I woke up this morning still a little upset about hearing my stepfather talk so harshly to my little sister. Instead of dwelling on it, I called him at work.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, What’s up?”
“I was on the phone with Teenie last night and I heard you yelling at her and it hurt my feelings.”
“I wasn’t yelling at her. I was talking to her. She knows why I said what I said.”
“Yeah but when you talk like that, it hurts more than helps. Well, she said she needed to hear all of that to remind her that she needs to get herself together but I want you to know that when you talk to ME like that it has the opposite effect.”
“I know, that’s why I don’t talk to you like that anymore. She knows the whole story you don’t. I told her a long time ago when that man first started that shit, I told her to come home and she didn’t. Now she had to wait until he acted a fool before she came home. I don’t like that.”
“Why did you always talk to me like that when I was young? It made me hate myself.”
“It didn’t. It pushed you to move forward and made you want to be on your own and take care of yourself. Aren’t you doing that?”
“Yeah. Kinda but it took me so long to learn not to value anyone’s opinion above my own.”
“I’m glad you don’t value my opinion,” he said.
“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying if all you say are negative things then how am I supposed to see the good in myself?”
“You know when you’re doing good, why should I have to tell you that? Let me tell you something. When I was growing up, I could come home with all F’s on my report card and my Daddy never said anything. I never had anyone telling me when I was fucking up so I said when I have my kids I would tell them. If you needed more from me, all you had to do was ask. I’m not a mind reader, I had never been a parent before. Sometimes I say things out of self defense too. I’m human. I don’t get everything right. “
“I know. I’m seeing that about myself too.”
It’s weird how we learn our communication styles from our parents. I remember in highschool I was going with this boy named Jay. He was so fine. He looked like LLCool J. All the girls in school were sweating him but they didn’t know what I had to go through. When he got mad because some other guy was talking to me he’d yell and scream. One day I heard his Mama’s boyfriend doing the same thing and I knew where he learned it from.
I used to have the same harsh tones as my parents. My friends would say, “It’s not what you say it’s HOW you say it.”
Over the years I learned to speak more softly and watch my words because the softer you speak, the more people have to pay attention in order to listen. Plus, I was tired of hurting my friends by being so aggressive and direct. I still am direct when I speak but I try to do it in love.
It’s weird that how I come across on my blog is not really how I come across in person. I’m open just like I am on my blog but I am not friendly at all. I am nice to people and cordial but I don’t try to befriend people or pull them into my life. That’s mostly because I know I’m a bit..uh…eccentric and people won’t know how to take that.
I remember Girl7 from Houston and how she told me that sometimes her friends have to explain her personality to people. I laughed when she told me that because my friends have to do the same thing. They say, “Don’t mind her. She means no harm. That’s how she is.”
You won’t believe what happened today. That girl from my old job found someone who was giving away a bed and she got her to deliver it to my apartment. I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight! I’m still a bit nervous because my rent hasn’t been paid yet but I just remember how God is always right on time. I’ve been faithful to look for jobs and since He hasn’t led me to one yet, I know He will make a way.
Whenever I think about my last job and how the paychecks were coming in I get a little discouraged but then I remind myself that God knew what kind of situation that was and He knew enough to give me peace about leaving. Seeking peace in decisions is a funny thing because everything that comes with peace doesn’t look so rosey.
Another blogger sent me a video today and it was a sermon that said, When God closes a door, another one opens, but there’s hell in the hallway! That made me laugh. He also gave a quote from Winston Churchill that said, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
I don’t think I’m going through hell, persay. But I am in a place where I don’t know what is about to happen. Since my hands are tied and God is leading the way, I seek peace daily. Remember when I said that yesterday was a big day for me. It was abig day because my rent was due and I had to maintain my faith that God wouldn’t allow me to go back to living in the streets. All day I prayed and reminded myself that God wants us to go from glory to glory. One reader left a comment that I read daily as if it is God speaking to me.
She said:
The journey that you’re on,will reward you(As it did Abraham). God knows the sacrafice and He is preparing you for great things,the journey serves a greater good, and a testimony of his glory. God rewards faithfulness…It will not go unrecognized nor unrewarded. He shall open many doors unto you as you walk in obedience.The enemy will have you to compare your life to your friends, as a way to discourage you. Know, that you are exactly where God will have you to be in this season and you shall reap if you faint not. This blog is a blessing and I encourage you to standfast and keep pressing towards the mark of a high calling. Be Blessed!!!
I love this encouraging word and I try to take it in and hold onto it.
I was talking to Tamara about making faith moves. Those things you do to show God that you believe that He will answer your prayers. I told her to pretend like her prayer is already answered and He has given her what she needs. Do something in the physical to show God that you are expectng your blessing. For Kim, it was buying a welcome mat and pots for her new home. For me, it’s waking up everyday and giving praise, blessing my website and treating it as though it is already worth a million dollars.
I got excited when I started to think about all of the stories I have shared during the good times and the bad. Still, God moved me from glory to glory and my story won’t end here in a state of despair and lack.
I imagine the best for my life. I imagine reaching millions with my story of faith and sacrifice. I won’t give up, so that you won’t give up. My story WILL be a story of triumph even if no one has recognized it yet.