“Make YOURSELF!”- My Mama

Outside of whining about poor treatment from my BBDD, my Mama and I never sat down and had a discussion about men. She didn’t teach me about how I was supposed to be treated, she just lived and I lived completely oblivious to the silent lessons, both positive and negative, that I was learning by watching her relationship.

I get my view of house keeping from my Mama. My Mama’s husband did all the cooking and cleaning while he worked two jobs to give us what we wanted. My Mama would come home from work, grab a Budweiser and watch the stories. To this day, he STILL works two jobs and she helps some with the housecleaning now but she says she won’t cook because she’s spoiled and he shouldn’t have let her get lazy when she was younger because she’s not doing it now.

Tonight my Mama called me and said, “You do have a Mama. I just wanted to remind you.” I laughed at her, realizing that I hadn’t called in a few days.

We talked about my cousin’s upcoming wedding and the DVD she was making for her. Then I told her I’d go through the DVD she sent me and write down suggestions to make the next one better. I picked up the DVD and looked at it, my aunt’s face staring back at me. My aunt is gone. The last time I was in Miami she called my phone and asked me to come see her but I didn’t because I was so busy running the streets with my boys.

I asked my Mama how she felt about her siblings dieing each year. I was kinda afraid to ask her because we never talk about her feelings. She said, “Well, each one of them was sick so I’d rather see them at peace than hurting. When you grow up rough like I did a lot of things don’t get to you. We all gotta go sometime. I’m getting old myself. I got gray hair in the front but I keep dying it so it won’t show.”

“Do you feel old?” I asked her.

“Sometimes I do. Dealing with my sugar levels and thank God I don’t have high blood pressure. But I bought that treadmill but I don’t even use it anymore because it makes my knees hurt.”

She asked how my friends are doing and I told her that Tamara’s wedding is a few months away but she was going through fear, not knowing if it was truly the right thing to do.

“Well, all I have to say is, She got time. If God don’t want her marriage to happen, she won’t make it down that aisle. God will take care of it.”

“That’s what she says too, but I don’t know. I think we can all make a decision without God having to bring disaster.”

“Tamara has her head right, if she’s trusting God to show her, He will.”

“I don’t want to have to deal with any of that,” I told her softly. “Sometimes I think that relationships are more headache than they’re worth. Maybe I should just stick to my fantasy boyfriends.”

“The problem with these women today is, they don’t know their cootchie from a hole in the wall,” she said and I laughed. “They think that they have to take care of a man to get him to stay. They think if they do everything for him he will love them but all they’re really doing is showing him that they love him more than they love themselves and no man will respect that. The man will know that he can do whatever he wants and she will still love him and stand by him, so he WILL do whatever he wants.”

“If a man acts a certain way when ya’ll first get together, that’s how he’s going to continue to be. If it hurts you and you let it slide, he will never change,” she said. “So it’s on YOU if you stay and continue to be hurt over it. You don’t like it, but you actually choose it if you still stay with him. You are choosing to deal with it.”

“My whole thing is,” she continued. “You can’t force a man to be who you want him to be. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.”

“How will you know he’s ready?” I asked her.

“Because…He will make it happen. You won’t have to do anything, you won’t have to prove yourself and you will see that he is making all the effort to be with you. Look at your sister, she did that wedding all by herself. That man wasn’t even working. He saw she was paying for everything and he wouldn’t even go and get a small job to help her. Do you really think he was going to take care of her after she did all that? Hell no! He couldn’t even take care of himself. How is he going to add to her life? Now look at him.”

“You make me want to cry,” I told her.

“You should cry. You should cry tears of joy that you ain’t in no mess like that.”

“Why do you think I’m not in a relationship, Ma?” I was curious to hear her opinion.

“Cuz you don’t play that shit! You ain’t wit’ it! You know that the man is supposed to take care of the woman and I know you ain’t fallin for that ‘I’m in love so I’ll take up the slack’ mess. Meet a man who takes good care of his Mama and says good things about her and you will find a good man. If he honors his Mama and his family then he will honor you and your family if he chooses to make you his wife.”

“I agree,” I told her.

“If you never listen to what I have to say, please remember this–MAKE YOURSELF. Don’t wait for a man to make you. Become who you are going to become and then when you add a man to the mix you will be more confident in who you are and you’ll always know that if things go wrong you can make it on your own.”

