Share My World

Overcoming THE BEAST

After I gave a blessing to my kids, my friends and all the world I asked God to forgive me for all of my sins and I wrapped myself in my blanket, trying to overcome the shakes associated with “THE BEAST”.

I just knew it was the end for me. No amount of medicine could help me at this point. I needed the magic stick to heal my body and my supply seemed to be non existent.

I eventually drifted off to sleep, both hands sandwiched between my thighs. Then I had the most wonderful dream.

My phone rang and when I answered it, it was…

The Prez.

“Hey Tee,” he said in the most loving tone.
I smiled and returned his greeting.
“Are you okay?” he asked me. I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah.. I am…It’s just…you know..”
“Yeah,” he said. “I know..” then he laughed. “But it’s going to be alright. I got this. Just don’t worry.”
“Ok.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah..I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said and giggled.
“Alright. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”

I woke up then and looked around my living room in the darkness. I was grinning from ear to ear. “Thanks God,” I prayed and closed my eyes again. “Even if it was a dream. It was good to hear his voice and have his attention for a little while.”

I laughed to myself and went back to sleep.

I’m so crazy. I have a whole relationship with this man INSIDE MY HEAD. We have never even had a real conversation. ~sigh~ Lord, I don’t know what kind of crazy chick I am but… I’m me and I can’t be any other way. You made me so, I must not be THAT bad…

The Question

God,

I just had a nightmare that the white people busted in my door and told me that they are taking me away because I am crazy.

Sometimes I feel like I am.

I have this imaginary romance going full blast in my head and there’s no evidence of it in reality.

I have this dream that I am running towards that won’t allow me to stop running except there’s no one that I can trust to help guide me along the way. I feel like I’m always on the defense, having to explain why am I the way I am I’m but I am still being consistently criticized for wanting a better life for myself.

I have this ongoing dialogue in my head. I’m alone so much that I debate myself. The positive thoughts are fighting the negative ones and lately, the negative thoughts are winning.

I feel like I must be made of poison because no one wants to come near me to touch me and it hurts.

I speak to my sons and they are doing just fine. I’m glad they are not crying but…Sometimes I wonder if I ever did a good job of taking care of them and why none of my efforts lasted.

I love this opportunity that I have to help grow this website but I just don’t feel good when I’m in that office. Being criticized for working too hard confuses me and…it’s weird but… I feel like there’s this HUGE secret that everyone knows but aren’t sharing with me. Why do I feel like I’m the office joke or something? What are they hiding from me? I thought this was my place of blessing.

Am I paranoid?

I try to make my imaginary life just as important as my reality because if I don’t then I can’t get through each day. It’s because I can wake up and rise from the carpet while fantasizing about one day having a big king size bed, that I can smile and drive cheerfully to work.

It’s because I can make pancakes and imagine that they are full meals that I can smile happily and go to sleep.

I think I need to see my Mama and my kids to remind me of who I am and that once upon a time, people actually smiled when I walked into a room. Once upon a time, there were people who were glad when I showed up.

Am I crazy?

Huh???

You’re Gonna Find Yourself..
Somewhere..Somehow

I woke up early today.

I took a hot shower and pulled on my black v-neck sweater over a long sleeved purple button down shirt. I pulled on a pair of old jeans and my black heels and stood quietly in front of the mirror.

As I applied my makeup I thought of Ruby and the day we first spoke to each other on campus. I was standing at the bus stop in front of the J-School and she was walking by. We smiled and said hi and then I asked her why she was looking so cute that day. No one on campus dressed up for class, but here Ruby was… a full face of makeup, hair looking precise and jeans all nicely pressed.

“Girl…I have to look like this. I’m going to pick up my last check,” she said with a smirk. “Fuck’em. I will never let’em see me sweat.”

I laughed to myself as I applied my eyeliner and then my blush and last but not least, two coats of dark burgundy lip gloss and a coat of cinnamon lip gloss.

Damn you look good girl…

I admired myself in the mirror for a moment more and then I went into my living room for some quiet time. I read my daily affirmations and called on the peace of God and His infinite wisdom. I reminded myself that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and that every action, thought and wish that I send forth into this world will be returned to me like lightening.

