Author: TPatterson

Wow. I just realized that things usually come easy to me, well everything except math.

Opportunities just present themselves and I grab ahold and run with it. This is not one of those times.

I usually blow interviews out of the water. With just my passion and confidence in myself, I can make someone believe in my dreams. People have unshakeable faith in me. For some reason, the publisher of the newspaper is still undecided about hiring me.

My friend Hansen, who is a staff writer there already, called me after their weekly meeting tonight and told me that she is so impressed by me. He said she thinks that I am so pretty and I am so personable and that she said,”She could probably sell anything to a white man.”

He said she is just a hair away from hiring me and she needs something to push her over the edge. She also mentioned that the salary we negotiated is far off from what she would normally pay someone. Hansen said she really wants me there but even in the worst case scenario I am guaranteed my own column and an opportunity to help develop the Faith and Family section of the newspaper. He said those are already done deals even if I am not hired full-time.

I can work somewhere else and still write my column and encourage ppl in their faith, THAT is amazing on its own, but I want the big prize; I want to be her personal assistant. To sit right next to one of Miami’s leaders and learn, learn, learn. TO be shaped into an all around communicating wiz. To develop contacts and build trust and friendships with all the right people and eventually be able to make a difference through my influence.

God didnt give me this cute face and this sparkling personality for nothing.

I’m about to pull out all my cards to make it happen, and I ain’t playin’.

Confession

You ready?

I guess since I’m leaving Gainesville I can fess up to the fact that I have a crush. I’m only calling it a crush because I’m confused right now. I thought I had heard from God but you know that can be difficult at times. He goes to my church but I dont know him well. In fact when I see him it’s like Alicia Keyes, “You don’t know my name”

I played the game how I was taught to play it. My Pastor taught me that I could charm this young man into liking me and possibly end up marrying him, but if I waited and allowed God to move on His own and bring this young man when it was time, then I could be sure that it was God and not my own efforts and I would never doubt him as God’s choice for me.

So I was obedient. I rarely spoke to him. We never became friends. I tried really hard NOT to let him see the majesty that is in me. I stayed far away. Now that I’m leaving, I kinda regret that. He seemed like he was a cool person. Like someone who would have been my friend. Well, thats the way things go in my church so…

At the time Pastor’s advice made perfect sense because now I can see why people cheat and continue to look at other people even though they have someone. They never got that confirming word from God so they are always wondering if this is the best person for them. They used so many tricks and lies to get the person that they dont know if the person will truly like them for them.

I want to know that I know that I know that my husband is the best God had for me. I dont want it to be because of my ridiculously stunning legs or my winning smile, I want it to be the word of the Lord and I want him to be in love with me too.

Today my heart is heavy because I am leaving this guy behind. But I trust that if this was really God placing him on my heart then it will come to pass. If not then I am at a point where I can accept a no and be excited because God could have someone even better for me.

But I dont know. True love has always been a fantasy to me. Really farfetched. I have more faith that I will win a Pulitzer Prize than I have that I will get married. Having someone accept me and love me would be the greatest thing but… I dont know. Is it really possible for someone to look at me and just…adore me?

Ok. Calm down girl.

Yeah Im going through a bit of anxiety today. I signed my resignation papers which makes it official; I quit my job.

I do believe it is time for me to move on. I do believe I am doing the right thing for me and my family. I have complete peace about that, but let me tell you it’s not easy stepping out on faith.

Yes, I quit my job without having another one lined up. That sounds crazy but I know this is the right time. Daycare was about to increase by $900 a month, student loans are about to pop off in 2 months. If I stayed I would have been stuck in this job that I hated just because I have bills to pay. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

I dont want to be obligated to this town or this job when I am unhappy here. I am so grateful for the support of my family. My mama is a lifesaver and my baby daddy know he has flipped the script. I almost told that nicca I loved him the other day. Not that romantic love, but that “I can really see you got my back” type of love.

