Month: September 2011

For the past 3 weeks I’ve had weird dreams like, if before I got to sleep I say, “I want to go out and have some fun!” When I go to sleep I’ll dream that I am out socializing and everything is okay. If I desire food, I’ll dream about going to a big food court.

Whatever it is that I desire seems to show up in my dreams but then, I don’t understand how there were 2 straight days in a row when I was awakened from my sleep by someone calling my name but no one was home with me.

I would literally open my eyes, get out of bed and open my bedroom door to see who was there, but I was alone. Once I heard the voice sounding like it was coming from the left side of my bed but when I rolled over, no one was there. It pronounced my name perfectly, like it really knew me.

This puzzles me. I remember back in 2008 when I wrote my first book, I would wake up in the night to the feeling that my fingers were typing. I would look down at my hands and see that they were moving by themselves, so I’d open my laptop and write down the words that were coming out. That was my first book- written in less than 6 weeks.

I don’t understand if any of this means anything. Since I realize that I am the one who gives ultimate definitions to things in my life, I can’t really ask anyone for advice or interpretation. I considered contacting the tarot reader about this all but, eh, I don’t want to keep giving him my $5 when I can decide what it means by myself.

I like him, my tarot reader that is. He doesn’t tell me things that I don’t ask and he doesn’t contact me telling me that he’s my guide and the universe sent him to tell me things. I don’t feel pushed. I appreciate that.

I wonder what this is all about- this whole- I can see the future thing. Is it really possible? Can they see me when I masturbate? I feel paranoid about them watching me. The other lady who used to write me all the time telling me fortunes that I didn’t ask for, well, I don’t speak to her anymore and I’m glad. That was too overwhelming since I don’t like considering anyone’s opinion above my own. No one is my ultimate authority.

As I move forward into the next phase of my life, I have many questions but no answers. I have desires for some things but they seem impossible. Today I reached out a few organizations asking for help with my latest service offered on my website. I literally cried as I wrote the email because I kept thinking, “Why in the world would they even help me? I ain’t nobody.”

I have created two desires for myself. One, I want to see my Mom for her birthday- she turns 50 this year. Two, I want to spend New Years Eve and New Years Day with my sons.

The rest of my next phase are uncertain. I do know that I do not belong here, in South Florida at least. I wonder what my intuition is leading me to do. I just, really wish I had a support system like Sylvia. We are so different, she has to deal with people’s opinions about her choices and it surprises me how she carefully weighs how each choice will affect other people in her life. I never consider anyone but myself, because it’s my life and people know not to ask me NOTHING about what I plan to do.

But it’s really because, she has support, emotionally and financially for her goals and I don’t. I wish things were different for me. I wish I had someone in my life who would say, “What is it that you want to do? Let me help. I’ll drive you there and I’ll give you money to get you started until you can stand on your own.”

Sylvia is so lucky.

So here I go again, with nothing but my skills to stand on, no ability to socialize, no connections, no friends to lean on, just ME- trying to figure out what to do next and hoping that it doesn’t take more struggle and more pain to push through it.

If you could see me over here right now, legs crossed on the bed focused intensely on my laptop screen you’d probably throw a pillow at me and tell me to get my ass up and have some fun.

Granted, always doing research and meticulously plotting my next moves are NOT fun yet, I feel like I have to do this and be diligent about it or else, I’ll never find my safe place.

What does my safe place feel like? It’s not anxiety filled that’s for sure. It isn’t filled with paranoia wondering why the person in my face smiling so brightly is secretly out to harm me. I sometimes, you know, wish I was a different person.

Like, why couldn’t I have been one of the ones who walk around oblivious to life’s deeper meanings? Why can’t I just be satisfied with make up and hairstyles and writing about boys and toys? Dude, for real, thinking so much takes the fun out of life yet I can’t change who I am.

The ONLY relief I get from thinking so hard is WRITING about what I’m thinking. LOL

Tonight I reached out to a few authors of awesome books for interviews and even found an awesome blogger to profile. I hope to meet more and I hope to offer original journalistic style reports on various topics related to women. Healthcare and poverty is at the top of my list so I need to find a woman who uses places like Planned Parenthood and then I have to find one who feels she can’t afford healthcare at all.

I go to Planned Parenthood, due to the fact that I haven’t had insurance since- i don’t even remember. Whenever i don’t feel right “down there” I’m off and running to PP to get a full STD screening. The crazy part is, they always tell me that I do not have any STD’s. How’s that for irony. If nothing is physically wrong with me then why do I feel BAD after I have an intimate encounter with a man?

