On The Way To The Store

I have been having some trouble staying awake at work during the day. This seems natural to me because I’m a night owl and I’m used to staying up at night but… the boring hours of training really make my head want to hit my desk.

I’m trying…trying to stay awake as i listen to boring teachers talk about mundane tasks. Yet…I do come alive when I’m actually DOING the job I was hired to do.

Let’s see what happens this week as I try to sit still and listen…

The challenges of working in a call center environment include…

Being introverted but working with extroverted personalities. I don’t really want to get to know anyone. Why are they talking to me? Why are they inviting me to lunch? Who are you? Leave me alone.

Having men who have no clue about my history with men, steadily engage me in conversation and try to “holla” Hello.. Didn’t you read my blog? I don’t really like men like that.

Spending so much money on meals. Lunch is the most exciting time of the day for “office people”. I am often asked, “How was lunch?” This startles me. Why the fuck do you care how much I enjoyed my sandwhich in my car? I don’t give a fuck what you did. Really I don’t.

Tamara says I’m mean. I guess I kinda am.

She has survived working in an office environment and even has gotten raises and promotions. Once I visited her at her office and that bitch shut the door with her office mate and proceeded to talk shit about her supervisor…like a regular office worker would. I was SHOCKED! Dayum, you are just like THEM! She laughed at me.

She’s better at adjusting to social situations and would put up with nonsense for the benefits that she sees. Like she has a friend that I would have BEEN cut off..but she says she enjoys her for other reasons.

I wish I was more like that. I prefer solitude. Not to be rude to anyone but I don’t really NEED to see you to validate our friendship. If I can, great, but if not, I still love you.

I’m a lone wolf. A recluse. Whatever you want to call it.

Oh. Ive been reading up on the Cancer personality and I am annoyed by the similarities. Who’d have thought that after all these years, the very qualities that I find most annoying about myself..are described as parts of my personality.

So why change them? Well…cuz I want to be better.

Why do you want to be better?

SO eventually I can have someone to TALK to instead of blogging all the time and making youtube videos just so I’d have someone to tell all my secrets to.

I mean, I have this blog and have been blogging my heart out for years…but really..I just wanna be..I just wanna be successful.

While the idea of success has changed for me, I still want to figure out what I’m GOOD at and reap the benefits of financial stability from it.

I’m 31. I’ll give it some time but, I just want to prove to myself that I’m good at SOMETHING.

Oh yeah. I decided…in my usual dumb ass way, that I will try my best to make it to my anniversary next October. Next October it will be TEN YEARS since I’ve been single.

Seems like a major milestone. ten years since I last loved someone who claimed to love me back.

Ten years of rejecting people and putting my guard up and being on the defense against love. I’m very good at it. I’m an expert at it. Although I really do want to embrace love, the impulse I have to push it away is too strong. I can’t do it.

I wonder, I really do, what exactly triggered the PTSD that my counselors claim that I am experiencing. Was it being fondled as a child by a man I trusted? Was it the verbal abuse for years by my stepfather? Was it my BBDD’s treatment? Was it the fact that he didn’t want me?

What was it? Whatever it was, it is causing me to believe that I am indeed, unloveable. And I’m accepting of that fact. Its almost comforting to me.

I met a great girl. really enjoyed her company. After about a week or so, she walks away and I never hear from her again. This interaction didn’t include sex so I don’t understand. Everyone walks away from me. is it my breath? I know I have horrible breath? Its so hard being a server and constantly in people’s face when my breath smells like hot shit. But what can i do?

This girl asked me a question…When was it that you first were afraid to be you?

That shocked me.

I think it happened..Well, I know it happened, when I got together with my BBDD. Before he was my BBDD. I had never met ANYONE who wasn’t super impressed by me (except for my parents) until him. He knocked the wind out of my sails and I clung to the pursuit of his approval like my life depended on it.

these days..I don’t give a flying fuck what he thinks or what he’s doing. I’m over it.. but I can still sense some longing to be loved and appreciated hanging on in there.

I wish I wasn’t like this. Thats why my mission is to help other women to be BETTER than I am. Even if its on a small scale like 2 or 3 women. I really hope to help because I wouldn’t wish this self imposed prison on anyone.

But then again…my zodiac sign says I was born this way and there’s no escape.

So..Even though I am freaking out because I have a WHOLE LONG ASS DAY TOMORROW THAT begins at 7am and ends at 10pm after class… I am going to drive to the store to buy an energy drink right now so first thing in the morning I can drink it and hopefully pep me up and not crash.

ughh…

Still laffing at myself though…

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