Hey. Who is out there? Why are you looking at me?
Lately I cant sleep at night.
The hours seem to drag by like I’m waiting for a pot of water to boil. Its so weird I never felt the time like this. Being in school I was up late every night, probably just as I am now. But then I was busy, busy, busy. I worked on papers, I worked on my website, I had to be creative, I had to meet deadlines. Now, all that is finished but my body doesnt know it, so here I am its after 2 am and Im wide awake.
I used to chat a lot. Id meet random ppl on Black Planet or College Club and we’d spend hours sharing our heart, our daily lives, our goals and fears. The computer has a way of stripping you naked if you allow it. Since these ppl knew that we would probably never meet, we could be real, be open and fearless.
During these late nights, with nothing to do, I find myself analyzing everything in my life. From my past relationships to what kind of clothes I want to buy for myself whenever I get a real job.
I realize that I am extremely critical of myself. I want to change that. For some reason I have these amazing friends who love me and I always ask myself why. Like I feel like I dont deserve their friendship. Thats crazy cuz Im not some horrible person. Im a bit dramatic, I guess and a bit forceful, maybe bossy sometimes and extremely flamboyant. Did I spell that right?
Im a nut. In a hut. I stole a apple from the tree. So what?
I remember when I was younger everyone always gave me my way. In elementary school I could walk into my principal’s office and tell him i wanted to do something and he would tell me to go ahead. I started all kinds of competitions, all kinds of clubs.
Once, I made all the girls in the fifth grade form these clubs, like little cliques. Then I convinced the prinicipal that it would be beneficial to the students to learn about the voting process by having us have a campaign that would decide who had the most popular club. We had a full out campaign, with posters and announcements made over the loudspeaker and a voting booth.
Ofcourse I won.
I was always like that. Coming up with something totally unthinkable and always expecting that I could do anything. I am still that way today.
Same issue different day.
I have an issue with trust and it is the issue that I am dealing with right now. Because of it I dont have any girlfriends at my church and I have secluded myself.
My Pastor and I have spoken about it and he has challenged me to ask God to send Godly relationships into my life. I have. He then asked me to open my heart to the women at church. Im trying. Girl, they all look like they have so much fun together, they really seem close. But they dont seem like the kind of women that I would hang around. Im so used to having a certain type of tight, popular, georgeous woman around me who is so vivacious that you gotta take a deep breath when you are around her.
Those women at my church seem so quiet in comparison to my friends and I have not given them a chance. My heart says I dont care if I sit up in my house by myself day after day, night after night but I know that I am missing out on growth and experiencing family in my church.
So, Im not gonna deal with those trust issues anymore. Pslam 118:8 says Trust God, not men. I wont put my trust in them, Ill put my trust in Him, knowing that He wants to bring me a healthy relationship with a female that will sharpen me and be a lot of fun at the same time.
So, I will be open. I will smile at them. I will accept their lunch invitations and just suck it up and GOOOO! I may be surprised.. Who knows. I’ll let you know how things turn out.
I have a JOB!
I start on Monday January 26th. I am the Executive Assistant to the Director of Research Studies at the VA Hospital. Ok, OK. I just invented that title to make myself feel special.
The contract says I am a Program Support Assistant. But I think my title sounds better so Im gonna use that one. Ruby and I came up with it together. It fits me.
Soooo, what that really means is that I will assist a research doctor in running his office and his team and organizing and communicating his research effectively. I will also be learning to write grants and proposals which is the beginning of something great! Im so excited. I have to go shopping, jeans and sweat shirts wont work anymore.
I’m a working woman in the world!
I’m a BALLER too! The money is niiccceee…
Talking with my Pastor is like a nice deep massage. I walk in there all tense and nervous because I know I am going to share with him all the ugliness and worry in my heart and I walk out of there relieved, encouraged and challenged to be my best for God.
I dont know what kind of relationship others may have with their Pastor. I used to think of Pastors as this untouchable, unreachable, holier than thou- type individual. I would be afraid to tell them the things I was unsure of or struggling with because I thought they would judge me or label me, but my college Pastor is different.
He listens. He encourages. He shares wisdom and most importantly he corrects. I adore correction made in love and my Pastor has plenty of it.
THis morning I went to see him and I asked him if his job was to challenge me. He said that challenge wasn’t really the right word, more like help develop. See, he knows my heart and my vision for my life. Im sure he can see how my desires can ultimately bring glory to God so when he brings a word of correction, whether I ask for it or not, it should be welcomed as preparation for God’s purpose for my life. There are certain areas that need to be developed, nurtured so that when the time comes to walk fully in God’s vision for my life, I will be able to function without hesitation.
So, yes, I tell my Pastor almost everything that I struggle with. I mean, why go to your friend who is in the same situation you are in for encouragement when you can go to someone who you know hears from God and may have helped others through the same struggle that you’re dealing with?