“That’s how I feel now. I know I can make it on my own. I don’t feel like any man has ever contributed to my success, but I’d like to build some part of my life with him. Even though I expect him to be able to take care of me financially, he’s really gonna be hard pressed to experience the type of success that I am going to achieve no matter how great his business is going. So it’s not really about the money, it’s about knowing he’s down for me and he’s willing and positioned to support me in whatever way he can because he truly wants to see me reach my goals.”

When we hung up the phone my heart was hurting. I asked myself, “If he’s supposed to handle things financially and you don’t cook or clean then what would you bring to the table?”

I began to feel badly as I searched my heart.

Well..I’m Tee. I have the gift of encouragement and motivating those around me to success. I do it with my friends. I’m smart too. I have a healthy work ethic and I love to work hard and long…the same way that I love people. I’m loyal and every man needs a woman beside him who believes in his dream and wants to help him get there, just like I want him to support me.

I don’t know man. My friends and their relationships kinda make me glad that I’m not in one. But I guess it’s the same as my friendships. None of my friendships are easy to maintain. We fight, we get emotional and we sometimes say the wrong things, but in the end, we all know we aren’t going anywhere and we truly want the best for each other’s lives.

The older I get, the more I get to know who my Mama is. I used to think she was so…ughh…But now that I’m grown I see things so differently.

She’s a woman. Just like me.

Don’t Try This At Home

I am so flattered and inspired by the many emails I receive from readers who have gained inspiration from my story. People have written in to tell me how they stepped away from jobs they hated and have now found happiness in the workplace. They share how my testimonies of my engagement in abusive relationships helped them to recognize those same patterns in their lives and how my faith leads to building more faith in their lives.

But I have to warn anyone who is thinking of stepping out like I have…DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME…unless you are really ready to grind it out.

This situation is breaking me from my old ways. Growing up, I realize now how spoiled I was. I never had to ask for anything twice. I didn’t have the latest fashions because I was not really into all that, but I always had money and new outfits and hair do’s for every event. I never went without. Even in school when I had new ideas I wanted to implement, I can’t remember anyone ever telling me NO.

Because of this I began to understand that I could do anything I wanted to do. But now…it’s not so easy anymore. If you ask God to increase your faith, He will give you a tough situation that you will have to trust Him with. That’s not fun or easy. This is hard. This is lonely. Living like I do means that I have to face criticism on a daily basis. I’ve lost close friends who don’t approve of my decision making and I miss my family so much.

For those who have written to tell me that they quit their jobs and have found better ones, I am so happy about that! There are others who are thinking of doing the same thing but please understand that you may not be able to do what I’m doing unless you are going where I am going.

For my vision to come to pass, I HAVE to make these bold moves and stick to my principles but the ONLY reason why I was able to begin this journey in the first place is because God made it possible for my sons to be well taken care of by their father. I don’t have to worry about whether they are doing okay, he’s a good Daddy and I know he is doing a great job with them.

Before you step out on faith because you are unhappy where you are, please make a plan. Craft your vision for your life. Draw it out. Put it on paper. Then find others who have accomplished your dream and reach out to them for advice. If you can’t find anyone, please write to me and I will add your dream to my editorial calendar for my website and we can explore it together.

I am able to move around and jump from city to city because I have developed a skill set that is valuable in any city. I have educatied myself. I have had plenty of practice at marketing myself and I know how to impress a potential employer. The most important part of my ability to jump up and do what I want to do is the fact that when I have the opportunity to work, I DELIVER on my promises. I have a solid track record with exceeding expectations in the workplace and even though none of my past positions worked out where I could stay, no employer could ever complain about my work ethic or tenacity.

I am living according to how I feel God has led me to live, but my journey may be different from yours. You’ve seen me grow from a hopeful journalist into a professional but it’s taken YEARS for me to get here and I’m still not where I want to be. I do know that my gift is valuable and I have the paperwork to back up my claims.

Please remember that although you may have lofty dreams, there’s a lot of hard work that must be undertaken to accomplish them and if you have a family, you have to have the proper support systems in place in order for you to break away and take such a big risk.

A big part of my vision is to set up a foundation for dreamers like you and me. I will allow people to participate in my training program and have a chance to apply for a grant to allow them the stability to create their vision. But until then I feel helpless because all I can offer you is prayer and an encouraging word. I really want to be able to do more but I can’t right now.

