Confession
You ready?
I guess since I’m leaving Gainesville I can fess up to the fact that I have a crush. I’m only calling it a crush because I’m confused right now. I thought I had heard from God but you know that can be difficult at times. He goes to my church but I dont know him well. In fact when I see him it’s like Alicia Keyes, “You don’t know my name”
I played the game how I was taught to play it. My Pastor taught me that I could charm this young man into liking me and possibly end up marrying him, but if I waited and allowed God to move on His own and bring this young man when it was time, then I could be sure that it was God and not my own efforts and I would never doubt him as God’s choice for me.
So I was obedient. I rarely spoke to him. We never became friends. I tried really hard NOT to let him see the majesty that is in me. I stayed far away. Now that I’m leaving, I kinda regret that. He seemed like he was a cool person. Like someone who would have been my friend. Well, thats the way things go in my church so…
At the time Pastor’s advice made perfect sense because now I can see why people cheat and continue to look at other people even though they have someone. They never got that confirming word from God so they are always wondering if this is the best person for them. They used so many tricks and lies to get the person that they dont know if the person will truly like them for them.
I want to know that I know that I know that my husband is the best God had for me. I dont want it to be because of my ridiculously stunning legs or my winning smile, I want it to be the word of the Lord and I want him to be in love with me too.
Today my heart is heavy because I am leaving this guy behind. But I trust that if this was really God placing him on my heart then it will come to pass. If not then I am at a point where I can accept a no and be excited because God could have someone even better for me.
But I dont know. True love has always been a fantasy to me. Really farfetched. I have more faith that I will win a Pulitzer Prize than I have that I will get married. Having someone accept me and love me would be the greatest thing but… I dont know. Is it really possible for someone to look at me and just…adore me?