Two Things

Even though Kim is a Pisces, she’s very emotional. I have to take these emotional rollercoaster rides with her sometimes and I feel like I’m in a marriage because we just have to work through it, forgive and move on, bless and encourage each other.

Today she called me flipping out because she’s about to close on her condo. I reminded her that this is a big decision, her first home and it is okay to be jittery about it. She eventually calmed down and called me later feeling sad.

“I feel like I dissappointed God by being so emotional today. I keep letting my emotions get the best of me,” she told me.

“That’s okay. It’s over now.”

“That’s okay because when I get home I am going to lay on my face and repent before God and ask for His forgiveness.”

“Kim, you don’t have to wait until you get home. You can repent right now and be done with it.”

“Aww..Dawg. You’re right. That’s condemnation.”

“Yeah and you do that all the time. Then you feel like you have to do these dramatic move where you fall on your face and light candles and fall all out when it doesn’t have to be that dramatic. Just ask God for forgiveness and move on.”

“Dang Dawg. You’re right. I just…I just love Him so much and I want to make Him happy. I want Him to be pleased with me. But I’m not Jesus and although I want to be like Him so much, it’s okay if I make a mistake sometime.”

“Yes, it is. You gotta understand who you are. You are God’s favored daughter. He always takes great care of you. He loves everything about you. Your height, your weight, your skin color, the way you speak. He delights everyday in what He made when He made you.”

“You’re right dawg.”

“Girl you know I have to ask God for forgiveness because sometimes I feel jealous of you,” I admitted. “Just watching how your family always has your back. You never have to depend on anyone because they are always there to cheer you on. It’s like you’re their representative and they want to pour into you so that you will make it because you are a representation of them. Dude..I wish I had someone to lean back against. I’m tired of being out here by myself. But I guess it’s better that I depend on God.”

****************************

I was frustrated this afternoon.

After talking to Tamara about relationships, I received a phone call from this man. We’re good friends. I love him a lot, but today I had to put my foot down and explain to him that his words hurt me more than they help me.

See..He claims that I am going to marry him. He’s been saying it for years. I take it as a joke because I’m not interested in him like that. So today while I explained to him –again, that I don’t like it when he makes those bold statements I stopped myself as I realized that….

This man is saying all of the things I always wanted to hear a man say. Every last word, every last conversation, every last opinion that he gives brings a smile to my face and peace to my heart. But…I don’t like him.

“I’m patient,” he says when I tell him to leave me alone with that mess. “I have nothing but time.”

At times I won’t hear from him and he’ll call me back saying, “You know I have to pull away from you because I don’t want to get caught up.”

“Good,” I’ll say. “Cuz you don’t want to miss out on your wife.”

I don’t like him like that.

Why don’t I like him?

Well, number one, I’m not attracted to him physically. I think of him as a brother.

Number two, he is trying to be a preacher and I ain’t trying to be sitting up in church as a first lady. That’s not my vision for myself.

Number three, I’m going to be in JET when I get married. I don’t see him being up in there with me. We’re not going in the same direction in life.

Isn’t that crazy? You can wait your whole life to hear beautiful words of praise and admiration from a man you admire except, you don’t even like him like that. What’s up with that?

And I am not trying to convince myself otherwise. I want there to be a fire between me and my husband. I want to be crazy about him.

If this man will keep to his word and stop saying those things to me, I’m sure we’ll be okay.

Men and women can be friends.

Find Your Recurring Theme

I’m still reading The Game Of Life & How To Play It. I can’t help it, it feeds me daily doses of encouragement and challenges me to love perfectly and completely.

Today I reached the part where she discusses the imaging faculty and how our imagination plays out in our reality even as children. We must guard our imagination like treasure because the things we see in our fantasies will ultimately come to pass.

I have a friend who says he has always known that he will die before he reaches old age. I pray that he will receive the truth before his time comes because by his words, he is forcing his own prophecy.

I remember the splendor of youth. It was me, a plate of cookies and milk and all the books I could ever read. My Grandma started me out young, allowing me to read her set of children’s Bible stories. She never let anyone else read them but me and everytime I would go over there, she’d set me up in the living room and hand me the set of books and I’d read all the Bible stories over and over again while my brother and sister and cousins all played outside.

