My Personal Blog from 2003 to 2011
A Gentle Reminder From Ruby
If you know you are right, stay the course even though the whole world seems to be against you and everyone you know questions your judgment. When you prevail-and you eventually will if you stick to the job-they will all tell you that they knew all along you could do it.” Napoleon Hill: Yesterday and Today
Thank you, friend. I love you too.
Tee
Sometimes…
I don’t know if this is worth it.
But I don’t know any other way to make it.
Growing up I was so smart, so talented..so personable..so friendly. Then the real world hit and I fell into a pit.
They say the type of dream I have..has a lofty price. I’m paying it right now. And I’m paying it double. My kids are paying for it too.
I’m finally out of corporate america. I hope never to return. Whatever it is that ya’ll have in you to succeed in that type of atmosphere is not in me. It’s just not… While I regain my spiritual connection…which was lost in translation somehow…I ask you to refrain from chastising me when you gotta know that for me to give up a steady check, BENEFITS and a chance to do what I LOVE to do..something must have been misaligned.
Thinking on it, I felt the peace leave me weeks ago. But instead of leaving with it, I stayed and tried to adjust. I hung on hording my satisfaction like manna from heaven, until the time changed and it turned into maggots and began to overwhelm me.
Always follow your peace. And when it goes out the door, you should go too. In any relationship, if you’re embracing someone and they are not embracing you back, don’t blame the other person for the pain. It’s you. You’re abusing yourself by continuing to hold on to them.
So as I left I turned around and blessed them all. Taking 3 steps back and looking at the whole picture. What do they produce? A radio show that brings laughter and fun to millions. A foundation that helps so many people receive the education that will empower them to prosper. Fun events that allow our people to celebrate themselves for once, forgetting about the worries of the world. This company produces MAGIC. I can’t hate on that. I just…wasn’t cut out for that type of giving.
So now I sit… I freaked out a bit, allowing myself the opportunity to cry and whine and throw a pity party about why everytime I work for someone else’s company, I get the same results.
And then I got up, wiped my tears and started planning. I’m not leaving Dallas just yet. I like it here and that’s really weird but..I believe there’s a reason for me being here outside of that job I had.
The hardest part of this all is knowing I have no choice in the matter. If I “give up”, what do I have to give up and run to? I have no home. What do I say to my boys when I see them and I have no home for them to come to? I’ve already lied to them. Remember I told them I was going away to Georgia to “check it out” and that I’d be back for them.
But things didn’t work out in Georgia. And things didn’t work out in Houston either. Now I’m here in Dallas and I’m not sure if they are even waiting for me to come back anymore. I pray that they will forgive me because none of this was in the plans.
My profile on that Enneagram thing says that 4’s are always waiting for someone to rescue them. Ain’t that the truth, Ruth! That would be soo nice right now…
But back to my reality. I’m on the hunt for a job. Not a profession, cuz I realize with my work ethic, no company will embrace me. EVERY boss that I’ve had, with the exception of the publisher in Houston and the publisher in Miami, have all chastised me for doing too much.
All the while I’m thinking, “I can’t wait to be working for myself so no one will be counting the hours I put in.”
Where’s my breakthrough? Is it coming?
Tamara doesn’t doubt me.
Ruby said to me, “You always make the right decision.”
Kim says, “By divine right, what is yours will be yours!”
In all sincerity, if the Lord grants me the fulfillment of my dreams, my mission is to make sure that I can connect as many people with their dreams as I can. Since no one (with influence & resources) sees fit to believe in me and support me as I give my gift, I HAVE to make it easier for others.
And I ask my sons for forgiveness for carrying this burden with me. May the generations that come behind them have a much easier load to bear.
Mama does love you…And she’s doing this..so she can take good care of you..Just like I always promised.
The Reality Is…
I can’t do this anymore…It’s been almost a year that I’ve been away from my children and I have nothing to show for it.
God..I know you hear me. I know you see my pain… Help me get back to my kids… I can’t do this anymore. I’m not as strong as I thought.
I can eat pancakes all day.
I can sleep in my car for weeks at a time.
I can go without secks and shopping…but…
This pain will eat me alive if I don’t receive love soon.
And my kids are the only ones who love me…
So I tried to do what you put in my heart to do. I followed your leads and I put myself in danger sometimes, trusting you. I’m gonna trust you again. And I ask that…you take this away from me and give it to someone else.
