Never That

I am sitting on my porch and I’m being bitten by mosquitoes. Someone called me and told me that mosquitoes would rather bite a stressed person than a relaxed one. Guess I’m caught, huh?

Why am I stressed? Well, I’m not stressed over a place to live because I moved into a tiny studio in Hollywood, Florida last nite. My brothers were upset. They didn’t want me to leave but I can’t be around someone else’s kids while mine are not with me. That didn’t feel right. Plus…I wanted to be naked and masterbate sometimes. Plus, I know my biological father is going to come back to the house this month and I sure didn’t want to be there when he got there.
I tried discussing my angst over my inability and disinterest in getting to know and/or loving their (our) father. They kept repeating, “If it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t be here.”
So? Am I supposed to do cartwheels because he screwed my Mama while she was a teenager and he was a grown ass, married ass man with a baby on the way already? And it doesn’t help that everytime I come around he’s on some “I’m Your Daddy, do what I say!” shit. Puhleease!
I cursed his ass out in 2005. That’s the last time I saw him. And I really didn’t care. Now I feel guilty about not feeling guilty about not going to see him while he’s in the hospital. I still don’t care. I probably care a little because he’s someone I know, but honestly he’s not someone I respect. Am I supposed to love and respect him because he told me to? Or maybe because he got my Mama pregnant? Is that all there is to it?
And the weird thing is…I love my brothers and my sister. I really do care about them and want to be a part of their lives—Just not him.
I don’t think he deserves to call me his daughter. He only skeeted for me, he didn’t father me. My Stepfather did and he fucked me up. Men…boy I tell u. How come I have 2 wonderful boys when the world is filled with assholes just trying to grab what they can until you are sore from hurting from helping their trifling asses?
Will I ever meet a man who, when he leaves, I feel a huge gap in my life? GEESH! I’m trying to enjoy my new place and my sons are fast asleep and I’m happy they are here but all I keep thinking about is the fact that I’m not being a good enough PERSON because I won’t just jump in and run into his arms and call him Daddy and say I LOVE YOU DADDY! LMAO!
That was too funny!
never that….

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