Share My World

I feel like I’ve been smoking weed. And I haven’t, I promise.

Not today anyway.

Maybe I need to take some vitamins or something. Maybe I need a good massage. I just feel like my whole body is out of energy right now and I don’t have the umph to move off of this bed. I have so many projects going on, but thank GOD none of them are stressing me out. Everything I do now, is on my own timeline and I receive the benefit of either having joy or receiving money from doing it.

I keep getting subscribers for my other blog and I don’t know why. So I made myself come up with a new feature for it. I hate dissappointing readers. This week I’ll explore the fantasy: Learning to Relax and I’ll reveal some of my favorite relaxation techniques. I’ll even make a video for this feature.

As for me, I’m cool, I’m good, and I’m even better when I get a chance to speak with my friends. I’ve been trying to see if I can capture how happy everyone is right now in words, but I haven’t been able to do it justice.

Kim…FINALLY, FINALLY found a good job in Chicago and I am sooo relieved. No more believeing God to sustain her luxurious lifestyle. All I can say is, God really, REALLY loves her, He never takes anything from her, he only adds to her life and that is because she expects it.

Prince…well, if I have to hear one more, “You don’t understand how happy I am with this guy and how much I appreciate him in my life” conversation, I just may go to Atlanta and stab her. For so many years I watched her deal with dudes and I’d be like, “You can do better. You deserve better.”

Now when she calls me to talk about her relationship, I am sooo happy because this is what I had in mind. He does cool things for her and she trusts him, which is way out of her character. She never trusted any man.

Anna is doing well in Massage Therapy school. ~laffs~ Anna’s dreams are weird to me, but I’ll let her have them. ~shrugs~ Once she even told me that she always wanted to be a mortician. ~shakes head~ Anna’s different. But she’s so happy now! What a turnaround from when she first got married and I would be at home so upset because she wasn’t happy. Now they have found peace and are working together. Whew…all of these relationships wear me out…

And to think, I go to class and study this stuff too! I’m surrounded by relationship issues and I’m the only one I know who isn’t in a relationship. Sometimes it’s annoying as hell and other times, I wish I could experience some of the things we study in class or that my friends and sister talk about. At times I feel like the disabled child who goes to school to study body movement.

Oh well…

Damn its hot! For real, yo. This shit is stifling.

I’d like to manifest a nice, cool place to hang out, relax and write and chill, with plenty of free food and drinks and a nice, attractive brown man to rub on me from time to time.

I’ve placed my order, Universe. God ahead and fill it.

What else? This weave is hot as hell. People are complimenting me on my new look and I’m telling them, “Don’t get used to it because I’m taking this shit out. This is not a good look for the summer and I don’t like the attention I get with all this shit on my head.”

I’m still thinking about Donovan Daniels everyday. I now realize that it’s because you all know I rarely ever meet men that I am attracted to and just hearing his voice on the phone makes me feel like I’m a googly eyed fan of his. He has such a sexy voice.

You know what it is about him? He’s not a bitch. There’s nothing bitch-made about him at all. He doesn’t argue with women. He isn’t a whore. He just chills and is ..just fine. That’s all he does, make his money and look good. He’s such a nerd too. ~sigh~ I swear, if God can give me a man finer and more intelligent than Donovan, I think I’ll fall out.

That dude is fine. I should have*Censored* when he was here. But I didn’t. I held back.

And now I’m half mad, half happy that I didn’t try him like that and that’s because we would have both been stuck afterwards.

I’m such a nerd. All of my boyfriends are fantasies.

Steve was good though, wasn’t he? Dayummm!

This month I’ve been working on a story for the Herald’s education section. My editor emailed me telling me that she found out that the rate of 16 year olds getting their drivers licenses is down.

I had a great weekend. On Saturday morning I was able to watch my sons flag football team win their 7th consecutive game. They haven’t lost any games yet… I’m so proud of them.

After the game, the boys went with their Dad and his girlfriend and I came home to take a nap and then go over my writing goals for the day. I got one article completed and then started working on my next youtube video. Man…before I knew it, I had spent 3 hours figuring out how to convert the MOV file to a WMV file and find music and create an image for my opening sequence.

Yeah…I may be putting too much time into this, but honestly, it’s alot of fun. I think I’m a producer at heart. The idea of making a documentary appeals to me. I just need to do a bit more research and I’ll be able to start writing. ~sigh~

Sometimes I feel like I have too many talents. I don’t want to miss out on excercising any of my creative talents and I try to dabble in everything from writing, to producing, I do spoken word, all of that, man.