Let me be a Mama again.
Let me matter to someone’s life.
Feeling insignificant as I try to be a blessing to the world. Being rejected everywhere I go. Being abused and criticised for giving my all. No one loved me like my kids did. And I couldn’t even take good care of them.
Sometimes I wonder why you allowed that to happen. Why did you bless me like that by giving me jits only to dissappoint them?
With my hands I move like lightening, giving 150% to everything I do. But I’m tired. I’m tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I could die in this apartment and no one would care or even know until they smelled my rotting flesh floating through the ventilation system.
Who am I to be so arrogant to think that i could change the world and make it better? The world doesn’t want to be better. No one is trying to do the right thing. Everyone is out to get as much as they can and step on whoever they can to get it.
I thought I could try to make it by being righteous. But the thing is, I don’t know how to be any other way. You speak to my spirit. You move mountains for me.
Where are you now?
I don’t even know who I am anymore. All i know is…I’ve been fighting and holding on and believing for a dream.
A dream.
Why can’t I be regular? And go to a regular job and have a regular husband and a regular life?
Where are you now? You can’t call me because my cell is off.
Where are you now? Are you hiding under the pile of overdue bills on my counter?
Where are you now? Did you forget which apartment I live in? I asked you to come give me a hug and all I hear is…silence.
Ain’t no reward worth this type of pain and loneliness. This pain is piercing so deep that I’m blinded by the pain and I can ‘t even see the dream anymore.
I’m in a forest with no compass and no clothes. Something is scratching me. Something is biting me. I do a full turn and all I see are trees.
Which way is out because that’s where I’m headed?
I want out of this dream chasing and faith walking…
Turn on the light so I can see my way out.
Another Day, Another Day
My phone rang early this morning.
Thank God I can receive calls even though I can’t dial out.
It was my little sister, Teenie.
“Auntie Verna died this morning.”
“Huh?”
“They say her heart just stopped.”
“It just stopped?”
“It just..stopped.”
Man…
Every year for the last four years someone in my family has died.
I will do my part by writing the obituary and the copy (content) for the funeral program and my Mama will design the program and have it copied. Last year I stood at the door and handed out the copies and even read the obituary, which I called The Life Portrait during the funeral. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to the funeral this year.
Before my heart stops…I have to see my kids again. But the thing is, if I go down to Miami I know I won’t want to come back.
I’ve done my best during this past year to go for the gusto and I’ve followed God’s path for me. When one door shut, another opened and I fearlessly walked through. Do you remember when I used to be afraid to drive on the expressway? Seems so long ago huh? Now look at me…Thousands of miles away from Miami. From the only home I’ve ever had. I’m all by myself and I am not afraid. I am such a strong woman of faith. I can’t believe this is my life.
What will I gain from it all? When will I see the reward of my sacrifices? When will someone recognize my value? When will I get to show love again?
And most importantly…What am I doing wrong? You know..I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong I think it’s like TD Jakes said when I went to his church, he said that sometimes you are pushed toward God’s will for your life by uncomfortable circumstances.
Dallas..I don’t know why I like it here so much when there’s no love here.
Maybe Dallas is trying to push me away. I’m in love with a city that doesn’t love me. Sound familiar?
Ahhh…It’s the story of my life…. I’m always pushing and pulling, trying to make a spot for myself. People be looking at me like…We ain’t invite you in here? ~smile~
All I know is, there has to be a place for me somewhere. There has to be a place where I will be encouraged to give and grow and people won’t be intimidated or annoyed by my potential.
I have to figure this out…My channels of communication with God are clouded due to my emotional state. I think my period is coming on or something man… I need clarity. I need it now. I know it’s coming. I do trust and believe for my perfect answer in God’s perfect timing.
And…I know my family will be okay…
The Lord is My Shepherd,
He KNOW What I Want
In response to the poll I posted on the website called Your Celebrity Baby Daddy, Ruby sent me this photo from a GQ photo shoot with a note that read: You forgot one.
Hot damn…
~drooling~
Who is this?
~in a trance~ hummina…hummina…hummina…
If I turned over and saw THAT getting dressed in my bedroom in the morning, he wouldn’t make it out the doe!
ohh..Daddy…Yeah…
Mmm…Yeah Daddy…
As you can see… I’m feeling much better. Thank you for your prayers and well wishes…
Let’s crank up this imagination and get back on track to the Promised Land.
