TRYING, TRYING

I am tired. So tired. So tired of all this damn TRYING…TRYING…TRYING to give people a chance. I think I’m feeling the pressure of finishing my last year of classes and STILL not having a relationship on which to gain personal experience from all my studies.

I’m all over the place mentally, taking my research methods class head on and lately I’ve actually been understanding what he’s teaching. I’m also still a little confused about the thing that happened when I met that girl and I was attracted to her. She still hasn’t called me but I see her on facebook. That hurt my feelings but I went ahead and explored a little and I’ve been going to gay clubs to face my fear of them. I was always like, “Whoa…” whenever someone invited me to one. But I went…by myself…and I loved this place called Pandora’s on South Beach.

I danced and danced and danced and after my first look at two guys hugged up in the corner kissing…I was desensitized I guess. And I was afraid to go in there because I thought the girls were gonna be harrassing me like guys do in clubs but they don’t. They don’t say anything to me. At all…

I don’t fit in there.

I’m okay with that.

I wish I could get out what I’m really feeling inside but it doesn’t seem to have a description. I’m gonna label it anxiety because it doesn’t feel good at all but I have no cause for it. I’m just tired…

I work so much and have been spending money on ME…going out and making my work uniform look nicer. I still need new shoes but I have cute accessories and my make up looks nice.

This heart of mine is still hurting…..i think I need a hug.

I decided to go and see if I could feel something for a guy..you know…give guys a chance again and…I chose 4 guys. They were all very nice guys and I chose them for different reasons.

Why…not even a week later..I’m not talking to 3 of them already. They all pissed me off quick. The last one is cool though…though he’s the one I thought I could have good conversation with…and we do. I was right about him.

I wish there was a god to pray to…to relieve me of this pressure. I’m caught in between the decision to believe there’s a god (who blesses and punishes) or the power is all in me. I don’t know which one is more beneficial to my life. I see that removing responsibility to outside of yourself is easier.

Ahhh…I don’t know what I want to believe…I think I just need a…hug.

I had a good time last nite but I’m never going there again.

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