This video made me touch myself. Damn…
You Sit and You Write…and Write
Ok.. So I just finished doing 3 hours worth of interviews for my SL Blog.
I PROMISE you, I enjoy doing this so much that it actually makes me want to cry just thinking about all that I’m learning and the fact that I get to be the first person to put together a professional representation and record of the Black Community in SL.
Every person I meet and talk with about my project thanks me profusely for doing this and they say they wish they had done it but wanted it so badly. It feels great to be able to fill a need for an entire community.
That’s what makes my writing worthwhile. Those emails that come in and say, “I’m reading and I thank you for speaking for me and to me.”
Ya’ll. That’s why I do this. That’s why I do this for free. The payment I get is…when someone else feels validated because their work or their story has been recognized.
I feel so grateful to be me right now. I know I’m not where I should be, or could be or where my Mama wants me to be, but shit..my sons are great, I’m well fed, safe and happy. I get to do my thang on the internet AND I get to go to school to learn how to help myself and others have better relationships.
~shakes head~
I’m pretty grateful right now.
I went out on a date tonight. I didn’t want to go at first. I met this man about a week ago at the grocery store. There is nothing about him that appeals to me. He looks like every other bald headed, dark skinned dude in his late 30’s that runs after me. But he calls and he’s so respectful and sweet. I never am excited to hear from him. I guess that’s the INNER ME screaming, “Please don’t let him be the only man who is nice to me.”
He’s been asking to take me out everyday and tonight I finally said okay. I didn’t let him pick me up, I told him I’d meet him at the movies. We met there and I was kinda mean, I didn’t smile at him or anything which I could tell made him uncomfortable.
To be polite I asked him what he does for a living and he said, “I’m a cameraman for channel **”. I shook my head. It’s the same station I “interned” for when I first came back to Miami. So I started naming other writers and producers there and he was shocked. I told him that I was a student but I didnt tell him that I was a journalist.
“Next time you want to stop by, let me know and I’ll introduce you around again,” he said.
“Sure, how about Monday.” I replied. “I need a job.”
We chatted a little during the movie and I felt more comfortable with him, but still not attracted to him. After the movie I told him thanks for inviting me and he said he enjoyed himself and we walked away, no big deal.
It wasn’t so bad.
I hope he never tries to touch me.
Ok..Ok..back to my writing. Being a writer is a lonely world. You sit and you think and you write.
That’s it.
I wish..hugging was a part of that process too.
I really need one.
The What If Game?
Today is such a beautiful day that I had to sit down and play the What If game…
Care to join me?
What if everything you wanted…came to you easily, under grace in perfect ways?
Then that would mean…
I’d be moving into my new home in Miami Shores in a few weeks by some miraculous way. It would be even nicer than my previous home which would blow my mind because my old place was the nicest place that I’ve seen since I’ve been back here.
It would be so cool if, instead of a go to the office job I got a grant or some kind of contract that gave me enough money to work from home. I met a man on SL the other day and he gets PAID to develop his virtual city and market it and speak about it from a educational perspective. Wouldn’t that be so cool if that happend to me?
Wouldn’t it be just great if my boys and I could walk into the book store and see my books on the shelves? Wouldn’t it be just fantastic if somehow, I started making even better youtube videos and someone somewhere saw it and decided that I should have my own show?
Wouldn’t it be crazy if..don’t laugh at me..but wouldn’t it be crazy if there actually WERE a man out there named Steve who happened to be everything that I imagined him to be and he was crazy about me?! LOL! He’d spoil me and pamper me and then turn around and make sure that no one ever fucked with me. He’d care so much about my happiness and welfare that it would be his priority. He’d LIVE to see me content and taken care of. LOL!
And what about..this is too much fun..what if I really did get to the point where my work and my writing and my vision earned me enough respect where instead of having to go to school for a doctorate, I was given an honorary doctorate?
And hey…what if, you know I used to want to be an AKA right? What if they made me an honorary AKA because of all of my contributions to literature and society?
What if my boys never, ever experience any of the things that I feared would happen? What if they grow up to be fine young men and are aware of the mistakes their father and I made so they are careful not to repeat them?
What if…I met Kanye, right and he asked me to spit poetry on his next album? And what about…Oprah asking me, no BEGGING me, to write her official autobiography…That would be cool.
