After taking a breather and looking past my emotions to what I truly believe I must apologize for getting carried away about my church but my feelings are valid and still true to my heart.
I am an extremist, which means for me there is no gray area, only black and white. When I find something that I believe I am dogmatic about it to the point that I allow it to rule my life and I feel worthless if I can’t stick to it. That is why my walk with God has been so rough. I believe Jesus Christ died for me and I believe He came to atone for the sin of the world so that we may be free from sin. We are not bound to sin. But one thing I’m missing is grace. Since I know that we are not bound to sin, if I commit ANY kind of sin or dont follow the WORD to the letter, I think that I am going to miss out on every blessing ever promised to me, FOR LIFE. Yeah I know, thats extreme, but that’s how I am.
So I find a church home with AMAZING word and lots of people who look like they love each other and a systematic way of doing things. Like the extremist that I am, I don’t leave room for error and I grab hold to what they are saying and try to fashion myself to become everything that they say I should be. My heart is after God and I want to please Him and I feel that by obeying them I please Him. When everything doesn’t line up the way I feel it should, like not being able to experience what my Pastor says I should feel about family I go into self-condemnation and depression.
There are a lot of great things going on there and I never gave myself room for error in that this church may not be the place for me. I felt like God sent me there and these people look happy so I should be able to conform to whatever they are teaching and be like them. Since I couldnt get my feelings where I thought they should be, I felt like I was disappointing God.
The crazy thing is, I realize my part in the madness. I was too eager. Too obedient. I didnt look at my Pastors as people, but as keyholders to my future. I gave everything in me over to them for their guidance; my hopes, my fears, my insecurites and my faults. They worked with me as best as they could. They loved on me as best as they could but I still wasn’t feeling like I thought I should be feeling and I felt like I was a dissappointment to them and to God.
While everyone in my town has something to say about my church, from what I see, the ppl there want to be there. They experience joy, family, abundance and pleasure from serving in the house of God. I havent heard of anyone who feels the way I do because if they did they would have left. Why couldnt I just stand up and say, “Naw, this doesnt feel right, let me bounce.” and be done with it? I felt like I was a failure because things didnt work out, but things dont work out 100% of the time.
The ability to acknowledge your mistake and make the move to correct it is the important thing. In this walk with Christ we always want God to direct us and we try to become better at discerning whether it is Him or its just our desires. There is room for confusion in this walk. There is room for mistakes. God allows us a couple of ‘Oops’ even when people like me don’t allow them for ourselves.
The hurt, the perception, the madness all started in MY HEAD. Yeah, I’m sure there are some things that could be changed about the church, but the same could be said about any church.
The root of it all is recognizing the good in it. Even if I didn’t seem to fit in, I have to recognize the God in it. I recognize God in my church, the heailing word, the accessibility to Pastors. Where else am I going to find that? Most Pastors are too busy to sit down and talk with a member about their personal issues.
Dang, as much as I felt like I wasn’t a part of the family. I realize that I am going to miss it. So here I go, off to Miami to start all over again. I hope I find a church that’s willing to work with a nutcase like me. Cuz here, they embraced me like I was their child and dealt with my insanity and broken heart and depression like it was their own issue.
These people loved me like God would love me. They showed the heart of God by accepting me and embracing me.
I’m very thankful for that. Thank you Lord for showing me what I gained instead of what I didnt get right.
Here’s a good analysis of how I deal in relationships?