I made my move and I’m expecting God to direct me. I realize I’m putting all of my eggs in one basket by hoping for this one specific job. God may be trying to bless me in a totally different way. Now dont think Im not still out there looking for other jobs; Im not stupid. But from right here, that position at the paper is the best thing I can see, not the pay, just the opportunity it represents. But maybe God wants to blow my mind.

Maybe that’s why the publisher hasn’t called me yet. Maybe God has a different plan but I’m so stuck on this one because that’s the best my natural eyes can see.

I dont know. Do you know?

I’m FREE!

Man! It feels so good to go to work these days knowing my time there is almost up. I be relaxin, not stressed and looking forward to my last day which is next Wednesday.

Remember the movie Sarafina? That’s my theme song!

“Freedom is coming TOMORROW!”

Ahhh! Free from the bondage of Medical Research. Free from feeling like something is wrong with me because I can’t get my feelings to line up with how my Pastor wants me to feel about the church.

It’s going to take some healing I know, to be free from feeling like I have to please men in order to go to heaven.

Last time God spoke to me, HIMSELF, I asked Him, “Lord, I have all these dreams in my heart but I don’t know how I will accomplish them because they’re so big.” Immediately I heard in my spirit, “I will guide you.”

I trust him to do just that. I’m in the running for some guidance and direction and I trust that God has my back and my front because in all of my decisions I strongly consider Him and ask for His counsel. He wont allow me to mess up.

Oooh, this song just wont get out of my head.

Trivia: Who was the best R&B/rap duo to make a love song?

Yeah you got it? Mary J and Method Man’s ‘You’re All I Need’

Singing~

You’re ALLLL I NEEEEED, to get by-ighhhhh

You’re ALLLL I NEEEEED, to get by-ighhhhh

Shorty, im there for you anytime you need me

For real girl, it’s me in your world, believe me

Nothing makes a man feel better than a woman

Queen with a crown that be down for whatever…

God is all I need to get by-ighhhhh.

WELCOME to all of the new bloggers out there.

I have such wonderful friends with interesting lives that I encouraged a few to start their own blogs and they did.

Check them out in my friends list.

I want to share with you all how to get your blog hooked up.

Now I dont know much but I do know enough to get you started.

You can get your own blog by going to www.blogger.com

Once you set up your blog and write your first entry you’re now officially a blogger.

You should begin by looking at other blogs to see what styles you like and what accessories you want to add to your own blog.

Go to blogsearchengine.com and register your blog. This is a directory of blogs that you should belong to so random people can find you. If you only want your friends to find you then dont register on there, just give your blog addy to your friends.

You can also use this site to browse other blogs and see what’s hot.

Next you might decide that you want to add links or something and you realize you have no idea how to do that. School time: You have to learn html codes or just visit this site for a cheat sheet: HTML Cheat Sheet

You also want to check out Lisa Explains It All It is a great html tutorial for kids or ppl who are new to html like us.

To add a link you have to go to your template and find the sidebar and then paste the html code for links: Visit Lisa’s Tips. Replace the bold text with the correct information.

One of the fun accessories that I found is IMOOD.COM Its a mood indicator that you can change everyday according to your mood. You can put the indicator on your web page to show everyone how you’re feeling.

To add comments to your page, which most people love to do as a form of interaction, go to Haloscan.com and follow the instructions.

The design template of your blog is called a BLOG SKIN. There are ppl who design blog skins for you to download and use. Take a minute and browse Blogskins.com to see all of the different templates you can download and use to decorate your blog.

If you want to add your own images you need web space. You can go to Yahoo Photos and create an online album. Once your pictures are stored here you can add them to your website as you wish. A better option is going to Geocities and creating a photo page there to store your photos.

You probably can’t do all of this in one day. It will take time to develop your own style and figure out what makes your blog unique.

This is not easy at all but it becomes more fun as you learn more and since there are no tests, it’s STRESS FREE!

I think I put you off to a good start, the rest you learn as you go.

Good Luck!

I could never understand why I loved my church so much and why I felt so joined to my Pastor but not the “family” that they have there.

I always thought I was being obstinate and being judgemental and stuck up because I really wasn’t feeling any of the women there on a social level. As time went on my feelings remained the same. I knew there was something different about me. I knew I didnt fit in. But I just looked at my life and realized that there were several instances where this happened and usually it was those times when I felt like I was socially obligated, like with my sorority.