I’ve gone twice this year, once before the incident just to check myself and once afterwards as a follow up to going through the rape kit. Results came in and nothing was wrong with me physically. I don’t know. Maybe in my mind, being with a man feels so wrong that it manifests as physical symptoms. While I have had an STD before, and one STD scare, I know what it feels like and my body feels like that but testing just comes back negative for everything.

Although I do desire emotional intimacy, what is offered to me is only physical. The cutie I met last month who I used to work with sent me a text the other morning but I didn’t reply because I’m over the younger dudes thing. I don’t want anyone.

You know what I want? SUPPORT. Not just in words either. Which reminds me of this awesome pychic reading I had one time where the psychic described the MAN who would one day love me. He said that it wouldn’t be love at first sight but that this MAN will ALWAYS be there for me. “You mean I won’t have to ask him for a hug or to help me do things?”

He was quiet before saying, “This is going to be a lifelong relationship. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you.”

Wow. Imagine that. I can’t imagine that but it sounds so delicious and impossible. If that ever happens I might even learn how to cook to show him appreciation. Those readings give me so much hope, even if they haven’t come true yet. It’s the possibility that good things could be in store for me that keeps me feeling joyful. Friends usually try to tell you all the worst case scenarios but when I get a reading they tell me something to look forward to.

But anyway, since I can’t find that kind of support anywhere outside the mindless ramblings of “you’re so beautiful” (thanks for supporting something I have no control over) I have to create it myself.

So here I am creating a new project and trying to engage women about it although i am horrible at socializing. I wish I had a FACE for my website that isn’t mine, someone who smiles and laughs easily and chats about nothing at all and loves to mingle and flirt and woo men. I’m not good at any of that shit which hurts me because people want to work with people they LIKE. I’m not that likeable. I make people feel uncomfortable because I only talk about serious topics- no bullshitting here.

Anyway, this feels so good to take a break from researching and brainstorming. It’s crazy that I do all this work for women not even knowing if it will be successful or if it will really help. I’m just trying to give what I wish I had- even though I still don’t have it.

See? I opened up this post trying to be all light hearted and fun, but I guess I’m not in that place right now. I used to write about my adventures but I don’t have any right now. This poem I wrote that EVERYONE LOVES has a few lines that go:

My back breaks beneath the weight of my gift
I want to give it away but I can’t find room for it
I want to give love wherever I go but it’s often mistaken for
Something else, I don’t know what

Man. You should have seen me the other day singing at work. I love to sing Happy birthday to my customers. I have a very strong voice that carries through the whole restaurant and i make sure that i sing off key because it’s funnier. The whole restaurant claps for me when I’m done and I feel like the star that I am.

In fact, the other night, a table came in, sat down and waved me over. I walked up to them expecting them to ask me to get them something.

“Hey,” a very cute lady with a big curly afro said. “Are you a poet?”

I beamed. “Yes.”

“What’s your name?”

I told her.

Her eyes lit up. “Oh my gosh! I told you!” she said to the other 3 people at her table. “I knew that was you. I saw you perform in Broward county at the fashion show! You were great! I love your work. Do you think you could perform for us here?”

“Sure!” I said and went to ask the server whose station it was if I could switch tables with her.

After I took their orders, made their drinks and brought out their food, I had a minute to politic so I went over and said, “I’m ready.”

They were so eager and stopped eating to watch me. “Anything in particular you want to hear?” I asked them, adjusting my hairnet and smoothing my apron.

“Whatever you want! Everything you did was great!”

“Ok, I’ll give you something short, but it’ll make you smile.”

And I stood there for two minutes and performed one of my old favorite poems for them. They grinned, laughed and clapped for me in the end, offering an awesome tip.

That made me feel so good!

I love to perform. I love organizing my website too and making videos and writing books but it’s those moments when people recognize me and thank me for delighting them through my spoken word that I feel so- alive.

“Thank you,” I told them sincerely. “I haven’t performed in a while and it makes me feel so special to be able to.”

“You’re 32. It’s time for you to settle down,” My Mama said to me this evening after I shared my latest plans with her.

We went back and forth, but the result was the same, “OK. It’s your life. Nobody tells you what to do.”

I am a lot like my Mother, yet I’m not.

My mother doesn’t give a damn about socializing or being up in anyone’s business. She won’t pry. She won’t ask questions. She is not intrusive. She doesn’t care that much.

