Hey yall. I’m here. I’m vibing and trying to figure out what comes next while doing the best i can with today. You know the weird thing is….I’m not too worried about the specific outcome or pace of my success as I used to be.
I used to rate myself as a failure because I had not achieved all that I envisioned TODAY. Now I kinda see it like a nice adventurous journey where along the way I’ll get to experience all that I have envisioned. But I gotta be sure not to continuously envision things that I FEAR happening because its not about the fear, its about the focus. Whatever you FOCUS on blooms in your life.
Last night I chatted with Curtis and I’m using his real name because he is a true friend to me and those are very hard to find. As we chatted he showed me WHY he and I are still friends and it has more to do with HIM than with me. Basically, after all I put this poor man through out of FEAR that he would start liking me and I knew I already loved him as a person, so the potential of it becoming something real was GIGANTIC. That made me go overtime in trying to push him away and he just stood the course.
Along the way, in between times where I had cussed him out and told him never to speak to me again, I learned that he is a person like me. He has issues and quirks and drama. And I learned that once I start to trust somebody…I don’t take the things they do as a personal attack anymore.
I shrieked as he flipped on his camera, sitting there naked. He quickly turned it off because he knows I don’t like that…but he does.. Thats a part of him. Thats what he does. As long as he doesnt do that IN PERSON…we good. LOL
Man…when I talk to Curtis…I try to tune everything else out. He’s so smart. Like…I learn something cool from him everytime we get to interact. It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him but I catch him online every now and then and we both love the internet.
Thats my friend.
I don’t know…I’ve been so happy lately. It’s really a choice. I’m not in school this summer and I dont have financial aid when I’m not in school so I have to figure out how I’m going to live during the summer. Even with this at the forefront of my mind I’m still kinda just curious to see how this is gonna work itself out.
Tamara says I make enough money at work to pay my bills. I was like, “Nuh uh!”
“Tee, you make at least a hundred dollars a day.”
“So…you can pay your bills.”
I was confused. Damn, I make a lot of money. Where do I spend it? Oh yeah…my new video camera, my new ring, my new digital camera, tripod and my new TOOTH.
Maybe I can pay my bills for the summer. I never have to think about it because when i get my financial aid I just pay my rent up for the semester and never think of it again.
I would like more money to flow into my life….
It would be nice if it came from a generous, rich, fine ass man, who wanted a mistress to be ‘kept’. LOL Yep…that’s one of my latest fantasies.
I wonder what it’s like…