The Reality Is…

I can’t do this anymore…It’s been almost a year that I’ve been away from my children and I have nothing to show for it.

God..I know you hear me. I know you see my pain… Help me get back to my kids… I can’t do this anymore. I’m not as strong as I thought.

I can eat pancakes all day.

I can sleep in my car for weeks at a time.

I can go without secks and shopping…but…

This pain will eat me alive if I don’t receive love soon.

And my kids are the only ones who love me…

So I tried to do what you put in my heart to do. I followed your leads and I put myself in danger sometimes, trusting you. I’m gonna trust you again. And I ask that…you take this away from me and give it to someone else.

Let me be a Mama again.

Let me matter to someone’s life.

Feeling insignificant as I try to be a blessing to the world. Being rejected everywhere I go. Being abused and criticised for giving my all. No one loved me like my kids did. And I couldn’t even take good care of them.

Sometimes I wonder why you allowed that to happen. Why did you bless me like that by giving me jits only to dissappoint them?

With my hands I move like lightening, giving 150% to everything I do. But I’m tired. I’m tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I could die in this apartment and no one would care or even know until they smelled my rotting flesh floating through the ventilation system.

Who am I to be so arrogant to think that i could change the world and make it better? The world doesn’t want to be better. No one is trying to do the right thing. Everyone is out to get as much as they can and step on whoever they can to get it.

I thought I could try to make it by being righteous. But the thing is, I don’t know how to be any other way. You speak to my spirit. You move mountains for me.

Where are you now?

I don’t even know who I am anymore. All i know is…I’ve been fighting and holding on and believing for a dream.

A dream.

Why can’t I be regular? And go to a regular job and have a regular husband and a regular life?

Where are you now? You can’t call me because my cell is off.

Where are you now? Are you hiding under the pile of overdue bills on my counter?

Where are you now? Did you forget which apartment I live in? I asked you to come give me a hug and all I hear is…silence.

Ain’t no reward worth this type of pain and loneliness. This pain is piercing so deep that I’m blinded by the pain and I can ‘t even see the dream anymore.

I’m in a forest with no compass and no clothes. Something is scratching me. Something is biting me. I do a full turn and all I see are trees.

Which way is out because that’s where I’m headed?

I want out of this dream chasing and faith walking…

Turn on the light so I can see my way out.