Share My World

Transitioning In the Spirit

God, you know I can’t take back who I am any more than I can change the way you made me look. The desire of my heart for my blog was to be able to evaulate myself through my writing for a better understanding of who I am and my growth.

Sometimes I do mask what I’m truly feeling. I tend to make people look better than they are in reality because I want to see them in that light forever.

I trust you God. Whatever you have to do, please do.

My character is such that I am fair and honest and I walk in integrity. I don’t meet many people with those qualities but I expect that they are out there.

If this uneasiness in my heart is of you, then please show me where you are leading me. There is no mal intent or maliciousness in me. I ask for peace as I make this next transition toward my destiny. Settle this issue in my heart, now and forever.

I’m scared but…I’ll be okay with whatever you decide to do. For the lessons you have to teach me along the way, I thank you.

I’ll wait for your answer, in earnest expectation.

Sometimes You Just…Know

You won’t believe what happened to me on Monday. I got stuck in my building when the power went out. Yeah…I went in to work on Memorial Day because I didn’t have anything else to do. ~shrugs~ When the power went out, I looked around and realized that I didn’t know where the stairs were and the elevators weren’t working. It was daytime so it wasn’t dark, but there I sat, captive for a little more than an hour.

I texted my director and she said she didn’t know where the stairs were either. We need to have a fire drill or something, there has to be more than one way out.

I didn’t flip out. It’s not like I was in the elevator when the power went out. I just sat in the nice cozy chair in the lobby and looked through the picture albums on the table. I took this picture while I was sitting there.

The Radio Man has met ERRYBODY over the years! Dang! There’s pictures of him with Bill Clinton. He has pics with James Brown. His foundation has given away a ton of money and ofcourse…there were pics of The Prez looking all young. How come he is so georgeous to me? It makes absoutely no sense for him to be single when he looks like that. But I am not going to be sweating him…anymore. I’m sure there are enough chicks out there who do that already. ~folding arms~

If you had a chance to come and see the office, you’d flip because of all the Black businesses I’ve worked for, it is hands down the most beautiful. There is a long hallway filled with nothing but awards, plaques, trophies, ribbons. Every city has honored the Radio Man with keys and so many universities have awarded him honorary degrees. I would have never thought that. Wow.

~sigh~ He’s done so much.

I have so much to do in this world.

I had such a crazy day today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I feel so much pressure to achieve. The pressure is overtaking me and I can’t even stop it. I feel like I’m running out of time. I feel like if it doesn’t happen right now, my whole world is going to collapse. I know I have it in me to succeed but I won’t allow myself to celebrate anything I do because I can’t let go of the big picture and I haven’t even won a Pulitzer yet. I haven’t even made the New York Times bestsellers list yet. No one has offered me my own line of Hallmark cards or my own television show. Cover Girl still hasn’t called me.

It’s like I KNOW I can do it. I know it will happen. I just haven’t been stable enough to really focus on it.

Tonight I feel weird while writing this. I feel like I’m putting on a show. For the first time ever this feels like I’m writing for an audience instead of sharing my life for myself and allowing others to peek into what I’m doing.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t written while I was unemotional in a long time. Imagine watching The Matrix 3 times in a row while your’e high. Then watch it again when you’re not. Big difference huh?

Emotions are my high. I like to be high.

I guess I usually write because I have a burning desire to figure something out but tonight I figured it out before I sat down to vent my thoughts.

I am truly a superstar.

Some people WISH they were.

Some people dream about being one.

I am one.

And I feel it from the inside out.

And it’s weird that no one has to validate that view, I just KNOW.

And it’s also weird that I know and it hasn’t really happened yet.

Sometimes you just..know. And all you can do is wait…and continue to do your thing. And hold on to your true friends because you can recognize the fake ones starting to appear. ~sigh~

It has to happen…My baby promised me.

“You’re gonna touch the sky, BABYGIRL!” – My Dream Lover, Kanye West

The Tipping Point

I fucking love it.

Excuse me while I enjoy the waves of pleasure coursing through my body inch by inch, setting fire to my spirit and awakening me in a way that proves that I have only been half awake before this very moment.

I get it.

I’ve been trying to run away.

