I’m wondering if it’s the after effects of the project because I realize now that I am passionless.
I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. I have less pressure to achieve GREATNESS yet I still have some goals. But, not enough desire to want to move mountains to make them happen.
Like, I’d love for my website to become successful and be able to earn money and really help women through my efforts but, even if it remains the same, I won’t be disappointed with myself. Is that okay? I used to beat myself up a lot. I know I have the intelligence, the talent, the courage and the skills to make something AWESOME happen in my life. So I’ve taken the risks. I’ve planted the seeds. I’ve tried and tried and knocked on doors yet, nothing comes from any of that.
Maybe the project changed me more than I will ever know. Maybe this non desire is freedom. Maybe this non attachment is akin to enlightenment. Listen, I will never manipulate anyone in order to benefit because I don’t care that much about the benefit. I will never cheat to win because I don’t care that much about winning. I will never put much effort into romantic pursuits because it doesn’t have to happen. I’m good.
People only care about you when it’s convenient for them. Why have I made myself so convenient for others? When they’re done using you for their purpose, they walk away with no remorse. Why have I cared so much over the years, making myself available to men and women who took me for granted and didn’t value my time and attention?
Fuck everybody.
What the hell is going on with me?
I’m interacting with people and I’m looking around and I’m thinking, “I don’t really care to try to hold on to any of this. None of this shit matters anyway.”