What if I became the next HOT thing in journalism and my work started receiving awards because of its uniqueness? What if all these seeds I am planting by being positive and supporting others came right back to me and I was BLOWN AWAY by the fruits?
What if I was able to walk up to my Mama and say, “I’m remodeling your house for you.” And then walk up to my Stepfather and say, “Ok, here’s your check, you don’t have to work anymore.”
What if…all my dreams came true, the positive ones anyway?
What if thy aren’t really dreams at all? What if they are God’s way of communicating to me, what kind of future he has in store for me?
What if?
Life Is Like…
I went to see my Mama tonight and we watched a couple of movies and had a drink together.
It was so good to see her..until..she turned to me and smiled and said, “I am so happy you don’t live here anymore! Now me and your Daddy can walk around naked, everything swinging in the breeze!”
~raises eyebrows~
I mean…I’m glad she’s happy but…she ain’t got to be THAT happy! Dang…
~shakes head~
We watched a movie called Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, or something like that. Martin Lawrence was the star and it was sooo funny!
The only thing was…it made me feel kind of bad as I checked my motives for wanting the type of success that I want. Am I like RJ, who is running away from his past trying to prove something to himself and his family?
I don’t know.
All I know is..I’ve always had these extremely high expectations for myself and I had no idea that it would take this long for my dreams to come true. I also had no idea that I would be going through so many obstacles and still trying to believe that I AM WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS.
Crazy, huh?
~sigh~
I guess Forrest Gump was right…Life is like….
Steve’s Birthday Surprise
My phone rings and it’s Tamara, my bestfriend from high school.
“Hey Prince!” I say.
“Hey, Tee! What you doing?”
“Girl, I’m sitting here waiting for Steve to pick me up,” I reply. “He says he has a birthday surprise for me.”
“Oooh! Go Tee! Go Tee!” she sings. “But wait, your birthday isn’t for another week.”
“I know, but he said this is the pre-birthday surprise. Prince, he’s so nice to me.”
“That’s what you always said you wanted, Tee.”
“I know but it’s scary to have what you always wanted. I keep thinking that he doesn’t mean it or that he’s trying to trick me. I keep preparing myself for the day when he changes his mind like JB did or meets someone else like my BBDD. So it’s like…I enjoy it, but I’m still on guard, waiting for him to decide he doesn’t like me anymore.”
The phone is silent.
“I’m sorry, Prince,” I say. “I just…I’m scared sometimes because I feel like I can trust him to be my friend but then again my head is telling me to prepare for him to leave.”
“Just chill, Tee. Enjoy it for what it is.”
“I know. Alright chick. Lemme go, here he is.”
“Have fun! Send me pictures!”
I walk out of my dorm room wearing my white princess sundress with silver sandals. Steve is standing beside his car looking like Carlton Banks. I swear, this man has more ‘looks’ than a fashion magazine.
“Happy early birthday,” he says and gives me a hug. I can tell he is holding something behind his back.
I step back and hold out my hand. “What you got for me?” I ask eagerly.
He produces a bouquet of…
“Baby breath?” I ask him.
“Look closer.”
I peer into the folds of the tissue paper and then I laugh. There’s one…two…three….four…
“Steve!”I screech. “You bought me a bouquet of GAS CARDS?!”
He grins.
I immediately start crying and he shakes his head at me and opens my door for me. I take out my phone and text Anna. Steve just bought me gas cards. Did you talk to him and tell him that’s what I love?
A minute later Anna texts back. LOL! Happy Birthday, dawg!
“Are you hungry?” Steve asks and adjusts his glasses.
“No, I had breakfast already. Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise, put this on,” he says and hands me a black cloth headband.
“Uh..This doesn’t match my outfit.”
“Use it as a blindfold, genius. Come on..It’s a surprise. We have 15 minutes to get there.”
I pull the headband over my hair and down to my eyes, peering suspiciously at him before covering my eyes completely.
“Here, listen to this,” he says and places an Ipod in my hand. I plug int he ear pieces and I squeal when I hear Jodeci crooning through the head set.
Lately, I’ve had the strangest feeling…..
Before I know it, the car stops and Steve helps me out asking me to leave the blindfold on and the ear pieces in.
He better not be taking me near no water because I just got my hair done, I think to myself. And he know I can’t swim.