I choose to be transparent and allow my Pastor to see my heart. I have nothing to hide. God already knows everything and if my heart is pure, my Pastor can know too. He loves me because he loves God.
I’ll be alright.
Everything is different now. I have a new job that I start on Monday so my financial situation is about to get better right? uhh…no.
While I was in school I had foodstamps, daycare discounts and grants and student loans as well as a part-time job to help me keep my head above water. My sons dad started paying for their daycare which helped a lot too.
Now that I am out of school, no more money is being pushed at me. Its time to stand up by myself. No more food stamps- Owww, that really hurts! My daycare discount- GONE, raising my daycare bill from $350 to over $1,000 a month. I need a new car, my 95 Geo Prizm is falling apart. I have to repay my student loans. I need insurance for my new car, health insurance, life insurance and ofcourse make sure I get my 10% of tithes to the Lord off top!
Doh! Welcome to the real world.
So, Im making good money but when I do my budget, I have very little savings each month. Actually, Im barely making my budget. Im not going to stress when I havent even gotten a paycheck yet.
ANyway, I wont stress. I never stress about issues with money. I trust God completely in that area. He’s not gonna let me and my sons live out on the streets and go hungry.
Can a sista get a vision or something , Lord?! Show me how Im gonna make this work. Or, how YOU are gonna make this work.
It’ll be interesting to find out.
Ive got me some basic cable and Im glued to the TV like a toddler watching their first Barney video.
I havent watched television for a year and a half and so many things have changed. First of all, most of the shows are reality-based. It seems like all of the celebrities are reality TV stars. You know what? Thats not fair! All these actors and musicians had to work their tailbones to the grind to be able to fulfill their dreams and you win ONE talent show or casting search and all of a sudden youre sharing the red carpet with Hollywood’s best!
That ain’t right!
And the Mother of all reality shows, The Real World has me so afraid to watch it now. When I see clips of Real World Las Vegas I have to change the channel because it looks like a soft porno.
All that licking and sucking and making out with whoever is sitting next to you at the moment…ugh…well, honestly it turns me on. And that it is the REAL reason I cant watch it. Why would I, sitting alone in my house, pledging never to date again, want to become aroused?
There is no point to that. Especially since I know God is watching me and he would probably shake his head in embarrassment if he had to watch me pleasure myself. Ewww. Imagine your daddy coming in while you’re doing that. Yeah…gross. Well, thats how I feel.
Oh yeah, where are all the music videos? I used to be able to see a music video, now all I see are clips of the videos in between some special category show like, ‘Hip Hop’s Hottest Hips’ or something.
The world has gone crazy for Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. What does Paris do besides stay skinny? I guess the world is always looking for someone to idolize.
But Britney, ahhh, she’s a star. I have no idea what shes saying in her songs and I just recently saw one of her videos for the first time but that chick is an amazing performer. Too bad she has nothing worthwhile to say.
If she would just use her talent to glorify God, so many millions would be uplifted. That goes for Eminem too. He is off the chain! He is so good at telling a story and riding a beat. He captures my attention and keeps me riveted whenever he begins a song. Too bad he’s allowed the enemy to use him as a spokesperson advocating violence and degradation of women and general craziness.
I wish these ppl would use their powers for good not evil.
There are TOO MANY decorating and makeover shows on TV. I used to love watching Trading Spaces, but now i think I’ll vomit if I see another person screaming in delight over geometric shapes and bright colors in their bedroom.
I dont really watch primetime TV. I cant figure out what to watch and Im too lazy to buy a TV guide so I usually chat online during this time.
Late nights are spent with none other than DAVID LETTERMAN! I love him! He’s so amazingly uncomplicated that its funny. What kind of segment is ‘Is this Anything?”? What kind of mess is that? But I watch and I laugh and I tune in again and again. I tred to watch Leno, but he’s just not funny.
But the number ONE spot on my MUST SEE TV, is VH1 with all their specials on celebrity lifestyles. I am simply fascinated by these shows. The extravagance, the liberty, the loot! One day I’ll be right up there with them, but I know it’ll be because God wanted it that way, not because of me.
I let my older son Sai stay up past his bedtime tonight cuz he was being a good boy. I’m gonna go watch some SpongeBob with him.
You wont believe what happened! I messed up my conputer somehow and it hasnt been working for the past 5 days! Five days with no internet access- sigh. Things have been peacefeul actually.
Im too tired to give the downlow on all that has happened since Ive started working but I’ll get to it soon. I hope you didnt miss me too much.
I started my job as a Program Assistant for Research Studies at the VA. Yes people I work for DA GUBMENT!
