Relax, Relate, Release

Can a sista get a back massage? Any offers?

Dang… Tonight I went to my girl Nadine’s house which was so needed. She has a son named Devin who is five and my sons like to play with him. When I go over there it’s cool because she always plays with them and I kinda just lie down on the couch and vegitate. Cool as a cucumber.

While we were talking tonight i realized some major things about myself. We were talking about jobs and she asked me if I would like to work with people. I thought back to the jobs that I had before I had children and my favorite job was being the bright, perky hostess at Bennigans. I also loved working the customer service desk at TJMAXX and being a deli worker at Krogers. I REALLY loved being a sales associate at Zales, the diamond store.

But since I’ve had my children I’ve changed so much and I wonder if I can still enjoy those type of people related jobs. I remember when I was a freshman in college, I took this class about improvisational comedy and I loved it! I was so good at it that I moved up several levels in one semester. After I had my sons, I needed one more theatre elective to meet my outside concentration which was THEATRE and I signed up for the class again, thinking this will be an easy A. It wasn’t.

In fact, I HATED that class. All the time we were crawlinga round the floor pretending we were lions or singing songs and jumping around I was thinking, “I have so many other things I could be doing right now. I dont have time to just have fun.”

I couldn’t allow myself to just have fun and play. I felt so awkward, like pure fun was for kids or the single people with no kids. “I am an adult. I have responsibilities. I dont have time for fun,” I would tell myself.

This attitude has carried over to my entire life. I’m always tense, walking around with this thoughtful look on my face. People are always asking me if I need to take a nap. LOL! Uh…yeah.

The thing is, I’m not always stressing. I’m usually just planning my next move. Like tonight I’m planning how I am going to get my sons to Mimi’s house before my ride comes to take me to Tallahassee this weekend. (It’s my girl TAMARA’S 25th birthday!) My ride should be here at 7pm which means I have to feed my boys and bathe them and get them to Mimi’s house and come back here before 6:30 so I can be catch my ride.

Usually I have a lot on my mind like:

Getting my son approved for headstart.

Choosing a new daycare and weighing the costs vs. convenience vs. how much their daddy is willing to pay.

Wondering if/when I will be able to work on my website again.

Learning to cut my boys hair and make it look decent.

Dealing with getting older and still not doing what I would like to be doing.

Making an effort not to be stand offish with their daddy, simply because he’s not around.

Am I doing things right by God’s standards?

When will I do things right by my church’s standards?

Am I saving enough?

Why is everything changing so fast for everyone else?

Lord, please help me stay awake at my job.

My back really hurts.

This is too insightful. I also realized that one of the reasons I can’t just enjoy having fun for fun’s sake is because I am saved now. I know that sounds crazy but my walk with God has stressed me out so much from day one. I put so much pressure on myself to be right and I forget about God’s grace over my life. I forget that I am still young in Christ and I am still growing. I hold myself to a high standard and I’m still trying to figure some things out about being carefree in Christ.

Being saved should not be a burden. My salvation should lighten my burden because God wants us to give Him our worries.

I haven’t done that. I worry for me and everyone I know. Well, not really worry, I just think about things over and over and over until they are resolved.

I’m supposed to be going on a cruise to the Bahamas in two months. I paid for it, but I am not excited. I’m nervous because I dont know anyone that is going. Some kids from my church planned it. They are all my age its just that I FEEL older than they are. And they think I’m older too. I’m wondering how I can relate to these kids who are like I used to be, so carefree and hopeful.

Today I pledge to actively and consistently petition God about this matter. I dont want to be uptight anymore. I want to laugh and joke and be cool. Which is kinda hard to do when everyone I know has moved away, is moving away or is getting married. Soooo…

Ya’ll I dont know. All I know is, this is no way to live my life. Especially my life in Christ.

I need to relax and let myself laugh.