This Yucky Feeling In My Spirit

I spoke with my sons today. They told me that they got their certificates for finishing their swimming lessons. YAY! Two less Black children who fit that old stereotype. Now I need to learn and maybe I’ll get on a boat sometime in my life.

I also finally posted the engagement story on my website. Check it out. I hope you like it.

Now…to the real deal.

Why am I blogging so late? It’s cuz I can’t get any rest in my heart. No, it’s not about my income or my cluelessness about my direction in life, I really think something is going on with me and I have to write about it so I can figure it out. For the first time since I’ve been a blogger I wish my blog wasn’t so public but since this is how I understand myself…here goes.

I feel like maybe I’m going back to my old ways of college. In college after I had my kids, I would sit in the house day in and day out and never do anything but write and talk on the phone to my friends. I didn’t interact socially with anyone outside of church and I was doing the “no dating” thing and it was all good for me.

But once I graduated and got a job in the “real world” I couldn’t handle the social atmosphere because men were looking at me and talking to me and I was so used to just being by myself with my kids that it scared me. Today when the old co worker chick came to deliver my bed, she brought two men with her and I almost flipped out. I was so uncomfortable. For one, I had on these teeny tiny shorts that I only wear in the house or when I’m going to the store and I HATE wearing things like that around men. For two..I keep thinking about Tamara and how she suggests that I watch my remarks and personality when I’m around people because I give off a vibe that suggests I’m..uh…OPEN, I guess. Easy maybe? I don’t really know what vibe she’s talking about so I will ask her later.

I guess I just talk to them like I talk to my friends. I talk to EVERYONE like I talk to my friends and that’s not such a good thing all the time. I guess.

The problem I’m kinda freaked out by my interaction with them. In fact, I’m thinking of not going outside for a couple weeks until I calm down. To avoid the questions and looks of wonder and dissappointment when people ask me to tell them about myself, I’d rather just be alone. Everyone thinks I’m crazy and it’s not like I can make up another story to tell about my life.

Where do you work?
How do you pay your bills?
You have kids, where are they?
Do you have any friends here?
Do you have any family here?
Why are you here?

First conversations with strangers are not easy at all, as you can see. And it’s funny because I don’t question people about their lives like that. The one question I always ask is, “What’s your dream?” Cuz in my mind, if I know someone I can connect them with, I want to do that.

A friend of mine called me today all excited because she met this man who had such a great house and is so fine. While she talked all I could do was listen and think, “I wonder what trick he has up his sleeve. How will he hurt her?”

I hate this realization because I feel like I’ve come so far with my self esteem, developing my journalism skills and my faith in God. Maybe God is trying to break me in different areas so He keeps bringing things I need to work on to the surface. I’m sad because…I don’t want to be back to where I was in college. Once I tried to talk on the phone with a man and it felt so wrong that I hung up on him.

Today Tamara and I were discussing her relationship and how she is getting through her fears and she said, “Tee, I can’t wait until I can call you and ask you about your boyfriend and hear the stories you’ll have to tell. You’re gonna be like, ‘David bought me this today…’ And I’m gonna say, ‘For real. AJ needs to step up his game.”

I tried to laugh in eager anticipation of that day but I couldn’t. It scared me because she believes that and I really hope I don’t dissappointment her. That shit seems so foreign to me its scary. I’ve been writing this blog for so many years and the one thing that hasn’t changed is my fear that every man will think I’m weird and won’t appreciate me for being who I am.

Who am I?

I write this blog. I’m open like that. I don’t have many secrets. I don’t hate my bbdd although he acts like he hates me. I have two kids who don’t live with me right now because I can’t seem to find a place of employment that is a good fit for me. I’m 5’1″ and I’m a hopeless romantic when it comes to other people’s relationships. I crave affection and attention. I love to dream for others and I take joy in seeing other people find happiness. More often than not, I pray and believe the best for my friends lives before I pray and believe the best for my own.

With the exception of my blog, which I treat like my private journal, I am afraid to reveal who I am to people that I meet. I never discuss my personal life with them unless they ask. Even then I HATE to answer those type of questions because I know they are not going to understand.

I hope this is God trying to bring this issue to the forefront so that He can help me to deal with it. I have enough issues to deal with right now and I don’t need this one too. I don’t like to feel afraid to tell people who I am and what I stand for. I can’t even cling to my friends because they are not here.

God, you know I’m trying to rush and be better for my children. I just wanna take care of them. I just want to impart into their lives again. How come nothing is turning out right?