All of the wisdom that had been passed down to me flashed through my mind as I sat on the floor, enjoying the quiet of the moment.

I will persist until I succeed.

Sometimes you have to just…turn the page.

If it hurts too much to maintain, you have to be smart enough to let go. Love yourself more.

God is my supply.

Every man/woman I meet on this journey is a link in the chain toward my greater good.

The life which is mine by divine right can not be denied by man.

I grabbed my red leather bag and went out to my car. I pressed play and my ear drums were invaded by the soothing sounds of Corrine B. Rae.

“You’re gonna find yourself..someway…somehow…” I sang along with her.

I played the song three times on the way to work, the message of her song, my only companion. Peace.

I parked in the spot that I usually do and on my way to the elevator the ground started to shake.

I closed my eyes and allowed the vibration to tickle my mind.

“Open your eyes,” a voice said.

When I opened them I stared across a deep chasm in the mountainside. I looked down at my feet and my heart trembled at the two inch ledge I was delicately balanced on.

Shit….

Shit….

“I’ve been preparing you for this day,” a voice said.

I stood frozen, knees trembling, my fingers desperately searching for a place to hold on to.

“I’m scared. I don’t want to do this again. I just want to do right. I just wanna find home…”

“Do you trust me?”

A single tear trickled down my cheek.

“God…you know I do. But this hurts. I’m so alone. I need you.”

“You’ve got me. Now step out and embrace me.”

The steady flow of tears turned into sobs as I gazed out over the deep sinkhole.

No…Not again… I don’t always want to be this strong Lord. Can I just…for a minute..Can I be weak? Can someone pour into ME? Can I just…be loved on, please? I’m always fighting. I’m always giving. I’m always trying to do right. I’m tired. Please… I just want to give my gift…

“Step out. Trust me.”

I closed my eyes and took a step forward.

Into the elevator, up through the lobby and into my director’s office.

“I trust you Lord,” I said with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

And so I jumped.

A Gentle Reminder From Ruby

If you know you are right, stay the course even though the whole world seems to be against you and everyone you know questions your judgment. When you prevail-and you eventually will if you stick to the job-they will all tell you that they knew all along you could do it.” Napoleon Hill: Yesterday and Today

Thank you, friend. I love you too.

Tee

Sometimes…

I don’t know if this is worth it.

But I don’t know any other way to make it.

Growing up I was so smart, so talented..so personable..so friendly. Then the real world hit and I fell into a pit.

They say the type of dream I have..has a lofty price. I’m paying it right now. And I’m paying it double. My kids are paying for it too.

I’m finally out of corporate america. I hope never to return. Whatever it is that ya’ll have in you to succeed in that type of atmosphere is not in me. It’s just not… While I regain my spiritual connection…which was lost in translation somehow…I ask you to refrain from chastising me when you gotta know that for me to give up a steady check, BENEFITS and a chance to do what I LOVE to do..something must have been misaligned.

Thinking on it, I felt the peace leave me weeks ago. But instead of leaving with it, I stayed and tried to adjust. I hung on hording my satisfaction like manna from heaven, until the time changed and it turned into maggots and began to overwhelm me.

Always follow your peace. And when it goes out the door, you should go too. In any relationship, if you’re embracing someone and they are not embracing you back, don’t blame the other person for the pain. It’s you. You’re abusing yourself by continuing to hold on to them.

So as I left I turned around and blessed them all. Taking 3 steps back and looking at the whole picture. What do they produce? A radio show that brings laughter and fun to millions. A foundation that helps so many people receive the education that will empower them to prosper. Fun events that allow our people to celebrate themselves for once, forgetting about the worries of the world. This company produces MAGIC. I can’t hate on that. I just…wasn’t cut out for that type of giving.

So now I sit… I freaked out a bit, allowing myself the opportunity to cry and whine and throw a pity party about why everytime I work for someone else’s company, I get the same results.

And then I got up, wiped my tears and started planning. I’m not leaving Dallas just yet. I like it here and that’s really weird but..I believe there’s a reason for me being here outside of that job I had.