This new position and place in my life has presented multiple challenges and my immediate reaction is to say, “Forget it, I’m gone. I can make it on my own. I don’t need their input or advice, no one but God can move me anyway.”

But they’ve been patient with me.

In the past, at every company that I have been with, my goal was to stay and learn and grow and become an asset to the company simply because I like serving others and helping them grow but each time I presented a new marketing plan or a new outline of my job description I was rewarded with, “You’re fired.”

So this time when I settled in, I made sure to give my Director exactly what she wanted but I decided to expand that and give more. I didn’t ask permission this time, I just did it. Imagine my surprise when instead of hearing, “You’re fired.” I heard, “Good job.”

Huh? I’m not fired?

Aiight. If you didn’t say anything about that then watch me do THIS without asking!

~Ta, daaa!~

“Excellent, Tee!”

Huh? I can do that too? ~scratching head~ Are you sure?

~raising eyebrow~

It’s about to be on! They’re giving me creative freedom to flex and have as much fun as I want. My Director told me, “I trust you.”

For real? Damn…

Let me explain what is that I do.

When we have advertisers who order campaigns on our site, my job is to make sure that there is sufficient content to support their campaign so that our page view goals are met. In order to do that I have to sit down and think about who the advertiser is and what kind of stories would entice the target audience of the advertiser.

In addition to gathering content from our content sharing partners, my goal is for the content to be so fresh and specific to our audience that they can’t keep themselves from clicking and reading.

This is where I set the vision for the campaign and make a detailed list of topics I’d like to read about that support the vision. I have to make sure that there is enough fresh content to “roll out” the entire time the campaign is active which may be a month or a few months, depending on the contract. I also have to present my vision to the designers who will usually design a fresh page to meet my vision for the type of content I want to present. I also have to be mindful of incorporating the ads into the page design and also ensuring that my content is featured on the homepage in a variety of ways so that people will know it’s there.

Then I have to assess what writers I have working with me and decide who may be best to write each type of story because some of the stories are more research oriented while others are more flirty and fun.

In order to gather a group of writers I had to put ads out in different writing groups and ask for suggestions from bloggers I know. If you know a writer, tell them to contact me. I will give everyone an opportunity to show what they can do.

Every writer comes with a specific skill set that I am becoming more familiar with but they all have one thing in common; they’re hungry. They’re just like I was a year ago. I knew I had a gift and I wanted to use that gift, but I had no medium to put it out there. A writer without clips is not really a writer, at least that’s the gatekeeper into the journalism profession.

My goal is to allow brand new writers with little to no experience to have an opportunity to learn and grow with me as I become an even better editor. This experience has been rewarding for me because I love to coach writers but I’m also learning a lot about how to manage writers. I managed writers in Atlanta and they hated me for the most part because I challenged them. I was too rough with them. I eventually learned how to talk to them without offending them but ALL writers are sensitive about their work so it’s a hard cross to bear.

These writers are special because they come with so many rough edges and I have to remember that they may or may not have studied journalism like I have and I have to have compassion. But at the same time, I don’t want to coddle them or over edit their stories because if they take their clips to another publication, they won’t be able to deliver or deal with even more demanding editors like I have.

There’s a couple of shining stars in my armory of writers but one stands out among the rest. I’m kinda hard on her because I see what she can be. Her writing is so good that when she gave me her first story I had to ask her, “Did you really write this?”

The reason I love her so much is the fact that she’s dependable, she meets deadlines and when I give her an assignment, she puts her own spin on it and it turns out better than what I envisioned it to be. But the MAIN reason I love her is the fact that she offers herself to me. She’s hungry. When I was in Atlanta, she wrote me telling me that she wanted to write and could I please give her a chance.

I did give her a chance to contribute but her writing wasn’t ready yet. Or maybe the publication wasn’t a good match for what she could do. I didn’t publish her. When she learned that I had moved on to the website, she emailed me saying, “If there is any opportunity for me to write, please let me know.”

With other writers I have to go after them and present them with the opportunity because they’re not paying attention but SHE went after the opportunity herself and if there is any chance for advancement, she will be the first person I consider. Imagine where I’ll be in 5 years and guess who will be right there with me as we continue to trust each other and work well together.