Let me reiterate, this is NOT EASY. It takes a strong mind and a strong faith to do what I am doing. You have to be able to shut out all of the naysayers and humble yourself. Sometimes I think about rejecting the blessings that God sends my way because I feel like I shouldn’t have to accept donations of food and clothing. It hurts me that I can’t be a blessing to my friends right now but the end will justify the means.

I do enjoy coaching the people who write to me for advice, but I’m seeing a pattern in their frustration. They are dissatisfied with their current life but they have no vision for a better one. All they are focused on is running away from what they have, but when you decide to run away, you have to be running toward something.

Don’t make a move unless you are confident with where you are trying to go. Set a clear vision and then map out the steps necessary to achieve them. A solid education is a great place to start. Volunteering is an excellent way to get in on the ground floor of your vision. You have to have PATIENCE and you have to FOCUS on your fantasy. You must lay a proper foundation and you have to do the work.

Your testimony may not be the same as mine. I hope it’s not, I don’t like to see people struggle and waver in their faith. It hurts me when I can not help them through it but one day I will be able to help. My vision is to position myself to help you achieve your dreams, but for now all I can do is share the tough lessons that I am learning while I am pursuing my own.

Visit my website over the next few weeks and I will attempt to walk you step by step through crafting your vision and setting a foundation for your success.

May God be with you during your quest to achieve your fantasy life. Don’t be disgruntled by your frustration. As Kimora Lee Simmons wrote in her book abulosity, High expectations lead to frustration and frustration leads to action. Allow your frustration to motivate you to lay the ground work for your dreams.

Good luck!

House Shopping & Wishing

Yesterday I decided to get out of the house and do one of my favorite things: house shopping.

I just love it when I find a nice neighborhood with nice big houses. I drive around and imagine myself living there and driving home everyday after picking my kids up from school. ~sigh~

This one neighborhood I found is right up the street in Addison. These houses make my heart melt. I really want to live like this (or better) one day soon.

Where I Was Supposed To Be All Along

I had a relaxing day. I actually COOKED myself something to eat. I watched a movie called Interstate 60 and although it took a minute to get good and it was a bit contrived, I still enjoyed the lessons it taught me.

Everything that happens is inevitable, the main character had to learn. He also learned to follow his own heart instead of doing what others told him to do. I also learned that there are consequences to every wish, I mean even the most perfect desire has its downside. That led to me thinking about my future and the amount of people I hope to reach through my writing and coaching and I wondered if I would ever consider success to be a burden. Does anyone ever regret their success once they have it?

I did the final read through of my engagement story with the couple. It turned out much differently than I anticipated. I remember my publisher in Houston saying the same thing about my writing style, she remarked, “Your style is a mixture of styles.” It is. I comfort myself by saying that it’s the internet and there’s no style manual for internet writing so I’m okay.

I also did an interview of an old friend of mine who is well on his way to accomplishing his dreams. He wants to make sure he is financially secure so that he can take care of his family. We also talked about being single and abstinent and how it’s time to do things differently than we did them in the past. He admitted that he didn’t want to be “out there” anymore because he wanted to experience the fullness of love & secks.

I told him about my crush on The Prez and his disinterest in me. Since that post where I released my emotions about how I felt I have had the strangest feeling about it all. I feel like I’m finally letting go. I can’t force someone to see who I am and want to be with me and I don’t think that God would send me someone that I had to prove myself to. I guess I like him because of the way he has taken on such a lofty challenge at such a young age. I think more than liking him as a person, I just had this idea in my mind that I could help him shine with my encouragement. The truth of the matter is, I don’t really know him and I have no idea if he’s right for me. I guess the fantasy of being with someone that I can see is going in the same direction as I am fueled my infatuation.

I feel like I’m getting over it now. All I have to do is forgive myself for being so foolish. Ruby used to remind me, “Tee, you love PEOPLE.” It’s true, I want to be an asset to everyone’s life and when people share their dreams with me I feel like it’s my responsibility to help make them happen.

There’s a pattern that I see as I write these love stories. I see now that the connections are made between two people who are in the same places in life both profesionally and spiritually. Even with Kanye and his fiance, they have the same love of fashion. It takes a common passion to unite two people and I’ll wait patiently until I find that perfect match. No more trying to make prove myself or wreckless fantasizing on my end.

