Who am I?
I know its like, 2 in the morning but Im still up as a result of a luscious nap I took this afternoon.
All this time I have now, with no school, no assignments due and no real work has got me in this majorly introspective mood.
I mean, Im always thinking about myself, how others perceive me and how I treat others and I must admit Im very critical of myself. I try not to be because this constant self-evaluation puts you in a place of never being satisfied with yourself.
I look at myself, where I wanted to be at this age and where I am and I am proud of all that Ive done. I may be a few years late on some of my goals but I know that since Christ came into my life, I am on the track to accomplishing more than I ever dreamt of.
I truly believe that the key to happiness is to delight yourself in the Lord and I am striving for that. I want to define for myself what fun in Christ is. I want to always be open to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I want to ppl to know that just because I am a single mother and a Christian, these labels that I wear all the time, I am still a woman with a vision and fears and doubts.
I do love myself, now more than ever before, I only want to be better in Christ. I want to please God so much.
I’ve always been this person that could never see the sunshine because of a tiny cloud. I know that. I dont like it but its me. If I have a success and I see something about myself that i dont like, I can not even enjoy the happiness of my accomplishment because i’m so busy focusing on what went wrong. This has caused limited happiness in my life because nothing ever goes perfectly.
What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to laugh. I want to enjoy my friends. I want to write, be a star and raise amazing sons. I want more children. I want a georgeous husband. I want to make a difference in someone’s life through my relationship with Christ. I want to be able to enjoy it without always noticing the loose thread that no one can see but me.
Most of all I want to make my mama proud of me. I never felt like she was until recently. I’m 24 yrs old and I have to achieve for myself. Sometimes I would think my happiness would come through success. I dont anymore.
I dont stress my looks. I feel like Im pretty cute. My body isnt nearly as nice as it was when I was 19 but hey, with the right attitude and outfit anyone can be tight.
I want to inspire you. I want to change your world. I want you to know that you are loved and this whole Christian thing is not something youshould run away from, its something you should embrace.
Christ is REAL. It’s not some hocus pocus and fake ideology. Before I even picked up a Bible I experinced Christ for myself. Without a Bible or a church I still have God.
I wish I could shake you and wake you and make you understand just how powerful a relationship with Christ is. It’s not what you saw when you were going to church as a child. It’s not the ppl you believed were faking it. Its really what you want it to be. You make your relationship with God. You determine how much of an impact He has on your life. I have determined that He will be the source of everything I do.
God, I want you so much. I love you so much. I want o be better for you. To make you happy, to see you one day and have you hold me and tellme you’re proud of me. I love you, Lord. I’m your daughter. You honored me by choosing me. You didnt reject me. You didnt leave me after I told you I cared. You’re not man. You’re something more and I want even more than I have now.
Please help me to see your perfect will for my life. Please put ppl in my pat who will guide me into true obedience and happiness in you.
Thank you for an amazing church home that challenges me. I get mad all the time because I feel like I should be left alone but you know what I need. Give me the ability to let go and receive what you have for me through them. You know my heart; To help, to comfort, to influence righteously. Lord, help me to allow my heart’s desire to be shown through my actions, which is more important than my intentions.
I’m here. I’m willing. I’m open. Look at me. Receive me. Mold me. Please.