If you see someone who is doing what you want to do, REACH OUT TO THEM. Ask them for advice or see if they could use your help. I’m not perfect and I continue to develop my leadership style but I WILL GET THERE.

Tonight I made a point to call the website’s Managing Editor and we chatted about her career, her philosophies on managing writers and what her ultimate vision for her life was. I asked for advice about different aspects of shaping content and we discussed how important it is to feed and empower Black people with the stories of their lives.

By the end of the conversation, our tones were relaxed and even a couple of, “Hell yeah’s” were peppered into the dialogue. We work well together because we both come to the table with no feelings of competition. We both truly want to see others grow and we want to present the best work for ourselves and our company.

I love THE RADIO MAN. I just had to add that. I can’t believe he started all of this and now look what it has become and look what it will do for my future!

I sat down with my Director today. Now I mentioned before that she’s cute but that’s not the best thing about her. The best thing about her is her ability to speak to me and give me room to show what I can do.

My last publisher in Houston felt like she had to hold my hand the entire time and it caused me to doubt my ability to perform. After I left there I realized this truth: If you always treat a baby like a baby, they never grow. Sometimes you have to turn around and let them sit up for themselves, using their own method. And you have to appreciate them for who they are and the what they bring to the table.

I am DEFINITELY going to write a book about the lessons I’ve learned from working for so many different leaders. You can try to imitate the idea but it won’t sell as many copies as mine, I promise you. My insite is amazing and I go into any relationship with a boss, LOOKING for lessons and principles to carry with me to the day when I am the head honcho.

Anyway, I sat with my Director today and we spoke about my position in the company and my progress and she said, “I gave you a job description and what you are actually doing is far beyond what I asked you to do. You came in and crafted the position into something that we have never done before but I must say it is very much valued and appreciated. I see that you are having challenges but they have nothing to do with your work.”

~blushing~ I have social challenges.

She challenged me to sit still and overcome the hurdles that come with working in a corporate office. Those of you who have been following me for years KNOW that I have never been able to handle the social politics of an office because I don’t care about that. I don’t care about being invited to parties.

I don’t care about having a clique to eat lunch with or what the latest gossip is and who is lying on who and who is sleeping with who. I have so much going on in my own world and in my imaginary love life that I don’t have time to sit down and have a whole conversation about someone else when it doesn’t affect me directly.

It offends my soul when I hear negative gossip and people saying, “I don’t like her.” Whenever I hear that kind of gossip I stamp the person and remember to never tell them anything that I don’t want the whole office to know because if they gossipped WITH ME then they will surely gossip ABOUT ME in the same manner.

Let me tell ya, I have never had a problem with making friends. I have always been extremely popular and I believe there are several reasons why.

1. I don’t TRY to be friends with anyone. I allow the connections to be made naturally.
2. I look for the best in everyone I meet and I celebrate that by pointing it out to them.
3. I don’t judge harshly. Your lifestyle is your lifestyle and as long as you’re not disrespecting me, we can be cool.
4. I don’t try to sway others opinions in a negative way. Just because I didn’t connect with someone doesn’t mean they are horrible and I should run and tell everyone to hate them. We just didn’t have a connection. Anyone who interacts negatively with someone based on what someone ELSE told them instead of using their own judgement is a pure FOLLOWER and…you really need to get a new leader because a real leader won’t encourage you to hate others. Leaders lead toward PEACE.
5. I DO ME. I ain’t walking around worried about what people will say about what I wear or who I’m sleeping with.
6. I’m focused on my own goals so I don’t have time to worry about (or gossip about) what others are doing. I don’t care what they are doing. There are some who just watch and criticize others as they are living their lives while there are those who are being watched and criticized for living their lives. I prefer to be the latter.
7. I love people. Everyone is special to me. Each person’s flaws are divine markings in my eyes. I love to discover the different interests or personality quirks in people because I have so many and I would hope that people find them endearing as well.
8. I don’t believe everything I hear. People are liars sometimes and they may shape a story to benefit their objective. I do it too sometimes so I always take stories with a ~sigh~. Entertainment purposes only.

