Share My World

I saw the lunar eclipse last night. It was awesome!

I felt like I was a part of something great! I was on the phone with my sister while she was telling me about her new apartment search and I walked outside on my porch to take a look. There it was in all its glory,, right above my head in perfect view.

I sat down and chatted watching the eclipse. When it was almost done I rose to my feet and sent out a powerful prayer to the moon and the Universe. I prayed that this eclipse will be a signal of new and abundant beginnings for everyone I know. I prayed that those close to me will be protected, guided and provided for in ways unimaginable and that our most positive wishes will come true.

Then I prayed for forgiveness for anything I may have done which caused harm to anyone.

And I sent up a kiss.. and felt the kiss returned.

I thank God for my life, filled with so many blessings and so much love.

I am completely grateful right now…

Sooo…

I was invited to perform at a fashion show tonight. I picked up my boys and we went over there and I did my thing…like normal. I had fun. I had no idea that afterwards a woman would approach me asking me to perform at HER fashion show in another city.

I don’t…get it.

I’m always…good at everything I do yet, nothing has brought me any stability or financial freedom. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong or if it’s just not my time but….it’s kind of disconcerting to know that whatever I TRY I am going to excel at yet…nothing BIG comes from it. I have nothing to show for anything I’ve done..just a bunch of clips of everything I’ve done but nothing for real.

I don’t get it. I wish I had some guidance. I would talk about this with my counselor frequently. He would get so frustrated with me but I managed to make him understand.

I wish i had some developmental guidance. I have all the raw materials of a star yet no one to back me and check me and make me better and position me to show people what I can REALLY do.

What if I just waste it all because I have so much fuel for a fire yet, no matches?

I don’t want all this talent to be a waste.

What do I do with it?

So this year is almost over and it has definitely been a challenging one for me. The great thing is, I survived every bit of it. Although there are some things I regret, I can’t focus on those because there are so many other things I admire about myself.

This year I challenged myself wholeheartedly to face my fears concerning my history with men. And I did…and I was attracted to one and I didn’t run away from it, although I wanted to so badly. But I didn’t.

And I started performing poetry, to a grand reception. After I perform I hear things like, “You are so real and raw” “You add something to the poetry game that was missing” and “You are AMAZING!”

I love those quotes! LOL

Next Monday I will be participating in my first poetry slam. The winner gets to compete for a spot on the S. Florida Slam Team which competes against other cities for a spot on the regional team. Who knows, I may just make the cut.

My biggest challenge with poetry is interacting socially. I find it difficult to have general conversation and to hang out even though everyone is so nice. I’m working on it.

I’m getting better. Everyday.

Happy New Year!

May the days that follow this one, surpass even your greatest expectations!

Love,

Tee

My New Years Eve was probably my BEST EVER!

And it came as such a surprise. The night before New Years I had no plans and no real money to go out. I have no real “Let’s hang out” friends here so I figured that I’d be alone for the celebration. Just in a last minute rush of hope I said to the Universe, “If I’m not supposed to be alone, let someone call me and invite me out.”

The next afternoon I got a call from my sons, “Mommy can we spend New Years Eve with you?”

I mulled it over. With no car, no money and no TV, what kind of New Years could we possibly have? But I figured it was probably divine so I told them to come on over. Their Dad had a party planned and couldn’t watch them anyway.

So by the time they came I had spoken with the guy at the corner store who told me that they have a HUGE celebration on Hollywood Beach and I could take the bus there. I got excited! PERFECT! I love Hollywood Beach! It reminds me of what I think LA looks like.

By the time my boys got here I was already dressed looking cute in a creme turtleneck and creme corduroys with gold accented jewelry. But when we walked to take the bus I was told that the bridges to the beach were up and no traffic could go through.

We sadly walked back to my studio and took off our clothes. I opened my laptop and chose a movie, hoping it would raise our spirits. The internet connection was bad though so the movie kept pausing but.. in the meantime we simply.. enjoyed each other.

We told jokes. We told stories. We wrestled. We told secrets. They asked me to perform poetry and I did. By the time it was time for the NYE countdown, I had found a website that was streaming the ball drop from NY so I turned on the video camera and videotaped us watching the ball drop!

We screamed and we cheered as the countdown ended. My younger son leapt up and got naked and ran around the house screaming. LOL! I had no idea what was going on with him. Then I told them that it was a ritual to stand in a circle and make wishes for the new year and then sing ring around the rosey. “When we fall down, if we believe our wishes will come true, they will!” I explained.

They looked at me crazy but we did it!

My older son wished for a hundred dollars so he can buy everyone he knows something nice. My younger son wished for lots of hot cheetos so he can take them to school and sell them to his friends and he wished that I would get a new house that was really nice and not dirty. LOL!

I wished for a new car that is reliable and paid for a nice home and that all of my positive wishes would come true- As soon as I make them- ALL YEAR LONG!

