Posted on

Never That

I am sitting on my porch and I’m being bitten by mosquitoes. Someone called me and told me that mosquitoes would rather bite a stressed person than a relaxed one. Guess I’m caught, huh?

Why am I stressed? Well, I’m not stressed over a place to live because I moved into a tiny studio in Hollywood, Florida last nite. My brothers were upset. They didn’t want me to leave but I can’t be around someone else’s kids while mine are not with me. That didn’t feel right. Plus…I wanted to be naked and masterbate sometimes. Plus, I know my biological father is going to come back to the house this month and I sure didn’t want to be there when he got there.
I tried discussing my angst over my inability and disinterest in getting to know and/or loving their (our) father. They kept repeating, “If it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t be here.”
So? Am I supposed to do cartwheels because he screwed my Mama while she was a teenager and he was a grown ass, married ass man with a baby on the way already? And it doesn’t help that everytime I come around he’s on some “I’m Your Daddy, do what I say!” shit. Puhleease!
I cursed his ass out in 2005. That’s the last time I saw him. And I really didn’t care. Now I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about not going to see him while he’s in the hospital. I still don’t care. I probably care a little because he’s someone I know, but honestly he’s not someone I respect. Am I supposed to love and respect him because he told me to? Or maybe because he got my Mama pregnant? Is that all there is to it?
And the weird thing is…I love my brothers and my sister. I really do care about them and want to be a part of their lives—Just not him.
I don’t think he deserves to call me his daughter. He only skeeted for me, he didn’t father me. My Stepfather did and he fucked me up. Men…boy I tell u. How come I have 2 wonderful boys when the world is filled with assholes just trying to grab what they can until you are sore from hurting from helping their trifling asses?
Will I ever meet a man who, when he leaves, I feel a huge gap in my life? GEESH! I’m trying to enjoy my new place and my sons are fast asleep and I’m happy they are here but all I keep thinking about is the fact that I’m not being a good enough PERSON because I won’t just jump in and run into his arms and call him Daddy and say I LOVE YOU DADDY! LMAO!
That was too funny!
never that….
Posted on

Irrational Beliefs

It’s Saturday afternoon and I just woke up. I was up late last night visiting my biological father. I called him to get my sister’s number and he asked me to bring him some cigarettes so I did. On my way over there I was feeling bad. Just bad that I am attached to this man and I don’t want to be.