By 6:30 I was on my way to the Cheescake Factory for my friend Dianna’s birthday dinner. Dianna looked absolutely beautiful, as usual. I got to meet her other friends and an old friend from highschool. She and I sat there reminscing about the guys we had crushes on back in highschool.

“Do you remember Donovan Daniels?” I asked her.

“Oh yeah!” she said and laughed. “Didn’t you used to like him?”

“Uh..yeah.” I smiled.

“Girl, you used to go crazy whenever he came around in highschool. We all used to be like, ‘Tee is crazy'”.

“Yeah girl, well I saw him a couple of weeks ago,” I began and recounted the story of me and Donovan at his bachelor party kick-off.

We giggled and talked about our highschool days.

“Have you rode by Jackson lately?” she asked.

I frowned and looked away. “Yes, I have.”

“I almost cried when I saw it,” she told me.

“Yes, well, I did cry. Right in the car, right in the middle of traffic.”

They tore down our old highschool completely. Driving by there and seeing that really hurt my heart. As I cruised past, I could see the ghost of my former self, bouncing through the hallways with Anna and Tamara. All of that is over now. I wouldn’t go back, but that time remains a very valuable part of my life.

After the dinner, I rode out, intending to go home and continue working on my youtube video. On the way, I called up my guyfriend to see how he’s doing and he said, “Why don’t you come through? I’m grilling some steaks with my cousins and we’re playing dominoes.”

Aight.

I drove over there and when I step out of the car all of a sudden I feel nervous. You know I’m not the most sociable person, especially in a group full of men. I shake it off and walk inside the house, my guyfriend walking close behind me.

“Tee, this is my family. This is my Dad, my uncle, my cousins and those two are family friends,” Mr. X says.

“Hi,” I speak softly.

“Don’t be scared of us, come sit down. You play poker?”

“No,” I say and take a seat.

“You wanna learn?”

“No. Not really. I’m boring.”

“You’re boring? What do you like to do?” they ask me.

“Um..read and write,”I speak firmly. “Not really into games.”

They all laugh and I look over at Mr. X, hoping that he won’t try to push the issue.

“Come on,” he says. “You can sit by and try to catch on the game.” He pulls up a chair to the table and I give him a look, but I oblige.

15 minutes later, he’s leading me away from the table and outside.

“You ready to go home?” he asked me.

“Yeah, just about.” I smile at him.

Although I’ve only been hanging out with him for a few weeks, he has yet to try anything with me. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I keep telling him that I don’t like him like that. He usually listens and then says, “It’s whatever you want it to be.”

20 minutes later, I’m parking outside of his house and he smiles and opens the door for me.

I shake my head.

Damn. I know I don’t like him like that, but I sure do like the way he takes such good care of me. Whatever I want. Whatever I ask for. He always has it or gets it for me. I feel like a princess. And boy…I do love the way he sweats me so hard.

You would think I was Beyonce the way he looks at me.

He opens the door to his room and I look around and sit on his bed, removing my sandals. He walks over to me with a clean towel and wipes my feet for me.

“Now, you comfortable?” he asks.

“Yes, thanks.”

We sit up and watch TV until we fall asleep. Of course I feel him trying to make a move while I’m dozing off and in a way, I want him to, but then again, I’m just not feeling it, or him.

I’m so confused. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me because…I don’t meet men who I’m attracted to. That’s simply crazy to me.

And as I watch all of my friends in their delicious relationships, I’m wondering..Well, maybe my ability to be content by myself is a gift from God. There has to be some reason why no one excites me…

No one since…well, you know.

Man, that’s crazy. So crazy. I do like to be touched, but there’s no one around that I want to rub on me. When I’m with most men I meet, all I feel is..numb.

Hmmm….

So I met this dude last week at McDonald’s.

Oooo Weeee!

Can you say DAMN THAT MAN IS FINE AS HELL?!

Yowsa!

So last night I get out of class and I call up the artist guy, we’ll call him Luke. He gives me directions to meet up with him and I hop on 95 to get there.

“Do you like Karaoke?” he asks me. My eyes light up.

I LOVE KARAOKE!

