Share My World

I have been having some trouble staying awake at work during the day. This seems natural to me because I’m a night owl and I’m used to staying up at night but… the boring hours of training really make my head want to hit my desk.

I’m trying…trying to stay awake as i listen to boring teachers talk about mundane tasks. Yet…I do come alive when I’m actually DOING the job I was hired to do.

Let’s see what happens this week as I try to sit still and listen…

The challenges of working in a call center environment include…

Being introverted but working with extroverted personalities. I don’t really want to get to know anyone. Why are they talking to me? Why are they inviting me to lunch? Who are you? Leave me alone.

Having men who have no clue about my history with men, steadily engage me in conversation and try to “holla” Hello.. Didn’t you read my blog? I don’t really like men like that.

Spending so much money on meals. Lunch is the most exciting time of the day for “office people”. I am often asked, “How was lunch?” This startles me. Why the fuck do you care how much I enjoyed my sandwhich in my car? I don’t give a fuck what you did. Really I don’t.

Tamara says I’m mean. I guess I kinda am.

She has survived working in an office environment and even has gotten raises and promotions. Once I visited her at her office and that bitch shut the door with her office mate and proceeded to talk shit about her supervisor…like a regular office worker would. I was SHOCKED! Dayum, you are just like THEM! She laughed at me.

She’s better at adjusting to social situations and would put up with nonsense for the benefits that she sees. Like she has a friend that I would have BEEN cut off..but she says she enjoys her for other reasons.

I wish I was more like that. I prefer solitude. Not to be rude to anyone but I don’t really NEED to see you to validate our friendship. If I can, great, but if not, I still love you.

I’m a lone wolf. A recluse. Whatever you want to call it.

Oh. Ive been reading up on the Cancer personality and I am annoyed by the similarities. Who’d have thought that after all these years, the very qualities that I find most annoying about myself..are described as parts of my personality.

So why change them? Well…cuz I want to be better.

Why do you want to be better?

SO eventually I can have someone to TALK to instead of blogging all the time and making youtube videos just so I’d have someone to tell all my secrets to.

I mean, I have this blog and have been blogging my heart out for years…but really..I just wanna be..I just wanna be successful.

While the idea of success has changed for me, I still want to figure out what I’m GOOD at and reap the benefits of financial stability from it.

I’m 31. I’ll give it some time but, I just want to prove to myself that I’m good at SOMETHING.

Oh yeah. I decided…in my usual dumb ass way, that I will try my best to make it to my anniversary next October. Next October it will be TEN YEARS since I’ve been single.

Seems like a major milestone. ten years since I last loved someone who claimed to love me back.

Ten years of rejecting people and putting my guard up and being on the defense against love. I’m very good at it. I’m an expert at it. Although I really do want to embrace love, the impulse I have to push it away is too strong. I can’t do it.

I wonder, I really do, what exactly triggered the PTSD that my counselors claim that I am experiencing. Was it being fondled as a child by a man I trusted? Was it the verbal abuse for years by my stepfather? Was it my BBDD’s treatment? Was it the fact that he didn’t want me?

What was it? Whatever it was, it is causing me to believe that I am indeed, unloveable. And I’m accepting of that fact. Its almost comforting to me.

I met a great girl. really enjoyed her company. After about a week or so, she walks away and I never hear from her again. This interaction didn’t include sex so I don’t understand. Everyone walks away from me. is it my breath? I know I have horrible breath? Its so hard being a server and constantly in people’s face when my breath smells like hot shit. But what can i do?

This girl asked me a question…When was it that you first were afraid to be you?

That shocked me.

I think it happened..Well, I know it happened, when I got together with my BBDD. Before he was my BBDD. I had never met ANYONE who wasn’t super impressed by me (except for my parents) until him. He knocked the wind out of my sails and I clung to the pursuit of his approval like my life depended on it.

these days..I don’t give a flying fuck what he thinks or what he’s doing. I’m over it.. but I can still sense some longing to be loved and appreciated hanging on in there.

I wish I wasn’t like this. Thats why my mission is to help other women to be BETTER than I am. Even if its on a small scale like 2 or 3 women. I really hope to help because I wouldn’t wish this self imposed prison on anyone.

But then again…my zodiac sign says I was born this way and there’s no escape.

