Canceled Plans

I had a date tonight but I canceled it.

Something about the guy didn’t sit right with me. First off, when he asked me out he asked me what I wanted to do. So I told him I’d like to see the Dave Chapelle movie. He paused and told me that he didn’t like to go see movies on the first weekend that they come out.

Hmmm….

It seems to me that he already is ignoring my desires. If this is supposed to be our first date, why not do whatever I want to do? I think this is a big indication that he will give me problems later on. I plan to just let him know that I am a very busy person and I don’t have time to date.

I hope that pacifies him. I don’t feel like explaining why I don’t want to see him and I don’t feel like having drama.

Which reminds me of the conversation I had this morning with my sorority sister Shanna. She mentioned how much she loved her job because it was easy. I couldn’t help but laugh at the difference between she and I. If a job is too easy I would be upset. LOL! I don’t like to be bored at work.

She said that I place a lot of emphasis on the success of my career and I agreed. Then she said that on her list of things that are important in her life, a career is at the very bottom. She values family more than anything and all she dreamt of as a child is having her own family one day.

All I dreamt of as a child is becoming a speaker and bestselling author. I never imagined myself with a family. My boys were a wonderful surprise but they were not a part of the plan. I’m grateful though, because through them I have the opportunity to experience true love.

I often wonder if the reason I value my career so much is because I don’t believe in romantic love. I remember friend after friend after friend saying they didn’t care how much money they had as long as they were financially stable and had someone wonderful to share their life with.

I’m the opposite. I don’t care about romantic love as long as I am successful in accomplishing my career objectives and using this gift God as given me to bring glory to Him.

I feel like I’ve had my romantic relationship already and I don’t ever want to go through that again. I have my kids now and I’m fine. Sometimes I think about it, you know, romantic love, but I try to shut it down. It was kinda difficult to ignore the desire tonight as I tried to watch the new Madea movie.

Yeah, I got a bootleg copy. Don’t kill me. I always wanted to see what it was like to watch one and besides the screen freezing up every 10 minutes and the sound not coinciding with the visual sometimes, it was pretty good.

I’ll say pretty good because I couldn’t get through the entire movie. I started crying and had to turn it off. There’s this one character who is a single mom with two kids- blah-blah- She meets this guy- blah-blah- He’s handsome and seems to genuinely like her-blah-blah. When he first approached her to ask her I out, I screamed at the TV, “DON’T DO IT GIRL!”

She called him anyway. And every moment they were together laughing and being romantic felt like a stab in my chest. The pain intensified from scene to scene until I think they were about to kiss.

I couldn’t take it. I turned the DVD player off, took out the disc and broke it in half.

That’s some mess right there! You’re not going to make me believe that some FINE man is gonna meet me, be nice to me and love my kids too. Come on!

Ain’t gonna happen. It ain’t!

My chest hurts.

My chest hurts.

I feel this pain in my chest.

This hurts.

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