The hardest part of this all is knowing I have no choice in the matter. If I “give up”, what do I have to give up and run to? I have no home. What do I say to my boys when I see them and I have no home for them to come to? I’ve already lied to them. Remember I told them I was going away to Georgia to “check it out” and that I’d be back for them.

But things didn’t work out in Georgia. And things didn’t work out in Houston either. Now I’m here in Dallas and I’m not sure if they are even waiting for me to come back anymore. I pray that they will forgive me because none of this was in the plans.

My profile on that Enneagram thing says that 4’s are always waiting for someone to rescue them. Ain’t that the truth, Ruth! That would be soo nice right now…

But back to my reality. I’m on the hunt for a job. Not a profession, cuz I realize with my work ethic, no company will embrace me. EVERY boss that I’ve had, with the exception of the publisher in Houston and the publisher in Miami, have all chastised me for doing too much.

All the while I’m thinking, “I can’t wait to be working for myself so no one will be counting the hours I put in.”

Where’s my breakthrough? Is it coming?

Tamara doesn’t doubt me.

Ruby said to me, “You always make the right decision.”

Kim says, “By divine right, what is yours will be yours!”

In all sincerity, if the Lord grants me the fulfillment of my dreams, my mission is to make sure that I can connect as many people with their dreams as I can. Since no one (with influence & resources) sees fit to believe in me and support me as I give my gift, I HAVE to make it easier for others.

And I ask my sons for forgiveness for carrying this burden with me. May the generations that come behind them have a much easier load to bear.

Mama does love you…And she’s doing this..so she can take good care of you..Just like I always promised.

The Reality Is…

I can’t do this anymore…It’s been almost a year that I’ve been away from my children and I have nothing to show for it.

God..I know you hear me. I know you see my pain… Help me get back to my kids… I can’t do this anymore. I’m not as strong as I thought.

I can eat pancakes all day.

I can sleep in my car for weeks at a time.

I can go without secks and shopping…but…

This pain will eat me alive if I don’t receive love soon.

And my kids are the only ones who love me…

So I tried to do what you put in my heart to do. I followed your leads and I put myself in danger sometimes, trusting you. I’m gonna trust you again. And I ask that…you take this away from me and give it to someone else.

Let me be a Mama again.

Let me matter to someone’s life.

Feeling insignificant as I try to be a blessing to the world. Being rejected everywhere I go. Being abused and criticised for giving my all. No one loved me like my kids did. And I couldn’t even take good care of them.

Sometimes I wonder why you allowed that to happen. Why did you bless me like that by giving me jits only to dissappoint them?

With my hands I move like lightening, giving 150% to everything I do. But I’m tired. I’m tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I could die in this apartment and no one would care or even know until they smelled my rotting flesh floating through the ventilation system.

Who am I to be so arrogant to think that i could change the world and make it better? The world doesn’t want to be better. No one is trying to do the right thing. Everyone is out to get as much as they can and step on whoever they can to get it.

I thought I could try to make it by being righteous. But the thing is, I don’t know how to be any other way. You speak to my spirit. You move mountains for me.

Where are you now?

I don’t even know who I am anymore. All i know is…I’ve been fighting and holding on and believing for a dream.

A dream.

Why can’t I be regular? And go to a regular job and have a regular husband and a regular life?

Where are you now? You can’t call me because my cell is off.

Where are you now? Are you hiding under the pile of overdue bills on my counter?

Where are you now? Did you forget which apartment I live in? I asked you to come give me a hug and all I hear is…silence.

Ain’t no reward worth this type of pain and loneliness. This pain is piercing so deep that I’m blinded by the pain and I can ‘t even see the dream anymore.

I’m in a forest with no compass and no clothes. Something is scratching me. Something is biting me. I do a full turn and all I see are trees.

Which way is out because that’s where I’m headed?

I want out of this dream chasing and faith walking…

Turn on the light so I can see my way out.

Another Day, Another Day

My phone rang early this morning.

Thank God I can receive calls even though I can’t dial out.

It was my little sister, Teenie.

“Auntie Verna died this morning.”

“Huh?”