Then we sang the song and all fell on the floor- except for my youngest, he flung himself on the bed. Then we heard noises outside so we went to see what it was and it was my landlord doing fireworks with her family. We joined them and they offered us food and even gave us half a strawberry cheesecake to enjoy!

“Thank GOD for your landlord,” my younger son said. Indeed.

We fell asleep listening to Erykah Badu croon through my laptop and by the time I woke up they were wrestling and playing. We got dressed and went to the park. Then we had fajitas at a mexican restaurant.

While we were eating I told my sons, “Well, you know I’m graduating in August and it’s crazy but the things I’m most good at, I can’t really find jobs for here in Miami. This city is really for tourists and models and I’m no model.”

My sons paused and looked at me, “It’s ok Mama. Pick another city and we can come visit you during the summer vacation. Pick a good city- like LA!”

My eyes grew wide. I tried not to let them see how elated I was. See, a couple of years ago they asked me not to leave again after my fantasy trek across country. They asked me to stay until they were in college or highschool. After this, I felt stuck. Stuck in this city where everyone thinks I’m weird. The poetry scene is the only scene where I feel like my creativity is appreciated.

I was even considering getting my PHD because I felt I had to find SOMETHING to do to make me stay here.

Now..my boys are actually saying I can go for mine, in whatever city I choose. I feel like the gates to heaven just opened up.

THIS TIME- I won’t just up and run with no direction. I believe that I am going to be headed toward something CONCRETE when I leave here, hopefully just after graduation in August.

Now, I have to be sure to learn as much as I can in my internship..pass my comprehensive exams and GRADUATE.

My boys and I visited another park before heading home to meet their Dad. When they left I came back inside, laid on my bed and sighed. It was so great to hear them says, “Dang, we had no TV and nowhere to go but we still had so much FUN MAMA!” We sure did!

I can do anything. My boys said it was okay.

I am much smarter and much stronger than I was the last time I ventured out.

I hope to fuse my education in counseling with my journalism abilities and do something GREAT in media.

I wonder where all of this will take me?

Right now I’m thinking Washington, DC. I mean, I had 3 people who lived in DC tell me that I do not belong in Miami and if I ever wanted to be appreciated for being the artist that I am, the woman that I am, DC is the place.

But it’s cold there.

I wonder if…

Maybe that’s the next place for me.

I’m going to start researching the city now.

I have been smiling all day long…and I can’t stop.

In 8 months, I’ll be on to my next adventure…

I am so super mean?

I mean…

I do not like it when people I dont know try to add me on facebook. I dont care if we just met today. I dont know you and I don’t want to have to delete you later.

I mean, if you google my name you’ll find out everything you ever wanted to know so seriously.. I don’t really need you on my facebook.

I’m so mean, huh?

I just had a convo with my friend B. It started as a gchat conversation…

“You know I love you, right?” he typed.

“Yep. So What’s up?”

And then he proceeded to write, “You’re gonna think I’m crazy…”

The convo switched to a phone conversation soon after as he explained to me what he believes is an awakening.

Now listen to this. B says I am his oldest friend. We met when I was 15. He was the guy who took my virginity; my first love. The last time I spoke with him, he revealed that he had broken up with the mother of his child and they were on the other side of the country. He seemed to be content with it, offering a negative explanation why it was okay.

Tonight, he was different. We had a 3 hour conversation about his spiritual awakening. These conversations are difficult to have because you can’t “explain” a revelation and I tried to follow him as best I could because I wanted to respect his experience and connect with him.

He taught me about how he meditates and how he realized that everything is the same and everything is one and how he now knows he is perfect. I was exhilarated upon hanging up the phone. Even though I didn’t understand all of his revelations it made me happy to see that he is happy about life..for the first time. See, the first time I saw him he looked so sad. I thought to myself, “I want to make him happy.” Three months later, we were a couple.

Hmm.. Now that I write that, I realize that most of my relationships with men are rooted in my desire to help them love themselves more and show them what Kings they are because I feel that they don’t know it.

Even my last crush.. Everyday I saw him I wanted to break down and say, “Do you know who you are? Please let me help you release your power.”

But I never did.

I had a ritual planned out and everything to help the healing process.

And.. during my convo with B, I realized something else. I love giving my gifts of encouragement. It makes me feel good to make a video or write an article but really.. while doing these things, in the back of my mind I was wanting some type of reward.

Like..I’ve been planting seeds, building my empire brick by brick but doing so in hope that someday, somehow, someone would see it and help me to move on to the next level. I haven’t really been doing it out of selflessness. I make my youtube videos for ME. Every video is an encouraging word for myself that I share with others.

But when I write..that is divine inspiration because I have no wisdom really, I just get an idea and sit down and it comes out of me.

I want to change my motivation for giving my creativity to the world. I want to give just because it is what I love to do instead of hoping that its a seed.

I’m going to have more fun with my creative work. I’m going to trust that whatever will be, will be.

