what happens past that. Beside, I know that you’re coming home with me so why do I have to be jealous? I used to be like that when I was younger but..no more.”

He’s so chill. Like, he doesn’t let anything upset him. He has such a great spirit and I feel all tingly when I’m in his presence. It’s like I don’t even care about the fact that he’s not a CEO and he isn’t going to be a world leader like I imagined my man to be.

I love it when he touches me. I love to hear his voice on the phone. I love how he never says no to me when I’m telling him my crazy sexual fantasies. He always says YES, even to that thing that I said every man refuses to do. He didn’t. He was the first to do it and he did it well.

Well, it’s been a little over a week since we’ve been talking and we talk several times a day about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I’ll get a call from him in the middle of the day, “Where are you?”

“I’m on 7th Avenue, where are you?”

“Don’t go anywhere, I want to see you.”

And we’ll meet up in the parking lot outside of Winn Dixie and talk and talk and talk.

He just wants to see me. I really like that.

I think I like him.

That scares me. I’ve told him more than once that I enjoy his company so much that even if we never speak again, I’ll be happy just because I got a chance to meet him.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he’ll say. “So don’t even speak those words into the atmosphere. Being with you is like hanging with my boys. That’s why I like it so much.”

Wow.

He’s so sweet and he has a great body. He has a little girl too. She’s five. When he talks on the phone with her, you can just FEEL the love he has for her. He closes his eyes and puts his hand over his heart. That man is in love with his baby. That made me like him a little more.

~sigh~

I’m so used to men giving me a reason NOT to talk to them again that I don’t know what to do with this man who makes me like him more everytime I see him. I can handle finding the wrong fit. It actually relieves me. But what do I do when the man I’m seeing makes me feel this good and he says he’s not going anywhere?

I get scared.

But this time, I won’t run. I want to see what will happen.

After kissing my boys goodbye at their flag football championship game and crying in the car because they are going away for the summer and I don’t want them to go but I can’t afford to keep them myself, I went home and got ready for Lem’s wedding. My friend Lem is the man who loves me the most of all the men I know.

I drove down to the church in Overtown but when I got there it was empty. I panicked and looked at the invitation again. Oh shit! The wedding started at 2pm and I thought it was at 6! I missed his wedding!

I drove back up north, feeling all kinds of dumb because I was looking great, had a funny wedding gift for him and I missed it. Tamara called and said, “Tee, you can find the reception and then show up. I bet it’s not over yet.”

Good idea!

I had to go all the way back home to find the paper with the information on it. Once I found it I sped to the place and walked in just as dinner was being served. I looked at my friend, sitting proudly beside his new bride and I walked over and shook their hands and gave my congrats.

I’ve known Lem since I was little and he’s always loved me but now I guess…he’s really moved on. I kind of feel like my little brother grew up. His wife is beautiful by the way.

Lem and I danced a little to the Caribbean music the DJ was spinning and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks for coming, Tee,” he said.

My eyes filled up with tears. “Congrats Lem.”

Congrats…

I saw the movie Sex In The City this weekend and it gave me my answer…

I enjoyed it. I laughed and I cried, but most importantly, it was an excellent visualization for me of the type of life I want to live and the success I want to achieve.

As I watched the main character, Carried Bradshaw, read exerpts from her book I cried. As I watched her visit a bookstore and reposition her books, I cried. As I watched as she walked into that beautiful penthouse on Fifth Avenue and squeal in delight, I cried. Especially when her man said, “I got it.” He bought the penthouse for her.

That’s what I want! That’s what I envision for myself! That type of success! That type of man! “I got it, baby, just relax…”

Later that night I hooked up with Luke, the guy I had been seeing for the past week and a half. I showed him the new book that I have been devouring, Russell Simmon’s DO YOU. It’s marvelous! Absolutely wonderful! I think he is magnificent. I would LOVE to sit by him and learn and grow and share.

As I tried to share with him the jewels that I was gleaning from this book, he gave me a blank look. Then I asked him what his main dream was and he replied, “I’m starting a clothing line.”

As I questioned him about his intentions, my heart sank when he didn’t have any answers.

“Well, you say you’re going to MAGIC in August but what have you done to prepare?” I asked him.

Another blank look.

My eyes grew wide and I became irritated.

“You’re telling me that you’re gonna show up there with what? Have you made any clothes yet?”

“No.”

My eyes turned to tiny slits.

“You can’t show up there with a table and some fabric. That’s not the swap meet. You have to look professional. Where’s your business cards? How are you going to present yourself? Where’s your plan?”

He just looked at me.

My entire body tensed up. There’s one thing that I can’t stand is a person with a dream who is non chalant about it.

The room went quiet and soon I felt his arm move to caress me. Instinctively I pulled away and rolled my eyes at him.

At that moment, I knew that this was the end.

Yeah, I could sit down with him and help him make plans to make his chances at MAGIC better, but why the hell should I have to drag someone toward their dream. He has all this time to spend with me, he SHOULD be preparing for his presentation.

After I calmed down, I offered an olive leaf. “If you need help coming up with your marketing and presentation plan, I’m here to help. I have so many ideas for you. If you want them, let me know.”

I have not heard from him since.

~sigh~

He doesn’t want it badly enough.

And I don’t want him.

End of story.