I’m In The Money
Yeah, I’m a risk taker. But I do have to eat. So I have decided to turn my passion into profit by exploring the many benefits of developing blog partnerships with advertisers. Hey…I’ve heard about bloggers who have quit their jobs after becoming successful with these tools. I may have put the camel before the horse, or is that the car before the horse? Whatever it was…I can’t live on passion alone so allow me to implement a new phase into my intense blogging regimine.
It’s called PayPerPost. Another blogger introduced me to it right on time. She is a devoted blog reader and says that she has watched as whole families have been set free from the obligation of working for someone else by using these tools. ads on blogs
I’ll do my Saturday Commercial Break regularly to see if this makes a difference in the fatness of my purse. I get paid $10 to write this little post. Sounds easy enough. I think I’ll take the money and buy some new eyeshadow to attract more guys which ultimately will attract more free lunches. It’s all about filling my belly folks! I do hope you enjoy the break from my emotional life story.
Always On Time
I slept so hard last night.
I’m sure it was due to the two glasses of wine that I downed in celebration of my life’s turn around. Dang…Life changes so quickly. If you had told me last Saturday morning that just one week later I would no longer be working at the website I would have slapped you for being blasphemous. ~SMACK~
I do miss it. I miss every single detail of every single part of my job. Yep, those duties I created for myself and those that were actually assigned were my complete joy. For God to lead me away from there only assures me that He has something greater in mind for me. And guess what? I know what it is! But I’ll tell you all about it another time.
This week held a period of serious low points for me following the demise of my cell phone. Without my lifeline to my cheerleaders and support group I was beaten down by negativity and doubt and fear. I had no food, except for the donation that someone gave me. I had no money to even go buy bread to make a pb&j sandwhich. And then my friend called me a QUITTER when I told her I left my job. That hurt so much. When I confronted her about it she said, “I was just telling you what everyone else is going to think.”
When did you or I ever care about what anyone else thinks? What matters is what we think of each other.
But I brushed her statement off because my other friends were celebrating my bold move.
“Tee,” Kenya told me. “For you to walk away from that job shows that you know what you are worth. It inspired me.”
But what could have stopped me from leaving once I knew that it wasn’t an environment that would be a positive support system for my growth?
Fear?
Fear of what?
Fear of homelessness? Sorry…I’ve done that already.
Fear of embarrassment? Wha? I have no shame.
Fear of starting over again? ~yawn~ I’m a pro at that. Each time I go right back at it armed with even more knowledge than before.
The Game of Life teaches that all fear is equated to faith in evil instead of good.
I remember how I used to have all kinds of nightmares about what my BBDD would do to hurt me and how he could plot schemes to see my destruction. My friends would propagate those fears by giving me warnings and scenarios, “Girl, watch out, he could be planning to…” Listening to them had me all wound up, giving him full power over my thoughts and affecting my reality.
Child please…My BBDD has no power over me. Even if he IS trying to hurt me in some way, God’s protection over my life won’t allow it and every harmful wish he sends my way will be hurled back into his own life with just as much venom. I took my power back when I stood up to the worriers in my life and told them, ” My BBDD has no power over me. PLEASE stop trying to warn me to watch our for what he can do. He can’t do anything without God’s permission.”
And they stopped. Which allowed me to place my faith in God’s divine favor instead of having faith that the evil of this world will overcome me.
I want a barbecue sandwhich.
Hey? Where did that come from? But doesn’t that sound nice?
God gave me the sweetest blessing yesterday as He assured me that He will grant every desire of my heart if I will only have unshakeable faith in Him. When I woke up yesterday morning, I woke up with a praise in my heart and thanked God for his provision.
I stayed up late the night before doing my budget and paying bills, paying off old speeding tickets and so forth. By the time I was done, I shook my head at what was left. I can either buy groceries or buy gas, either or.
But I smiled and reminded myself that God is my supply.
So I hopped on my computer to commence planning for the next leg of my journey. I was into it, loving every minute of tweaking the vision and preparing for success. I got an email from a homegirl in Ocala, she told me that her friend in Dallas had asked if I was doing okay.
“Tell him I’m hungry,” I wrote back quickly.
She wrote back, “If you’re serious I’ll call you and call him 3 way.”