Now I absolutely adore my sorority sisters. The majority of my friends are women I met through my sorority but when I was back in it, I felt so distant from them because I didnt feel like I had chosen them as friends, I felt obligated to hang out and this irritated me. Mimi, who is also my sorority sister once told me that I like to define my relationships, meaning I like to determine how close I am to someone. Once I had outgrown my duties to my sorority, I got to know my sisters individually and by choice and it amazed me what wonderful women they were and how much we really had in common. I couldnt see that before because I was fighting against the feeling of being OBLIGATED to be friends. I began to love them and feel joined to them because of our commitment as sisters and my genuine love for who they were.

So I figured as time went on the same would happen for the ppl at my church. It didn’t. In fact I felt more and more pressure to drop my friends and make new ones at my church. Like my own friends weren’t good enough to please my Pastor. My Pastor even picked out a girl for me to be friends with. I would call her because he asked me to. I just did it out of obedience. I never grew to be interested in her at all and I felt like something was wrong with me because of that. Like I’m some kind of evil person because I wasnt interested in hanging out with her. I wanted so badly to show him that I was submissive but my heart wasn’t really in it. I ended up hurting that girls feelings one day when she came over without calling me and I didnt even answer the door.

I’m sitting here trying to sort out the feelings in my heart because sometimes I wonder if I am making excuses not to take the hard road and stay up here in Gainesville. I just want to be right by God. But then I think of how being here makes me feel. Well, how being in my church makes me feel. The word is sooo good, it’s GREAT! But I feel like I dont have control over my own life. I feel like I’m constantly trying to prove myself to my Pastors and that they are never pleased with me.

I feel like I am being asked to choose them over my own friends and family. Like there is not enough room for both sets of people. Being told that I’m “fresh off the altar” over and over again and treated like I can’t do anything by myself doesnt help. As much as I have to offer, I guess my Pastors don’t think I’m worthy to even serve in the church. All I wanted to do was get involved and feel like I have a place, like I have some value.

It’s very easy for me to walk away from my church because I’m not walking away from any responsibilities. I’m not walking away from any friends. I’m not walking away from anything except the best word and wisdom I’ve ever heard in my life and a feeling of extreme bondage and never being quite right for the crowd.

It’s sad but I was sitting here this whole time thinking that my destiny was tied to this church and my Pastor. That if I tried hard and did everything he said eventually he would be satisfied with me and say that I’m worthy to serve in his ministry. I was waiting on him to tell me what I needed to do to jumpstart my career. I felt like by maybe one day helping to make his vision come to pass, I would achieve my vision for my life.

I know my Pastor loves me. He has to or else he wouldnt have put so much time into talking to me and ministering to me. I just wish he would have shown it a little more by acknowledging my growth. Everytime I got a call from him I was afraid because Pastors don’t call you for anything good. I just knew I had messed up and he was about to correct me.

I came to feel like my Pastor was there only to correct me. I even asked him one time if he was there to challenge me and he said that when God is shaping his child, once he gets one part right He doesnt sit there and admire that part all day, He moves onto the next rough part and that is what he was doing with me. But once, just once, i would have liked to hear, “Good job.”

My covenant group leaders would tell me that my Pastor loved me so much and I was shocked. He never showed that side to me and I couldnt imagine what he could be saying about me that was good. He only took time out to guide me and correct me, never celebrating me.

Again, I associated criticism and guidance with love. That’s how it has always been with me and men. Those who say they love me the most somehow assume the role of shaping me into who they think I should be. I try to sit and be that clay, loosen myself to their touch, but I never come out right and they never quit working on me.

I dont blame my Pastor or my church for what happened. I just thank God for waking me up before I got worse. I was totally looking to my Pastors for affirmation, which I never got and it made me feel very unsuccessful. I felt like they were the drivers in my destiny and I could not accomplish anything until they thought I was ready.

