My Convo With B

I just had a convo with my friend B. It started as a gchat conversation…

“You know I love you, right?” he typed.

“Yep. So What’s up?”

And then he proceeded to write, “You’re gonna think I’m crazy…”

The convo switched to a phone conversation soon after as he explained to me what he believes is an awakening.

Now listen to this. B says I am his oldest friend. We met when I was 15. He was the guy who took my virginity; my first love. The last time I spoke with him, he revealed that he had broken up with the mother of his child and they were on the other side of the country. He seemed to be content with it, offering a negative explanation why it was okay.

Tonight, he was different. We had a 3 hour conversation about his spiritual awakening. These conversations are difficult to have because you can’t “explain” a revelation and I tried to follow him as best I could because I wanted to respect his experience and connect with him.

He taught me about how he meditates and how he realized that everything is the same and everything is one and how he now knows he is perfect. I was exhilarated upon hanging up the phone. Even though I didn’t understand all of his revelations it made me happy to see that he is happy about life..for the first time. See, the first time I saw him he looked so sad. I thought to myself, “I want to make him happy.” Three months later, we were a couple.

Hmm.. Now that I write that, I realize that most of my relationships with men are rooted in my desire to help them love themselves more and show them what Kings they are because I feel that they don’t know it.

Even my last crush.. Everyday I saw him I wanted to break down and say, “Do you know who you are? Please let me help you release your power.”

But I never did.

I had a ritual planned out and everything to help the healing process.

And.. during my convo with B, I realized something else. I love giving my gifts of encouragement. It makes me feel good to make a video or write an article but really.. while doing these things, in the back of my mind I was wanting some type of reward.

Like..I’ve been planting seeds, building my empire brick by brick but doing so in hope that someday, somehow, someone would see it and help me to move on to the next level. I haven’t really been doing it out of selflessness. I make my youtube videos for ME. Every video is an encouraging word for myself that I share with others.

But when I write..that is divine inspiration because I have no wisdom really, I just get an idea and sit down and it comes out of me.

I want to change my motivation for giving my creativity to the world. I want to give just because it is what I love to do instead of hoping that its a seed.

I’m going to have more fun with my creative work. I’m going to trust that whatever will be, will be.

I’ve been going through a very emotional situation that i do not feel like writing about. It started off beautifully but then just got weird and scary. I wonder how that happened. As a result, I’m not going to poetry anymore. Not soon anyway.

My internship starts next week anyway and with no car, that’s 3 buses so I have a lot to do.

I am soo glad NOT to be working at Red Lobster anymore. I really feel blessed that they fired me and never once have I sat back and said, “I miss it.” Not once.

I feel FREE. Geesh, I never knew how much in bondage I felt until it went away. Now, I feel like I’m living the life of my dreams, on meager means of course, but I haven’t completely starved yet.

Tonight in my convo with B I challenged him when he said, “If you truly had faith you would drop everything and go seek God.”

I said, “but B, this world is a gift to us, a playground where we can create anything we like. Dropping everything would mean ignoring this gift, this life.”

He paused and said, “How can you enjoy life when you don’t know what it is?”

That made me think.

I mean, I’m definitely aware that riches don’t create happiness and my life doesn’t have to be any different for me to appreciate who I am, but, I want to experience some of the abundance that i dream of. To be able to eat nice meals everyday. To love and be loved romantically. To be appreciated for sharing my gifts. To come home to a nice place that I am proud of and cozy in.

I had that before. But then that reminds me of what B said. “Stability is an illusion.”

He’s right. Things come and go. We can’t HOLD on to things forever, because they are an illusion.

Anyway…I’ve been trying to go to sleep but my mind keeps racing. I believe that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay. Losing anything only means being pushed into a better direction. I know that. I feel that.

Guess what? Tomorrow I get to spend the whole weekend with my boys! I haven’t done that in YEARS! I can’t wait to see them again and sleep with them. Having both of them in my arms feels like heaven. Seriously, while they are asleep I think to myself, “I could die right now and know I’ve lived a good life.”

They ARE my good life.

I’m so so grateful to know them and to have them as a part of me. They have no idea how much they bless me.