“Hell yeah I’m serious.”
So they called and we chatted and I told him what area I lived in. We agreed to meet at a nearby restaurant. While I got dressed I said to myself and God, “I wish I didn’t have to sit with this man just to fill my belly. I wish he would just take me to the grocery store, that way I’ll have food for later.”
But I prepared to entertain the man and went to meet him. When he got out of his car I smiled because he looked like an older version of Kanye West. He walked over to me, gave me a quick hug and handed me his business card and two crisp bills. I looked at him in surprise.
“What’s this?”
“Bren said you needed food. I figured you could go to the grocery store.”
I grinned. THANKS GOD!
I LOVE when men give me money! Ooooh! There’s nothing like the feeling of walking away from a man who is completely satisfied by the fact that he was able to be a source of provision in my life. That is so sexy to me! It’s like he wants nothing in return but to make sure that I am smiling and I have what I want. He wears this look of pride that is well deserved.
I thanked him and walked back to my car. WOW! God gave me EXACTLY what I wanted and needed! As I sat in my car and buckled up, my eye caught sight of a piece on paper on the floor of the passenger side. I reached over to pick it up and saw that it was an old check for $15! I cashed that sucker and headed straight to Walmart for groceries!
Little by little. Bit by bit. But always right on time.
If you choose to place your trust in Him regardless of what your friends, or the rest of the world says, you will ALWAYS come out on top.
I’m expecting many more miracles! I can’t wait to share them with you.
~smile~
Why Are We So Afraid?
Why can’t we admit it?
Barack Obama is SEXY!
No disrespect to his wife. I’m not trying to break up a happy home but when that man comes on the TV screen– yowsa! And when I hear his voice over the radio- GOOD LORD!
There’s nothing wrong with admitting that one of our leaders has an aura about him that commands respect from both men and women and oozes manliness. Obama is what most of us wish our husbands and fathers were like.
Obama is the new JFK.
I wanted to include him in the Celebrity Baby Daddy poll I did on the website but my friend Tamara talked me out of it. “That’s disrespectful,” she said to me as we developed the list of candidates over the phone late one night.
I listened to her, like I always do but afterwards I asked myself: Why not add Obama? He’s a man just like the rest of them. His political status doesn’t make him any less sexy. He’s a fine specimen of a man and I’m sure many women would agree.
To my surprise, the poll was a hit as women from across the country logged in to share who their fantasy baby daddy would be. I was even more surprised to hear about the uproar the poll caused. People commented in the forum and on other websites that the poll was wrong and celebrated illegitimate fatherhood.
I shook my head at the notion. You know what the poll celebrated; the beauty of the Black man. It also celebrated my active imagination and my vibrant libido.
Before there were politics, before there was television, before there were all these rules placed on us by society, we were all free. We were all loving life in our native lands taking care of our families and embracing our natural instincts. Now we are expected to act like we don’t even have vaginas.
Why, as Black women, are we so afraid to admit that we love secks too? We have needs too. We have desires that go beyond the traditional missionary position. Why are men allowed to express their sexual fantasies while it is only acceptable for us to sit in the house and take care of them?
Who set those standards? I bet it was a bunch of men!
Yes, I’m abstinent right now, so I may think about secks more than the average person but is it so wrong to have a healthy imagination and sexual life filled with activities that please both you and your partner? As long as you both agree, nothing should be taboo. Is it wrong for me to stand up like Salt N Pepa did and scream, If I wanna take a guy, home with me tonight, It’s NONE OF YO BIZNESS!
Yes, I do have a Babby Daddy. I had two children out of wedlock when I was too young to make better decisions. He’s down in Miami taking great care of our boys affording me the chance to go after my dreams and I appreciate him everyday for that. Now that I’m older and wiser, I choose to live differently and most importantly I’m FREE!
I’m FREE to love how I want to love, knowing that God doesn’t make mistakes and He made me perfect in His eyes. I’m FREE to think for myself and enjoy my imaginative side. I’m FREE to embrace my freakiness and practice on myself until I meet my soulmate. I’m FREE to celebrate the Black men I meet, just as they look at me with admiration in their eyes, I can give them back the exact same energy without worrying how it may make me look.
What they think doesn’t matter to me. Hmph! I’m the Alpha Chick. My opinion of myself is important. My ability to tap into that part of me that says, “You are just fine. Your feelings are valid and your desires are as natural as a soothing breeze.”