I have been working so hard on my website. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to really enjoying my career and accomplishing my dream of using my gift to help people achieve the success I want for myself. I have so much peace and excitement about it all and the happiness I feel when I’m working from home, doing interviews in my underwear and staying up late to write, lets me know that this is what I was supposed to be doing all along.

I’m feeling melancholy right now, thinking about the mistakes I’ve made in the past. But all of that is erased in my mind because I know that I am on the divine plane and God is directing my path.

I’m training myself to forget about what I thought was lost and to look forward to a bright future filled with FURNITURE, LOVE & LAUGHTER and a little bit of kinky secks too.

Releasing The Flow

Kim texted me early this morning.

You gotta watch Oprah today.

I shook my head because Oprah is Kim’s idol. Her dream is to go on the Oprah show with me. Yeah, I know. It’s not my dream, it’s hers but I told her that if I ever appear on Oprah I’ll make sure that she is there too.

Why? I texted her back.

Cuz its about the same thing we were talking about last night.

What time and channed? I texted her.

ABC at 4.

So I tried to remember to watch the show. It took a lot since I don’t watch television regularly. I found the right channel at the right time and my eyes grew wide when I saw what the topic was: LOVE STORIES.

How ironic. Angela Bassett was on the show with her husband and they told their love story. I actually came up with the same idea to have Angela and her husband discuss their book as well as a discussion on love in the Black community a few weeks ago. I pitched it to the website along with the idea for my engagement story. They never responded. ~shrugs~ Maybe they didn’t think it was a good idea or maybe I need to leave them alone since I did leave there.

I think I’d make a great producer. I have so many great ideas and no one to give them to. I love to organize features and I’d actually be good at bringing the whole thing together. I began to feel a little sad because I feel like my talent is going to waste. It reminds me of my friend Kenya who is consistently in the same situation that I am in with so much talent and creative ideas and no one to use them or back them.

But when I thought about the interview I did earlier today for my site, I regained my peace. The woman I interviewed is a financial planner, speaker, radio host and author and she loved my website. She shared a few of her principles with me about knowing that God is your source and supply and how important it is to completely trust Him to bring to pass your desired end.

She said that fears come when we depend on ourselves but when we realize that God is working through us, we will have more confidence. She also talked about the flow of God and how He gives us gifts that others will need so there’s an even exchange of gifts for gifts. If we never break the flow by doubting ourselves or stepping out of God’s will, all of our needs will be met.

It reminded me of how I paid my bills for last month. Ross the photographer, needed a writer to tell his love story and I had the gift to do it. It was definitely a divine appointment and I am still grateful for the provision. When I think about that I don’t worry about my rent being due in 2 days and how I have no money for it. God is my supply and He won’t take away the home He gave me. I am through with sleeping in my car. I know that’s for sure.

~sigh~ I told you this journey is breaking me. I’m used to having what I want when I want it and I’m learning patience and focus as I concentrate on giving my gift and allowing God to move on my behalf.

I should definitely look into the producer job though. I wonder who could use me. I wonder if that’s where I’m supposed to go next. I know I’d be excellent at it, I just don’t know if a company could handle me. Damn I work hard when I have a job and no one can deny that. I don’t understand why I get complaints for doing too much, but I guess it’s God’s will for my life.

Mediocrity attacks excellence is the quote Kenya texted me a few days ago. I had to call her to discuss. She said that when people see you doing superior work they try to attack you because they don’t want you to force them to step up their game.

Oh well. What can I do but move forward? I trust that I am right in the palm of His hand and as he changes my heart and leads the way, I’m open to the flow of His divine plan.

Satisfied In Giving

I don’t know about you but I can find inspiration in anything. As I wait for my next miracle, expecting it wholeheartedly I look for messages in every phone call, every book and every song I hear.

Remember Rick Ross’s song from last summer, Push it To the Limit? My publisher in Atlanta and I had a conversation about that song because I told him that it was an inspirational song and he looked at me like I was crazy.

“They’re talking about trafficking drugs, Tee,” he said confidently.

“No they’re not. They’re talking about going after your dreams and not giving up no matter what!” I shot back.

He laughed at me. But to this day, whenever I think about the chorus it pushes me to keep going.

When I watch movies I look for the inspirational message behind them. And because I expect to find one, I usually do.

Tonight one of my old co workers invited me to a movie screening. I went because I enjoy spending time with her, we always laugh and have fun. We went to the movie theatre down the street from my house to watch Hot Rod, a comedy about a stunt man. It was hilarious! I even got a tattoo and a t-shirt. I laughed out loud plenty of times and I really had a good time.