He annoys me to no end and I really don’t care if I ever see him again or not. When I got there I asked him to come talk to me and we went and sat inside his RV. I told him exactly how I felt about him and he was acting all hurt talking about, “I want you to be my daughter and I want you to love me.”
I was like, “So?” I explained to him that just because he screwed my Mama doesn’t make him my father. He sounded so sincere but in my heart I know he was only saying what he needs to say to get what he wants. I learned a lot about that from DEEP and the other guy who ended up lieing to me.
Guys will say whatever they have to to get what they want. No dice on this end.
“Well,” he said. “If you won’t be my daughter and call me your Dad, can we at least be friends?”
“OK,” I said, honestly meaning that I will give him the chance to earn my respect. But it’s gonna take a while because I think he’s a disgusting old man and I would NEVER introduce him to anyone I know. Never.
How does he get to miss out on the hard part of raising me and then come claim all the glory at the end cuz I’m beautiful and smart and driven and talented? None of that has anything to do with him. I roll my eyes everytime he brags to someone about me. Bitch, you ain’t got nothing to do with anything about me. In fact, if I HAD known you I would probably be way more fucked up than I am now.
I left there feeling relieved that I at least said my piece. As I was driving up 95 back to my house, I thought of DEEP and looked at the clock. It read 11:29. I called him up but he didn’t answer so I texted him. “I was trying to come see you now.” He called me back minutes later and I told him that I wanted to come by to ring in his birthday with him since it was almost midnite. He told me to come by and when he came downstairs we spent an hour just walking and talking just like we used to when we were tight. We have the best conversations because I am great at asking questions and he is so smart that he usually has answers for me. It was kinda weird just hanging with him again after all this time.
I am not attracted to him at all, I just miss the intellectual conversation and the way we used to laugh. I told him that I miss who we used to be but I understand why it’s important not to go back. I don’t want to go back to what we had. I don’t want to be that person who does so much and when its time for me to have my needs met, however silly he may think they are, he doesnt care.
But I’m glad I went to see him and bless him for his birthday. I still believe in his success and I will be a fan of his forever I guess.
I realize it is my overwhelming desire to be loved that pushes me to attach myself to men who have never been loved. I try to give them what I wish I had in my life which is also the very thing that they have never had. I love them so hard and so devotedly that they take it as a weakness. They want someone to give them what they believe they deserve, which is to be criticized and hurt. Here I am, giving them all this love and acceptance and support and they don’t believe they deserve it so they hate me for giving it so unconditionally.
I can’t say I hate men. I don’t. I just don’t trust or believe that any of them could possibly deserve the type of love and support that I have to offer. I will probably give it again when I meet someone who is sad because he has not had any real love in his life, and he’ll probably be mean to me and take advantage of me like the rest. The crazy part is, I don’t mind. I’m the queen of getting over a heartbreak and being hurt. I know how to heal. The only thing I have not experienced in a relationship is being liked for who I am and being loved in return for the type of love I give. But since I’ve never gotten any of that, I really don’t know what I’m missing.
Today I’m going to spend the entire day working on my web projects. I uploaded a new video to youtube last nite and I am working on an article that will change the way you think about prayer. If I put my whole heart into developing my brand and continuing to be an encouragement to others even though I know I have my own issues, maybe something new will happen. Maybe my luck willl change and I will become that woman that I want to be. A woman who is a good Mom and can take great care of herself.
I think of my friend Tonya’s mom who has never been married and she seems so satisfied with life. It reminds me of Albert Ellis’s theory of irrational beliefs which states that some of the things we desire and claim are MY RIGHT are really irrational. Like, it is irrational to believe that you deserve to experience romantic love. Who said it was your RIGHT to have that? I guess he was trying to convince us that we have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to achieve or experience certain things. Once we do this, then the weight of not having what we want will be lifted and we can accept and enjoy life as it is. Im still working on digesting this theory along with the other theories I have studied and enjoy. I do hope to come up with a system of counseling, of therapy, that will really help people to change their perception about life.
Yeah…I’m a wounded healer. But there’s nothing else I can do but to keep learning and growing and trying to help others heal.
Posted on

God Doesn’t Listen

I can’t sleep. There is a dominant vibration in my aura that tells people to keep away. I wonder why Im like that.