“They say her heart just stopped.”

“It just stopped?”

“It just..stopped.”

Man…

Every year for the last four years someone in my family has died.

I will do my part by writing the obituary and the copy (content) for the funeral program and my Mama will design the program and have it copied. Last year I stood at the door and handed out the copies and even read the obituary, which I called The Life Portrait during the funeral. I don’t think I’ll be able to make it to the funeral this year.

Before my heart stops…I have to see my kids again. But the thing is, if I go down to Miami I know I won’t want to come back.

I’ve done my best during this past year to go for the gusto and I’ve followed God’s path for me. When one door shut, another opened and I fearlessly walked through. Do you remember when I used to be afraid to drive on the expressway? Seems so long ago huh? Now look at me…Thousands of miles away from Miami. From the only home I’ve ever had. I’m all by myself and I am not afraid. I am such a strong woman of faith. I can’t believe this is my life.

What will I gain from it all? When will I see the reward of my sacrifices? When will someone recognize my value? When will I get to show love again?

And most importantly…What am I doing wrong? You know..I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong I think it’s like TD Jakes said when I went to his church, he said that sometimes you are pushed toward God’s will for your life by uncomfortable circumstances.

Dallas..I don’t know why I like it here so much when there’s no love here.

Maybe Dallas is trying to push me away. I’m in love with a city that doesn’t love me. Sound familiar?

Ahhh…It’s the story of my life…. I’m always pushing and pulling, trying to make a spot for myself. People be looking at me like…We ain’t invite you in here? ~smile~

All I know is, there has to be a place for me somewhere. There has to be a place where I will be encouraged to give and grow and people won’t be intimidated or annoyed by my potential.

I have to figure this out…My channels of communication with God are clouded due to my emotional state. I think my period is coming on or something man… I need clarity. I need it now. I know it’s coming. I do trust and believe for my perfect answer in God’s perfect timing.

And…I know my family will be okay…

The Lord is My Shepherd,
He KNOW What I Want

In response to the poll I posted on the website called Your Celebrity Baby Daddy, Ruby sent me this photo from a GQ photo shoot with a note that read: You forgot one.

Hot damn…

~drooling~

Who is this?

~in a trance~ hummina…hummina…hummina…

If I turned over and saw THAT getting dressed in my bedroom in the morning, he wouldn’t make it out the doe!

ohh..Daddy…Yeah…

Mmm…Yeah Daddy…

As you can see… I’m feeling much better. Thank you for your prayers and well wishes…

Let’s crank up this imagination and get back on track to the Promised Land.

I’m In The Money

Yeah, I’m a risk taker. But I do have to eat. So I have decided to turn my passion into profit by exploring the many benefits of developing blog partnerships with advertisers. Hey…I’ve heard about bloggers who have quit their jobs after becoming successful with these tools. I may have put the camel before the horse, or is that the car before the horse? Whatever it was…I can’t live on passion alone so allow me to implement a new phase into my intense blogging regimine.

It’s called PayPerPost. Another blogger introduced me to it right on time. She is a devoted blog reader and says that she has watched as whole families have been set free from the obligation of working for someone else by using these tools. ads on blogs

I’ll do my Saturday Commercial Break regularly to see if this makes a difference in the fatness of my purse. I get paid $10 to write this little post. Sounds easy enough. I think I’ll take the money and buy some new eyeshadow to attract more guys which ultimately will attract more free lunches. It’s all about filling my belly folks! I do hope you enjoy the break from my emotional life story.

Always On Time

I slept so hard last night.

I’m sure it was due to the two glasses of wine that I downed in celebration of my life’s turn around. Dang…Life changes so quickly. If you had told me last Saturday morning that just one week later I would no longer be working at the website I would have slapped you for being blasphemous. ~SMACK~

I do miss it. I miss every single detail of every single part of my job. Yep, those duties I created for myself and those that were actually assigned were my complete joy. For God to lead me away from there only assures me that He has something greater in mind for me. And guess what? I know what it is! But I’ll tell you all about it another time.