This movie was inspirational to me because the main character, Rod, had a dream for his life but he wasn’t really succeeding at accomplishing his dream. Once he had a cause to push him to fight for the realization of being a successful stuntman he pushed forward with so much passion that it gave me chills. His faith was shaken when he realized that his dream was built on a lie and he gave up and tried to change who he was. But you know what, when your destiny is calling you, you can’t run from it.

Not even a day after he gave up on his dream, someone contacted him telling him that they had heard about his mission and they wanted to sponsor him to achieve his goal. It’s funny that this person had a dream too and saw the opportunity to propel his own goals through supporting Rod’s dream. In the end Rod accomplished his dream and his sponsor accomplished his too, but that’s not the main point.

The part that spoke to me was the feeling I got when I watched this man walk away and his destiny called him back. I guess you can think of it in terms of doing what you love to do. When people see that you are good at something, they keep calling to request that you do it again and again. Even though you don’t seem to be getting anything from doing it, you’re not making the money that you want to make or people aren’t giving you the gratitude that you think you deserve, that thing won’t go away. It keeps coming back.

I think until you decide to give your gift without expecting anything in return, you’ll never be satisfied with what you get. I want to give encouragement and wisdom through my website and ain’t nobody advertising with me yet. My website still looks like some old blog but I refuse to let that stop me from giving how I know how to give.

The same ideas keep coming back to me, my love for writing and encouragement, my love for producing great features and coaching people to succes just won’t go away. I won’t wait until someone pays me before I am satisfied in my giving. I’m still going to give and expect that God will take care of the rest.

I love where I am right now, emotionally. I’m at peace with myself. I love who I am and I accept every little thing about me as God’s unique markings of the person He wanted me to be. Who’d have thought that it would take for me to be seperated from every person that I know and love and to be totally living in a wilderness to get here? But I’m glad I’m here. The journey was and is worth it.

My affirmation for today read, “You will make bricks without straw. God will make a way out of no way.” I’m getting better at preparing for success instead of failure because I know the truth and the truth is…you ultimately get whatever you prepare for.

No Disrespect

I’m trying to be there for my friends but I don’t want to be hurt in the process.

I have two friends right now that are having issues with their relationship. They say certain behaviors are unnaceptable and call me to vent/curse/discuss possible solutions. I listen/discuss/suggest but at the end of the day they stay with the dude and it is killin me when I hear the next day, “We’re fine!”

I just heard him call you a bitch and you’re fine! You called me crying and you’re fine! He is doing the number one thing that he KNOWS shows a lack of respect for you and you’re fine!

I mean…maybe I don’t understand cuz I’m not in love and…I don’t know what it’s like to be crazy in love or to have the person you want to be with right there..except….they keep disrespecting you. I don’t know the turmoil it is to have someone who says he loves me and I love him too but he disrespects me consistently. I don’t know that feeling…anymore.

I knew it before. I used to be in it. But that was an ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I couldn’t change him. I couldn’t make it work. I prayed all day and all night for him to be better but he never got better. His disrespect for me got worse and after we had kids it climaxed because he knew that I wouldn’t stand up for myself and no one would stand up for me. He preyed on my fear and I allowed it because I believed his opinion of me since I had not yet learned to see the value in myself.

I ain’t with that shit no more! You get the peace sign at the first sign of disrespect. What am I supposed to do, knowing how much I put up with in the past for the sake of “working it out”? Am I really supposed to teach a man not to disrespect me? Do I have to teach a man to honor me? I ain’t interested in that.

I don’t know what to do because I carry the pain of my friends like it’s my own but honestly…I think I don’t wanna go through it anymore. They ask what would I do in the situation. What would I do? Are you serious? Um…I’m pretty sure I’d walk away from ANY relationship that is disrespectful and doesn’t honor me as a person.

But…I’m not in love like they are… so maybe I don’t know anything.

I don’t know if I ever want to be in love like that again.

Lord, please tell me I won’t have to deal with no shit like that just to have someone by my side. Maybe that’s why you are teaching me how to be satisfied with being alone.

Oh yeah…today is my big day. Please say a prayer for me that God’s will WILL be done. Amen.