I have but a faint memory of me giving my first speech at the age of 5. My Mama says that I did a great job but I embarrassed her. It seems that everytime I practiced my “Martin Luther King’ speech, one of my aunts was there and she’d add an extra line to the end as a joke. So when the day came for me to say my speech, my Mama says I paused and looked out over to the audience and said, “And he helped all the poor people just like my Mama!”

The audience roared, according to my Mama, but she wasn’t too happy about that.

I remember the first time I stood in front of a camera. I was in the 3rd grade and my teachers all raved about my reading and speaking abilities so the activities director came by to hear me speak. The next day she interrupted my class and led me by the hand to the television production studio. I heard her speak to the TV teacher and even though the requirement to participate in school activities was 4th grade, he pulled a white chef’s apron over my head and tied it around and around. Then he placed a chef’s hat on my head and told me to look into the camera and read the paper when he pointed to me.

And I did it. I did it just right. When I was done, everyone stood there somewhat in shock. I was like, “What?”

I’ll never forget the time I was about to graduate from 6th grade and we were practicing for our commencement ceremony. I was asked to give the commencement speech so I practiced and practiced. During the practice run, I said my speech and walked off of the stage. As I walked down the aisle one of my classmates mother grabbed me by the arm and sort of shook me. “You…you have a gift!” she exclaimed. “You’re gonna be somebody.”

I was like, “Ok, lady.”

The same thing happened in middle school. I had so much experience in newspaper and television from elementary school that I was ready to go! I had even produced videos and directed short plays. I walked confidently into our middle school’s television production office and introduced myself. For the first few weeks I just watched as they did the morning news show. No one knew me. I was new to the school. I was only in the 7th grade. So one day, the TV production teacher smiled at me and told me he’d like to give me a chance. I shrugged and took my seat at the anchor desk. When the teleprompter started rolling, I spoke.

When I was done all of the 8th graders stood quietly, staring at me. I ran into one of those “8th graders” when I was in college and I was up in Tallahassee visiting Tamara at FSU and she remembered me. She told all of my friends how “Tee came up in the TV office and took over.”

I would read every book I could get my hands on. I’d look up all of the words I didn’t know and teach them to my mother. She would always look at me and ask, “Where did you come from?” I would read my Mama’s Jet magazines and when I’d flip to the wedding announcements, I’d fantasize about one day being in one of those pictures with a really smart man. I figured that you only got into Jet if you were a leader, so I planned to become one.

After the big birthday cakes were all gobbled up and all that was left was the box with the big window, I’d force my little brother and sister to sit on the bed and watch me as I set the window up on top of the dresser and stood behind the dresser and pretended like I was on TV.

In middle school I auditioned for the drama program and got in by performing a monologue from Dirty Dancing. But by the 8th grade I didn’t feel challenged by the drama program so I convinced my Mama to sign the papers so I could switch to creative writing. That program didn’t challenge me either so I would make up assignments for myself and my classmates and they’d do them.

We didn’t get a television program in our highschool until I was in the 11th grade so before that I joined the newspaper. I actually remember sitting in our newspaper class arguing with this dumb boy after I was chosen as the co-editor. He told me that he would be class president during our senior year. “No you’re not!” I told him. “Watch.” What do you think happened? ~poppin my collar~ That boy was always trying to compete with me. Now that I think about it, he was kinda nerdy, with glasses and very smart. I think I liked him a little bit. ~blushing~

Once they introduced the television production program I dove right in. I learned everything. Besides being the staple anchor person, I would run the mixer, the teleprompter, I’d edit, write the copy for the scripts and even fill in as the camera person every once in a while. I taped reports which aired the next day. It was kinda weird sitting in class with everyone and watching myself on TV. But I loved it all!

In 12th grade I was nominated for a Silver Knight Award in Journalism. I represented my school in the county-wide competition but I didn’t win. I didn’t take the loss so badly. I got the bad news when I called Tamara and Anna. They both attended the awards ceremony in my place. I hung up the phone and shrugged as I walked back to the beachhouse on the beautiful island of the Dominican Republic where I was a guest of the Ambassador as an exchange student.

By the time I was ready to go to college, I knew I had a decision to make. Which type of journalism would I study? Print or broadcast? Print or broadcast?