As far as feeling like I have to humble myself to be accepted socially in the workplace. That ain’t gonna work with my personality. My sorority experience was valuable and I encourage every Black woman to have that experience based on the lessons you learn about working with a wide variety of women and not being able to give up on them, but I frown on the whole, “You’re beneath me for 10 weeks and then one day we light a candle and sing a song together and now we’re best friends” deal.

Naw, shawty. I will never be true friends with someone who feels as though they have to make me earn their friendship because that is not God’s way and I only want God given friendships. If I have to go through a “process” to make friends at work, they will never be my friends. I give love freely to anyone who wants it and I expect to attract women who do the same.

I’m writing all this because I am so excited to learn from the professionals that God has placed in my life. My team is strong in personality and talent and regardless of how cold it is in the office, how loud the TV is or how many playlists that need to be coded at the last minute, we never let each other down. We do work well together.

This is the place that God has for me. I will not run from it, I will receive it all and endure the lessons that I am supposed to learn from being in such a different working environment. There are plenty of people to learn from and I’m open to allowing them to speak into my life, if they have something positive to say.

Thank you God for answering my prayer because I was almost outta there and I would have really missed out.

Hurry

If the internet was a man, I’d have unprotected secks with it.

And we’d have lots and lots of little baby blogs.

~sigh~

My Father’s Day page and the Black Music Month page are about to launch. ~giggle~ There’s nothing more exciting than when the page launches and everyday the new content is rolled out. Ooh, it turns me on so much!

Today you won’t believe what I did.

I am so turned on right now.

I woke up early, got dressed and went straight to my office. The clock read 8:30am when I arrived and my computer wasn’t working properly but I was patient. It took more than 3 hours to get it functioning properly but then it finally worked.

So I sat. And I wrote. And I managed content. I and I wrote stories. And I loved every second of it. Cuz it was quiet. No one was there. I could concentrate. I could focus. And I did focus and I got so much work done. It was like.. It was like…

It was like…

It was like… 7 minutes in… when you got the rhythm flowing just right. And everything is slippery wet. And there’s an unstated competition going on. You’re looking him in the eye. He’s looking you in the eye. And all you want, as you ride out on top, is to make his eyes go to the back of his head. So you do your nasty dance…. On top… You pop and shake. You wiggle a little. You squeeze and flex… you pop and shake… You drop it.drop it again… Cuz it feels so good… He smacks that ass… you like that shit too… it’s good to you both…but you’re determined…to make his scream your name…so you do a slow wind… and you bounce up and down… and you bite your lip… and you slow down… and he slaps that ass again…. Don’t stop ma….but you wanna make him beg….so you slow down some more…then his eyes get big…Don’t stop ma…Can u wait a minte daddy?…Can you hold on a minute daddy?… I wanna ride… but it’s so good… It feels so good..that you can’t contain yourself…you’re scratching and pulling…he’s gripping your hips… you’re just bouncing with a strength you didn’t know you had….and it’s good…and you see the video camera..it’s on…and you smile and bite your lip again… cuz it’s good… and you feel good… and he’s about to scream…and you can tell.. and you love the power…the power of the pussy… its nice…you got it all….and you drop…DROP…wind…wind…. til he collapses…ahhhh….u own that shit…

That’s my job feels to me…

I own that shit.

I love that shit.

I worked all day. In the quiet.

I stopped at 5:45 because I couldn’t take the hunger pains anymore. So I grabbed some Mickey D’s and came right back to the office. TO work some more. ANd I loved every second of that shit. Cuz I love that fucking job. I do what I do best. It’s so secsy to me.

But then Kim called me. Talking about her condo. And I made myself leave. Cuz it was 11:45. And i didn’t want to seem like a total nerd, staying past midnight. Then I went home.. And wrote some more. And listened to Luke on Youtube. And shook my ass a lil bit all by myself.

And then I finished my bottle of wine. And shook my ass some more. ANd fantasized about the day when… I’ll have an audience to shake my ass for. Boy I tell you.. I ain’t used to this celibacy shit. I wanna fuck.. straight up. And yeah it may be the wine talking but whatever. I’m a woman dammit. And i got this… uhhh…tension inside of me.. and I wanna release it.. And i’m tired of holding back…but I don’t want nobody’s EMPLOYEE. I want what I want dammit!