When we get to the spot, I grab my lip gloss to freshen up before I step out of the car. As soon as I see him walk up to my car it seems like he’s walking in slow motion as my heart starts beating fast and I hear a soundtrack playing in my head:

LSG’s My Body

Body…. Body…
My Body all over your body, baby
Your body all over my body
My body all over your body,
It’s your body, boy
I want your body boy

I manage to compose myself as those fine ass bow legs come sauntering toward me. Dayummmm….

We hug and smile at each other.

“Let’s go inside,” he says and grabs my hand.

It’s a spot on 183rd called The Pub. He knows the owner, the bartenders, everybody. We sit at the bar and chat and I learn that he went to my neighborhood highschool, Northwestern and he used to play football while he was there. He then went on to FAMU, but I’m not sure what happened after that. Our legs are touching as we sit on the bar stools and I can tell that its intentional.

“How old are you?” I ask him and casually touch his leg.

“I’ll be 32 on Friday,” he replies, looking me in my eyes.

“Oh cool,” I say.

“So do you have any plans for Friday night?”

“Not really.”

“Well, then why don’t you come out with me and my friends? We’re going to dinner and then to the club.”

“Sounds fun. I think I’ll be able to make it.”

I finish one drink and I look at him and smile, “This drink was so weak. I need another one.”

“Well, I have a bottle of grey goose in the car if you wanna go take some shots with me.”

I laugh. “You’re so hood. Let’s go. I have cups in my car.”

I honestly believe that I manifested this situation because it feels like a dream to me. Our chemistry is off the charts, I can almost taste the attraction between us. We both take one shot and start talking about the day we met and what we thought of each other.

“I had no idea you were going to call me,” he said.

“Are you kidding? Once I saw those legs, that was a wrap.”

He blushed.

Then our eyes meet and we both smile and look away. I can’t even describe the feeling but our eyes spoke to each other.

“I want you,” they whispered.

“What are you thinking?” I ask him, feeling the heat of the vodka warming my chest.

He shakes his head and looks away. “Well…do you really want to know?”

“Yeah, go ahead,” I urge him.

“I’m thinking…Damn I want to kiss her.”

“Hmm…” I say.

“What do you think about that?” he asks.

“I think that would be a good idea,” I whisper.

And for the first time in forever…I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I kissed a man…

He leaned in and…we kissed.

It was kinda weird. I was so turned on by it though.

When we stopped, we both gulped and looked away.

“Let’s go back inside, I want to sing,” I said.

We had a wonderful, beautiful, glorious evening. I sang three songs and I even got a $5 tip from someone because they said I did a good job. I sang Lauryn Hill’s To Zion, Snoop’s Gin & Juice, and Michael Jackson’s Rock With You.

We laughed and laughed and drank and drank and even made out in the middle of the club. Me sitting on his lap, his friends kept stopping by to say hi. He’s so sweet. Damn…

The night didn’t end there.

Oh no…

I got everything I was hoping to get and I woke up this morning SMILING AND SINGING with a huge red mark on my neck.

~sigh~

I love being grown.

But you know what? Last night sure did make me feel like a college kid again…

I look forward to seeing him again for his birthday.

Wow.

I woke up with this bad feeling just now. I had a nightmare, yes, I did. One of those action movie plot type of nightmares where you have to run and hide from someone who wants to kill you and your family.

I hate those type of movies…but when I have a nightmare like that, I always make it through.

But anyway, when I woke up, I just had this feeling that I should leave Luke alone. Maybe it’s fear of relationship success or failure but, I think it would be best if I didn’t get involved with anything right now.

I’ma leave that alone, before I create a reason to hang on when, inside, although we had fun, something doesn’t feel right.

Damn…I was looking forward to that birthday party too.

As you start paying attention to the absolute correlation between the way you feel and what’s manifesting, then you understand that you hold the key to the letting it in.

If you could see an aerial view, and we can.

All of these things that you have been asking for are lined up right outsid e your door. Lined up right there. Endless people and places and circumstances and events all lined up to accommodate you. All lined up. And as you reach for the thought that feels a little bit better, some of them squirt in. As you reach for the thought that feels a little better, more of them will squirt in. As you reach Right away in the first day, of finding the delicious relief that rage give s you over depression, something will manifest. You will see movement in your experience just with that incremental change.

And you can imagine each day that you reclaim your ground, and you begin saying things like ‘Well I’m not there yet, I’m not into positive emotion, but I sure fe el better than I did.’