Today I went to my friend’s birthday barbeque and there were a bunch of his friends and family there. I am annoyed when men I don’t know try to get my phone number and chat me up at parties so I prayed before I left. I said, “Lord, please don’t let any of these men try to holla at me.”
Maybe God doesnt listen to me anymore because they were taking their chances. It offends me. I feel like a slut when men stare at me. I wore a long dress, all the way to the floor. It wasn’t form fitting. I don’t get it. I feel like I’m a fucking object to them, like a piece of steak or something.
The guy whose birthday it was…well, we know each other from UF so a lot of the people there were Gators. The food was great. I sat with my guy friend’s sister, mom and uncle for most of the evening because I was so dissappointed when I first got there and this dude just jumped in my face and tried to monopolize my time.
I hate when they do that. It offends me because….why do you think I want to talk to you? Oh this was a live one, he made sure to mention that he had been in Paris for 5 years and that he owns so many properties and a loft in Paris and how he got this degree from NYU and blah blah. He even grabbed my keys! He tried to play it off like he was looking at my keychain light but I know he was trying to see the emblem on my car key ring. I don’t like him already. I kinda feel like I hate him. I am looking forward to hearing from him so I can hurt his dumb ass feelings.
How dumb is that? I hate that. I hate that. And it’s not because I feel like I don’t measure up- get it straight, no Beemer or diamond could ever match the value of my love and my support and my intellect…its just that- why the fuck u judging me like that? You looking at my car keys. You asking my age and my educational background. You ticking off your requirements sir? Get outta here! I do not fit into your little mold dumb ass. I am not gonna cook or clean for you at all. I won’t even try. I do not define my worth by three letters before my name nor do I feel like marriage is a highly anticipated benchmark decision in a persons life. And I dont wanna be your wife! I’m not chasing a WEDDING RING! shit.
I am not looking forward to getting married. I just feel like people place too much pressure on that shit. Whenever I see a married couple Im like, “Dang you’re stuck in that shit until some drama pops off.”
Wow. You know what I really think it is…I am not looking forward to making anymore mistakes with men. I am not looking forward to being used and disrespected again. I think back on the relationships with men that I have developed this year alone…and I never want a repeat performance of any of that. ANy of it. I would have been better off alone in my room crying and blogging about being lonely than to have those kind of experiences.
My sister says she wants to come see me soon. I’m like WHY? She just being nosey. She dont give a fuck about me. My Mama neither. The only friends that do are Tamara and Mimi and Sylvia.
I’m feeling lonely tonite and its mainly because I’m by myself. LOL! That was funny….
I’m by myself and I don’t know what to do next in my career. My internet show is being put on hiatus AGAIN. I’m tryingt o believe that anothe ropportunity is going to come up so I can take it but I’m also wondering if my problem is I don’t stick it out and work through the problems in my career.
Look at my experiences- all of them I walk away if I don’t get things just the way I want them. You know why? Cuz I give my gift and my loyalty to people in the way they value and I expect the same in return. Am I supposed to stick it outand just wait and wait for someone else to tell me to move on or do I follow my own intuition? My intuition is telling me it’s time to do something different but that “something different” hasn’t materialized yet so I don’t know.
I want one of these projects to last. I want a consistent creative project that I enjoy doing which is financially lucrative and allows me to express my ability to create and organize.
I don’t see how any of the shit I want to happen…could ever happen.
But I’m just going to keep trying anyway. I don’t know what else to do. Nothing is working for me.
Posted on

Considering

I just got home from work. My back is hurting so much. But man I swear, I love being a server. I dont know whats going on with my phone. It wont keep a charge so I cant use it. Then my sister gave me her old phone and now THAT won’t keep a charge either. I dont mind being phoneless though, but why am I paying a bill for a phone I cant use? Metro PCS…u ain’t working me right!

Yesterday I picked up my little sister and we went out window shopping in Ft. Lauderdale and saw some really cute accessories and makeup for the low. I didn’t spend any money because my money is dedicated to renewing my tag, which expired on my birthday. But I have parking tickets and shit on it so I have to come up with the money to pay all of that before I can renew. ~sigh~
My rent here is WAYY higher than my last place so I don’t have the funds I used to have. But at least its cuter here and more private.
After my sister and I went window shopping, we came back here and took a walk around my neighborhood and explored some. We found some tight ass boots for $40 and I can’t WAIT to buy them.
Otherwise…I’m just trying to focus on what to do next. I put a lot of pressure on myself because I feel like I have so much potential yet I have not realized any of my goals. Well, yes I have, I just..I don’t see the FRUIT of all I’ve done just yet and it frustrates me.
I’m seriously considering stopping my show to pursue my writing further. I really want to work on my next book but I never even got the first one published so I’m not sure that’s a smart idea. I also want to go to blogtalk radio and do great interviews about successful relationships and why they work. I think it would be a great experience for me to actually study GOOD LOVE. Such the opposite of what I experience with men, it delights me to hear stories about women in good relationships.
It also kinda makes me jealous. All day long I’m waiting tables and watching couples giggle and laugh and kiss and just…love on each other and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. LOL!
I’m laughing but not really. I have class tomorrow. I need to finish my readings before then.
I am hopeful this evening…and tired…and hungry…and kinda lonely but…I’ll get over it.
Posted on

ALL I NEED


I dont know what happened last night during my sleep but I woke up feeling different.

