I can’t sleep so you get a story. Lucky you.

When I was in Miami last I told you all about my job hunt and my being blessed with a new car, but I didnt mention the other reason why I went down there; my grandmother’s funeral

So you all know my biological father’s name is Russell and I dont know him well but I dont hate him anymore, he’s just a little weird to me. It’s like going to McDonald’s and someone pointing at the cashier and saying, “This is your father, now go and learn to love him.” Plus I think he’s weird so it’s like, ughh. I thought my daddy would be cooler than that.

They left on Friday for the funeral which was held in Clewiston Florida. I didnt go because I didnt want to spend my Friday night preparing for a funeral when I could be hanging out in Miami with Anna.

I drove up there on Saturday and arrived just as the funeral started. It was weird sitting there with all of these ppl that I didnt know, at the lowest point in their lives. And Russell’s mom who had died, I had never even met her before. So during the funeral Im sitting there and my mind is going crazy watching my brothers cry and Russell cry and feeling like, “what have I gotten myself into.”

During the funeral I started thinking about all of the changes that have been made in my life. All of the “deaths” of the past like Ruby moving away and Mimi getting married and Racole going to California and me finishing school and moving back to Miami. Nothing is the same anymore and I’m uncertain what the future will bring and that makes me very nervous.

So I’m in the funeral crying over my life’s “deaths” while everyone else is crying because they miss my grandmother.

After the funeral I realize just how off the chain they all are. Now these are my blood relatives and i’m standing there like, “Okkkk.”

They all stand in front of the casket to take pictures. Well, I havent been to a funeral in over 12 years but that seems so weird to me.

The amazing thing that blew my mind was that everyone there looked like me. In my Mama’s family, only she and I look alike, but in Russell’s family, they are all light skinned with round noses and some even have my green eyes. One little boy named Brandon, who turned out to be my cousin, looks EXACTLY like me. I was amazed but they weren’t. All of the girl cousins and everyone kept looking me up and down and saying, “Yep, she’s one of us.” which didn’t sit too right with me because I didn’t know if I actually wanted that label.

But overall they were like any other black family, lots of kids and old men drinking, old aunties making sexual jokes like they havent gone through menopause yet. I left that same afternoon with my sister Virtress. I dont think we look alike but everyone else does. She seems like a very sweet girl but I’m anticipating the typical sister-type relationship that I have with my lil sister Teenie and my friend Anna.

I came back to Miami dead tired and emotionally exhausted so I couldnt even go out on Saturday night. I just went to sleep.

Maybe after all this writing I can do the same now. I’ve been so exhausted from work although I dont do anything physical. I was in the bed by 9pm tonight, knocked out until I had a dream that I was being brainwashed by a cult and I couldnt run.

Most everyone is nervous for me about moving to Miami with no job. Well, all my guy friends are. My baby daddy isn’t, at least he hasn’t mentioned it to me. I think Russell is nervous too, asking me if I had to rush and move like that.

I did. I saw my financial situation getting tighter and I had to make that move now, or else I would have been bound to this job that I have to make myself go to everyday.

My friend Rick advised me to MAKE myself like my job. He hates his job but he’s almost making six figures and he doesn’t think that liking your job is important if you are able to provide for your family. I think this comes from being brought up poor and vowing to never do that to yourself or your children. Most men I know who grew up without their wants are adamant about making paper. I think that’s why my baby daddy has 3 degrees and practices law; he knew he could make some cheese.

But I believe if you have a passion for something, you can make some money by doing it, but I realize that you have to have some support. Not just verbal support, financial support. So when my sons are older I promise to be financially stable enough so that they can do what they WANT to do in life, not just have to work because they have to pay the bills. I am going to build an inheritance for them, spiritually and financially. I dont want them to go through what I have gone through having to be miserable in the workplace and in bondage because they have bills to pay.

Yeah, I’m changing my children’s future by my choices today. I choose to be receive salvation. I choose to walk in my annointing. I choose to listen to the gentle urging of the Holy Spirit as He directs me even if ppl dont agree.

You know how I know God told me to move? I have peace about it. When I think about staying here I have anxiety and feel pressured and depressed. The only reason I considered staying was because I didnt want to displease my Pastor. Thats not good enough.

I’m so glad I woke up. All of this pressure about the “family” of God being only here at this church was a weight on my shoulders since in my heart I didnt agree. I felt like something was really wrong with me because i wasnt going along with the group. I was told that my heart was “wicked” and “disgusting” when I said I just wasn’t feeling interested in getting to know these ppl like that.

I think I was supposed to be scared into staying. It almost worked too.

Almost.

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