Looking Toward The Skyline

I’m on the phone right now listening to my little sister getting cussed out by our parents. They are pissed off with her because she had to move back home because of her husband. I can hear the hurt in their voices and the dissappointment but they are releasing it in anger towards my sister.

I’m sitting here and I’m listening and my heart is hurting because I feel like I am getting cussed out too. My little sister lost her job, her car broke down, her husband left her and then came back and then kicked her out. Not to put her out there, but she is going through. In the midst of going through she has this crazy faith and I am so amazed.

She was able to receive a blessing last week, a random woman she met on one of her job interviews needed a place to stay for a week and my sister opened up her home. When the girl got the job offer she had been waiting for in another city, she gave my sister her car. It’s a nice car too. So not my sister has transportation while she is looking for another job.

It’s crazy because I feel so bad that I can’t help her. I can’t even help myself right now. Listening to my parents cussing took me back to my childhood days. I…I never could take that type of aggressive confrontation. Those negative words seeped into my soul and caused me to hate myself. My sister says it made her stronger but it had the opposite affect on me.

I don’t think of myself as weak. I just don’t have the fighting spirit. I can stand up for myself but not with curse words going back and forth or fist fights. I don’t know how to do any of that. I’m never gonna yell insults back and forth, even in anger I won’t say anything that I think will hurt your feelings because I just can’t demean someone like that intentionally.

Just hearing their tone and their words brings me to a place that I don’t want to be in again. I don’t know why I can’t be like others and fight back in the same manner. All I do is run away. I don’t tolerate it. I leave. It’s all I can do. I’ve been told so many times that I was worthless and no one was ever going to want me and all kind of garbage and now I know that all that was a lie but…their raised voices reduced me to that scared little girl again, just trembling and wishing I could get life right so that they wouldn’t yell at me anymore.

I hate aggression, but I am aggressive sometimes. Only when I have taken it and taken it and taken it and then I explode. But that hasn’t happened this year so far, I’ve simply learned to walk away before I get to the point where I’m boiling over.

I’m still trembling now and I can’t help but to think about the e-mails I receive from readers on a daily basis. I wonder who you guys are talking to. I wonder who you are looking at. I wonder why ya’ll say that I inspire you and encourage you with my life when I have nothing to show for this painful journey so far.

I think I’m having a down moment, please excuse me, you know I’ll be back up again soon but right now..I just wish I could SEE how my life could possibly turn into a success story.

I think I need to remind myself of how Shawna shows up every so often with a bag of groceries for me. That’s a blessing from God.
I need to remind myself how my friend gave me $2,000 for the down payment of my car. That’s God.
I need to remind myself how people are connecting to me all across the country and are praying for me everyday. That’s God.
I need to remind myself that I have been all alone, traveling with no money and no one, yet, I have been safe everyday. That’s God.
I need to remind myself that my sons need me to be strong. I need God.
I need to remind myself that trouble don’t last always. Thanks God.
I need to remind myself that I have friends who love me and HAVE loved me for decades. There’s gotta be something good in me to have earned such great friends. That’s God.

Yeah…I’m okay. I’m better than okay. I’m tearful right now but I have to expect the magnitude of my blessing to equal the depth of my sorrow.

My destiny is just on the other side of the mountain. All I have to do is make it to the top. All I have to do is focus on the skyline and I will get there.

Then…when I pass into that beautiful place where God’s face smiles at me all the time, I’ll forget. I’ll forget all about this day that I am feeling so defeated.

A Story of Triumph

I woke up this morning still a little upset about hearing my stepfather talk so harshly to my little sister. Instead of dwelling on it, I called him at work.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey, What’s up?”

“I was on the phone with Teenie last night and I heard you yelling at her and it hurt my feelings.”

“I wasn’t yelling at her. I was talking to her. She knows why I said what I said.”

“Yeah but when you talk like that, it hurts more than helps. Well, she said she needed to hear all of that to remind her that she needs to get herself together but I want you to know that when you talk to ME like that it has the opposite effect.”

“I know, that’s why I don’t talk to you like that anymore. She knows the whole story you don’t. I told her a long time ago when that man first started that shit, I told her to come home and she didn’t. Now she had to wait until he acted a fool before she came home. I don’t like that.”

“Why did you always talk to me like that when I was young? It made me hate myself.”

“It didn’t. It pushed you to move forward and made you want to be on your own and take care of yourself. Aren’t you doing that?”

“Yeah. Kinda but it took me so long to learn not to value anyone’s opinion above my own.”

