Month: January 2010

Ahhh…

It’s been a while. While I’m waiting for my car to be looked at, there is a nice quiet computer lab here so I’ll try to tell a few stories.

I miss yall. I miss my laptop. I havent really put much effort into getting it fixed because I’ve been doing other things with my Red Lobster tips. Work has been going fine. I’m getting better everyday but I’m falling in love faster than I can imagine. I love serving. Its like being on a stage, all eyes on me, I am in control of my customer’s experience. I love it!

Christmas was okay. I was unable to buy my boys gifts this year because my car got stuck in the weird ass floods and I had to put money into that but…it’s all good. They still smile everytime they see me.

It’s cold as hell right now. I’m freezing every night, with no warm body to warm me or heater to help me be more comfy at night. But its still all good. Everything is all good actually. I can’t think of one thing to complain about…

Tamara is doing well. Her son’s father just left for the army so she’s a little nervous about having to take care of both of her kids full time now. They used to split time with their son and now he’s gone so it’s all on her now. I know she can do it, I hope she does.

Sylvia is all caught up in nursing school. She trips me out the way she freaks out before each test knowing she’s a scholar. sometimes I think she LIKES to worry cuz she always comes out doing well. She met a guy that she kinda liked but through the process of being facebook friends, she saw some things she didn’t like and cut him off. LOL. I hope she finds what she is looking for…cuz watching my friends date really gets to me. I don’t wanna do it.

Guess what? My kids told me that their Dad and his girl (Hyper Chick) broke up. What? she went and got her own place with her baby. I feel sad for him for some reason. I don’t want him to be lonely and sad. I actually thought they were perfect for each other.

Ruby moved to Memphis and is enjoying the dating scene there. Ruby is a pro at the bachelorette lifestyle but sometimes I think she wants more. She says she doesnt so I have to believe her.

Oh…Kim is still in Chicago. She celebrated a 1 year anniversary of her marriage and is a couple of months away from having her first baby, a girl. She’s naming her Maya.

Mimi is still in Atlanta taking care of her son and planning for her future. I saw her over Xmas break and we got to hang out. I miss her and love her so much.

I’ll do seperate posts for the rest of the stories I have to tell…

Just wanted to say…HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(pray I get a new laptop soon so I can get back to writing).

So you should know by now that I AM NOT FRIENDLY. Especially in the workplace, but THESE co workers are so different and they have introduced me to the server lifestyle which is a bunch of fun, beers and doing nothing at all…just celebrating life.

I hang with a group of people nearly everyday. Last night we built a fire and sat around just quiet..lost in our own thoughts. After we went for a drink at a bar and I went home to try to fall asleep in the cold. It’s freezing here. I hate this. I miss tropical Miami.

I am not completely comfortable with this group because I feel like I can’t talk about subjects that are important to me. THings like, progress, success and philosophy. Maybe it’s just me…but I don’t feel like they would be interested so most of the time I am quiet or I try to be. I’ve learned from them to let go a little and just have fun. They are great people, all ages all races, who just vibe together over beers after work. We all stand around in our work uniforms and talk shit about whatever comes to mind.

I know that these people may not be in my life for a very long time, but for now, I love being around people who like them who accept me for who I am and now where they know I am headed. It feels good not to be the superstar sometimes…

The last dude I messed with was 22 years old. He wasn’t cute to me at first but his non chalant personality is what attracted me to him. We did it a few times and hung out a few times but after one particularly good date he texted me and said he doesnt want anything serious. Now you know good and well that marriage is NOT on my mind…the whole idea of sitting in the house with a man for the rest of my life doesn’t feel right…

But still..I’m not interested in a man who would TELL ME he doesnt want anything with me. What? Does he think that will make me chase him? Hell no! I stopped speaking to his ass immediately and he’s been showing up where I hang out and at my job…and he still won’t speak to me when he does…how lame.

Anyway…the last time I saw him was New Years eve. My boys and I were vibin out with my co workers and he just pops up 20 minutes to midnight..ignores me and hangs out to watch the ball drop with us. Weird…by the time I saw him I was too through with the whole thing because…

Well…I met a girl…

I was at work just doing my thing, making it happen as a server when the hostess asked me to come to the front to give directions to a man on the phone. As I approached the front desk, the front door opens and I froze in place when she walked in.

