Month: March 2006

One Letter, BIG difference…

As I walked away from the courtroom with the no contact order in my hand, barring my children’s father from any further harassment, I knew I was a changed woman.

A FREE woman.

I can tell that a lot of my progress as a person began with the removal of the constant source of negativity and disparagement.

I made more than a few changes in my life since then but one in particular I have neglected to mention; I changed my name.

When my Mama saw my name on the article I wrote last weekend she said, “That’s not the name I gave you.” I shrugged and laughed saying, “Ma, I TOLD you at the end of January that for professional writing and speaking purposes I am changing the way I spell my name.”

I saw an article online about Numerology and how the stars or whatever dictate how your name is perceived. So I did a reading of my name and it had a lot of good qualities but also a few bad ones that were quite characteristic of my life BEFORE I got rid of THE MONSTER.

When I analyzed a variation of my name by removing one letter the entire vibe, meaning and perception of my name changed. I liked reading the words conqueror, winner, potential for greatness. I decided I wanted to be associated with those characteristics alone, shedding the stigma of being weak minded and easily swayed by emotions.

I removed one MONSTER and one letter from my name and I feel like a new person.

A Superstar is born!!!

Watch out for the NEW ME!

Thank you all for the love and encouraging words. You mean so much to me! You have no idea how much you inspire and encourage ME!

God bless you in all that you do!

Love,
Ms. Tee

Creative Wishes

My 3 year old is sick today. I missed work to take him to the doctor. He hasn’t eaten anything all day and can’t keep his fluids down. The doctor prescribed 3 different medicines.

He just threw up a few minutes ago. I wiped him down and replaced his clothes. He’s in the bed laying motionless. It looks like I’ll be missing another day of work tomorrow, which wouldn’t be so bad except I make JUST enough money to make my bills so this will be a big blow to my paycheck.

Man…I need a breakthrough. I know I’m not ungrateful but I’m already getting bored with my job. It’s routine writing and routine work and it feels like a job now.

I look around at all the people in their cubicles, typing away and trying to get promoted. I don’t want to get promoted. There is no other job there that I would like to do. I have a grand idea though. There’s a position that I’d like to have that hasn’t been created yet. I see an unfulfilled need and I have expressed a desire to fill it. My company president says we will talk about it later.

Still, after such a let down this just reconfirms that I can never do routine work for a living. And I need to be fulfilled in my work to be happy. Ofcourse I’m responsible and I won’t quit, but I’m also wasting my time and my talent. I absolutely love the company, the people I work with and my company president is HOT! But——– I have not found my place at this company yet.

And so I lift this up to God.

You gave me this amazing gift of seeing things in people and situations that no one else sees. You gave me this incredible way of expressing myself. I get excited when I get an idea and I have to start from scratch with research, planning and executing the idea. There’s got to be a happy medium in my career. I need to be able to create and inspire, feeding my expressive nature and nurturing others. At the same time I need to be able to take care of my family financially while not feeling like I’m letting my company down or taking a huge hit to my income when I have to miss a day because of my children.

I’m obedient. I’m driven. I will excel and work extra hard at any given task. I just need financial security and an outlet to be creative.

Am I asking for too much?

I like this Meme

From Teleza’s spot

Name- Ms. Tee

Childhood Ambition- To be a TV reporter/author and rich and famous and date all the celebrities and be fabulous

Fondest Memory- Hearing my name announced as I walked across the stage to receive my degree in journalism. I cried and cried and cried like I had just won Miss America. I believe that there is NOTHING that I can’t accomplish, but honestly, I did not believe I would finish college. Setback after setback happened. I felt so dumb and so low most of the time. That entire period of time was my life trial and I hope I never have to go through anything like that again! BUT I GRADUATED! AMEN!

Soundtrack- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and of course Late Registration

Retreat- My house (when it’s clean), The bookstore (when my house is messy)

Proudest Moment- I’m always superproud when I go and pick up my sons and all of their friends bum rush me to give me hugs. My son still holds my hand wherever we go. I make sure I’m extra pretty when I go out with them. I think they are proud of me.

Biggest Challenge- Keeping my house neat.

