If you could see me over here right now, legs crossed on the bed focused intensely on my laptop screen you’d probably throw a pillow at me and tell me to get my ass up and have some fun.
Granted, always doing research and meticulously plotting my next moves are NOT fun yet, I feel like I have to do this and be diligent about it or else, I’ll never find my safe place.
What does my safe place feel like? It’s not anxiety filled that’s for sure. It isn’t filled with paranoia wondering why the person in my face smiling so brightly is secretly out to harm me. I sometimes, you know, wish I was a different person.
Like, why couldn’t I have been one of the ones who walk around oblivious to life’s deeper meanings? Why can’t I just be satisfied with make up and hairstyles and writing about boys and toys? Dude, for real, thinking so much takes the fun out of life yet I can’t change who I am.
The ONLY relief I get from thinking so hard is WRITING about what I’m thinking. LOL
Tonight I reached out to a few authors of awesome books for interviews and even found an awesome blogger to profile. I hope to meet more and I hope to offer original journalistic style reports on various topics related to women. Healthcare and poverty is at the top of my list so I need to find a woman who uses places like Planned Parenthood and then I have to find one who feels she can’t afford healthcare at all.
I go to Planned Parenthood, due to the fact that I haven’t had insurance since- i don’t even remember. Whenever i don’t feel right “down there” I’m off and running to PP to get a full STD screening. The crazy part is, they always tell me that I do not have any STD’s. How’s that for irony. If nothing is physically wrong with me then why do I feel BAD after I have an intimate encounter with a man?
I’ve gone twice this year, once before the incident just to check myself and once afterwards as a follow up to going through the rape kit. Results came in and nothing was wrong with me physically. I don’t know. Maybe in my mind, being with a man feels so wrong that it manifests as physical symptoms. While I have had an STD before, and one STD scare, I know what it feels like and my body feels like that but testing just comes back negative for everything.
Although I do desire emotional intimacy, what is offered to me is only physical. The cutie I met last month who I used to work with sent me a text the other morning but I didn’t reply because I’m over the younger dudes thing. I don’t want anyone.
You know what I want? SUPPORT. Not just in words either. Which reminds me of this awesome pychic reading I had one time where the psychic described the MAN who would one day love me. He said that it wouldn’t be love at first sight but that this MAN will ALWAYS be there for me. “You mean I won’t have to ask him for a hug or to help me do things?”
He was quiet before saying, “This is going to be a lifelong relationship. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for you.”
Wow. Imagine that. I can’t imagine that but it sounds so delicious and impossible. If that ever happens I might even learn how to cook to show him appreciation. Those readings give me so much hope, even if they haven’t come true yet. It’s the possibility that good things could be in store for me that keeps me feeling joyful. Friends usually try to tell you all the worst case scenarios but when I get a reading they tell me something to look forward to.
But anyway, since I can’t find that kind of support anywhere outside the mindless ramblings of “you’re so beautiful” (thanks for supporting something I have no control over) I have to create it myself.
So here I am creating a new project and trying to engage women about it although i am horrible at socializing. I wish I had a FACE for my website that isn’t mine, someone who smiles and laughs easily and chats about nothing at all and loves to mingle and flirt and woo men. I’m not good at any of that shit which hurts me because people want to work with people they LIKE. I’m not that likeable. I make people feel uncomfortable because I only talk about serious topics- no bullshitting here.
Anyway, this feels so good to take a break from researching and brainstorming. It’s crazy that I do all this work for women not even knowing if it will be successful or if it will really help. I’m just trying to give what I wish I had- even though I still don’t have it.
See? I opened up this post trying to be all light hearted and fun, but I guess I’m not in that place right now. I used to write about my adventures but I don’t have any right now. This poem I wrote that EVERYONE LOVES has a few lines that go:
My back breaks beneath the weight of my gift
I want to give it away but I can’t find room for it
I want to give love wherever I go but it’s often mistaken for
Something else, I don’t know what
Man. You should have seen me the other day singing at work. I love to sing Happy birthday to my customers. I have a very strong voice that carries through the whole restaurant and i make sure that i sing off key because it’s funnier. The whole restaurant claps for me when I’m done and I feel like the star that I am.
In fact, the other night, a table came in, sat down and waved me over. I walked up to them expecting them to ask me to get them something.
“Hey,” a very cute lady with a big curly afro said. “Are you a poet?”
I beamed. “Yes.”
“What’s your name?”
I told her.
Her eyes lit up. “Oh my gosh! I told you!” she said to the other 3 people at her table. “I knew that was you. I saw you perform in Broward county at the fashion show! You were great! I love your work. Do you think you could perform for us here?”
“Sure!” I said and went to ask the server whose station it was if I could switch tables with her.
After I took their orders, made their drinks and brought out their food, I had a minute to politic so I went over and said, “I’m ready.”
They were so eager and stopped eating to watch me. “Anything in particular you want to hear?” I asked them, adjusting my hairnet and smoothing my apron.
“Whatever you want! Everything you did was great!”
“Ok, I’ll give you something short, but it’ll make you smile.”
And I stood there for two minutes and performed one of my old favorite poems for them. They grinned, laughed and clapped for me in the end, offering an awesome tip.
That made me feel so good!
I love to perform. I love organizing my website too and making videos and writing books but it’s those moments when people recognize me and thank me for delighting them through my spoken word that I feel so- alive.
“Thank you,” I told them sincerely. “I haven’t performed in a while and it makes me feel so special to be able to.”