It’s a different world from where I come from-LOL
This new gig/season in my life is challenging in several different ways:
1) I’m so sleepy. I am used to taking luscious naps in the afternoon. No more. No nap all week. Oh no…. It’s a challenge to keep my eyes open during orientation.
2) I dont know nothing. I dont know a THING about medical research. When I walked into the office on the first day and he gave me my first assignment I almost fell asleep reading it. (Oh shoot, let me tell you exactly what I do. I figured it out now. So, this division of Veteran Affairs called Research performs these studies on Veterans and the statisticians do their thing to the numbers after some of the other ppl there put the data in the computer. The PhD’s analyze the statistics and then come up with the “findings”. EX. Studies show, blah, blah ,blah. He writes this down and publishes it in a scientific journal. Thats where I come in. Before he publishes it, he asks me to edit it for him. I get to make his writing sound less technical and make sure it is easy to understand.)
~WHEW~ that was long!
Anyway, when he gave me my first report to edit, I couldnt keep focused on it. It was not my style of writing, a subject I knew nothing about and wasnt really interested in. I wondered if I could stay awake all day much less come back. But alas, I did and its been getting better everyday. It’s a challenge to start over from scratch when youre used to being knowlegable.
3) Did you guys know that there arent as many saved ppl as there are unsaved ppl? I guess I have been living in a coccoon. I try to surround myself with ppl who are living for God. I succeed at it too.
So, on Monday when I stepped into that orientation room and began to talk to the ppl who were there with me I knew I was in for something different. The women were pretty nice but the men…OMG. My friends in Miami complain all the time about not being taken seriously and being hit on by men just because of their looks and Im not even all that and I couldnt believe all the offers of dates I got.
It was gross! Im talking old me with gray hair. Younger men with gold teeth. I felt like they were trying me. Everyone who knows me knows that I feel that if ANY man walks up to me and tries to HOLLA, then he is obviously not the man God has for me. Cuz I think my husband is going to want to be my friend. Not try to hit and split.
So, I dont even know how to talk to these men. When I was in school, I would usually just laugh and brush it off knowing I never had to see that person again. But these are men that I am going to see everyday for this season of my life and I dont want to cause tension. It’s a challenge to show love and be a light when some are mistaking your light for romantic interest.
4) Close supervision. It seems like God is in the business of training me up. Neale is the doctor who heads up my research team. He goes to my church and he is super saved. LOL. I love him already. He is not afraid to pull me and his other assistant Charlene into his office and pray over our day. On my first day there he gave us devotionals to read. Can you believe it?!
I know God is using him to help me grow. I cant slip up at work. I cant compromise.
The really cool thing is, he shares his wisdom with me. Today he called me into his office and said, “Well, Holy Spirit is leading me to remind you of this and I know you’ve heard Pastor speak about it many time. And Im sure Pastor has spoken about it too. You’re about to enter into a new income bracket and it is important that you are faithful with your tithes. The truth is, if you rob God you will be cursed. And we dont want that. So, I know when you get paid you will be tempted to go out and shop, but remember God first.”
I was like, blown away. I am so glad that he was obedient enough to speak to me in that way. We dont know each other well, but from that bit of instruction I can tell that he loves me. We only get correction or instruction from ppl who love us.
I hope he has plenty more where that came from. And I will always listen and be obedient. So this time, Im being challenged to be my best, be a light and believe that I CAN do this job, cuz God wouldnt have given it to me if I couldnt.
Gotta go to bed. I stayed up just to write this.
I miss writing so much….I dont have the time anymore. ~yawn~
Today I was getting the groceries out of my car when my son said the craziest thing.
See, since I have two boys by myself and lots of groceries I usually leave them in the car while I carry the groceries to the balcony of my first floor apartment and sit them on my patio chairs. Then I get the boys and bring them into the house. Just sharing a little trick on how I manage with my sugars.
ANYHOO- While I was walking back to the car for another load of groceries, a white guy pulls up in this NIIICEEE car! Ofcourse, I’m sweating it but not really noticing the guy. I make some kind of remark under my breath and as he walks by he looks at me puzzled and says, “What happened?” I shrugged and said, “Nice car.”
He walked away and so did I. No big deal. But my 3 1/2 year old son obviously thought it was.
When I opened the front door to get more bags out he questioned me like he was a stalking baby daddy!
“Mama! Who was that man?!”
I laughed and shook my head.
“Mama! I said who was that man?!”
I looked at him amazed and amused and explained myself like he was an abusive husband.
“Sai, it was just some guy, I dont know.”
“Why you talking to him?” he asked, looking at me with a serious expression. “Why you talking to him?”
Do men get these traits at an early age?
I explained to my son that I can talk to whoever I want to and Im gonna beat his behind if he ever question me like that again.
Child please! I aint got no man!
Or so I thought…