That hurts me. Am I to constantly sit and fret over what they are thinking of me? Am I to constantly wonder when my Pastor would think I was worthy enough to serve in his ministry or when he would direct me to become the writer and leader that I know I am?

I know this all sounds crazy but for the past two years this is the life I have lived at my church. A life of fear of not being good enough for them. A life of self condemnation because I could not feel joined to the people at my church. A life of self doubt, thinking that I must not be as talented as I think I am or else my Pastor would want me to serve. I havent made any progress in my Pastors eyes because if its not one thing, it’s something else I need to work on.

I felt like a loser the whole time. Like everyone else is “getting it” but I’m not and something must be wrong with me. My head is so messed up right now. I never thought I would feel like this.

Well, one thing I have just learned. Since Holy Spirit resides in me, my feelings of not being joined and not feeling comfortable shouldnt automatically be branded as THE ENEMY. It very well could be God making His move and pushing me out of this situation and into the place where He wants me to grow.

I’m still learning and I pray to God that He will help me to move on.

Venting is always refreshing but REJOICING is always better!

I got a little down today when I realized that God is showing me some wrong decisions that I made but I know that I’m getting back on track and I can’t allow myself to fall into condemnation because I was doing things with the best of intentions and my heart was right.

So, things went way wrong in my church, that’s okay. I just wanted more from God and I believed that was where I would get it. It’s nothing to fall out about. Sometimes things don’t go as you plan them and as long as you try again, you’re right where God wants you to be. I do appreciate all that I have learned in the past two years. There are some foundational truths that will stay with me always and some other beliefs that I hope to be freed from soon.

I met some great people like my Pastor and my covenant group leaders and a few others who were bold enough to be honest about their walk with God. I really appreciate the brothers at my church. Man, you know that funny feeling you get when you visit a church? You know, when you can tell the guys are checking you out and putting on a show to get you to become attracted to them? Well, when I went to church I could totally relax and not worry at all about any of the guys there trying to holla at me. And its not cuz Im ugly, cuz Im not. It’s because (I hope) they saw me as a sister in Christ and they didnt want to disrespect me.

I am really going to miss that feeling of being free with guys without worrying about them trying to hit.

I’m getting excited because Ruby is officially out of here which means my turn is next. In three days I will be done with my job (no I still dont have another one lined up I just gotta have faith) and I start packing up my apartment to return to the MIA.

You know, sometimes all it takes is a solid decision to do something before you are set free. Sometimes you want to make a move but your thoughts are consumed by what everyone else’s opinion will be that you can’t see the answer staring you in the face. You will sit idly by watching everyone else accomplish their vision and wonder what happened to yours.

Don’t do that. Go for yours. Don’t be scurred. God’s got your back. Even if you make a mistake, which you probably won’t if you are considering God in all your decisions and asking for His direction, God is well able to re-direct you. One mistake will not totally derail His plan for your life.

I realized that my mind set was all wrong about a lot of things. I have to be faithful to get my mind right again, through the renewing of my mind uninterrupted by the opinions of others.

You have YOUR life to live, not someone else’s. YOUR vision to carry, not someone else’s.

MAKE IT HAPPEN.

My sons hurt my feelings tonight.

I was on the phone listening to the latest chapter in Tamara’s dating saga when I smelled something funny. I turned around and my boys had gotten into my makeup stash, the stuff I keep around just in case other girls need some emergency fix-up. They had poured out lotions and liquid foundation ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR.

When they saw my face they BOLTED into their bedroom, screaming all the way.

I walked calmly behind them and stood over the bed where they sat hiding beneath the covers, cowering and crying. I placed both hands on my hips and just glared at them which made them cry even harder while my son apologized over and over.

They were screaming like I was Medusa or something. I wondered what they were screaming like that for since I hadnt even spanked their butts yet. They looked so terrified that my feelings were hurt.

I’m not a monster. I dont kill them everytime they do something wrong but these boys fear me like no one else. They hate to dissappoint me. Sometimes when my older son Sai is acting up I will just lean over and whisper, “You’re disappointing me Sai.” and he will start crying and apologizing and that will be that.

