It’s Saturday afternoon and I just woke up. I was up late last night visiting my biological father. I called him to get my sister’s number and he asked me to bring him some cigarettes so I did. On my way over there I was feeling bad. Just bad that I am attached to this man and I don’t want to be.
He annoys me to no end and I really don’t care if I ever see him again or not. When I got there I asked him to come talk to me and we went and sat inside his RV. I told him exactly how I felt about him and he was acting all hurt talking about, “I want you to be my daughter and I want you to love me.”
I was like, “So?” I explained to him that just because he screwed my Mama doesn’t make him my father. He sounded so sincere but in my heart I know he was only saying what he needs to say to get what he wants. I learned a lot about that from DEEP and the other guy who ended up lieing to me.
Guys will say whatever they have to to get what they want. No dice on this end.
“Well,” he said. “If you won’t be my daughter and call me your Dad, can we at least be friends?”
“OK,” I said, honestly meaning that I will give him the chance to earn my respect. But it’s gonna take a while because I think he’s a disgusting old man and I would NEVER introduce him to anyone I know. Never.
How does he get to miss out on the hard part of raising me and then come claim all the glory at the end cuz I’m beautiful and smart and driven and talented? None of that has anything to do with him. I roll my eyes everytime he brags to someone about me. Bitch, you ain’t got nothing to do with anything about me. In fact, if I HAD known you I would probably be way more fucked up than I am now.
I left there feeling relieved that I at least said my piece. As I was driving up 95 back to my house, I thought of DEEP and looked at the clock. It read 11:29. I called him up but he didn’t answer so I texted him. “I was trying to come see you now.” He called me back minutes later and I told him that I wanted to come by to ring in his birthday with him since it was almost midnite. He told me to come by and when he came downstairs we spent an hour just walking and talking just like we used to when we were tight. We have the best conversations because I am great at asking questions and he is so smart that he usually has answers for me. It was kinda weird just hanging with him again after all this time.
I am not attracted to him at all, I just miss the intellectual conversation and the way we used to laugh. I told him that I miss who we used to be but I understand why it’s important not to go back. I don’t want to go back to what we had. I don’t want to be that person who does so much and when its time for me to have my needs met, however silly he may think they are, he doesnt care.
But I’m glad I went to see him and bless him for his birthday. I still believe in his success and I will be a fan of his forever I guess.
I realize it is my overwhelming desire to be loved that pushes me to attach myself to men who have never been loved. I try to give them what I wish I had in my life which is also the very thing that they have never had. I love them so hard and so devotedly that they take it as a weakness. They want someone to give them what they believe they deserve, which is to be criticized and hurt. Here I am, giving them all this love and acceptance and support and they don’t believe they deserve it so they hate me for giving it so unconditionally.
I can’t say I hate men. I don’t. I just don’t trust or believe that any of them could possibly deserve the type of love and support that I have to offer. I will probably give it again when I meet someone who is sad because he has not had any real love in his life, and he’ll probably be mean to me and take advantage of me like the rest. The crazy part is, I don’t mind. I’m the queen of getting over a heartbreak and being hurt. I know how to heal. The only thing I have not experienced in a relationship is being liked for who I am and being loved in return for the type of love I give. But since I’ve never gotten any of that, I really don’t know what I’m missing.
Today I’m going to spend the entire day working on my web projects. I uploaded a new video to youtube last nite and I am working on an article that will change the way you think about prayer. If I put my whole heart into developing my brand and continuing to be an encouragement to others even though I know I have my own issues, maybe something new will happen. Maybe my luck willl change and I will become that woman that I want to be. A woman who is a good Mom and can take great care of herself.
I think of my friend Tonya’s mom who has never been married and she seems so satisfied with life. It reminds me of Albert Ellis’s theory of irrational beliefs which states that some of the things we desire and claim are MY RIGHT are really irrational. Like, it is irrational to believe that you deserve to experience romantic love. Who said it was your RIGHT to have that? I guess he was trying to convince us that we have to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to achieve or experience certain things. Once we do this, then the weight of not having what we want will be lifted and we can accept and enjoy life as it is. Im still working on digesting this theory along with the other theories I have studied and enjoy. I do hope to come up with a system of counseling, of therapy, that will really help people to change their perception about life.
Yeah…I’m a wounded healer. But there’s nothing else I can do but to keep learning and growing and trying to help others heal.