So..Even though I am freaking out because I have a WHOLE LONG ASS DAY TOMORROW THAT begins at 7am and ends at 10pm after class… I am going to drive to the store to buy an energy drink right now so first thing in the morning I can drink it and hopefully pep me up and not crash.

ughh…

Still laffing at myself though…

Ahhh… I miss my friends…

I’ve been adjusting to my new work schedule well. I actually enjoy both jobs so its not that difficult to wake up in the morning to go to work. I just..get a little overwhelmed when I have papers due.

I’m still a bit confused because I have so much going on…

I have to spend time with my sons…
I have to continue to expand my brand by developing new videos, new ebooks, new articles, new techniques to heal in life…
I am working on a documentary about drug relapse…
I have papers to do for school..
I have to find an internship for next semester…
I am applying for this doctoral program…
I have to pay bills…
I want to meet people who intellectually stimulate me…so I decided to start a women’s group…

I have so much going on!

I have a firm grasp of everything right now but I’m nervous it’ll slip away…

Not to mention the fact that I decided NOT to date anyone right now but my physical needs are SCREAMING OUT: I NEED TO FUCK!

I need a hug…
I need someone who is there for ME…
I need physical interactions with people I can trust…

I am still in counseling working on my issues with men…

I am still trying to keep up with the latest in personal development trends…

I am still twirling and evolving and I’m worn out…

But I have to go finish these papers and hopefully go to sleep..

I wish I could manifest a really good friend who gives lots of hugs and support and loves to come take care of me and kiss me and rub on me…

I need some replenishment…

For real.

Ok. Ok. I’m a stereotype dammit.

I mean.. all these years I have been running away from the stereotype that people place on me when they meet me, they think I’m a poet and I’m conscious and I listen to Erykah Badu. Well, they were right about all of that except I don’t listen to Erykah Badu.

I just never took the time although I admired her looks.

Until last night. My counselor suggested I find a song that relaxes me so that I can play it when I’m feeling anxiety and he told me that he plays Time’s A Wastin when he gets stressed out. I decided to download her CD and when I pressed play I ….felt like…. I was lost in time.

My first emotion was bliss…then it changed to…desire…desire to clean up. I looked around my apartment longing for this shit to be cleaned up so i can really relax and enjoy this music. Then I rolled my eyes and got lost in the music again.

My mind whirled and twirled and images of my best me flashed in my mind. I saw myself as I wish I could be…smiling…settled…prosperous…content.

I wanted to be a better woman…

This album, Mama’s Gun, made me wanna live a different, better, new and improved life.

Then my emotions went from hopeful to longing… Bag Lady…

“I betcha love can make it better…”

Damn…

I wish I was an Orange Moon

I’m an artist dammit.. but even I know that these songs were written in the key of life.

A life I’m not too keen on…but I want to be.

I feel open…

And When I heard Time’s a Wastin and around the 3 minute mark I almost lost myself… I wanted to fuck to this song..I wanted to get married to this song…I wanted to be touched to this song…

And when that shit break down around the 3 minute mark… I just wanna scream! Its like the angels were singing to me…

WHY IS THIS MUSIC TOUCHING ME SO MUCH?!! I want some help with this…

I feel like I felt when I heard Lauryn Hill’s voice for the first time… Like I felt when I heard Heard’Em Say by Kanye West.. It dumbfounded me… Ughh….

I’m so hurt and confused by all of this..

What kind of counselor introduces me to this type of music that grabs me by the soul?

I hate him.

I’m feeling so good right now…

I actually accomplished one of my goals this past week. Since last year I had been saying over and over again that I wanted to start doing mini documentaries and i finally did one!

BAD MEDICINE: A Drug Relapse Documentary

I spoke with Mimi the other night.

Ever since I was little I’ve had variations of the same nightmare. I’m usually running from my stepfather because he’s trying to kill me.

This morning I walked into a similar dream. My little brother and sister and I were hanging out in a big house having fun. I walked into my parents room where my mama was sitting on the bed with my stepfather. He looked at me and asked me for money. I told him I already give him enough money and he rose from the bed to scream at me. I walked away. He followed me saying he was gonna get more money. My mama followed us throughout the house.

I walked outside and he came after me with a big shotgun. My brother was outside playing and when I saw the shotgun I yelled at him to run. He began running and my mama started running too. I grabbed my sister and dragged her with me because she was little.