All I could do was stand and stare as she stood in front of the hostess stand. I think I managed to say Hi but I don’t even remember.

In my mind I was like, “Damn she’s georgeous.”

But it didn’t stop there…

She walked up to one of my co workers, a server who is well known for her gay lifestyle and outgoing personality. I tried to pretend like she wasn’t there as I organized the birthday sing along for one of my co workers but I felt this…this…tug on my heart.

After we sang and ordered food to eat since our shift was over, my co worker came over and I asked her, without even hesitating, “Who was your friend?” My eyes glued to my plate, feeling all nervous and wondering why.

“Who? Cameron? You haven’t met her before?”

“No,” I shook my head.

“What? She’s cute huh?”

I nodded my head and mumbled, “Yeah.”

“You want me to get her phone number for you?” she asked.

“No,” I replied quickly. “What would I say?” I was confused right then. I mean, I was attracted to this GIRL like she was a MAN. A fine ass MAN! I didn’t understand it.

At this point I realized that..um…Oh shit…all of the rest of my co workers are still here and I have never said I liked girls, in fact, I have never actually LIKED a girl before..even though I sometimes insinuate that I do. But THIS girl…

I went home and couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her dreads, the way she smiled, the way she was dressed, her spirit. I could NOT stop thinking about her.

I called up my BFF Tamara and told her what happened and guess what she said, “I guess you can’t help who you are attracted to.”

I raised my eyebrow at that response since a few years ago she told me flat out, “If you ever decided to be gay, I wouldn’t be your friend anymore.” Guess something happened…

So I went through the night crying and questioning myself. I don’t get it, how can I think of a GIRL in the way I would think of a MAN? What’s going on here? Why do I feel drawn to her? What is it about her?

I went in to work the next day feeling crazy and confused but still trying to smile as I greet and serve my tables. My manager hands me a tray with a raspberry lemonade on it, “Tee, could you please drop this off at table 58?”

“Sure.” I grab the tray and saunter out of the kitchen. I turn to table 58 and I freeze. Oh shit! It’s the girl again. This time she’s filling out paperwork to start working there.

I fucked up so many orders that day, I couldn’t concentrate. As she left I found myself watching her walk away through the window and then being confused. What’s wrong with me? This is a GIRL!

This is a girl…

This is a girl…

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her…

The next day and the day after…

And the next day…

And I wanted to see her again so I asked my co worker to introduce us and she laughed. “Wait…”I tried to explain. “I…I’ve never been attracted to any girl before…before I saw her.”

She told me that she was going to be working with us so it would be best if I waited to get to know her first. “You just try to be friends, like bestfriends…and then things could change.”

I reluctantly agreed. I mean, I don’t even know what I’d do with her if I was WITH Her. What d lesbians do together anyway? Am I a lesbian?

I called my Mama and told her what happened. She laughed so loud..”So you’re a lesbian now?” she asked.

“No. not yet. I can’t be a lesbian by myself. She has to like me back. I’ll let you know what happens.”

Yesterday I was on facebook and I looked her up. I found her quickly and looked through her pics. She has dreads, very nice ones, tattoos on her forearms and she’s boyish. Like, she wears timberlands and stuff..but she’s still so beautiful to me. I sent her a friend request, introduced myself and she accepted it.

I don’t know. This is gay…and gay as in…weird…

I keep thinking of this homemade porn that Curtis showed me one time…As I watched two of his homegirls lick and tease each other…it was disgusting to me. Still is kinda disgusting I guess.

I mean, girls have nice bodies and smell good but the thought of actually TOUCHING one in a sexual way never appealed to me, until now.

In fact, all the things that I suppose I SHOULD be imagining doing with a guy like cuddling and going to the movies and taking pictures and shopping and holding hands in the mall, I imagine doing it with her. And I don’t even know her.

Ahh…it feels so good to let that out. WHo knows if she’ll even think Im pretty or if we’ll have anything in common. I just wanna know WHY i feel so drawn to her. Maybe she has a lesson to teach me or maybe she’ll completely blow me off. I don’t know. I sure would love to hang out with her and find out about her life.