Alarm Clock- I’m a light sleeper. I wake up every hour to check the time. I never oversleep.

Perfect Day- No kids, lots of good food to eat in the fridge, a clean house and lots of great IM convo’s.

First Job- I was a receptionist at an Engineering Firm. I was 16 and they paid me $5 an hour. ~shakes head~

Indulgence- Cable, Taking my kids out to eat on the weekend, all the popular snacks so they can be “cool” at school.

Last Purchase- $85 worth of medicine for my son and a new inhaler for me.

Favorite Movie- Love Actually- It makes me feel so good!

Inspiration- I read an inspiration book everyday that inspires me. It’s called Think and Grow Rich; A Black Choice. This book gets me SUPERCHARGED for my day!

My Life- Is on a path for greatness. I’ve already been bruised and beaten and dismissed, now it’s time for some Karma to kick in. I’m WAITING KARMA! It’s my turn!

Blessed Guidance

I’ve had 2 mentors in my life.

The first one I met at my first job at the Engineering Firm. The second one was my boss at the TV station I worked for while I was in college. She’s now the CEO of PBS in Texas (GO GIRL!) I gotta email her and say wuzzup..

I think that I am so responsive to mentors because I crave direction and correction. I feel like I’m all over the place. I have so many ideas and so many talents and no one to make me focus and point out my inconsistencies. Well, I have people who point out my inconsistencies but they aren’t even as far into their careers as I am so it’s kinda hard to look up to someone who is still fumbling like you are.

I want a mentor dammit! I want someone who I can look up to and emulate. A LIVE person who is doing big thangs and wants to help a sista do big thangs too! I want a big sister to tell me right from wrong and a professional who is spiritually strong who will encourage me in my career choices, hook me up with her CEO friends and clap for me during my successes.

I’ve always felt like I was winging it with no guidance, all my life. Every goal I’ve achieved has been because I WANTED TO. No one encouraged me or showed me the way.

I’m always wondering if I’m saying the right thing or behaving in the right manner. I wonder if my presence projects the image I want it to.

Man, it’s tough paving the way.

But I promise that some very blessed young woman won’t have to do the guess work that I had to do. Whoever enters into my life will reap all of the benefits of my bumps and bruises. I will give away my knowledge freely.

I will become the woman that I always wanted to mentor me.

He Knows What To Do

My Sugarbear is going on a field trip today.

As soon as he woke up he asked, “Is it March 2nd?”

“Yep.”

“Yayyy! I’m ready to go on my fieldtrip!”

“Brush your teeth first.”

After he gets dressed and has his lunch packed I give him some money to take with him for a souvenir. I give him the speech about staying with his class and not wandering off. I remind him that if someone grabs him, he should kick and scream and yell and run away.

He listens intently while fingering the money I gave him.

“So what do you do with this money?” I ask him.

“Put it in my pocket.”

“And what do you say if someone comes up to you and tries to take your money?”

He pauses.

“HELP!”

A Gooey Gift

I’m typing away on the IM with Cymple when the door to my room creaks open and my 3 year old’s head pops out.

“Look Mama,” he says and extends his hand to me.

“What is it boy?”

“Look at this.” He walks toward me with a silly look on his face, closely studying the thing in his hand.

He takes it out of his hand and places it in mine. I examine it. It is purplish and brown. Is it a bug? It feels soft. I don’t get it.

“What is this?” I ask him.

He shrugs his shoulders and looks at my hand.

“Where did you get it?”

“Out of my nose.”

Day 3

It’s day 3 at home with my son, he has a stomach virus. The first day it was vomiting. Now he has diarrhea. I woke up early got all of us dressed and prayed that nothing would go wrong.

“I still don’t feel well,” he told me.
“Well, I think you’ll be okay.”

I dropped his big brother off and made my way across town to his school. Before I got half way there I heard him whining.

“What’s going on?”
“I boo booed in my underwear.”

I guess the diarrhea isn’t gone yet.
Let’s go home.

I freaked out at first. That’s very typical of me. Then I calculated how much money is going to be taken off of my paycheck for these 3 days and I realized that if I sold just ONE of my stories, I’d be okay.

So that must be it. I’m about to sell one of my stories!