I heard the first gun shot. When I looked back my brother was on the ground. My Mama picked up her pace running…running.. I was ahead of her. I heard the second gun shot and then I didn’t hear her running anymore. When I looked back, as I dragged my sister through the open field, I saw him aim his shot gun at me and smile…

I turned around and kept running…

And then i told myself to wake up.

Maybe I died last night and this is my afterlife. Maybe that dream was true and now is what happens when you die; you feel like it was all a dream.

But as I rubbed my eyes and sat up in bed, I felt angry that I keep having this tortuous dream. I was angry that I can’t get over this. I was sad that even though I don’t even see him more than a few times a year, he still haunts me to this day.

Then I realized… It’s just a dream.

“He’s not like that anymore,” my sister told me one day.

He’s not like that anymore.

And even if he continues to kill me in my dreams, I always wake up.

It was cold for 3 days and I was miserable.

At least for the first two I was. With no heat in my studio apartment, the temperature dropped to the 40’s and I thought I should say one last prayer for my life. On the last night, a guy I was “talking to” brought me some food and an electric blanket. What an angel!

Until the next day when, out of the blue, he texted me a picture of his penis! Where do men get that from? Who says I want to see that? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY? Dude, I haven’t even kissed you yet. Needless to say that’s the LAST I’ll see of him. Disgusting.

Anyway..my whole world has changed again. It seems like it is a habit of mine. I’ve really learned how to create the life of my dreams by making wishes. It seems that every single one of my wishes have come true. But it’s not necessarily the easiest thing.

Like, i wished that I could just stay home and be creative and continue to build my brand. I was so tired of working two jobs, 7 days a week and going to school. I wished for it for 3 weeks straight and then..all of a sudden, I found myself carless and jobless.

Yep. When my car went under, I had to leave my day job because there was no way I could make it to school by bus after leaving work. And then..just when I thought, “I’ll pick up more shifts at Red.Lobster.” Days later. They fired me. Apparently, a customer called in to complain about me. One call and you’re out.

But honestly, leaving there I had a smile on my face. I never felt safe there. Never really comfortable. Although I had just received an award for Most Guest Compliments for the fiscal year, I was ready to move on in my heart. It seems that whatever your heart is ready for, or prepared for, your destiny will follow.

I know you’re thinking, “Here she goes again.” Man, I wish this wasn’t a part of my story but it is. I DO know that whenever there’s a loss it leaves room for something greater to come in. I believe that. i do. I’m just wondering…

So here I sit, on the brink of a new year, wondering what is going to happen next. Since all of my wishes have been coming true, I’ve been more careful what I wish for.

But literally, THIS IS what I wished for, sans all the wondering what will happen next. No car, no jobs, all I do is sit at home and create. I revamped all of my sites and added new content and I even created a new feature for a website that i write for. I’m hoping it will be a hit. Hopefully.

I secured my internship and I’m nervous about that. Working with young men who are drug addicted..in an office environment. Yikes!

8 months til graduation. Hoping everything goes smoothly. How will i support myself when I’m interning for free? I have no idea. The Universe knows but I don’t.

And then there’s my poetry. I’ve tried to stay away from this because I know I am non commital and impulsive and flaky when it comes to things sometimes but I’ve been going for a month now and performing my poems and I’m doing great.

In fact, last night, the poem I wrote last week was such a hit that they gave me a standing ovation and asked me to perform it AGAIN. I was shocked and pleased. It was a raunchy poem about sexing a nerd. But it was passionate because it was based on a real person.

So yeah.. Surprise surprise. I have a new crush. But. as usual its not someone I can BE with. Most of my crushes are like that. But in my mind, he’s awesome.

Yes, I said HE. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I was happily hating men when I met him last semester and then, I messed around and got to know him and allowed him to get to know me and I liked what I found.

I worked really hard in counseling last semester (This semester actually since it just ended last week) and I was adamant about getting over my issues with men. I worked and re worked my perspective and challenged myself and I guess it worked, cuz here I go again..liking a dude.

It doesn’t feel so scary since I can’t BE with him, but I never thought I would come to this point of wanting a man like that. I wrote a poem about his ass too! That’s the same poem that earned me a standing ovation. ~sigh~

What’s next on the horizon for Ms. Tee?

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m behind on my rent but the money seems to be flowing in for everything else so I’m eating and my lights are still on.