“Trust me,” he whispers into my ear as though he can read my mind.
We go inside a building and then up an elevator. I can’t hear anything because R. Kelly is in my ear singing 12 Play.
He guides me inside a doorway and I bump my hand and then he sits me down. A couple of minutes later he pulls my hand and guides me through another doorway. We walk for a few feet and then he takes my hand and I hear a door close behind us.
“You ready?” he asks me. I can tell he is so excited.
“Yeah boy! Hurry up!”
He removes the ear pieces first and I hear silence. He then removes the blinfold. I’m confused as I look around the room.
The door opens again and a woman in a white coat pops her head in.
“Hello Ms. Tee. It’s nice to meet you. Your doctor will be right in for your annual check-up. Go ahead and get undressed and have a seat.”
I gasp.
“Steve?”
He smiles down at me but doesnt say a word.
“Steve? You brought me to see a doctor?”
My throat tightens up and I know I’m about to cry again. I have not been to a doctor in years. I haven’t had insurance. I’ve been praying for a chance to get a check-up and this man…for my birthday…he..he…
I’m bawling now.
He shakes his head at me.
“Waterhead. You gonna cry like that all day?”
I laugh. “Shut up! You know I have to release my emotions. I’m a Cancer. I appreciate this so much Steve. You have no idea.”
“Yes, I do. Now go ahead and get undressed. I have more planned for you today.”
The ‘more’ Steve mentioned, turned out to be the biggest, most excellent gift that I had ever gotten.
At 1pm in the afternoon, Steve and I walked into an office, hand in hand and sat down with…
A dentist.
He showed me books and plans and explained procedures.
Then he deep pressure cleaned my teeth and did some heavy work, fillin in a couple of cavities and pulling one tooth out.
I was slightly embarrassed but Steve didn’t seem to mind. He sat there texting or emailing or whatever he does when he’s on his phone.
My mouth was numb as we walked out together.
“And he says I can get them all straightened out with veneers after I finished getting the cavities filled! He’s gonna fix my chipped teeth too! I can’t believe it, Steve! My smile is gonna be PERFECT. Well, almost perfect because I want to keep my overbite but I want everything else to look way nicer!” I told him while holding a paper towel to my lip to catch the saliva dripping down my chin.
“You’re already beautiful, Baby Girl,” Steve says. “This is just gonna enhance it a little.”
As soon as we step into the car I decide to thank Steve…
I move toward him and give him a sloppy kiss on the lips and then my hand moves to his belt buckle.
“No.” he says firmly.
“What do you mean?”
“Tee. We’re not doing this now. I know you want to thank me, but you don’t always have to thank me with a sexual favor. That’s not why I’m with you. I here because I want to be.”
“What?”
“You ain’t a hoe, Tee. I didn’t pay for your time.”
“What the fuck you mean by that?”
“I’m sayin…Why is everything all about sex with you?”
“Cuz it is!” I pop my neck.
“No, it’s not. You’re not a sex machine. That’s not all you can do. Do something else.”
“Fuck you, if you got a problem with it, then don’t come around. I don’t beg you for shit. I’m doing this to please you.”
“Yeah, babe, but look. I pay attention and I do things that please you the way you like to be pleased. Yeah, I like head. Who doesn’t. But have you paid attention to how I really like to be pleased? If you stop thinking I’m some young cat with his brains in his balls, and really pay attention to how I like to be pleased, you’d see that all I want is, I just want to see you smiling and talking to me. I just want to hear your voice. That’s all I want. You don’t have to go all out with the whip cream and the acrobatics and shit all the time, Tee. You don’t have to try so hard.”
“I wanna go home,” I tell him.
He sighs. “I hate when you do that. You can tell me what you like and how you like it but when I tell you something, you ready to run.”
“Take me home,” I demand.
“I’m not finished with your birthday.”
“Fuck my birthday. Take me home!”
“You being a brat, right now. I’m not interested in this right now. Don’t play with me.”
“Take me home NOW!”
Steve clenched his jaw and his grip on the steering wheel tightened. I rolled my eyes at him and turned away, staring out the window. He doesn’t take me home, instead he drives me to my favorite place from high school: Captain Crabs.
I gasp. “Who told you about this?”
“I’ve been stalking you since you were 9.”
