What’s the deal?

You guys know how my biological father came back into my life about a year and a half ago. I havent really opened myself up to him. I have been rejecting him because I feel like he’s being too pushy. I feel like he’s trying to come in after 23 years and hold some authority over me although he is just like a stranger to me.

This weekend I will most likely go to Miami for a visit. I havent been down there since last Memorial Day when I got this tattoo that I HATE. LOL I was wildin out!

I plan to go see Russell who is my biological father and I also plan to go see the man who I thought was my daddy this whole time. His name is Clarence. He didnt raise me and he wasnt a part of my life but when I thought of “daddy” I thought of him.

Although he and my mama didnt get along, I know he loved me. I was his oldest girl. I was his girl. The last time I saw him I was 19. He had remarried and had 4 kids. We didnt keep in touch.

I was talking to my uncle Curtis tonight. Curtis is Clarence’s brother (the one I thought was my daddy) and I told him what happened. He was very quiet and joked about us hooking up since we arent really related. (Curtis and I are the same age). But as we talked about telling the family that we are not really blood, I broke down. I didnt know where that came from. All these years I though I didnt have any feelings for Clarence, my daddy. I just felt sorry for him.

Now I realize I did love him. He was my daddy, although he was missing in action. Now I dont even have that memory anymore. Now I have this weird man who is too aggressive and trying to bully me into loving him and accepting him and that pisses me off. He actually told me I better make it my business to come see him. Hell naw…

I already had a daddy. Why did this man have to come into my life? Why did he have to ruin everything I had before. It wasn’t great. But it was mine. It was my mess and I was comfortable in it.

Now I feel horrible because I dont love Russell, my bio-dad. I dont want to love him. I just want him to leave me alone, but i am obligated, because of my relationship with God, to honor him and at least try to build something with him.

Sometimes I sit here and I think I hate him. Sometimes I wish that my number was unlisted and he couldnt have found me. Immediately after he got my number from 411 I changed it and unlisted myself.

What is it with these men? They think they can act anyway they want to and then just pop in and out like it’s okay.

They desert you and then expect you to welcome them with open arms. Like you’ve just been a broken mess without them. I have been just FINE thankyou! I take out my own trash. I get my car fixed by MY DAMN SELF! I pay my bills, handle my kids and make all the decisions on my OWN! I dont need your sorry ass!

I’m fine. I’m fine. Leave me alone.

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