I can’t sleep. There is a dominant vibration in my aura that tells people to keep away. I wonder why Im like that.
Today I went to my friend’s birthday barbeque and there were a bunch of his friends and family there. I am annoyed when men I don’t know try to get my phone number and chat me up at parties so I prayed before I left. I said, “Lord, please don’t let any of these men try to holla at me.”
Maybe God doesnt listen to me anymore because they were taking their chances. It offends me. I feel like a slut when men stare at me. I wore a long dress, all the way to the floor. It wasn’t form fitting. I don’t get it. I feel like I’m a fucking object to them, like a piece of steak or something.
The guy whose birthday it was…well, we know each other from UF so a lot of the people there were Gators. The food was great. I sat with my guy friend’s sister, mom and uncle for most of the evening because I was so dissappointed when I first got there and this dude just jumped in my face and tried to monopolize my time.
I hate when they do that. It offends me because….why do you think I want to talk to you? Oh this was a live one, he made sure to mention that he had been in Paris for 5 years and that he owns so many properties and a loft in Paris and how he got this degree from NYU and blah blah. He even grabbed my keys! He tried to play it off like he was looking at my keychain light but I know he was trying to see the emblem on my car key ring. I don’t like him already. I kinda feel like I hate him. I am looking forward to hearing from him so I can hurt his dumb ass feelings.
How dumb is that? I hate that. I hate that. And it’s not because I feel like I don’t measure up- get it straight, no Beemer or diamond could ever match the value of my love and my support and my intellect…its just that- why the fuck u judging me like that? You looking at my car keys. You asking my age and my educational background. You ticking off your requirements sir? Get outta here! I do not fit into your little mold dumb ass. I am not gonna cook or clean for you at all. I won’t even try. I do not define my worth by three letters before my name nor do I feel like marriage is a highly anticipated benchmark decision in a persons life. And I dont wanna be your wife! I’m not chasing a WEDDING RING! shit.
I am not looking forward to getting married. I just feel like people place too much pressure on that shit. Whenever I see a married couple Im like, “Dang you’re stuck in that shit until some drama pops off.”
Wow. You know what I really think it is…I am not looking forward to making anymore mistakes with men. I am not looking forward to being used and disrespected again. I think back on the relationships with men that I have developed this year alone…and I never want a repeat performance of any of that. ANy of it. I would have been better off alone in my room crying and blogging about being lonely than to have those kind of experiences.
My sister says she wants to come see me soon. I’m like WHY? She just being nosey. She dont give a fuck about me. My Mama neither. The only friends that do are Tamara and Mimi and Sylvia.
I’m feeling lonely tonite and its mainly because I’m by myself. LOL! That was funny….
I’m by myself and I don’t know what to do next in my career. My internet show is being put on hiatus AGAIN. I’m tryingt o believe that anothe ropportunity is going to come up so I can take it but I’m also wondering if my problem is I don’t stick it out and work through the problems in my career.
Look at my experiences- all of them I walk away if I don’t get things just the way I want them. You know why? Cuz I give my gift and my loyalty to people in the way they value and I expect the same in return. Am I supposed to stick it outand just wait and wait for someone else to tell me to move on or do I follow my own intuition? My intuition is telling me it’s time to do something different but that “something different” hasn’t materialized yet so I don’t know.
I want one of these projects to last. I want a consistent creative project that I enjoy doing which is financially lucrative and allows me to express my ability to create and organize.
I don’t see how any of the shit I want to happen…could ever happen.
But I’m just going to keep trying anyway. I don’t know what else to do. Nothing is working for me.