I dont even have to touch them but dang it makes me feel like a brute sometimes the way they are so afraid of me. I’m a gentle loving lamb with oodles of cuddles and kisses.

I’m not mean.

I can’t sleep so you get a story. Lucky you.

When I was in Miami last I told you all about my job hunt and my being blessed with a new car, but I didnt mention the other reason why I went down there; my grandmother’s funeral

So you all know my biological father’s name is Russell and I dont know him well but I dont hate him anymore, he’s just a little weird to me. It’s like going to McDonald’s and someone pointing at the cashier and saying, “This is your father, now go and learn to love him.” Plus I think he’s weird so it’s like, ughh. I thought my daddy would be cooler than that.

They left on Friday for the funeral which was held in Clewiston Florida. I didnt go because I didnt want to spend my Friday night preparing for a funeral when I could be hanging out in Miami with Anna.

I drove up there on Saturday and arrived just as the funeral started. It was weird sitting there with all of these ppl that I didnt know, at the lowest point in their lives. And Russell’s mom who had died, I had never even met her before. So during the funeral Im sitting there and my mind is going crazy watching my brothers cry and Russell cry and feeling like, “what have I gotten myself into.”

During the funeral I started thinking about all of the changes that have been made in my life. All of the “deaths” of the past like Ruby moving away and Mimi getting married and Racole going to California and me finishing school and moving back to Miami. Nothing is the same anymore and I’m uncertain what the future will bring and that makes me very nervous.

So I’m in the funeral crying over my life’s “deaths” while everyone else is crying because they miss my grandmother.

After the funeral I realize just how off the chain they all are. Now these are my blood relatives and i’m standing there like, “Okkkk.”

They all stand in front of the casket to take pictures. Well, I havent been to a funeral in over 12 years but that seems so weird to me.

The amazing thing that blew my mind was that everyone there looked like me. In my Mama’s family, only she and I look alike, but in Russell’s family, they are all light skinned with round noses and some even have my green eyes. One little boy named Brandon, who turned out to be my cousin, looks EXACTLY like me. I was amazed but they weren’t. All of the girl cousins and everyone kept looking me up and down and saying, “Yep, she’s one of us.” which didn’t sit too right with me because I didn’t know if I actually wanted that label.

But overall they were like any other black family, lots of kids and old men drinking, old aunties making sexual jokes like they havent gone through menopause yet. I left that same afternoon with my sister Virtress. I dont think we look alike but everyone else does. She seems like a very sweet girl but I’m anticipating the typical sister-type relationship that I have with my lil sister Teenie and my friend Anna.

I came back to Miami dead tired and emotionally exhausted so I couldnt even go out on Saturday night. I just went to sleep.

Maybe after all this writing I can do the same now. I’ve been so exhausted from work although I dont do anything physical. I was in the bed by 9pm tonight, knocked out until I had a dream that I was being brainwashed by a cult and I couldnt run.

Most everyone is nervous for me about moving to Miami with no job. Well, all my guy friends are. My baby daddy isn’t, at least he hasn’t mentioned it to me. I think Russell is nervous too, asking me if I had to rush and move like that.

I did. I saw my financial situation getting tighter and I had to make that move now, or else I would have been bound to this job that I have to make myself go to everyday.

My friend Rick advised me to MAKE myself like my job. He hates his job but he’s almost making six figures and he doesn’t think that liking your job is important if you are able to provide for your family. I think this comes from being brought up poor and vowing to never do that to yourself or your children. Most men I know who grew up without their wants are adamant about making paper. I think that’s why my baby daddy has 3 degrees and practices law; he knew he could make some cheese.

But I believe if you have a passion for something, you can make some money by doing it, but I realize that you have to have some support. Not just verbal support, financial support. So when my sons are older I promise to be financially stable enough so that they can do what they WANT to do in life, not just have to work because they have to pay the bills. I am going to build an inheritance for them, spiritually and financially. I dont want them to go through what I have gone through having to be miserable in the workplace and in bondage because they have bills to pay.

Yeah, I’m changing my children’s future by my choices today. I choose to be receive salvation. I choose to walk in my annointing. I choose to listen to the gentle urging of the Holy Spirit as He directs me even if ppl dont agree.