He orders a jumbo bucket of crab legs and I almost DIE when I smell the oily garlic as they hand the bucket to us.
“I’ma fuck this shit up!” I announce proudly.
Steve laughs. “Damn..you’re so different. I like that shit.”
“I bet you do. Where are we going to eat this?”
“This pier down the street,” he looks over at me and shakes his head. “You’re a trip you know that? A real BRAT. Sometimes I wanna…” he wrinkles his brow and shakes his head at me. “But then….you look at me with those eyes and man..I just wanna empty out my wallet in your lap.”
“So you’re saying all I gotta do is…look at you?” I laugh.
“You’re a gold digger…” he says and pinches my thigh, smiling over at me.
“Diamonds, baby. Diamonds. I’m worth it,” I say.
Feeling The Pressure
Wow.
I am really feeling the anxiety tonight. I set a goal for myself. I’d pull an all niter and get another chapter done. I’ve been staring at the blank page for an hour now and…nothing. This is crazy. When this happens, I’ll just step away from the computer and then relax. But I can’t tonight and I know why.
I’m putting way too much pressure on myself right now.
Shit..I remember when Tamara was about to turn 29 and she was freaking out about it. I never thought I would be doing it too. It’s not that I’m afraid to get older. I can’t wait to be 30, that sounds like a HOT age to me! It’s just…
I have so much to contend with right now. The rational part of me is saying, “Girl, chill out. You’re only 29. You have a long life ahead of you.” But the brat in me is saying, “Umm…what have you done with your first 29 years? What have you got to show for it? What have you accomplished? Where’s your fortune?”
Yeah..I know, I’m crazy..Well, tonight I am.
This sitting up in my room, making contacts, writing articles, planting seeds and trying to do my thing but not really seeing anything come out of it is bothering me.
But then…I just open up my email and click on any of the replies from many authors and successful business people that I have researched or contacted and they all say basically the same thing:
There will be disappointments, there will be setbacks and seeming failures. The only way to push through them is to know that they are all stepping stones to get to where you really want to be.
Ok, I’m gonna focus on that and open up this WORD document again.
~deep breath~
All Worn Out
I’m scared.
I have so much going on and I feel like I’m not in control of any of it.
I’m doing so much but I feel like I have so many pots on the stove, yet I have no idea what I’m making or even if this meal will be a real meal.
Who’s gonna eat it?
Hell.. I can’t even cook!
I’m so scared. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life or where I’m headed or if anything in my past has anything to do with my future and I feel like I’m all alone and I have to contend with my BBDD constantly trying to beat me up.
I study relationships, yet, I’m a failure when it comes to that area.
I’m supposedly a journalist, yet I don’t have a job in that field, I write for free for the most part.
I’m supposedly a mother, yet I can’t even take care of my children. What good am I?
I’m trying to see what I’ve done all this time.
I’m trying to understand where I’ve gone wrong and how I can make it better.
I’m trying to see if there really is a PATH I’m on or have I just been hopping from square to square.
WAIT!
Calm down…
Balance your thoughts. Do it now..
Ok.. ~panting~
I may not know what is about to happen but I know that it always works out.
I may not be able to take care of my sons but my sons love me anyway.
I may not be a staff journalist, but I am still a professional and I am good at what I do.
I may not be what I thought I was gonna be…but I’m alive and I have to keep living.
I may not have a place to live lined up for next semester, but I have a place to live right now.
I’m stronger than I think I am.
But damn..I’m tired of having to be so strong.
I want to relax and have fun sometimes too. I’m always hustling and trying to make a connection to further my career. I’m always trying to expand my portfolio. I’m always trying to make a difference in someone’s life.
I am…
Always…
Trying…
Trying…
And it’s wearing me out..
A Few Lessons
~sigh~
I’m feeling much better. ~laffs~
My monthly visitor showed up so…my PMS always go away when it does and today was a good drama free day.
I started out with a smile and was grateful for that. I spent the entire day doing internet networking, which means, randomly emailing people that I feel could provide me with tips on success or possible job opportunities. It’s not easy at all because once you come up with a person you think might be able to help you, you have to research their background and learn as much as you can about them before you contact them.
