For the past 3 weeks I’ve had weird dreams like, if before I got to sleep I say, “I want to go out and have some fun!” When I go to sleep I’ll dream that I am out socializing and everything is okay. If I desire food, I’ll dream about going to a big food court.
Whatever it is that I desire seems to show up in my dreams but then, I don’t understand how there were 2 straight days in a row when I was awakened from my sleep by someone calling my name but no one was home with me.
I would literally open my eyes, get out of bed and open my bedroom door to see who was there, but I was alone. Once I heard the voice sounding like it was coming from the left side of my bed but when I rolled over, no one was there. It pronounced my name perfectly, like it really knew me.
This puzzles me. I remember back in 2008 when I wrote my first book, I would wake up in the night to the feeling that my fingers were typing. I would look down at my hands and see that they were moving by themselves, so I’d open my laptop and write down the words that were coming out. That was my first book- written in less than 6 weeks.
I don’t understand if any of this means anything. Since I realize that I am the one who gives ultimate definitions to things in my life, I can’t really ask anyone for advice or interpretation. I considered contacting the tarot reader about this all but, eh, I don’t want to keep giving him my $5 when I can decide what it means by myself.
I like him, my tarot reader that is. He doesn’t tell me things that I don’t ask and he doesn’t contact me telling me that he’s my guide and the universe sent him to tell me things. I don’t feel pushed. I appreciate that.
I wonder what this is all about- this whole- I can see the future thing. Is it really possible? Can they see me when I masturbate? I feel paranoid about them watching me. The other lady who used to write me all the time telling me fortunes that I didn’t ask for, well, I don’t speak to her anymore and I’m glad. That was too overwhelming since I don’t like considering anyone’s opinion above my own. No one is my ultimate authority.
As I move forward into the next phase of my life, I have many questions but no answers. I have desires for some things but they seem impossible. Today I reached out a few organizations asking for help with my latest service offered on my website. I literally cried as I wrote the email because I kept thinking, “Why in the world would they even help me? I ain’t nobody.”
I have created two desires for myself. One, I want to see my Mom for her birthday- she turns 50 this year. Two, I want to spend New Years Eve and New Years Day with my sons.
The rest of my next phase are uncertain. I do know that I do not belong here, in South Florida at least. I wonder what my intuition is leading me to do. I just, really wish I had a support system like Sylvia. We are so different, she has to deal with people’s opinions about her choices and it surprises me how she carefully weighs how each choice will affect other people in her life. I never consider anyone but myself, because it’s my life and people know not to ask me NOTHING about what I plan to do.
But it’s really because, she has support, emotionally and financially for her goals and I don’t. I wish things were different for me. I wish I had someone in my life who would say, “What is it that you want to do? Let me help. I’ll drive you there and I’ll give you money to get you started until you can stand on your own.”
Sylvia is so lucky.
So here I go again, with nothing but my skills to stand on, no ability to socialize, no connections, no friends to lean on, just ME- trying to figure out what to do next and hoping that it doesn’t take more struggle and more pain to push through it.