You know how I know God told me to move? I have peace about it. When I think about staying here I have anxiety and feel pressured and depressed. The only reason I considered staying was because I didnt want to displease my Pastor. Thats not good enough.

I’m so glad I woke up. All of this pressure about the “family” of God being only here at this church was a weight on my shoulders since in my heart I didnt agree. I felt like something was really wrong with me because i wasnt going along with the group. I was told that my heart was “wicked” and “disgusting” when I said I just wasn’t feeling interested in getting to know these ppl like that.

I think I was supposed to be scared into staying. It almost worked too.

Almost.

After taking a breather and looking past my emotions to what I truly believe I must apologize for getting carried away about my church but my feelings are valid and still true to my heart.

I am an extremist, which means for me there is no gray area, only black and white. When I find something that I believe I am dogmatic about it to the point that I allow it to rule my life and I feel worthless if I can’t stick to it. That is why my walk with God has been so rough. I believe Jesus Christ died for me and I believe He came to atone for the sin of the world so that we may be free from sin. We are not bound to sin. But one thing I’m missing is grace. Since I know that we are not bound to sin, if I commit ANY kind of sin or dont follow the WORD to the letter, I think that I am going to miss out on every blessing ever promised to me, FOR LIFE. Yeah I know, thats extreme, but that’s how I am.

So I find a church home with AMAZING word and lots of people who look like they love each other and a systematic way of doing things. Like the extremist that I am, I don’t leave room for error and I grab hold to what they are saying and try to fashion myself to become everything that they say I should be. My heart is after God and I want to please Him and I feel that by obeying them I please Him. When everything doesn’t line up the way I feel it should, like not being able to experience what my Pastor says I should feel about family I go into self-condemnation and depression.

There are a lot of great things going on there and I never gave myself room for error in that this church may not be the place for me. I felt like God sent me there and these people look happy so I should be able to conform to whatever they are teaching and be like them. Since I couldnt get my feelings where I thought they should be, I felt like I was disappointing God.

The crazy thing is, I realize my part in the madness. I was too eager. Too obedient. I didnt look at my Pastors as people, but as keyholders to my future. I gave everything in me over to them for their guidance; my hopes, my fears, my insecurites and my faults. They worked with me as best as they could. They loved on me as best as they could but I still wasn’t feeling like I thought I should be feeling and I felt like I was a dissappointment to them and to God.

While everyone in my town has something to say about my church, from what I see, the ppl there want to be there. They experience joy, family, abundance and pleasure from serving in the house of God. I havent heard of anyone who feels the way I do because if they did they would have left. Why couldnt I just stand up and say, “Naw, this doesnt feel right, let me bounce.” and be done with it? I felt like I was a failure because things didnt work out, but things dont work out 100% of the time.

The ability to acknowledge your mistake and make the move to correct it is the important thing. In this walk with Christ we always want God to direct us and we try to become better at discerning whether it is Him or its just our desires. There is room for confusion in this walk. There is room for mistakes. God allows us a couple of ‘Oops’ even when people like me don’t allow them for ourselves.

The hurt, the perception, the madness all started in MY HEAD. Yeah, I’m sure there are some things that could be changed about the church, but the same could be said about any church.

The root of it all is recognizing the good in it. Even if I didn’t seem to fit in, I have to recognize the God in it. I recognize God in my church, the heailing word, the accessibility to Pastors. Where else am I going to find that? Most Pastors are too busy to sit down and talk with a member about their personal issues.

Dang, as much as I felt like I wasn’t a part of the family. I realize that I am going to miss it. So here I go, off to Miami to start all over again. I hope I find a church that’s willing to work with a nutcase like me. Cuz here, they embraced me like I was their child and dealt with my insanity and broken heart and depression like it was their own issue.

These people loved me like God would love me. They showed the heart of God by accepting me and embracing me.

I’m very thankful for that. Thank you Lord for showing me what I gained instead of what I didnt get right.

Here’s a good analysis of how I deal in relationships?