This week held a period of serious low points for me following the demise of my cell phone. Without my lifeline to my cheerleaders and support group I was beaten down by negativity and doubt and fear. I had no food, except for the donation that someone gave me. I had no money to even go buy bread to make a pb&j sandwhich. And then my friend called me a QUITTER when I told her I left my job. That hurt so much. When I confronted her about it she said, “I was just telling you what everyone else is going to think.”

When did you or I ever care about what anyone else thinks? What matters is what we think of each other.

But I brushed her statement off because my other friends were celebrating my bold move.

“Tee,” Kenya told me. “For you to walk away from that job shows that you know what you are worth. It inspired me.”

But what could have stopped me from leaving once I knew that it wasn’t an environment that would be a positive support system for my growth?

Fear?

Fear of what?

Fear of homelessness? Sorry…I’ve done that already.

Fear of embarrassment? Wha? I have no shame.

Fear of starting over again? ~yawn~ I’m a pro at that. Each time I go right back at it armed with even more knowledge than before.

The Game of Life teaches that all fear is equated to faith in evil instead of good.

I remember how I used to have all kinds of nightmares about what my BBDD would do to hurt me and how he could plot schemes to see my destruction. My friends would propagate those fears by giving me warnings and scenarios, “Girl, watch out, he could be planning to…” Listening to them had me all wound up, giving him full power over my thoughts and affecting my reality.

Child please…My BBDD has no power over me. Even if he IS trying to hurt me in some way, God’s protection over my life won’t allow it and every harmful wish he sends my way will be hurled back into his own life with just as much venom. I took my power back when I stood up to the worriers in my life and told them, ” My BBDD has no power over me. PLEASE stop trying to warn me to watch our for what he can do. He can’t do anything without God’s permission.”

And they stopped. Which allowed me to place my faith in God’s divine favor instead of having faith that the evil of this world will overcome me.

I want a barbecue sandwhich.

Hey? Where did that come from? But doesn’t that sound nice?

God gave me the sweetest blessing yesterday as He assured me that He will grant every desire of my heart if I will only have unshakeable faith in Him. When I woke up yesterday morning, I woke up with a praise in my heart and thanked God for his provision.

I stayed up late the night before doing my budget and paying bills, paying off old speeding tickets and so forth. By the time I was done, I shook my head at what was left. I can either buy groceries or buy gas, either or.

But I smiled and reminded myself that God is my supply.

So I hopped on my computer to commence planning for the next leg of my journey. I was into it, loving every minute of tweaking the vision and preparing for success. I got an email from a homegirl in Ocala, she told me that her friend in Dallas had asked if I was doing okay.

“Tell him I’m hungry,” I wrote back quickly.

She wrote back, “If you’re serious I’ll call you and call him 3 way.”

“Hell yeah I’m serious.”

So they called and we chatted and I told him what area I lived in. We agreed to meet at a nearby restaurant. While I got dressed I said to myself and God, “I wish I didn’t have to sit with this man just to fill my belly. I wish he would just take me to the grocery store, that way I’ll have food for later.”

But I prepared to entertain the man and went to meet him. When he got out of his car I smiled because he looked like an older version of Kanye West. He walked over to me, gave me a quick hug and handed me his business card and two crisp bills. I looked at him in surprise.

“What’s this?”
“Bren said you needed food. I figured you could go to the grocery store.”

I grinned. THANKS GOD!

I LOVE when men give me money! Ooooh! There’s nothing like the feeling of walking away from a man who is completely satisfied by the fact that he was able to be a source of provision in my life. That is so sexy to me! It’s like he wants nothing in return but to make sure that I am smiling and I have what I want. He wears this look of pride that is well deserved.

I thanked him and walked back to my car. WOW! God gave me EXACTLY what I wanted and needed! As I sat in my car and buckled up, my eye caught sight of a piece on paper on the floor of the passenger side. I reached over to pick it up and saw that it was an old check for $15! I cashed that sucker and headed straight to Walmart for groceries!

Little by little. Bit by bit. But always right on time.

If you choose to place your trust in Him regardless of what your friends, or the rest of the world says, you will ALWAYS come out on top.

I’m expecting many more miracles! I can’t wait to share them with you.

~smile~