I don’t believe that God would bring me to this job for it to bring financial disaster to my life. Something wonderful is going to happen. I am not going to lose my job or not be able to pay my bills.

Something spectacular is about to happen.

I know it.

Canceled Plans

I had a date tonight but I canceled it.

Something about the guy didn’t sit right with me. First off, when he asked me out he asked me what I wanted to do. So I told him I’d like to see the Dave Chapelle movie. He paused and told me that he didn’t like to go see movies on the first weekend that they come out.

Hmmm….

It seems to me that he already is ignoring my desires. If this is supposed to be our first date, why not do whatever I want to do? I think this is a big indication that he will give me problems later on. I plan to just let him know that I am a very busy person and I don’t have time to date.

I hope that pacifies him. I don’t feel like explaining why I don’t want to see him and I don’t feel like having drama.

Which reminds me of the conversation I had this morning with my sorority sister Shanna. She mentioned how much she loved her job because it was easy. I couldn’t help but laugh at the difference between she and I. If a job is too easy I would be upset. LOL! I don’t like to be bored at work.

She said that I place a lot of emphasis on the success of my career and I agreed. Then she said that on her list of things that are important in her life, a career is at the very bottom. She values family more than anything and all she dreamt of as a child is having her own family one day.

All I dreamt of as a child is becoming a speaker and bestselling author. I never imagined myself with a family. My boys were a wonderful surprise but they were not a part of the plan. I’m grateful though, because through them I have the opportunity to experience true love.

I often wonder if the reason I value my career so much is because I don’t believe in romantic love. I remember friend after friend after friend saying they didn’t care how much money they had as long as they were financially stable and had someone wonderful to share their life with.

I’m the opposite. I don’t care about romantic love as long as I am successful in accomplishing my career objectives and using this gift God as given me to bring glory to Him.

I feel like I’ve had my romantic relationship already and I don’t ever want to go through that again. I have my kids now and I’m fine. Sometimes I think about it, you know, romantic love, but I try to shut it down. It was kinda difficult to ignore the desire tonight as I tried to watch the new Madea movie.

Yeah, I got a bootleg copy. Don’t kill me. I always wanted to see what it was like to watch one and besides the screen freezing up every 10 minutes and the sound not coinciding with the visual sometimes, it was pretty good.

I’ll say pretty good because I couldn’t get through the entire movie. I started crying and had to turn it off. There’s this one character who is a single mom with two kids- blah-blah- She meets this guy- blah-blah- He’s handsome and seems to genuinely like her-blah-blah. When he first approached her to ask her I out, I screamed at the TV, “DON’T DO IT GIRL!”

She called him anyway. And every moment they were together laughing and being romantic felt like a stab in my chest. The pain intensified from scene to scene until I think they were about to kiss.

I couldn’t take it. I turned the DVD player off, took out the disc and broke it in half.

That’s some mess right there! You’re not going to make me believe that some FINE man is gonna meet me, be nice to me and love my kids too. Come on!

Ain’t gonna happen. It ain’t!

My chest hurts.

My chest hurts.

I feel this pain in my chest.

This hurts.

The Block Party

I went to see the Dave Chapelle’s Block Party last night.

I didn’t want to waste a night at home when I didn’t have my kids so I got dressed and took myself to Aventura to see it. When I got to the movies I noticed that there wasn’t a lot of traffic and I didn’t have a problem with parking.

I have never gone to see a movie on opening night before but I found this to be a bit strange. I bought my ticket an hour in advance and then walked around the mall feeling a little weird. Um…when you go out to the movies by yourself, it doesn’t feel empowering, it feels kind of lonely. You have no one to talk to while you wait for the movie to start and once it’s done you have no one to talk to about the highs and lows of the movie.

But I’ll do it again. I’d rather go by myself than wait for some guy or chick to agree to go with me.

The theatre was not packed. In fact, I went in early thinking there was going to be a mad rush for seats. I was able to sit in my favorite seat, right in the middle of the theatre. When I sit in my favorite spot I feel as though I’m balancing the screen on my lap for the PERFECT view. The theatre started filling up after the movie started. It was a mixed crowd, half black and half white. I sat next to a group of guys who were talking about women as the movie started.