So, YES, Obama is SUPER FINE…but so are a whole lot of other men. I don’t plan to do anything about it (this time) but I sure can enjoy myself…in my imagination.
Love Hiccups
I know ya’ll think I’m crazy. You know I think I’m crazy sometimes too.
But it takes some form of “crazy” to dream with the intensity that I dream with, to take the leaps of faith that I take and to love so deeply like I do.
I miss him.
I didn’t want to admit it cuz my friends already call me a stalker. ~blushing~ I don’t know. I try to explain to them the benefits of having an imaginary love.
1. He will never say the wrong thing.
2. He looks great every time I see him (in my mind).
3. He will never dissappoint me.
4. It brings some sort of satisfaction and at the same time keeps me out of trouble because I am uninterested in other men while I am in love with him.
My friends just laugh at me but I don’t mind. My fantasies keep me busy. I’m sure I’ll get over it soon enough. Just think about the men I’ve loved…JB. Remember him? I’m so over that. Remember DL Dell? I rarely ever think about him except to laugh and congralulate myself on the upgrade in my fantasy love affairs. I’ll move on, hopefully soon, but for right now I’m still in love and there’s nothing I can do about it but pray that I can let go.
Ruby dedicated this song to me recently…And I found it very fitting.
I remember the first time I saw him.
I was at this event in Houston. It was called the Power Summit. It was an AMAZING event. There were so many Black CEO’s just pouring out wisdom about entrepreneurship. Everyone was so nice and friendly.
I was pissed off because my co worker showed up over an HOUR late and I was there a half hour early which meant I had to sit in the lobby of the event for an hour and a half like a dork, waiting for her ass. I hate to be kept waiting! When she finally got there I thought I would snatch all of her dreads out. But instead I asked God to help me forgive her and I had to bless her so I could calm down.
We were seated in the banquet hall and the hostess gave her introductions. Then lunch was served and everyone was mingling, except for me. I’m not good at walking up to random strangers and starting conversations about nothing. But my co worker was and I sat back in amazement as she engaged people in the most interesting conversations.
At one point I was sitting there and my co worker leaned over to me and pointed to the table next to us. There was a light skinned man sitting there playing around with his cell phone.
“That’s The Prez,” she told me and pointed to him. “That’s The Radio Man’s son.”
Ugh… I was instantly unimpressed. If being The Radio Man’s son is his claim to fame, I feel sorry for him. I rolled my eyes in his direction and said, “So?” Men don’t impress me easily.
The host, a local television anchor woman announced that the keynote speaker was held up in New York and that The Prez would give the keynote speech in his place.
I rolled my eyes. “Ughh…What does Redbone have to say?”
They read his bio and I stared at him as he approached the stage. He stepped forward confidently and begin to introduce himself, explaining how he came to hold the presidency of his company.
The judgemental frown fell from my face as I listened to his voice, strong and engaging. I wondered if anyone else could hear my heart beating fast. As he moved through his speech he challenged me, entertained me and encouraged me all at the same time. I literally felt like I had just had secks when he was through.
I couldn’t believe it. This dude’s communication style was impressive. Dare I say, maybe even as good as mine. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to be his friend and at the same time, strangle him for daring to be as well spoken as I am. Who does he think he is?
As everyone rose from the table to head over to the conference hall for the first seminar, I rose from my seat trembling. Oh shit. I have to go interview this dude. I don’t know what to ask him, he’s so smart. I dont want to look like I’m dumb.
My heart ached as I trudged outside to the lobby. I prayed that I would dissappear. I prayed that I would be sick. Anything to get me out of standing face to face with this man who had succeeded in twisting my mind up.
As he walked out of the banquet hall, everyone seemed to attack him. I stood and watched as people took pictures with him and tried to get his attention and introduce themselves. I was dumbfounded. Who the fuck is he? How dare he get so much attention when I’m standing right here?
I tried to compose myself as he came closer. Every two steps he took, someone else stopped him. I knew that I had to at least say Hi so when I saw him alone for two seconds, I walked up to him, smiled and introduced myself. I don’t even remember what I said. Something about being an inspirational journalist, blah, blah, blah…
“Well,” he said and smiled down at me. “I hope you’re coming in the media room with us.” He reached into his pocket and produced his business card, handing it to me and I passed him mine with a grin.