And everything in your experience, every relationship will adjust to the ne w stance you have found vibrationally.

Abraham-Hicks, San Antonio, TZ 11/22/03

My good friend Kim in Chicago called me late one night, about a month back.

“Girl, turn it on Tyra’s show. They’re having a show about how light skinned Blacks have it easier.”

I raised my eyebrow.

“Dawg, what are you trying to say?!” I half joked to my dark skinned sister on the other end of the line.

“I’m just saying this should be interesting.”

“Dawg, are you trying to say that you think I have it better? Is there a message that you’re trying to send to me?”

She laughed.

“I just thought you’d like to watch it,” she giggled.

As we watched the show I asked her all types of questions that we’d never discussed before. I’ve known Kim since we were 15 and we’ve always been good friends, but honestly, the issue of us being treated differently because of the difference in our skin color had never come up.

Kim admitted that she was often told that she was “pretty for a dark skinned girl” but she hadn’t allowed it to bother her. “Most of my friends are light skinned,” she said. “But I have noticed that sometimes when I go out with light skinned women and I get more attention from men, the girls will look like they’re dumbfounded, as though they never expected that to happen.”

******************************************

My best friend Tamara who lives in Atlanta, and I were chit chatting as usual today when I brought up the idea that entertainers help each other by doing cross promotions.

“Yeah, so I just read that Tom Joyner took his cruise to Turks & Caicos this year,” I said. “I think that was very smart because it gave press to Lisa Raye and her husband and their tourism industry plus it helped this year’s cruise to become more than just another TJ Cruise. Both camps benefited from this plan.”

“Speaking of Tom Joyner, I heard them on the radio clowing him the other day,” Tamara said.

“Why?”

“Oh girl, they were saying that he’s in love with Obama and he’s promoting him a little too much.”

“Ahh..But you have to look at WHY Tom is doing that,” I explained. “Think about where Tom is from and the era that he grew up in. I read his biography and he’s from Tuskegee. Think about how he grew up in Tuskegee which was during his day, the mecca for upwardly mobile Blacks in the entire country. So you got this guy who grew up influenced by people like George Washington Carver and Booker T. Washington. You know Carver was all about creating a Black community where Blacks were self sufficient. In Tuskegee, the whole town was run by Black people. They even had their own seperate power supply. They created that University to teach Blacks how to take care of all of their needs on their own.”

“So, that’s why he’s unapologetic about creating a nationally syndicated radio show about and for Black people when some could argue that he could have even made more money by catering to a more generic audience,” I continued without missing a beat. “So, him backing Obama is like ‘He’s Black, We can do this!’ I don’t know specifically why he backs Obama but even if it’s ‘He’s Black’ I bet Tom wouldn’t apologize. He supports Black people! End of story.”

********************************************************

My friend Kenya in Brooklyn called me up tonight to discuss details surrounding our latest joint project. As the conversation drifted to personal discussion as it usually does, I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes when I had to literally dry my hands and sit down as she went into this deep monologue about how she’s not feeling light skinned people right now.

She told me a story about how she watched as a light skinned woman who works with her is given so much favor even though she is unqualified and inexperienced. Kenya went on to describe in detail how she and her darker skinned friends have been often told that they were too dark to date.

“It’s not like they’re saying that we’re too shallow or too uneducated or too stuck up. Their only reason is the fact that we’re dark skinned,” Kenya said, a hint of annoyance in her voice. “Light skinned women can have their pick of all men across the board. There’s a saying that goes, ‘The Black woman is the mule of the earth’ or something like that, and I’m telling you that right now, I’m feeling like the mule!”

I didn’t know how to reply. Inside, I felt like ‘Damn what can I say? I know she doesn’t mean ME, but in a way, she DOES mean ME!

“Kenya,” I began. “I mean, I know this may sound stupid but I’m asking myself, ‘Does that still happen today?”

“YES! It happens,” she exclaimed. “All the time!”

“I mean, when I look at myself in the mirror I recognize that I’m light skinned with green eyes and now I’m wearing this blonde ass weave in my hair. I’m pushing the mainstream light skinned chick look these days, but should I feel guilty if looking like this helps me to get jobs or favor? What can I do about it? I can’t help how I look.”

“No, you shouldn’t feel guilty,” Kenya replied. “We should ALL be ashamed that things are still this way. We’re so divided among our OWN RACE. I’m tired of it!”