BUT- My Mama is also the type of woman who doesn’t back down when someone bothers her and she knows it isn’t her fault. She’ll be quiet for a moment, but she will react smoothly and with all her facts in order. I’m trying to be more like that.

She has always encouraged me to chill out, stay in one spot, but I’m not like her in that sense. She has worked for the same company for 25 years and I am adamant that I could not do that unless I owned the company. There are too many horror stories of devoting your life to a company and then being ousted with nothing to show for it. I don’t believe in that.

I don’t know what I’m doing in life. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know much of anything except I’m willing to lose again and again because I already know what that’s like and how to bounce back from it mentally.

There is no set path in life even though my Mama tries to show me the WAY. I don’t want to go her way and she relents her stance each time, worries about me as I flutter. She’s sometimes proud of me in the midst of my GREAT RISKS but in the end I seem to falter back to the beginning again and I know she wishes I would just sit my ass down.

I wish the same but I know- this place isn’t the right spot.

~sigh~

OMG!

I’m so proud of myself. Today I set up the entry form and instructions for my 2nd give away on my site! Remember that the first one was the rental assistance grant and this one is a $100 Gift Card to Walmart.

Like, I want to give away stuff that will make a difference in a woman’s life. So today I was thinking, what do I need? Cuz you know, when i feel I need something then I have to find a way to give it away. Then I thought, “I wish I could go to Walmart.” You know I don’t have a car so going to Walmart is out of the question, really.

So then I said- Wait. That’s a great give away! So I decided to buy a Walmart Gift Card and give it away on my site. I consider it to be an investment in my business and hopefully, I’ll make more than the $100 I just invested as I serve tables this weekend, that is, if they don’t schedule me for the swing shift.

Anyway, I’m so excited about it. I followed all the steps I read about as I studied the business models of the successful money making bloggers. I signed up to sweepstakes websites to market my give away and I made sure to tie the ACTION steps of the give away to encourage people to LIKE us on facebook and to visit the site to read through the articles! Yay! I did everything right!

Now, I just have to cross my fingers that women actually enter the contest, but um, if they don’t, I get to keep my money! LOL I hope they do. I hope someone who really appreciates it wins it because the chick who won the rental assistance grant- ugh- No- she was so rude, asking for more money and more money and saying it wasn’t enough. I wanted to cry because I gave her all the money I had and she was STILL telling me it wasn’t enough.

Ugh! I hope I never encounter another woman like that again. She made me not want to help anyone with shit. but I realize that she’s just one person and maybe there are more appreciative people out there.

I’m so happy right now! My site is growing in leaps and bounds and I get to put into practice all the things I have been studying about launches and joint ventures and email marketing and stats and all the ladies I admire who run their own blog empire- i get to imitate and improve upon their business models because i am much more talented and innovative than anyone I have ever come across. I just wish I had unlimited resources! OOH WEE! But I’m sure that will come.

I need some more fliers and postcards and shit. But I’m sure that will come.

Everything is gonna come just when it’s supposed to. In the meantime, I’m just laying my bricks every single day. I’m doing what I can with that days resources and smiling to myself when I hang out on google plus because I’m learning SO MUCH from the smart people!

Um, You know. I just came across this AWESOME BLOG about philosophy and I clicked on the category of existentialism and the title kind of shocked me.

I have been writing on my blog about how I came to the conclusion that ‘I am nothing’. Ok, it might seem like I was just agreeing with the philosophical ramblings of Sartre but I have honestly never even heard of him.

I came up with ‘I am nothing’ because that’s what I feel like right now. All the things I used to describe myself have all been taken away.

I AM a mother – No, only on Sunday afternoons.

I AM a grad student- No, not anymore.

I AM a future relationship therapist- Nope. Gone

I AM a journalist- In my own way.

I AM a spoken word artist- well, not anymore.

I AM pretty- well, if I squint my eyes and hold my head to the right.

What AM I?

A server?

Am I my job?

Am I my relationship status?

Am I my emotional state?

Am I my mental condition?

Am I the role I play in my family?

What am I?

I don’t feel like anything.

I am nothing. And honestly, it’s quite freeing.

Ha ha! I came up with that myself, but I guess some guy named Sartre heard my thoughts and traveled to the past to write it down so he could be first!

The nerve of him!

THINGS I HATE

Ugh!

I hate it when…

I meet someone new and they rush home to request me as a friend on facebook- Ugh! Who the fuck are you? Nosey ass! I changed my name on FB because of that.

People I would never, ever be friends with in person, read my blog to see what’s going on with me. You are officially a STALKER. You suck too!