The first thoughts in my mind when I woke up were, maybe you can change your dream. Why do you need the talk show, the fame and fortune? Is it necessary? Is it REALLY necessary. Maybe it was only necessary because you felt you needed to prove to yourself that you are loved.
Maybe my desire to be loved by millions was a subconcious desire to be loved…period.
Maybe I can just…graduate from grad school and…get a job as a counselor and write my books and encourage others just the way I’ve been doing. Maybe all I really need is to….be able to take care of myself.
So…for now, I don’t need to be a public figure. I don’t need the Cover Girl Cosmetics contract. I dont need the talk show or the fans. I don’t need the big mansion with the drivers and full house staff. A personal chef and housekeeping service will do. Maybe I just need….to give my gift of encouragement, one person at a time. I think I could be satisfied by that.
Posted on

The Sane One

Yeah. I saw Kanye on the VMA’s actin up. Actually, it turned me on a little. What is it about rebellious ass, creative ass, hurting ass men that excites me? I don’t know. Maybe because I’m like that. After it happened, I couldnt log in to twitter or facebook without someone talking trash about him so I decided to send him some positive energy and I made this youtube video for him.

My new place is great for making videos. It’s quiet and the internet connection is pretty stable. I decided to take my youtube channel to a new level and add personal updates about the issues that I am facing. I hope you guys will watch and comment and discuss as I reveal all the things I reveal right here on this blog…for a new audience. And no…I’m not gonna sugarcoat anything so get ready! Take the time to subscribe if you have an account, you won’t want to miss an episode.
~sigh~
I’m tired ya’ll. My whole body hurts. I’ve been losing weight like crazy from all of this running around I do at Red Lobster. My tips are getting better and today my manager said 3 of my guests came up to her and gave rave reviews of my service. I love being a server, I just wish I could go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed because there has to be an infection in there, my breath smells HORRIBLY on a regular basis. While I’m at work I have to eat lemons to cover up the smell but it doesnt always work. Man, if its not one thing its another with me. Remember when “down there” used to overheat when I got excited or nervous and this FUNK would rise up like a BIG RED FLAG? Well, for some reason, when I moved back to Florida I didnt have that problem anymore. But now, I have to tackle my teeth and oral hygiene. yes, I brush everyday and do mouthwash but I really need to see a dentist and get my teeth fixed. I would be a perfect 10, in my eyes, if I could do that.
Tamara called me on some emotional shit this morning which made ME emotional because I hate to see her like that. It seems that she’s taking on some of my PARANOID characteristics and it frightens me. We BOTH can’t be paranoid! She’s the sane one! I want my old friend back.
“Tamara,” I told her. “I think we need to seperate as friends or something because you’re starting to act like me and that’s not cute. Let ME be the crazy one. Please. We need a break. I don’t like this.”
Yeah right. Tamara ain’t having that. No matter how mad we get at each other, which is RARE as hell, probably about 2 times throughout our entire 16 year friendship, we always have to call back because there’s too much to share.
After hearing that song by Tres whatever…the LOL *smiley face* song, I really like it by the way, I felt a hunger to get a text message like that. I’m still not having secks and havent in a while, and I’m still boyfriendless and even guyfriendless. No one is calling my phone trying to see me. That kinda sucks. I guess its my fault cuz I cursed them all out and now even DEEP doesnt call anymore. I miss him even though I hate his ass. I miss him and hate him at the same time but I know he’ll be alright and one day we’ll talk again. I’m not doing my internet talk show anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with me these days but all I’m feeling is– SIT DOWN.
I feel like sitting down but I don’t know how. ANd by sitting down I mean to stop pressuring myself to be and do everything all at once. That is sooo not me..but I guess its the new me because I always follow my feelings and pushing and pushing and trying to fit into the entertainment industry down here didn’t feel right anymore.
I offered to let my DJ take my show’s time slot and do his own thing. Now all we have to do is get the producer of my show to agree and then my DJ will have a platform to promote his vision. DEEP was so pissed off at me that he was saying I’m dumb for walking away and all kind of mess. That’s when I told him to never call me again. This time he listened.
And I miss him so much. But what can I do now.
I’m tired…I want to sleep…Maybe that’s what I’ll do.
Posted on