Just last night, I was chatting online with an internet friend and I was counseling him like I usually do. At one point in the IM conversation I wished I could get PAID for my counseling services and no less than 5 minutes later he typed, “Check your email.” ANd when I did, he had sent me a donation via paypal. I was astounded. He has NO CLUE about my financial situation. I just know..what I wish for…keeps happening.

So now I’m wishing for a stable car to drive to my internship and money to eat and live on without having to work anywhere outside of my home and I’m wishing for a friend who lives here..hell…I’ll be honest, I’m wishing for my crush to cross my path again.

I’m not “OVER” being a lesbian and dating women. I still get turned on when I see some of them, every once in a while but, it’s not the same as before. I think I was trying to RUN to women to give me validation for not liking men. When I decided to face that…It turns out that I like both and I’m becoming more comfortable with that idea.

I just wish…my crush was accessible. Lemme stop lieing, if he was I’d probably be scared to death.

I just wish..that I can pay my bills and have fun with my sons and go to my internship and do well and graduate and then become a journalist again.

My sister says, “I’m gonna start calling you Lynn,” referring to the character in Girlfriends who had a million degrees and never worked in any of the fields. I guess I’m like that. I just love to learn. And I hate offices. ANd I want to be a journalist more than anything else. I AM A JOURNALIST.

I’d love to do what I’m doing now, write from home, do creative videos and shows and articles and still be able to take care of myself. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve been to the bottom emotionally and physically and I always recover but I am nervous, wondering what’s on the next leg of my journey.

Just wondering….

I have had two dreams where my tooth comes out in the past week. I thought that was weird. I wake up and check my smile and wrinkle my eyebrow.

Tonight I was just sitting here and…my tooth came out. Weird.

I mean, I know this tooth should have been pulled a long time ago because an old dentist said it was a baby tooth that never came out but.. I was shocked when it just moved to the side and was dangling and i went into the bathroom and pushed it out with my tongue and it fell in the sink. I felt like a 9 year old.

Maybe it happened to save me some money since I’m manifesting being able to get my teeth fixed in the new year. Maybe the tooth fairy will come tonight. I sure could use $2,000 before the new year…

THE YEAR 2010

I gained — weight this year after I worked in an office for 2 months.

I lost —my car, my place to live, my job and my wardrobe. It was all replaced though!

I stopped — being afraid of men. I still don’t really care to entertain them, but I am no longer afraid. No longer a victim.

I started — dating women. Wowsa!

I was hugely satisfied by — my ability to THINK MY WAY OUT OF MY MESS. No matter what happened, I just CLICKED my brain on and took a positive perspective on it.

And frustrated by — my friend who is usually SOOO negative about everything. We made a conscious CHOICE to stay friends and it’s a battle but she’s happier and more positive now that she is in love.

I am so embarrassed that I — had to breathe all over my customers with my bad breath. Its gotten worse. I REALLY need to see a dentist.

Once again, I — had a brief crush on a dude who turned out to be gay. What’s up with that?

Once again, I did not — engage in sex with anyone on a regular basis. ~sigh~

The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is — No difference. I’m maybe 5 pounds heavier. Oh, I’m a little darker in skin tone since i tanned so hard this summer. i like it!

The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this December is– I realize that all my wishes come true so I’m more direct and expectant now.

I loved spending time — writing for Alphanista.com and making youtube videos. I hit my goal of 100 and exceeded it!

Why did I spend even two minutes — debating on whether or not I’ll start my coaching business. It’s time!

I should have spent more time — laughing.

I regret buying — nothing. I never regret spending money.

I will never regret buying –food– even though with that money I could have bought– cigarettes.

I —smoke– way too much.

I didn’t —travel–enough.

My job at Red Lobster –drove me crazy.

Was — facebook— crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?

The most relaxing place I went was — the beach. This summer every day I would wake up at 8 am and spend the morning at the beach. I want to do that more often.

I feel so —happy— when I write that down.

Why did I go to —Memorial weekend on south beach with my former co workers. We do not have fun the same way. smh

The best thing I did for someone else was — Travel to her city to help her become confident in approaching the woman she liked.

The best thing I did for myself was — listen to my intuition. I’m getting better and becoming more obedient. Its like.. I hear the thing to do and I do it, and no one understands but later I do.

The best thing someone did for me was — listen to me and help me to see that nothing is wrong with the things I want and he smiled at me every week. Thanks to my counselor. =)

The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is — meet someone like my counselor that I can actually become friends with and date. He was so ideal.

Ok 2011. What ya got in store for me?