“Ms. Tee,” he read aloud while looking at my card. “Alright.”
I walked away at that point because more people were vying for his attention. I stood on the sidelines and watched as people complimented him and asked for his contact info. I was so frustrated because my tape recorder wasn’t working AND two of the pens I had ran out of ink. I couldn’t think of a single question to ask him so for me, being there as a reporter was pointless.
We didn’t go into a media room. Instead he sat down on a small couch and other reporters asked him questions about random topics. I stood there in my dress and heels, my notepad in hand, leaning against the wall, praying that I could think of just ONE QUESTION to ask.
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I think? I wanted to cry.
At one point I was shocked when a reporter asked him a question and he replied by saying, “Take Ms. Tee for example, she’s going to be a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist..blah blah blah…”
I was confused. First of all, YES, I AM going to be a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist but since you’ve never read any of my writing you have no business saying that…unless you were…flirting with me? Is he flirting with me? Or is this what they call schmoozing?
His responses to all of their intense questioning was so fluid and eloquent that I was experiencing emotions that were a mixture of jealousy, admiration and lust.
And then he did it again…”Ok guys,” he told the other reporters. “This will be your last question because Ms. Tee may have something she wants to ask.”
Ughhh! Stop flirting with me! I wanted to throw him on the floor, jump on top of him and strangle him for being such a wonderful communicator.
But after their last question, the PR coordinator grabbed him and led him away. I sighed in relief. I didn’t have a single question to ask him.
We walked over to a room and as we walked in, his pace caught up with mine. He looked over at me, “Ms. Tee, did you have something you want to ask?”
I gulped. “Let’s have secks RIGHT NOW!” I thought. Ahh… SECKS, the equalizer of all men. If he would agree to do it with me, then I could lump in the “all men want is secks” category with everyone else and I wouldn’t have to be so…infuriated by his swagger.
Ofcourse I didn’t say that. I just shook my head NO and walked over to a small round table with a telephone in the middle of it. He sat down and I sat to his right. The PR coordinator sat to his left and a photographer was there snapping pictures of it all.
We held a telephone conference with the keynote speaker who was stuck in New York and all of a sudden my mind broke free from bondage and I happily chatted with the man on the phone, asking all kinds of great questions and enjoying his responses.
When the PR coordinator took her turn, she asked both of them some crazy questions like, “Old school or New School?” and “Boxers or briefs?” I looked over at him and watched him blush as he responded with a dramatic guffaw, “Boxers. I like to let my chain hang low.”
Ewww…. He’s a dork. I must do it with him right now to reduce the pressure on my heart. He’s not special. He’s just like everyone else. He’s just a man… Who happens to have a gift with communication. And happens to wear the kind of glasses that I like. And happens to be a little nerdy too. Which is turning me on right now…
I was so angry at myself for allowing this feeling to take place. I wanted to strangle him, toss him in a cellar and tie him up so that he would stop shining so brightly.
“You two are two young single bachelors, what’s your definition of love?” the PR coordinator directed the question to the keynote speaker on the phone line and The Prez.
The Prez seemed uneasy as he answered. “Well, when I think of love I look to my brother and his wife who are happily married…blah blah blah…I love the work I do and the fact that I can wake up every morning and look forward to meeting new people everyday. I never know who I’m going to meet,” he replied. “For business..” and he looked over at me, “Or personal.”
I was fuming. I’m the one in charge here buddy. You don’t flirt with me! You don’t lead me on. You don’t throw hints as though you got it like that. I’m in charge.
I wanted to cry.
I hate that I find him to be magnificent and he could possibly be playing games with me. Maybe he treats every woman he meets this way. Maybe he’s a player and flirts with every pretty face he sees. I refuse to be one of the crowd. I’m Ms. Tee dammit!
No one takes my breath away… Not this easily.
Help… I want my Mama…
Afterward I left the room silently, feeling like I had just been punched in the stomache. I sat down in the lobby and pulled out The Game Of Life to encourage myself. As the current seminar released its attendees I called my friend Tonya to tell her about the wonderful summit and how beautiful everything was.
I went inside the conference hall for the CEO roundtable. I chose a seat on the front row, ofcourse, and I absently nibbled on a cookie as they began. As I surveyed the panel of CEO’s, The Prez was sitting there on the far end. My gaze caught his and we both looked away.