“I’m glad you don’t value my opinion,” he said.

“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying if all you say are negative things then how am I supposed to see the good in myself?”

“You know when you’re doing good, why should I have to tell you that? Let me tell you something. When I was growing up, I could come home with all F’s on my report card and my Daddy never said anything. I never had anyone telling me when I was fucking up so I said when I have my kids I would tell them. If you needed more from me, all you had to do was ask. I’m not a mind reader, I had never been a parent before. Sometimes I say things out of self defense too. I’m human. I don’t get everything right. “

“I know. I’m seeing that about myself too.”

It’s weird how we learn our communication styles from our parents. I remember in highschool I was going with this boy named Jay. He was so fine. He looked like LLCool J. All the girls in school were sweating him but they didn’t know what I had to go through. When he got mad because some other guy was talking to me he’d yell and scream. One day I heard his Mama’s boyfriend doing the same thing and I knew where he learned it from.

I used to have the same harsh tones as my parents. My friends would say, “It’s not what you say it’s HOW you say it.”

Over the years I learned to speak more softly and watch my words because the softer you speak, the more people have to pay attention in order to listen. Plus, I was tired of hurting my friends by being so aggressive and direct. I still am direct when I speak but I try to do it in love.

It’s weird that how I come across on my blog is not really how I come across in person. I’m open just like I am on my blog but I am not friendly at all. I am nice to people and cordial but I don’t try to befriend people or pull them into my life. That’s mostly because I know I’m a bit..uh…eccentric and people won’t know how to take that.

I remember Girl7 from Houston and how she told me that sometimes her friends have to explain her personality to people. I laughed when she told me that because my friends have to do the same thing. They say, “Don’t mind her. She means no harm. That’s how she is.”

You won’t believe what happened today. That girl from my old job found someone who was giving away a bed and she got her to deliver it to my apartment. I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight! I’m still a bit nervous because my rent hasn’t been paid yet but I just remember how God is always right on time. I’ve been faithful to look for jobs and since He hasn’t led me to one yet, I know He will make a way.

Whenever I think about my last job and how the paychecks were coming in I get a little discouraged but then I remind myself that God knew what kind of situation that was and He knew enough to give me peace about leaving. Seeking peace in decisions is a funny thing because everything that comes with peace doesn’t look so rosey.

Another blogger sent me a video today and it was a sermon that said, When God closes a door, another one opens, but there’s hell in the hallway! That made me laugh. He also gave a quote from Winston Churchill that said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

I don’t think I’m going through hell, persay. But I am in a place where I don’t know what is about to happen. Since my hands are tied and God is leading the way, I seek peace daily. Remember when I said that yesterday was a big day for me. It was abig day because my rent was due and I had to maintain my faith that God wouldn’t allow me to go back to living in the streets. All day I prayed and reminded myself that God wants us to go from glory to glory. One reader left a comment that I read daily as if it is God speaking to me.

She said:

The journey that you’re on,will reward you(As it did Abraham). God knows the sacrafice and He is preparing you for great things,the journey serves a greater good, and a testimony of his glory. God rewards faithfulness…It will not go unrecognized nor unrewarded. He shall open many doors unto you as you walk in obedience.The enemy will have you to compare your life to your friends, as a way to discourage you. Know, that you are exactly where God will have you to be in this season and you shall reap if you faint not. This blog is a blessing and I encourage you to standfast and keep pressing towards the mark of a high calling. Be Blessed!!!

I love this encouraging word and I try to take it in and hold onto it.

I was talking to Tamara about making faith moves. Those things you do to show God that you believe that He will answer your prayers. I told her to pretend like her prayer is already answered and He has given her what she needs. Do something in the physical to show God that you are expectng your blessing. For Kim, it was buying a welcome mat and pots for her new home. For me, it’s waking up everyday and giving praise, blessing my website and treating it as though it is already worth a million dollars.

I got excited when I started to think about all of the stories I have shared during the good times and the bad. Still, God moved me from glory to glory and my story won’t end here in a state of despair and lack.

I imagine the best for my life. I imagine reaching millions with my story of faith and sacrifice. I won’t give up, so that you won’t give up. My story WILL be a story of triumph even if no one has recognized it yet.

This Yucky Feeling In My Spirit

I spoke with my sons today. They told me that they got their certificates for finishing their swimming lessons. YAY! Two less Black children who fit that old stereotype. Now I need to learn and maybe I’ll get on a boat sometime in my life.