And if my standards are too high, so be it. I’m a freak. I wanna be freaky. And I don’t wanna hide it. I like what I like. And I want my man to like it too.

I feel like Im on the moon somewhere instead of in another state. This aint no easy trip. Can I meet a wonderful man who wants to take care of me.. ANd let me take care of him…Damn… I don’t even know wat I;m saying…but I speak the truth. I’m tired of being abstinent and shit.

FUCK. I want to feel a man’s hands all over me… Touching me.. I can’t take this. I usually just look… and choose who I want. but I promised God…that Ill wait. Until he presented the man He has for me.

Um… hurry up God I’m about to explode. I’m gonna do him VERY nicely God. As long as he is nice to me.

I’m out of breath… So tense. Wondering when.. a bitch gonna feel some hands.. all over me…Smacking me… Making me scream.. .Fuck…I need some lovin… This Dallas shit is over rated. THough I like my job… I’m still a woman.. designed to be…invaded…flipped over… smacked and dominated. Just like I like to dominate.

Damn… I’m gonna cry. I need to be touched. Its that serious. Help. I finished off a bottle of wine and I’m senseless. All I know is that… I wanna be kidnapped.. I wanna be taken hostage. and taken advantage of…

All I can do is sigh. Cuz I love my job so much. And I love to work on the weekends. Even on the weekdays. I come in early. I have to. So I can work in the quiet. I need quiet. Lord…Im so hrony Im sorry. I dont mean to be. But Im lonely.

And i’m mad. Cuz I don’t have anyone to touch me. I feel like an alien. I feel like I’m on mars. My eyes are blurrued, U cab vakeek eee,====000

He;llo.

U can barek see, vut I annat to say that ,,, I’m tied of being celibate. I want to be with my baby. I dpnt know where he is… I cam all the way here.. Am i sonna move woemwgehre ekse? I don’t want to. I anna say here. I don’t know. I can’t be mysself every night like this. THis is n’t healthy for a chich like me.

Oh God… Wha do I do?

I wanna be right nit;//I wanna be touch,ed.

Here I am…sitting on the living room florr. Chicp toothed.

I have on my blue lingerie. I wear it so when I danc I can see my ass shake.

Girls like me too. I think tha’s a trup. Cuz although I find them attractive and sexy., I don’t want them to touch me. I ont know what that means. All I know is…if my man wants to look I won’t mind..cuz I’ll be looking too…

Lord…I don’t know. You know what’s up with me… Help me to get the interbiwis I requested. At least 3 of them. I’ll be okat..

I may need to maserbae.

30 seconds or less and I’m eeling NICE!!!

LOL!
I’m numn.. But I’ll try it anyeay..

One love.. Love yourelf ,,, dont worry aboyt the next bitch because she is too worried about you…

~yawn~ I think i need ot get some rest.

Sorry aboyt the blurry biion.. I cant really seee wghat I m typig I lll i nknow is… I need to be touched. Soon.

Please God… can this be the end of the wait for me.. I want someone who would turn me out. Try everyting wuth me,. includng loving me… I’m qite freaky,,,

Wnna see?

Watch me…

Yawn…

Im boring..

Let me do entertain myself.

i do love th lord… pleas hurry while Im doing the eighr ting…

My Best Friend’s Wedding

When the phone rang at work this past Friday, my hand instinctively grabbed for the receiver. By the time I noticed the caller ID I cringed because this was not a conversation I wanted to have.

“This is Ms. Tee,” I answered in my most professional office voice.

“Hey girrll..” her voice purred into the phone.

I stared at my lap, not knowing what to say.

“What’s wrong with you?” she asked.

I was quiet.

“You’re not coming?”

“No,” I mumbled weakly trying to hold in the tears. I couldn’t be caught crying at work again.

“Naw…Man…I didn’t call you to get this bad news. Are you serious? Are you just playing and you’re gonna surprise me and show up?”

“No. I wish I was. I just don’t have any money to fly down there, dawg. I tried. I even asked Donovan if he would send me and he told me he didn’t have it.”

“But it’s not going to be the same. You were supposed to ride with me in the limo and we were gonna get drunk and cry and hold each other on the way to the wedding.”

“I woulda been right there with you, dawg.”