These were extremely cute white guys who looked like they belonged on the set of a college movie. One guy was upset that he couldn’t see his girlfriend. He was busy texting her on his phone while his friends laughed at him.

“She’s busy with her Mom man and she can’t get away but I don’t believe she expects me to stay in and wait for her.”
His friends all laugh and then one of them adds, “Tell her to choose between you and her Mom.”
The first guy responds, “Are you crazy?! I wouldn’t say that.”

As you can tell, I’m nibbling on my nachos and eavesdropping like a mutha.

“Why not?” his friend asks. “Let me tell you. All girls want the assholes. If you’re too nice to her, she won’t like you. And then when they get older they all want good guys but it’s gonna be too late because they’re already taken.”

Wow. I hear women say that all the time. I had no idea men felt this way too.

The previews started and there were some funny ones in there like a new movie from the Wayans Brothers. They are so stupid! LOL!

Then a preview for a movie about the ultimate bank robbery came on. The entire audience was intrigued as Denzel Washington was showcased as the movie’s lead through a seemingly predictable storyline. But as soon as the director’s name flashed across the screen, I could hear a collective gasp and I’m sure the thoughts running through their heads was the same as mine.

Directed By: Spike Lee

Whattttttt?!!!!!!!!!!

Spike Lee got a new movie?! Oh, I GOT to go see that. That’s my boy!

On to the movie.

Dave Chapelle’s Block Party is not what you think it is. It’s not a MOVIE with a plot and characters and a beginning, middle and end. It’s more like a documentary of Chapelle as he prepares to host a musical concert. He doesn’t do a stand-up set but he throws in a couple of one-liners here and there like:

“How many white people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
I don’t know. How many?
“None, cuz they’d get a nigga to do it!”

I think Dave Chapelle got all the artists I like the most and put them on one stage together. It’s like he climbed inside my brain and picked the most intriguing artists in Hip Hop. You know I had a FIT when the super sexy, mega dreamy, damn that man’s line-up ALWAYS be on point–Kanye West performed first. ~shakes head~

I have no words for this man’s energy.

Talib Kweli performed with everyone. Mos Def’s fine behind was definately a highlight. Not only is his voice and his lyrics captivating, he has the looks of a superstar; chiseled arms, alluring eyes and a hypnotic smile. Brotha is FINE!

Georgeous music man Common performed as well as John Legend, Jill Scott, Erykah Badu, The Roots and Big Daddy Kane. While watching the movie I felt as though I was actually at the concert! Other audience members must have felt the same way because I could see them on the edges of their seats bouncing and throwing up their fists and reciting lyrics along with the artists. It was quite moving.

The backdrop to the concert was the famous city of Brooklyn, New York. They filmed next to a daycare center, the same center that Biggie used to attend when he was a baby.

Brooklyn, New York. I have a friend that lives there. I’m telling you Brooklyn looks so different from Miami. They have brownstones there. Like the Cosby show. The Black people seem to have a different flava there. Their vibe is totally different from the people down here in Miami. I really have to get up there and see for myself.

Dave reported that there were 5,000 Black people at his concert and about 19 white people peppered into the crowd.

I watched as a few of the audience members left the movie early. I could understand why. It wasn’t a real MOVIE, so if you left it wasn’t like you were gonna miss the grand finale.

They had no idea, they did. Don’t leave this movie early or you’ll miss the REAL Fugees Reunion.

Wyclef entered the stage first and did a number getting the crowd so hyped. Then he introduced Miss Lauryn Hill who came out to thunderous applause. Chick looked amazing as usual. That woman.

That woman.

I believe that women is the most beautiful woman in entertainment.

Lauryn Hill is the ultimate celebration of the beauty of the Black woman. Every physical feature, every breathe, every struggle, every gift- all point to the magic make-up of God’s greatest creation, the majestic Black woman.

Prazwell admitted to having tears in his eyes when he watched Lauryn perform, ‘Killing me Softly’. Remember that?

Do you REMEMBER when her album came out?

Do you REMEMBER how every song made you feel?

Do you REMEMBER instantly recognizing it as a classic?

