Just Wondering

It was cold for 3 days and I was miserable.

At least for the first two I was. With no heat in my studio apartment, the temperature dropped to the 40’s and I thought I should say one last prayer for my life. On the last night, a guy I was “talking to” brought me some food and an electric blanket. What an angel!

Until the next day when, out of the blue, he texted me a picture of his penis! Where do men get that from? Who says I want to see that? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY? Dude, I haven’t even kissed you yet. Needless to say that’s the LAST I’ll see of him. Disgusting.

Anyway..my whole world has changed again. It seems like it is a habit of mine. I’ve really learned how to create the life of my dreams by making wishes. It seems that every single one of my wishes have come true. But it’s not necessarily the easiest thing.

Like, i wished that I could just stay home and be creative and continue to build my brand. I was so tired of working two jobs, 7 days a week and going to school. I wished for it for 3 weeks straight and then..all of a sudden, I found myself carless and jobless.

Yep. When my car went under, I had to leave my day job because there was no way I could make it to school by bus after leaving work. And then..just when I thought, “I’ll pick up more shifts at Red.Lobster.” Days later. They fired me. Apparently, a customer called in to complain about me. One call and you’re out.

But honestly, leaving there I had a smile on my face. I never felt safe there. Never really comfortable. Although I had just received an award for Most Guest Compliments for the fiscal year, I was ready to move on in my heart. It seems that whatever your heart is ready for, or prepared for, your destiny will follow.

I know you’re thinking, “Here she goes again.” Man, I wish this wasn’t a part of my story but it is. I DO know that whenever there’s a loss it leaves room for something greater to come in. I believe that. i do. I’m just wondering…

So here I sit, on the brink of a new year, wondering what is going to happen next. Since all of my wishes have been coming true, I’ve been more careful what I wish for.

But literally, THIS IS what I wished for, sans all the wondering what will happen next. No car, no jobs, all I do is sit at home and create. I revamped all of my sites and added new content and I even created a new feature for a website that i write for. I’m hoping it will be a hit. Hopefully.

I secured my internship and I’m nervous about that. Working with young men who are drug addicted..in an office environment. Yikes!

8 months til graduation. Hoping everything goes smoothly. How will i support myself when I’m interning for free? I have no idea. The Universe knows but I don’t.

And then there’s my poetry. I’ve tried to stay away from this because I know I am non commital and impulsive and flaky when it comes to things sometimes but I’ve been going for a month now and performing my poems and I’m doing great.

In fact, last night, the poem I wrote last week was such a hit that they gave me a standing ovation and asked me to perform it AGAIN. I was shocked and pleased. It was a raunchy poem about sexing a nerd. But it was passionate because it was based on a real person.

So yeah.. Surprise surprise. I have a new crush. But. as usual its not someone I can BE with. Most of my crushes are like that. But in my mind, he’s awesome.

Yes, I said HE. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for this to happen. I was happily hating men when I met him last semester and then, I messed around and got to know him and allowed him to get to know me and I liked what I found.

I worked really hard in counseling last semester (This semester actually since it just ended last week) and I was adamant about getting over my issues with men. I worked and re worked my perspective and challenged myself and I guess it worked, cuz here I go again..liking a dude.

It doesn’t feel so scary since I can’t BE with him, but I never thought I would come to this point of wanting a man like that. I wrote a poem about his ass too! That’s the same poem that earned me a standing ovation. ~sigh~

What’s next on the horizon for Ms. Tee?

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m behind on my rent but the money seems to be flowing in for everything else so I’m eating and my lights are still on.

Just last night, I was chatting online with an internet friend and I was counseling him like I usually do. At one point in the IM conversation I wished I could get PAID for my counseling services and no less than 5 minutes later he typed, “Check your email.” ANd when I did, he had sent me a donation via paypal. I was astounded. He has NO CLUE about my financial situation. I just know..what I wish for…keeps happening.

So now I’m wishing for a stable car to drive to my internship and money to eat and live on without having to work anywhere outside of my home and I’m wishing for a friend who lives here..hell…I’ll be honest, I’m wishing for my crush to cross my path again.

I’m not “OVER” being a lesbian and dating women. I still get turned on when I see some of them, every once in a while but, it’s not the same as before. I think I was trying to RUN to women to give me validation for not liking men. When I decided to face that…It turns out that I like both and I’m becoming more comfortable with that idea.

I just wish…my crush was accessible. Lemme stop lieing, if he was I’d probably be scared to death.

I just wish..that I can pay my bills and have fun with my sons and go to my internship and do well and graduate and then become a journalist again.

My sister says, “I’m gonna start calling you Lynn,” referring to the character in Girlfriends who had a million degrees and never worked in any of the fields. I guess I’m like that. I just love to learn. And I hate offices. ANd I want to be a journalist more than anything else. I AM A JOURNALIST.

I’d love to do what I’m doing now, write from home, do creative videos and shows and articles and still be able to take care of myself. I’m not afraid anymore. I’ve been to the bottom emotionally and physically and I always recover but I am nervous, wondering what’s on the next leg of my journey.

Just wondering….

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