I decided that I didn’t want anyone writing the words for me because I had a lot to say…so I chucked broadcast to the side and went with print. But then I had another decision to make. News or Magazine? News or magazine?

Even though magazine was not a popular major at the time, I chose magazine because I wanted to write about people instead of events.

That didn’t stop me from joining the school newspaper. Ahh…The Alligator. I was mad because they never offered me a staff spot. I continued to be a contributing writer for a long time and I loved it. I tried radio broadcasting in college too. I was a reporter for a radio show but since I could never wake up early enough to actually hear my reports when they aired, I lost interest in that.

By the time I took my first magazine class, they had hired a new instructor. He had moved to Gainesville and used to be the editor of Men’s Health magazine. I know I annoyed him so much with all of my questions! I loved how he loved magazines and I lived for those classes.

I never knew how much I learned until I became a professional. Now..I can look at a magazine from cover to cover and tell you exactly what’s right and wrong with it. From font choices, to color choices to the photos and organization, I know how a magazine is supposed to feel from the inside out because I love them so much. And websites are not immune to my scrutiny. I know what will engage me and I know what won’t.

Although my work is all over the internet and in print publications across the country, I still haven’t been published in a national glossy mag (a magazine with a shiny cover) like Essence or Seventeen. ~sigh~ I haven’t lost site of that goal. I can see my byline in bold lettering: By Ms. Tee.

Yep, your imagination does precede your reality. So consider what you meditate on daily. Is it failure? Is it lack? Is it loneliness? Whatever your mind is focused on will be multiplied. If you think he’s cheating, he is. If you think they all hate you, they do.

Don’t think your intuition was right, realize that your imagination FORCED that thing into being.

As a child my imagination mapped out my destiny. God placed tiny seeds of interest in me for the thing He has purposed in my life. All of those activities that I love to participate in: community service, website development and organizing businesses and even the type of man that I imagine: handsome, nerdy, smart and extremely successful, those weren’t just coincidences, those were signs from God.

That’s how I know what He has planned for me. That’s how I’ll recognize when He presents His divine gifts for me.

What is the recurring theme in your life?

Where is God trying to lead you?

Rainy Days in Dallas

Today was a most peaceful day.

Everyday I wake up and before I even open my eyes, my heart speaks to God. I thank Him for a new day and I ask Him for His guidance. Please tell me who to contact today. Please tell me where I should go. I’m not going to go fumbling around Dallas searching on my own. I expect you to lead me. I won’t move until you do.

Today I was led to contact a man and he invited me to an event tomorrow night. I’m excited about that. I was also led to contact another man and he invited me to a poetry night/open mic session on Friday night. I’m definitely going to that…and I’m gonna read some of my poems. I can’t wait to see who the other artists in the city are and to get to know them. Maybe I’ll even make a friend.

I also officially tied the knot with my barber. We were just “hanging out” before since I didn’t allow him to cut my hair. He would only give me an edge. But this time I walked in confidently and he said, “Don’t be bustin up in here like you run thangs!”

I laughed. “I do run things, everywhere I go.”

I showed him a picture of my haircut and said,”I know you can do this. You’re a superstar!”

He IS a superstar. Everytime I go in there he’s all dressed up. He looks like he is going out on a date or the prom. Either way, I love it! He dresses for success and he’s quite charming. He reminds me of Chris Tucker.

He did a great job! So now we’re married! I’m totally devoted to him. Thank GOD! I hadn’t had a haircut since I’ve been in Dallas and when he saw me today, my barber said, “You can’t be walking around looking like you need money!”

“I stay fly everyday, all day!” I shot back.

“Yeah, from the neck down!”

Ahh…He got jokes. LOL!

It’s such a dreary and rainy day. The kinda day where you wish you could just lay up in bed and snuggle. So that’s what I prayed for and praised God for. God, allow me to see many more rainy days and provide a bed and someone to snuggle up with too. I look forward to it.

Big RISKS & Big PAYOFFS

Ahhh…

I just got back from a great event. It was a panel discussion on the role of hip hop in the media. I drove down to the South Side and finally found the event and when I went in I met so many people. One woman that I introduced myself to, smiled and shook my hand confidently.

“I know you. You worked with the website. You contacted me before.”