“Dawg,” she paused. “But it’s okay. I guess we’ll just have to meet up one weekend and I can show you all the pictures and tell you the story while we sip some wine or something.”

I could feel the heartbreak over the phone.

Here I go. Me sitting in Dallas, Texas, lonely as hell, chasing a dream while one third of my childhood trio was getting married and I couldn’t attend.

Anna.

If you had asked Anna, any number of years ago, what she envisioned for her life in order to be successful she would have said, “I want a family and a husband who loves me.” That’s all she wanted. Now she has that..and I can’t be there to celebrate with her.

Today was her wedding. The other third in our childhood trio, Tamara , called me during the reception to let me hear the background noise so that I could feel like I was a part of the celebration.

Anna had done a great job of keeping me connected during her wedding planning process. She sent me pictures of her dress, described every detail as she made decisions and even let me write the content for her wedding website. She even called me during her bridal shower to joke with me. That made me feel so special.

I have such wonderful friends. My standards so high because of them. With Anna and Tamara, they taught me how to love women. They taught me how to be a good friend. Remember how I met them? It was freshman year of highschool and I was in the same situation that I am in now. I went to a highschool in a different neighborhood and I didn’t know anyone.

They saw me sitting by myself at lunch and they invited me to have lunch with them. I turned them down at first because I thought Anna was way too wild to be my friend. But they invited me again and I accepted and we’ve been bestfriends ever since. We even have a song- It’s Count On Me by Whitney Houston.

They both have such giving hearts. They included me in their friendship and they didn’t know me. They embraced me and never gave up on me even though I used to have such a problem communicating without yelling or being harsh. Everytime you turned around they had some new person they were taking under their wing. Even though we were very popular in highschool, we weren’t exclusive. If you were new and didn’t have any friends, you could hang with us. And when you found new friends, we were happy to see you find your place.

I guess I can’t be sad about not being there to see her dream come true because it’s over with and Tamara just called me to tell me about how beautiful everything was.

Of all the problems I could have…not having money isn’t the worst. I’m grateful that my biggest problem can be solved by working harder. I have started looking for a side job to take care of it. I’m thinking I could be a restaurant hostess or something. You know I love smiling and making people feel good.

Ruby thinks I should teach a leisure course on writing. I think that’s a good idea.

My bestfriend Anna got married today. She is now a wife.

She has a husband. His name is Tray.

Anna has a husband.

Tamara and AJ are next. Their wedding is December 31st. She will become a wife too.

Damn…We’re growing up.

Feels Like Christmas

Every night feels like Christmas Eve. I lay down wishing I could fall asleep fast so I can wake up and go to work.

Tonight I left the office at 10pm. I didn’t want to leave but since I can’t sleep there I had to go home. It’s not the people or the environment or even the perks, it’s the job. It’s what I do. I love it. I love every minute of it. I love organizing my campaigns. I love emailing back and forth with my co workers. I love coming up with new ideas and writing them down and then implementing them. I love the freedom to be able to do what I want to do and share it with readers and they love it. I love the support that I have.

And the most amazing part is my officemates. They are so fucking smart. I try not to bother them and just do my job but today I needed help so I asked and…I felt like I had to HIDE from the magnificent weight of their ideas and suggestions. They kept pouring out like a never ending waterfall and I took notes as quickly as I could and then I sat back..full. They’re so damn smart! They make every idea I have…so much better.

Nothing is too good to be true. Nothing is too good to last forever. I deserve to be in a place that I love.

After all of the glee I felt from collaborating with my co workers, I decided that I would go pay The Prez a visit since today was his first day back from his vacation. I planned carefully what I would say.

It was a brilliant line if I do say so myself, “How was your vacation?”

Nice huh?

But I procrastinated hoping that he would leave before I got a chance to stop by his office. I waited until way after everyone had gone and I took the long walk to his side of the building. I gulped when I saw his office door open and light streaming from inside. Oh shit? He’s here.

How was your vacation?

How was your vacation?

That’s all you have to say. Then he’ll answer you and you’ll start talking and you can be friends. It’s that easy.

I took a deep breath and tapped on the door.

“Who dat?” he said jokingly.

