These last few days have been absolutely crazy. I had my boys for the week last week so when I have them, I try to do fun things and I’ll admit I go a little overboard sometimes.
On Friday morning we got up, had breakfast and then went over to get pedicures. The boys loved the experience, they even got sea salt massages. Then we had lunch at Subway and then on to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda. I don’t know if you pay attention to the messages that these “Kids” movies present but I find them to be consistently averse to typical western beliefs. For instance, in two of the movies that we saw including this one, one of the main characters dies without getting sick. He simply chooses to go, knowing that his work here has been done.
Sounds like a simple fantasy type movie, right? No way. Those beliefs are practiced throughout the world and I have read literature that teaches that you don’t have to be sick to die. Your soul chooses its departure time when its mission is up.
We were supposed to go to the pool, but we didn’t have time, after haircuts all I had time to do was pack up their clothes and return them to their Dad’s house before jetting off to my little cousin’s high school graduation.
After mingling with the fam, I went home and showered and got ready for my night out with Luke. Yeah, I know, I said I wasn’t going to see him anymore, but immediately after that feeling of fear came the revalation of the real issue behind the fear.
In my mind I heard the words, “I have a fear of relationships.”
As I googled and read about many of the others who face this problem, I was astounded. The characteristics they described fit me to a tee. One man wrote that after being hurt in a relationship, he never became attracted to anyone who was available to him. He only fantasized about women he could never have and sat sulking because they didn’t want him, affirming his belief that no one could ever love him.
Whoa. That’s exactly what I do. I push men away if they like me too much because deep inside I believe that I am unloveable and if they say they like me, they must be trying to pull a trick on me. So when I meet men like Donovan Daniels, The Prez, Kanye or even DL Dell, who can not, for one reason or another, offer me the affection that I desire, I become even more attached to them. This tells me that secretly, I don’t want a relationship, although my head tells me I do. If I really wanted a relationship I would choose from among the men (or women) who want me instead of falling in love with some guy who won’t even look my way.
Man..I learned a lot that night. It freed me.
So I decided to see Luke again and I picked out a cute black dress and heels for the occasion. I called him up and met up with him at the restaurant that he chose and when I got there we grinned at each other but I kept my distance as he and his friends and fam waited for our table to be ready.
We decided to skip dinner and head straight to the club. There was another female there and I didn’t know who she was. When I’m in that situation, I play it cool, introduce myself and play the friend role. If he was talking to her, I didn’t want to mess that up. He was kinda looking at me crazy for that.
“What are you doing?” he asked me.
“Um..I don’t know who these people are. I’m not trying to throw salt in your game.”
“Come here,” he said and pulled me close, kissing me on the cheek.
As his friends stopped by to give him a pound and wish him Happy Birthday, they all made conversation with me, joked with me and bought me drinks.
I got fucked up as I waited for Anna to get there, but by the time she got there Luke was ready to leave. I saw her walking in as I was walking out and I gave her a drunk hug and I hugged her husband too.
“Come ride with me, “Luke said as we walked to my car, grabbed my overnight bag and I teetered on my stilettos, walking back to his car.
I hopped into his car and smoked a black while we drove to….
“Where are we going?”
“The Mint,” he said.
“Oh, I’ve heard of that place before. It’s that strip club. I’ve never been.”
We walked inside and it was jam packed with Black people. My eyes lit up as the women danced on the stage. These women had more realistic bodies than the ones at Diamonds, but some of them were cute. Luke and I scanned the crowd to see who could find the cutest chick. He found a cute one, but the baddest one, in my eyes, was the one on stage. I wanted to touch her so badly.
He gave me some money so I could give her a few dollars and I saw that he was grinning at me. The entire time we were there, he didn’t really look at the women. He was all up on me. I had to say, “Look at her,” and he would look, but they never kept his interest for long. He kept squeezing me and holding me and buying me drinks or whatever.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked and kissed my neck.
So we got out of there and headed to the ‘tel where we fell asleep before either of us could really get to where we needed to be. We finished the round off early the next morning, showered and kissed goodbye.
First of all, let me say, Damn he’s fine.
He has no business being so fine to me. He doesn’t have any of the paperwork that I thought I needed in order to be attracted to someone. But damn..he excites my body and my heart. The crazy thing is, he has had no exposure to my writing or my speaking abilities and he still likes spending time with me. I guess I thought the most impressive thing about me was my creative talents and my intelligence but, he has no idea about any of that and we still have such a great time together.
I think I like him. He’s so chill. When we were out to the club all of these guys were trying me and he just laid back, no big deal. I asked him about it later and he said, “They can all try to talk to you, it’s all in fun. You can dance with whoever, I don’t care. It’s on YOU what happens past that. Beside, I know that you’re coming home with me so why do I have to be jealous? I used to be like that when I was younger but..no more.”
He’s so chill. Like, he doesn’t let anything upset him. He has such a great spirit and I feel all tingly when I’m in his presence. It’s like I don’t even care about the fact that he’s not a CEO and he isn’t going to be a world leader like I imagined my man to be.
I love it when he touches me. I love to hear his voice on the phone. I love how he never says no to me when I’m telling him my crazy sexual fantasies. He always says YES, even to that thing that I said every man refuses to do. He didn’t. He was the first to do it and he did it well.
Well, it’s been a little over a week since we’ve been talking and we talk several times a day about all kinds of stuff. Sometimes I’ll get a call from him in the middle of the day, “Where are you?”
“I’m on 7th Avenue, where are you?”
“Don’t go anywhere, I want to see you.”
And we’ll meet up in the parking lot outside of Winn Dixie and talk and talk and talk.
He just wants to see me. I really like that.
I think I like him.
That scares me. I’ve told him more than once that I enjoy his company so much that even if we never speak again, I’ll be happy just because I got a chance to meet him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he’ll say. “So don’t even speak those words into the atmosphere. Being with you is like hanging with my boys. That’s why I like it so much.”
He’s so sweet and he has a great body. He has a little girl too. She’s five. When he talks on the phone with her, you can just FEEL the love he has for her. He closes his eyes and puts his hand over his heart. That man is in love with his baby. That made me like him a little more.
I’m so used to men giving me a reason NOT to talk to them again that I don’t know what to do with this man who makes me like him more everytime I see him. I can handle finding the wrong fit. It actually relieves me. But what do I do when the man I’m seeing makes me feel this good and he says he’s not going anywhere?
I get scared.
But this time, I won’t run. I want to see what will happen.
After kissing my boys goodbye at their flag football championship game and crying in the car because they are going away for the summer and I don’t want them to go but I can’t afford to keep them myself, I went home and got ready for Lem’s wedding. My friend Lem is the man who loves me the most of all the men I know.
I drove down to the church in Overtown but when I got there it was empty. I panicked and looked at the invitation again. Oh shit! The wedding started at 2pm and I thought it was at 6! I missed his wedding!
I drove back up north, feeling all kinds of dumb because I was looking great, had a funny wedding gift for him and I missed it. Tamara called and said, “Tee, you can find the reception and then show up. I bet it’s not over yet.”
I had to go all the way back home to find the paper with the information on it. Once I found it I sped to the place and walked in just as dinner was being served. I looked at my friend, sitting proudly beside his new bride and I walked over and shook their hands and gave my congrats.
I’ve known Lem since I was little and he’s always loved me but now I guess…he’s really moved on. I kind of feel like my little brother grew up. His wife is beautiful by the way.
Lem and I danced a little to the Caribbean music the DJ was spinning and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“Thanks for coming, Tee,” he said.
My eyes filled up with tears. “Congrats Lem.”