I’m literally 2 seconds away from using the bathroom and I pee in my pants because my zipper is stuck.

Women try to criticize me. Deep inside I know they do it because they think I’m prettier and smarter than them. Ain’t my fault! Um- Maybe next lifetime bitch!

Men I want to be cool with try to touch me. If I wanted to screw you, we’d be done by now. Nobody wants your nasty penis!

Women meet me and fall in love with me fast and all they have to say is, “You’re so pretty!” You’re shallow! Shut up and leave me alone!

My socks come up missing!

I’m waiting forever for the bus to come and then when I decide to start walking, the damn bus drives right by. Ugh!

My internet connection is DOWN. Don’t TALK TO ME!

They put food on sale and you try it because its cheap and then they raise the price once you’re addicted to it. DAMN SCAMMERS!

People’s emails get hacked and spammers send out virus’s! I block your damn email address.

I see pimples on my face and I know it’s because I eat too many desserts at work! Damn my employee discount!

I walk up to a taxi to get a ride and the driver has no shirt on and he’s barefoot and picking at his toes. Ya’ll some nasty mofo’s!

People I work with google me and follow my online life without telling me about it but I can always tell because they change their behavior toward me even when I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM. Hate that shit!

People make promises they don’t keep.

Ok. I lost my hate vibe again so I have to do another list.

Things I LOVE

I love it when…

I get an email from someone I like and they write, “Wanna go out sometime?” I never pretend I’m busy when I’m not so I’m like- Hell yeah!

Cigarettes are on sale.

Someone I know starts their own business! Excites me!

My son calls me and says, “Mommy, when can we come spend the night with you?” and I get to say, “I have a night off this weekend so come on!”

My sons holds my hand in public.

My sons call me and tell me stories like, “We’re at the mall BY OURSELVES!” and I’m like, “OMG! For real? Be cool. Don’t run around and knock things down. If you see a cute girl say, ‘Hey lil Mama just to make her smile.'”

My sons laugh at my jokes. They understand my raunchy sense of humor.

I get a table full of gay guys at the restaurant. I fall in love with each and every one of them.

Someone takes me out to dinner. Free food tastes the best.

I’m with a man and he stares at me with glossy eyes like he’s in love. Inside my head I think, “He’s cute. Now let me see what I can do to get on his nerves.”

Someone I dated (LOL) in the past finds me to tell me that they have compared every woman to me and none beat me. Duh!

I go to the beach by myself and no one talks to me. I can just think and think and think. I feel like a sophisticated lady who enjoys her own company.

The cooks at my restaurant get my order just right and the food comes out looking so good, so crisp. It secretly arouses me sexually for some reason.

My roommates dogs bark when they see me and they jump on me with their little paws. Makes me happy!

A package comes in the mail. Yes!

I find a new erotic literature website to read. Yum!

I didn’t sleep at all last night.

Well, simply because I’m not used to sleeping because I’m supposed to work. But, when I went to work yesterday I saw that all my weekend night shifts had been given to someone else, which gave me a whole WEEK off from work. Thank God, I’m a good saver or I’d freak out but really, I told myself, “This was supposed to happen. Maybe you’re not supposed to be there. Let them have the shifts, you are ALWAYS more than okay. This job is going to be a memory one day. Do not sweat it at all.”

So I felt better.

It’s weird how I can look someone in the face and in that moment I KNOW that they are not going to be a part of my future. It totally changes the dynamic of the relationship when I realize that. Things they say and do don’t bother me because I know they’re going to be just a memory one day soon.

And then all night long I was plotting and planning my next moves. I am so excited about my plans but very nervous because as usual, no one I ever met would ever try to do the things I am about to do so I have no one to go to for guidance at all. It’s like venturing off into the wilderness with no map- all I have is my intuition. I sure wish I had more intellectually sound entrepreneurs around me. ~sigh~

I also had an awesome surprise. The older guy I met during my project came by today with my favorite foods. It was weird to see him again after more than a month of not hearing from him. My feelings aren’t the same for him. I don’t feel that THING that I had, that hopeful, happy feeling anymore. I think when I didn’t hear from him for so long, it really hurt me, and now my feeling for him is tainted. When he came, he brought me my favorite foods. Like, literally, he had snow crab legs, steamed shrimp and my favorite chocolate cookies. If he had brought some buffalo wings with blue cheese, I would have probably molested his ass. OMG!