I also finally posted the engagement story on my website. Check it out. I hope you like it.

Now…to the real deal.

Why am I blogging so late? It’s cuz I can’t get any rest in my heart. No, it’s not about my income or my cluelessness about my direction in life, I really think something is going on with me and I have to write about it so I can figure it out. For the first time since I’ve been a blogger I wish my blog wasn’t so public but since this is how I understand myself…here goes.

I feel like maybe I’m going back to my old ways of college. In college after I had my kids, I would sit in the house day in and day out and never do anything but write and talk on the phone to my friends. I didn’t interact socially with anyone outside of church and I was doing the “no dating” thing and it was all good for me.

But once I graduated and got a job in the “real world” I couldn’t handle the social atmosphere because men were looking at me and talking to me and I was so used to just being by myself with my kids that it scared me. Today when the old co worker chick came to deliver my bed, she brought two men with her and I almost flipped out. I was so uncomfortable. For one, I had on these teeny tiny shorts that I only wear in the house or when I’m going to the store and I HATE wearing things like that around men. For two..I keep thinking about Tamara and how she suggests that I watch my remarks and personality when I’m around people because I give off a vibe that suggests I’m..uh…OPEN, I guess. Easy maybe? I don’t really know what vibe she’s talking about so I will ask her later.

I guess I just talk to them like I talk to my friends. I talk to EVERYONE like I talk to my friends and that’s not such a good thing all the time. I guess.

The problem is..now I’m kinda freaked out by my interaction with them. In fact, I’m thinking of not going outside for a couple weeks until I calm down. To avoid the questions and looks of wonder and dissappointment when people ask me to tell them about myself, I’d rather just be alone. Everyone thinks I’m crazy and it’s not like I can make up another story to tell about my life.

Where do you work?
How do you pay your bills?
You have kids, where are they?
Do you have any friends here?
Do you have any family here?
Why are you here?

First conversations with strangers are not easy at all, as you can see. And it’s funny because I don’t question people about their lives like that. The one question I always ask is, “What’s your dream?” Cuz in my mind, if I know someone I can connect them with, I want to do that.

A friend of mine called me today all excited because she met this man who had such a great house and is so fine. While she talked all I could do was listen and think, “I wonder what trick he has up his sleeve. How will he hurt her?”

I hate this realization because I feel like I’ve come so far with my self esteem, developing my journalism skills and my faith in God. Maybe God is trying to break me in different areas so He keeps bringing things I need to work on to the surface. I’m sad because…I don’t want to be back to where I was in college. Once I tried to talk on the phone with a man and it felt so wrong that I hung up on him.

Today Tamara and I were discussing her relationship and how she is getting through her fears and she said, “Tee, I can’t wait until I can call you and ask you about your boyfriend and hear the stories you’ll have to tell. You’re gonna be like, ‘David bought me this today…’ And I’m gonna say, ‘For real. AJ needs to step up his game.”

I tried to laugh in eager anticipation of that day but I couldn’t. It scared me because she believes that and I really hope I don’t dissappointment her. That shit seems so foreign to me its scary. I’ve been writing this blog for so many years and the one thing that hasn’t changed is my fear that every man will think I’m weird and won’t appreciate me for being who I am.

Who am I?

I write this blog. I’m open like that. I don’t have many secrets. I don’t hate my bbdd although he acts like he hates me. I have two kids who don’t live with me right now because I can’t seem to find a place of employment that is a good fit for me. I’m 5’1″ and I’m a hopeless romantic when it comes to other people’s relationships. I crave affection and attention. I love to dream for others and I take joy in seeing other people find happiness. More often than not, I pray and believe the best for my friends lives before I pray and believe the best for my own.

With the exception of my blog, which I treat like my private journal, I am afraid to reveal who I am to people that I meet. I never discuss my personal life with them unless they ask. Even then I HATE to answer those type of questions because I know they are not going to understand.

I hope this is God trying to bring this issue to the forefront so that He can help me to deal with it. I have enough issues to deal with right now and I don’t need this one too. I don’t like to feel afraid to tell people who I am and what I stand for. I can’t even cling to my friends because they are not here.

God, you know I’m trying to rush and be better for my children. I just wanna take care of them. I just want to impart into their lives again. How come nothing is turning out right?