All of the panelists gave such juicy information about starting businesses that I felt like I was being FED a hearty meal.
At the end of the day, I left the summit feeling challenged, yet empowered. I went back to the hostel and called my friends to tell them about my day.
“Was dude flirting with me?” I asked my friend Marsha after telling her the previous story. I wanted her to say YES so I could chalk him up to another man who wanted to hunch.
“Maybe.” she replied. “You never know with those types. Was he cute?”
“Hmm…I don’t know.”
“Oh…He must be light skinned.”
I laughed. “Yeah..He is.”
“I don’t know why you don’t like light skinned guys, girl.”
“They just don’t do it for me.”
I went upstairs and laid out on the bottom bunk in the dorm. I talked myself out of being upset about being attracted to him. “He’s just a man. You will be friends with him. You will learn from him and you will move on. He can’t hurt you if you don’t let him know how you feel. He’s just a man.”
The next day I visited his company website and casually clicked on all of the links. When I saw the ad for Internet Marketing Manager I read the description and thought, “That sounds easy. I could do that.”
Two nights later I couldn’t sleep because the job description kept dancing around in my head. Around 2 in the morning I crept downstairs to the common area, revised my resume and sent it in. And finally… I felt peace.
And I rested.
Love Hiccups In Transition
While I struggled at the newspaper, never quite satisfying my publisher with my work, I would look out over the skyline and stare out at the city of Houston.
I knew that this wouldn’t become my permanent home but I couldn’t live in the hostel forever. So I started looking at places to live but the ones I liked when I called them the people were so RUDE on the phone. I never understood how you can be a leasing department and be RUDE to someone who is trying to give you money.
The people at the hostel were nice to me. They allowed me to stay there long past the standard 10 day rule. It was going on a month and I knew I didn’t want to wear out my welcome. When I received an email from the website I was shocked.
They called me? Huh?
I interviewed over the phone and found that my skills were a perfect match for what they were looking for. I had never been to the city of Dallas before so I asked her, “In relation to Houston, where is Dallas?”
I remember sitting in the hostel bunk bed talking to Ruby on the phone. “Dawg…I think I’m about to leave here. I just have this feeling.”
Ruby was annoyed. “You just got there.”
“I know. I just…have this feeling.”
I never could satisfy the newspaper publisher with my work. I would spend my mornings crying because I felt like I was a failure as a journalist. One of my co workers spoke to me and said, “Just because things don’t work out here doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you. You have a gift. You will find the right place.”
That made me feel a little better but my pride was still hurt. I had never been in a job where I didn’t excel. And I received honors in newspaper writing in college. But my publisher didn’t like my work too much which made me feel like I was letting her down and my kids down.
I now realize that I was taking that job way too seriously. If it don’t fit, you must acquit.
Leave.
Once my publisher passed on that bit of advice, I was FREED from that day forward. If you’re miserable at work and what you are giving isn’t good enough then it’s time to find someplace that is a better fit for what you can do.
I desire to be appreciated and respected in my workplace and I have yet to find that balance.
My friends never questioned whether I moved to Dallas because of the Prez because they know me and they know that if that were the reason I was moving, I would openly tell them. I see nothing wrong with moving to another place for the person you love. I think it’s beautiful and romantic and a FAITH MOVE that should be celebrated. If any of them wanted to do something like that I would encourage them.
But at that point, I had not even spoken to the Prez since we had met. In fact, we never spoke again after the day we met. No emails, no nothing. I did email him after my first interview to tell him that I applied to his company and not to be startled if he saw me in his office. I was scared that he would think I was stalking him. Dude never replied. But the point is, if we had not met I would have never had the opportunity to work at the website and realize my true gift.
The 2nd time I saw him or spoke to him, IN LIFE, was the day I started working there and since that day he has been utterly professional in his interaction with me. It was me going all nutty once I realized that I actually found him attractive.
~sigh~ Me and my imagination.
But I guess it’s all over now. I’m trying to move on but…it’s still kinda fun to wallow in the fantasy a little bit. But sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find my perfect match in a company or in a man.
I just don’t seem to fit no matter where I go or who I decide to love.
It’s a little disheartening but I won’t allow it to get me down too much. The palm reader lady said my soulmate is around me. ~scratches head~
Hmmm…I should have asked her if it was a man or a woman.
Maybe she was talking about one of my friends…