I don’t know what it is about food but it turns me on. Well, you know, food turns me on, gay men turn me on, learning turns me on, entrepreneurs turn me on, (some) women with natural hair and bright smiles turn me on.

Anyway, as he walked up to the door I studied his face. He’s definitely my type. I always tend to be attracted to men who look like him but he’s older. He hugged me. This was the very first time our bodies have ever touched. Besides a kiss on the cheek I have never kissed him either.

He hugged me a BUNCH of times, telling me, “Since it’s Friday, you can one more hug and I won’t charge you.” I smiled and took a step toward him and he squeezed me and whispered in my ear, “Stay strong.”

I hate it when he says that because the last time he said that- right after I got into that INCIDENT and then I was arrested. I think he’s psychic and he can see the future or somethng so I’m a little scared.

He’s very much complimentary to me. He always tells me how special I am and how he believes in me. I don’t get it though. I haven’t done much of anything and no one in this town even respects the work I do or acknowledges it except him. My paranoia tells me that he doesn’t really care either. It tells me that he’s a charmer who wants to hurt me too. He’s trying to get close so he can hurt me like all the rest. Since he already has by disappearing for over a month, I am not at ease with him anymore.

But he did bring me my favorite foods and he did give me a hug so I don’t know. I just really wish I had that feeling back- the feeling I had when I first met him. I felt so much like a woman when I was with him. I felt desired and pretty and respected and safe. Now I just feel like I’m something to do in his spare time. That’s not a good feeling.

BUT- I still have some shrimp left so that nervous energy from seeing him again will go away once I finish that bowl! That really made me happy. Whatever his motives are- at least I got to eat and be happy all day!

Look at my baby!

We are officially 7 months old and we’re doing so well!

Look at what you get when you subscribe to our newsletter! I have to pay monthly for this service but its so worth it to look professional!

I am so proud and happy!

I’m wondering if it’s the after effects of the project because I realize now that I am passionless.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. I have less pressure to achieve GREATNESS yet I still have some goals. But, not enough desire to want to move mountains to make them happen.

Like, I’d love for my website to become successful and be able to earn money and really help women through my efforts but, even if it remains the same, I won’t be disappointed with myself. Is that okay? I used to beat myself up a lot. I know I have the intelligence, the talent, the courage and the skills to make something AWESOME happen in my life. So I’ve taken the risks. I’ve planted the seeds. I’ve tried and tried and knocked on doors yet, nothing comes from any of that.

Maybe the project changed me more than I will ever know. Maybe this non desire is freedom. Maybe this non attachment is akin to enlightenment. Listen, I will never manipulate anyone in order to benefit because I don’t care that much about the benefit. I will never cheat to win because I don’t care that much about winning. I will never put much effort into romantic pursuits because it doesn’t have to happen. I’m good.

People only care about you when it’s convenient for them. Why have I made myself so convenient for others? When they’re done using you for their purpose, they walk away with no remorse. Why have I cared so much over the years, making myself available to men and women who took me for granted and didn’t value my time and attention?

Fuck everybody.

What the hell is going on with me?

I’m interacting with people and I’m looking around and I’m thinking, “I don’t really care to try to hold on to any of this. None of this shit matters anyway.”

I had like, such an awesome day today.

I swear, I slept some last night and woke up refreshed this morning. That’s a first. I usually don’t sleep at ALL at night. Then I had a very interesting conversation with the older man who called me with a lot on his mind. He had me blushing so HARD. It was cute.

Then I took a delicious nap that felt so good and so right. Then I woke up and enjoyed my own company, talking on the phone with my Mama for a little bit. Then I took another delicious and nutritious nap which was so delightful. I LOVE SLEEPING! Then I woke up and rolled over and talked on the phone a little bit before doing some article writing and daydreaming. Then I made this video.

Then I smiled and laughed to myself about the erotic story I wrote last night. OMG! I have never thought about writing erotica but the other day I was reading some and I thought to myself, “Maybe I can write a story, see if people like it and if they do, I can sell some erotica books online to create more passive income.”

So I wrote a story and it turned out so good that I can’t stop reading it myself! LOL Ok OK. Give me a minute and I’ll post it online so you can read it too.

Ok Here it is! It’s supernasty so if you’re under 18, please go ask your Mommy if it’s okay to read it. LOL

My First Erotic Fiction Story

So I entered it into a contest and if I get enough votes I could earn money but I’m really looking forward to getting feedback because if it turns people on that means I should write more. It’s really, nasty though. He he.

So go ahead and enjoy it!

I’m so happy today!