Then I remembered. I ran across this article by a young lady and I was impressed. As I began to cultivate a team of music writers I reached out to her and invited her to apply to join my team. I know nothing about music but I am a strong visionary and the writers I gathered were fierce! I knew that with my direction, the new music page I had to develop would be the best feature the site had to offer (that is..until I had time to develop more sections. ~wink~)

We had our discussion which included people from the entertainment industry, music columnists and even a Pastor. Afterwards a group of people invited me to go hang out at this spot called Brooklyn’s on Lamar Street. Brooklyn’s was so sweet. They had a live band and all of the food smelled so nice. We sat and we chatted, exchanged business cards and I actually had a great time.

As I drove away to find my way home, I got lost going through downtown. It was my first time driving through downtown Dallas. Instinctively my eyes were glued to the street names, trying to capture polaroids of them for later use. My eyes are now trained to notice landmarks and cross streets. As I stared at these tall buildings for the first time I felt like someone had clutched my heart and squeezed it. The pain intensified until tears came to my eyes as flashbacks of me being lost in downtown Atlanta and then downtown Houston and now downtown Dallas came rushing back to me.

I’m so tired of busting up in new cities and feeling my way around. Now I see why relocating is such a big deal, it’s a strain on the heart and the brain. I cried and cried as I made my way back to 75North.

“Lord, I can’t take this. It’s deja vu all over again. Will I ever find a home? Will I ever be somewhere that I can call HOME? I want to be with my family. I want to be with my boys.”

Lord knows I give excellence in every work environment, but still things never work out. When I visited TD Jakes church he preached about being pushed out of situations and how we should rejoice because God is repositioning us to prosper. I try to remember his sermon whenever I’m feeling down. Cuz God knows that I would have tried to stay in the Dallas hostel but I just couldn’t after the manager screamed at me. Another aggressive communicator. I was pushed out. Now I have my own place, a stable roof over my head. The rent is due shortly. You don’t even want to know how much money I have to my name but my faith in God is abundant.

My friend Susie called me last night. She sure called with a Reima word. She encouraged me to stop believing God for the ram in the bush; that last minute shower of a blessing just to make ends meet. “God is a God of abundance,” she told me. “Your prayer should be that you will always have more than enough. Change your mindset. Change your prayers. Call on your Father and expect Him to come through. There will be no more paying bills and that’s it.”

So we prayed and I asked God to increase my territory. I know that He is preparing me for greatness. My vision is to be successful in ALL mediums of communication and look at my resume, it is all lining up. The best thing about having all of this short term experience is that fact that I learned so much at every place I’ve been and I list every director or publisher as a reference. I don’t mind if a potential employer calls to check up on my past work ethic because there is nothing negative to be said. I am a true student when I am in the workplace, I pay attention to everything. I even scrutinize the leaders that I am working under to take note of how they make decisions and how they manage me.

I’ll never forget that speech The Prez gave when I first met him because it really challenged me. He told us that having a dream of being an entrepreneur is so much more than just starting a business. You have to develop the skillset to manage a bunch of different personalities, and learn laws and things you probably never had any interest in.

That’s me all day! I have organized an HR department. I have written grant applications. I have been a secretary and a receptionist and had to manage databases of all kinds. I’ve managed PEOPLE and I have extensive marketing experience but you can’t GET ME to look a spreadsheet with numbers on it. I have no clue where to begin. I’m still not ready.

I guess through all of this LIVING LIFE, I just need a little more time to find my perfect fit. I wonder where I will be next. I wonder what the next opportunity will be like. I wonder where God is leading me now and through it all I have perfect peace. I have peace with my decisions although the direction my life is taking makes no sense to anyone.

I think about Kanye and so many other success stories that I have read. They all follow the same pattern; they make a faith move, believing that the gift they have to give is great enough to be noticed. BIG RISKS produce BIG PAYOFFS.

I’m kinda nervous about tomorrow night. I wonder who I’ll meet at the Open Mic night. To be honest I’ve never performed any of my poetry in front of a live audience before. Do you know how much GUTS it takes to stand in front of a crowd of strangers and give the best of you hoping that they will appreciate it? I always give props to those who at least TRY and tomorrow night, I’ll try my best.

I’ll let you know what happens.