If the person is REALLY big-time, there’s no contact information for them on the net. If they aren’t, you’ll find their email easily. If there’s no direct contact information you have to be creative. If you know of the company they work for or the last company they worked for, you can contact the communications or PR department and ask for an email or phone number.
Once I was looking for a certain editor but couldn’t find his email anywhere. So I found a press release that mentioned him and I contacted the PR person who wrote the press release and asked her if she knew his contact info. She wrote me back with the information but asked me not to share how I found it.
Sometimes I’ll find a phone number to the company but it will be someone’s voice mail. So then I’ll go down the list calling all the numbers until I reach a real person. Like, if the number is 691-3533, then I’ll call 691-1000, 691-1001, 691-1002 until I get a live person and then ask for that person.
If you still can’t find the person, try the receptionist. If she can’t give you their number, then ask for her email address and write the email and ask her to forward it. This has worked for me in the past for a well known media mogul and she still keeps in touch with me to this day.
Yes, it takes some effort.
Then when you contact them you have to mention some of their successes and why their success inspires you. Then you ask them for advice on your career after sharing some of your goals.
I’d say about half the time, you will get a response. But if you don’t, keep trying.
The rest of the day was spent jotting down ideas for this chapter of my book and contacting sources for the current newspaper story I’m working on. One source gave me what I needed in 10 minutes, but the other still hasn’t contacted me yet. My editor is cool, she knows I’m trying so I’m not worried.
One of the authors that I contacted recently inspired me to get moving on my latest entrepreneural venture. After reading a little bit about my life and my internet adventures, she asked me if I could help out with her website and developing her web presence. I thought this must be fate because I had JUST developed a 10 point strategic plan to attract clients and help them to develop their web presence over a variety of web platforms that I am affiliated with. On one of my bios, I went so far as to say that I am an expert on building a powerful web presence.
Hey..I believe I can do it. Now all I have to do is attract clients who agree.
I love the internet!
I also spoke with dreamy Mr. Donovan Daniels today. Our convo was wild, we discussed some of his latest financial investments, the state of the economy and even dating. He is sooooo smart! I love asking him questions and hearing his passionate opinion. He just moved to Maryland, his job transferred him up there so now he’s even further away from Miami.
I learned a lesson today as well. Remember the man I went out with last weekend? Well, i was not nice to him simply because I was PMS’ing and I wasn’t attracted to him and I didn’t want him to be all over me. ~shrugs~ I had no business going out with him if I felt like that but I promised myself after the last guy, Luke, that I would give the next man who approached me more of a chance to learn who he is.
Anyway, I should have been nicer to him BEFORE i learned that he worked for the TV station that I was trying to get on with. Because I was so snotty, that man hasn’t called me and I never even saved his number in my phone before we went out so I don’t have his contact info to get back in touch with him.
Lesson learned: You never know who God is sending on your pathway. Be nice to everyone, because you never know how they could connect you with your dream.
My PostSecret
I have felt connected to the Post Secret Community since I first read about it. For a long time I thought to myself, Dang, you don’t have any secrets, but I can think of a few now… I’m learning photoshop so I’ll share them with you. It feels liberating to reveal your true heart.
Here’s my first one.
Hoping For a Byline
I got a reply back today from a writer who has a LONG list of credits on the net. She is a full-time freelancer and can SELL her shit across the board. She gave me specific advice about two publications that she has worked with, how to pitch them, what they are looking for, how other writers have gotten on.
As I did my research to become more familiar with the current topics that are being delivered, my confidence deflated a bit. I mean, I can write these little 3 sources, quotes drive the piece, type of stories, but I’ve never written a REAL story before. I mean one where it’s mostly MY voice explaining what’s going on and painting a picture. Sure, I’ve come up with creative leads and nice little anecdotes but I’ve yet to write a REAL story.
So I’m not sure how I can pitch myself. This is real writing. This isn’t the play play stuff I usually do.
I want to get my name on Salon.com It’s kind of a pinnacle for freelace writers.
I want to be on staff or a regular contributor to sites like MSN.com or About.com
These Black owned websites aren’t feeling me, they won’t give me a shot. I’m gonna try to break out of my mold and use my voice elsewhere and see how it goes. The caliber of writing is so much different and the subject matter is not so focused on the struggle of the Black community. Can I really do this?
We’ll see…
I mean, all I can do is try.
I need those bylines man.