I’ve been going through a very emotional situation that i do not feel like writing about. It started off beautifully but then just got weird and scary. I wonder how that happened. As a result, I’m not going to poetry anymore. Not soon anyway.

My internship starts next week anyway and with no car, that’s 3 buses so I have a lot to do.

I am soo glad NOT to be working at Red Lobster anymore. I really feel blessed that they fired me and never once have I sat back and said, “I miss it.” Not once.

I feel FREE. Geesh, I never knew how much in bondage I felt until it went away. Now, I feel like I’m living the life of my dreams, on meager means of course, but I haven’t completely starved yet.

Tonight in my convo with B I challenged him when he said, “If you truly had faith you would drop everything and go seek God.”

I said, “but B, this world is a gift to us, a playground where we can create anything we like. Dropping everything would mean ignoring this gift, this life.”

He paused and said, “How can you enjoy life when you don’t know what it is?”

That made me think.

I mean, I’m definitely aware that riches don’t create happiness and my life doesn’t have to be any different for me to appreciate who I am, but, I want to experience some of the abundance that i dream of. To be able to eat nice meals everyday. To love and be loved romantically. To be appreciated for sharing my gifts. To come home to a nice place that I am proud of and cozy in.

I had that before. But then that reminds me of what B said. “Stability is an illusion.”

He’s right. Things come and go. We can’t HOLD on to things forever, because they are an illusion.

Anyway…I’ve been trying to go to sleep but my mind keeps racing. I believe that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay. Losing anything only means being pushed into a better direction. I know that. I feel that.

Guess what? Tomorrow I get to spend the whole weekend with my boys! I haven’t done that in YEARS! I can’t wait to see them again and sleep with them. Having both of them in my arms feels like heaven. Seriously, while they are asleep I think to myself, “I could die right now and know I’ve lived a good life.”

They ARE my good life.

I’m so so grateful to know them and to have them as a part of me. They have no idea how much they bless me.

Um- I found my very first gray hair yesterday.

I undressed to take a shower and when I looked “down” it was staring back up at me. I looked closer and I gasped.

I felt dizzy.

I still do.

A gray hair?

A gray hair?

Me?

Oh wow.

Dear God, or the Universe or Higher Being,

Whatever name you like the most just let me know and I’ll call you by that but I just had to take the time to pray and meditate on my upcoming internship. I’ve come so far. I’m done with classes and all that’s left is for me to get through 8 months of working in an OFFICE in order to get my masters.

Did you hear me? I’ll be working in an OFFICE with OFFICE people for 8 months straight while I do this internship and you know that’s not my thang. I will understand if for some crazy reason I am unable to complete this but I really want to. I am so close.

Please help me to figure out how to be fake and phony and gossip and play office politics so I will survive. I need all the lessons from A to Z because I don’t play games and I don’t know how to. This is where I’ll need to learn how to conform.

So lead me. Show me how to be a workhorse. Show me how to shut up and not stand up for myself and allow complete strangers to act like they hold my future in the palm of their hands.

~sigh~

I’m going to be working in an office for 8 months.

Help……..

Sooooo….

I’m playing match maker this year. =)

One journalist who called to interview me about my latest endeavor asked me if I was going to be the next Millionaire Matchmaker. I laughed. Hmmm.. Maybe.

I mean, you know I became the Senior Writer for the website that speaks directly to the women who run things so once that happened I came up with this idea to profile single men who are poised to be the future leaders much like our handsome president.

Since I am the Senior Writer for this blossoming website I can pretty much gauge what type of men our readers like. Thank GOD they are attracted to the type of men that I find arousing which makes me a perfect fit for this audience. In fact, I think this website was created for ME. LOL

Anyway, after digging around I came up with a few potentials and we crafted the idea with a unique spin. One press release later, our numbers are up and we’re getting both hate mail and interest from the press.

I wanted to prove to America that the successful, prominent men who use their BRAINS to achieve success are sexy too. I want to applaud future leaders and show them props for what they have done and I definitely want to hook them up with great ladies too!

But first, I have to find these men and that is a task within itself. The criteria is stringent but I’ve met a few who inspired the qualifications, most notably THE PREZ. Remember him?

Anyway, my rolodex is swelling up because I’m receiving candidates for our bachelor of the month steadily. I’m looking over resumes, perusing photos, googling them and interviewing them and their character references because I do not want to make the wrong choices. It is important to me to find the RIGHT MEN.

What’s weird is, my tastes are changing. I don’t know if it’s because the type of man with the type of resume I wanted is becoming REGULAR to me or I just think that these type of men with these awesome qualifications couldn’t handle me. I’m not really attracted to any of them. I am proud of their accomplishments but I don’t see myself DESIRING THEM. Which is probably a good thing since I’ll be hooking them up with single sisters in the future.

Hmmm.. Relationship Therapist. Journalist. Matchmaker.

They all line up to me.