Feeling Good

I got off work a couple of hours ago and I came home wobbling, my legs hurting as usual. I made a cup of cereal and sat down to vibe out..and I’m JUST now getting my vibe back on track.

I feel so much pressure from school these days. When I first started out I was just in school for fun and to LEARN and I never worried about my grades. Now that I’m almost done…I’m stressing over every class wondering if I’ll pass. School isn’t fun anymore. After this semester, I’m off for the summer and then I have 3 classes in the fall before I start my internship.
I have no idea what it will be like to be in the actual office with clients who want help. I’m nervous. I’m nervous about the politics involved in working in an office; I never fit into that scene. I’m too aloof.
I swear…Tamara has me crackin up EVERYDAY about her job. She has worked in the same office for 5 years and the stories she tells about the fights, the sabotages and the corporate BS has me in TEARS and so grateful that I do not work in an office setting. I hope I never have to go back.
Anyway…I’ve been focused on finding a solution to my problem with men. Yeah…I feel you. I’m tired of reading about it too but it affects me everyday because MEN ARE EVERYWHERE.
One night when I used to have nights off, I was on the phone with Tamara and I made her go through her last 3 relationships and say 3 things she got that was POSITIVE. SHe almost choked.
Yeah I know…after a relationship ends we tend to focus on the negative ending instead of th glorious beginning and treasured middle that kept us there in the first place. I don’t know…even though I haven’t broken my cycle of breaking things off with men as soon as they touch me…I am learning quite a lot about my mentality towards relationships.
I’m scared yall. I’m in school becoming a relationship therapist and I have so many issues myself to work through. And the crazy thing is….I don’t HOPE for a relationship. I honestly can not imagine myself in one and when I TRY it scares me and makes me panic.
But anyway…talking to those dudes during my experiment taught me a lot…and even though I don’t speak to any of them anymore….I think I’ll always smile when they cross my mind.
Let’s tell a few stories…shall we?
22- We’ll call this one 22 because that is his age. Simple enough. I met him at the club. I was on Long Island #2 and I was LOOSE, dancing and having so much fun! I saw a cutie standing nearby so I went over and pulled him to me on the dancefloor. We danced and danced and I was definitely having fun with him. When he asked for my number I asked his age and immediately after his reply, I said, “Too young. Get away from me.” And I walked away.
He followed me, all the time trying to speak about the loud speakers playing music, begging for a chance to call me and show me what a young man could do. I kept walking away from him because I KNOW what young boys do…and that shit gets on my nerves. So damn infantile! Yuck!
Anyway…he was persistent so I gave him the number and we met up after the club to go get something to eat with both of our friends. Long story short…I had a GREAT time gettin to know him. We spent nearly everyday together for a week straight because we enjoyed each other’s company. I’ll never forget reciting poetry for him one night as we drove back from having drinks and him looking at me smiling. “You’re something special, you know that?” he asked and squeezed my hand.
I felt like something special that night.
So now we’ll move on to my one night stand. Well..it was supposed to be one but he called me the next day. And we talked. And we vibed. And we enjoyed each other so much I felt like I was in kindergarten. The way we interacted wasn’t what I would think a man and woman would do when spending time. We were acting like straight KIDS….playing pretend….dancing and talking about the times we got SOOOOO HIGH!
“Never…under any circumstances…EVER…are you to eat more than one weed brownie,” he cautioned.
That feeling of PLAY intermingled with sexual attraction and passion was….unforgettable. I’ll never forget him for that.
Now the next one…I met at the same club where I met 22. In fact, I met 22 right after SPECKS walked away. LOL I didnt care. Still don’t. But I spotted SPECKS checking me out and after checking him out too I decided that he was probably harmless..probably very nerdy and maybe even a bit submissive. I like those kind of men sometimes. So I went up to him and danced with him for almost the entire night.
Ummm…what can I say that I liked about him? Well…we had the same work schedule so were both up all hours of the night which means we only had each other to hang out with and we hung out a LOT. I was spending the night sometimes…but I never let him touch me. I’ll be frank here…there was absolutely no attraction whatsoever and the conversation was lacking as well.
The last one…I just stopped speaking to yesterday. He is older…40 and fine as hell! Like…if we were in highschool together I’d have a crush on him. What I love about him is the fact that he is on the same tip me with spiritually. The convos we have…OMG!
When we first met, I gave him a book and he gave me a CD. Then we met again and exchanged books…and this book is straight up CHALLENGING ME! I don’t know why he came into my life…but I believe he couldn’t make his exit without giving me that book so maybe that was his purpose.
Anyway…I’m getting sleepy but its only 2am so I probably won’t fall asleep. I feel better now that I wrote something. It’s like talking to myself…and listening.
I feel good….

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