I don’t know…

I guess this story is still…pending…

Yeah…

So I’m on campus about to hit up this Family Therapy class. I’m beginning to be burnt out from all of this therapy. ~sigh~

Hopefully, this will be my last year of school. I have 5 classes including this semester and I’m done. If I can somehow squeeze in my two semesters of internships this year then I can be done by December.

“Why you rushing?” My sons asked. I stared at them with a blank look.

I don’t know. I’m just…ready for something new.

So…I added the girl I was mesmerized by on facebook and sent her a message with my number and she never called. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m pretty. Maybe that’s not how girls holla at each other. I don’t know what I’m doing. All I know is she is FINE to me…and lately I’ve seen other girls who are attractive to me. Seems like a mismatch though… I am attracted to the women who dress like men and have dreads but they never pay me any attention. I get hit on all the time by women who are very girly with weaves and perms and I’m not attracted to that at all. This seems trickier than dating men, which I don’t anymore.

But anyway….I went out last week. I tried to hit up the gay club but when I went I felt so out of place…not my type of crowd at all so I left after five minutes. I went to the usual spot and was so annoyed by the men there grabbing on me. I did have a couple of drinks and just as I was leaving I stopped to chill and when I looked to the side this fine ass dude was standing there smiling at me.

We vibed for the rest of the night including Ihop and ~smiling~ you know me…what else is a fine ass dude good for? By the time he dropped me back to me car I was so happy that I actually kissed him goodbye. And when he called the next day..I answered cuz I couldnt stop smiling over how good he made me feel.

I don’t really give a damn if I ever see him again…old habits are so hard to break. I got a call from Tamara last week and she was boo hoo crying over her new dude and that phone call irked me so much because…why would I deal with a dude who would make me cry? Why would she?

I hate that shit. I can hear her voice in my mind saying, “Give a guy 3 chances to mess up before you cut him off.” THREE chances? yeah right. He gets half a chance and not even that if I’m PMS’ing. I don’t value men in my life and I’m gonna stop trying to feel bad about it.

I don’t know….

There are so many things that I want to happen but none of them I’m really attached to…If they happen– YAY!– if not..oh well…

I just wanna be…you know…happy.

That’s pretty much it. And I achieve that everyday by choice.

Still no laptop to update more often but I’m hoping you’re having a great new year!

I am tired. So tired. So tired of all this damn TRYING…TRYING…TRYING to give people a chance. I think I’m feeling the pressure of finishing my last year of classes and STILL not having a relationship on which to gain personal experience from all my studies.

I’m all over the place mentally, taking my research methods class head on and lately I’ve actually been understanding what he’s teaching. I’m also still a little confused about the thing that happened when I met that girl and I was attracted to her. She still hasn’t called me but I see her on facebook. That hurt my feelings but I went ahead and explored a little and I’ve been going to gay clubs to face my fear of them. I was always like, “Whoa…” whenever someone invited me to one. But I went…by myself…and I loved this place called Pandora’s on South Beach.

I danced and danced and danced and after my first look at two guys hugged up in the corner kissing…I was desensitized I guess. And I was afraid to go in there because I thought the girls were gonna be harrassing me like guys do in clubs but they don’t. They don’t say anything to me. At all…

I don’t fit in there.

I’m okay with that.

I wish I could get out what I’m really feeling inside but it doesn’t seem to have a description. I’m gonna label it anxiety because it doesn’t feel good at all but I have no cause for it. I’m just tired…

I work so much and have been spending money on ME…going out and making my work uniform look nicer. I still need new shoes but I have cute accessories and my make up looks nice.

This heart of mine is still hurting…..i think I need a hug.

I decided to go and see if I could feel something for a guy..you know…give guys a chance again and…I chose 4 guys. They were all very nice guys and I chose them for different reasons.

Why…not even a week later..I’m not talking to 3 of them already. They all pissed me off quick. The last one is cool though…though he’s the one I thought I could have good conversation with…and we do. I was right about him.

I wish there was a god to pray to…to relieve me of this pressure. I’m caught in between the decision to believe there’s a god (who blesses and punishes) or the power is all in me. I don’t know which one is more beneficial to my life. I see that removing responsibility to outside of yourself is easier.

Ahhh…I don’t know what I want to believe…I think I just need a…hug.

I had a good time last nite but I’m never going there again.