Do you REMEMBER feeling proud that you were in the same age group as someone so magnificent?

As she performed ‘Killing Me Softly’, I couldn’t help but cry. I miss her. I miss her essence, I miss her presence, I miss her voice.

The perfect ending to the perfect concert. This movie inspired me to do my thang regardless of how people may perceive me. Every artist that represented on that stage were there, not because they won a contest, not because they are the mirror image of the Western World’s ideal of beauty.

They were there because their talent could NOT be denied!

My talent WILL NOT BE DENIED.

I may be a lil crazy, but f**it. I have a gift that I need to present to this world and I won’t have peace until it’s out there.

Heal Me

I had a nightmare last night.

I was helping a friend close up a convenience store and as part of the process I had to lock myself in while she was outside punching buttons and then leave through another door.

As I heard the lock click, I look to my left and there’s a man standing there inside the store with me. A guy from round the way, wearing a white tee and a pair of scuffed up sneakers.

I can tell he’s planning to rob the store but didn’t expect that I would be there. I close my eyes because I don’t want him to think that I would be able to identify him and all of a sudden Flava Flav shows up and leads me to a room somewhere and there are so many other people there, all of them chained to the wall. My chains aren’t tight and I realize that I will be able to take them off once he leaves.

I see a man looking at me. He looks like my friend Joe. Joe can see the fear in my eyes as Flava leaves me in the dungeon with the rest of the people. Joe looks at me and says, “You are a strong woman. You are resilient. You will get through this.”

I remove the chains and jump out the window, screaming and running for help. I reach some projects and I see a crowd outside. The women are all shaking their heads and talking excitedly. I ask them what happened and they point to a 2nd story apartment.

“See what happens when you ignore your neighbors?” a lady in a pink short set and hair curlers responds. “I KNEW I shoulda checked on her because she wasn’t answering calls, she wasn’t answering the door, but I just said, hey, let me leave her alone. She may be busy. Next time I promise I’m gonna INTRUDE.”

“What happened to her?” I ask.

“The last time I saw her she was walking out of her apartment with a plastic bag over her head.”

As she describes this I can see the woman walking out, as if it’s happening in front of me.

“And where is she now?”

“She’s dead. Dead. They found her dead. I know her man did it. He was crazy.”

I backed away slowly until I removed myself from the crowd. Then I ran and ran and ran until I woke up.

I woke up.

I woke up and realized that there is a demon I had been fighting. I wrestled with this demon for so long that I want to be free.

So here’s my plea. Here’s my announcement to you, to God and to anyone else. I can’t live like this anymore.

I have a supernatural fear of men.

I feel like every man wants to hurt me physically and emotionally.

Every man.

EVERY MAN!

There are no exceptions.

I feel like they want to kill me and crush my dreams. Like they hate me for being me and are out to destroy any hope I have of being happy.

Once I met a man who I thought was different. My former pastor. I trusted him. I looked up to him. I admired him. What happened?

You remember.

I told him that I planned to leave the church and he flipped it on me telling me that I was being immature and that I had no business making a decision like that by myself. He told me I should go to counseling for a couple months with one of the church Pastors before I make a decision like that. He told me that the church was my family and they should be the most important people in the world to me. He made me feel as though I had to choose between his church and my happiness and that I was walking away from God’s blessings on my life because I decided to leave.

Then he told me that since I left he was no longer my Pastor, but he could be a friend. Funny how after all this time, when he called me to tell me he’s moving to Miami he referred to himself as Pastor XYZ.

I thought you weren’t my Pastor anymore.

His presence scares me. Maybe I’m being irrational and thinking too much of myself but my fear is so real to me. I used to lie in bed at night trembling, waiting for my children’s father to come attack me. I felt as though he hated me so much that he would. I felt like somehow I had disgusted him to the point, or maybe I had embarrassed him to the point where he would rather see me dead than to have me be the mother of his children.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate being like this. I hate thinking that every man is out to kill me or destroy my spirit.

I’m tired of living in fear.

So I put this out there because I know that once I face my inadequacies head on, God does a work in me.

I’m trusting in that for this situation too.

Heal me Lord.

Show me your power. Work within me. Change me.