Home Sweet Home

I went to Miami this weekend. There seems to be a lot more Spanish people than I remember. It has been a year but I don’t know…

I went on a visiting spree starting early Saturday morning with Marsha. We went to breakfast and then to Aventura Mall where I found the cutest pair of Capri’s, they have cherrys in all the right places. LOL. Im gonna save them for the right occasion.

I went to see my cousins, my biological father, my father, my grandma and so many others. I even got to see Dianna who came to watch me get dressed for my outings.

My favorite part was hanging with my former uncle Curtis. He has a nice apartment and he’s a really sweet guy.

When I got back to Gainesville my stomache tightened and my spirits drooped. I had just left my family, my friends, the beach to come back to a place that is not so inviting.

I love Gainesville, I do. I just would love to have some fun every now and then. When everyone you know has moved away and you’re still in the same place it makes you feel like you havent accomplished anything.

For real, the only reason I’m still here is because of my church. I fell like God wants me to be there. But honestly my church is the most stressful part of my life. I think I would be less stressed out if I went elsehwhere, or Maybe I’m wrong.

There’s nothing like the Word at my church. It is the BEST word I have ever heard- Lifechanging and Powerful and always on point. It’s different and fascinating and they are training up an army of powerful people to represent Christ. I just sit back in awe sometimes at the wisdom displayed by my Pastors.

I have a good relationship with my Pastor, but that’s about it. I’m not involved in anything. I dont have any friends. I dont really like anyone there too much. No one seems interesting to me. My Pastor keeps trying to hook me up with women that I find absolutely boring. I mean for real, snoozeville.

And because of my tendancy to please people, I am in constant self-condemnation because I can’t bond like My Pastor wants me to. I try to force myself to like some of these women but there is absolutely no spark.

This is the most frustrating thing about church. I just want to go and chill. If I dont want to talk to anyone or hang out then cool, but thats not how they do it there. They preach a strong word about us all being family. Well, I dont feel like family. Maybe I’m not supposed to be there because if I were, wouldnt I feel like family?

I feel like God wants me there. But then I wonder if God wants me to be in this state of complaceny and just BLAH. My life is BLAH. Nothing to look forward to, escept my sons. No fun girls nights anymore since all my friends have left except for Ruby. It’s just me, my computer and my unlimited long distance.

Does God want this for me? Or would God want me to be with my family and have my sons grow up knowing their family. I’m so isolated up here. I spend holidays alone. What kind of mess?

If I get a job offer anywhere in Miami it will take a hurricane to keep me from accepting the offer.

So, It’s official. I’m planning to move to Miami. I know my Pastor won’t like it, but I have never heard of my Pastors agreeing with anyone moving away. I just dont want to be up here because I’m afraid to have them mad at me for leaving.

Sometimes, I worry more about what my Pastors will think than what God will think. That’s unbalanced.

Pray for me.

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