Random Stuff

So it’s like 2 in the morning and I can’t sleep because after work I ate a big meal and fell out. I woke up at 9pm, talked to my all my friends and then…sat here trying to figure stuff out.

Tomorrow is kind of an exciting day for me because I get to speak at one of our local colleges at the invitation of an old college buddy who teaches there. Why sh
e’s so supportive of me and confident in my abilities is beyond me…I’m just grateful to be given the opportunity to do what I love to do most…share and inspire. And she thinks I’m the one doing HER a favor…LOL!
Work has been going great! In fact, we just had a party last nite celebrating our high ranking in the region. My GM is so proud! She’s so funny too! She makes me laugh when I see her. Everyone loves her but agree that she is TOUGH. As long as she speaks to me in a calm tone, we’ll be alright. I don’t mind grinding it out at work.
Ya’ll know what’s cool? My co workers told me that they like me and are glad I’m working there. Isn’t that sweet? Like..I feel so good about that! I don’t do anything special but be myself… It’s good to be liked…
School is going okay so far. I’m nervous because I’m not a good student and I don’t really…care that much about grades but I’m just hoping that somehow I get through this program.
I love my bestfriend Tamara. Like…the relationship we have is so amazing. She seeks to understand where I’m coming from, even if she doesn’t agree. I love her for that.
I hate to write this over and over again and Im sure I’ll get over it but I miss DEEP. I don’t answer his texts when he messages me because I don’t like the way he talks to me sometimes but I miss him so much. He was like my bestfriend and stuff. Like..we did everything together and enjoyed every minute of it. At least I did.
Today I got off work, logged into facebook and had to curse this man out for trying to holla at me. I deleted him and he sent me a message saying, “I didn’t realize how baldheaded your ass was!” How immature! Then I cried because I’m just tired of every man sweating me all the time. I already know how its gonna turn out. When I have a need, they’re not gonna be there to help. Its always all about them and their goals and me supporting them. Tired of it. tired.
~sigh~
I feel like every man who meets me is offering me some dick. While I definitely want some…I don’t want it like that. I don’t know how I want it….but not from some guy I don’t even find attractive and only sees my body and wants me because of the way I look.
This man invited me to the beach this weekend and I really do like talking to him and he’s fine and all but in my mind I keep thinking, “He just wanna fuck.”
Well, I wanna fuck too but…I don’t know…man. I am so paranoid.
I miss DEEP. I wish he liked having secks. I wish he understood how important it was to be gentle with me. I wish he had a job. I wish he was affectionate. I wish he was attracted to me. I miss our friendship. But its gone.
I miss Tamara. I miss Mimi. I don’t miss Kim because I’m over hearing her say, “I’m gonna be a Mom dawg. Can u believe it?” Yes, I believe it hoe. You say it every time we speak. ~smile~
Sylvia just had a death in her family and she had to fly to Dallas for the funeral and she’s not feeling well. I wish she had more friends around her. She’s in nursing school right now and I really hope all of her dreams come true.
I wish your dreams come true too. Mine have…kinda. Everything I want to happen…happens. And I’m more peaceful than I used to be since I’ve realized, “Everything doesn’t have to happen RIGHT NOW!”
I even love my baby daddy!
Aint that some shit?!!!
I miss my kids…
THis guy is bringing me food. Isn’t that nice? ~rolls eyes~ I guess I’ll give him a hug in return. Let me go get ready to meet him.
Later.