One mississippi. Two mississippi. Three mississippi.

I stepped inside and smiled weakly.

“Ms. Tee,” he greeted me.

I stood there, frozen.

He smiled at me and nodded his head.

I stood there, frozen.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I nodded.

“You don’t look like you’re okay.”

My eyes shifted downward at my outfit. “What do you mean?” I mumbled.

“You look like something is wrong with you,” he said and smiled.

“I’m fine,” I managed to say.

He smiled at me again.

How come his teeth are so perfect? I thought to myself.

He nodded at me.

I just stood there looking. I didn’t know what to do.

“Ok, bye.” I said and walked away feeling like a nerd.

I am such a dork.

I guess it’s best I didn’t say much because if I ever got a chance to say what I REALLY want to say, I may get fired.

Like: I saw that picture of you on the cruise standing next to that baldheaded chick. Ya’ll were standing entirely TOO close and that hurt my heart. Please don’t ever do that again.

and…

You better tell that comedian to keep your name OUT of her mouth. I didn’t appreciate her joke about stalking you on the cruise. That was NOT funny. She needs to find someone ELSE to stalk because I don’t play that. She better not be invited back next year.

~folding arms~

You see why it’s best that I keep my mouth closed?

Ok, I’ma try to make myself go to sleep FAST so I can wake up early and go back to work…It’s secksy in internet land…

Don’t Ask Me Where I’m Going…
Cuz I don’t know…

I am so at peace right now..

Maybe it’s because I just got off the phone with Kim. She always reminds me of where we’re going and how no one will understand unless they are going in the same direction. It’s like…I get so much unsolicited advice and labels that it’s quite funny. Why are you trying to categorize me? Oh…It’s because you don’t understand me.

Is it because you want me to be more like you? I’m sorry. I can’t be like you because I’m me. I accept you for who you are and I don’t try to push or pull you to the place where I’m going. Well…then why are you doing that to me? Can we just accept each other, as is, with no judgements or harsh words? I accept you. I promise I do. And as I move forward in my journey, I promise to NEVER push you to come with me if you don’t want to. I’ll celebrate you as long as you’re happy.

~grinning~

I love my friends. They see the world in such a BOLD WAY!

Look at my girl Kenya… This chick called me to give me an update because she was trying to figure out what she was supposed to do with her life. She said she figured it out. “I want to be a socialite!”

I almost died….

“And…I think that I’m going to be a Professional Muse!”

GO Kenya! GO Kenya!

“I love it girl! Now all you need is a sponsor…”

Come on… What kind of brilliance does it take to come up with those kind of career goals? It really takes someone who thinks outside of the box.

I promised her that I would do whatever I could do in my power to make it happen for her if she make steps to make it happen first.

I love her! She wrote a story for me recently on the website. It was actually her third try. LOL!But since she’s my friend I was patient with her and I usually have no patience for chasing writers and pulling them in. I don’t have to do that, I can write the shit myself and leave all that begging alone.

So she called me and said, “I know sometimes I’m a bit flaky and I need my hand held so…thanks for doing that…” I love her! She is so honest and so cool! She is a character. I love her because she isn’t afraid to be herself and she’s definitely not trying to put anyone down or change anyone around her. She’s focused on her own life.

The best thing about my friends is…they let me be me. And they’re not intimidated by that. And it doesn’t annoy them…much. They think it’s hilarious! They look at me as their crazy friend who doesn’t believe rules apply to her. I do know rules exist but I believe I set my own rules.

It’s like this. I am not constrained by society’s expectation of me. I say how I feel, in a respectful way. And I ask for what I feel like I deserve. I almost always get it because…I give people what they want. No matter what people have to say about me, “She thinks she’s a STAR!” “She’s standoffish.” “She smells funny.” No one can say that I have ever been rude or disrespectful to them. I’m not mean. I just..do me. If I don’t want to, I don’t do it. I don’t do stuff just to be polite. If I want something, I ask for it. I don’t wait until it is given. It’s funny to me when I try to explain that and people don’t get it. Maybe it wasn’t meant for you to get. And that’s okay.

I love my friends. They respect where I’m going and I appreciate that. They don’t try to label me or tell me what they think I should be doing. They just…laugh and listen to my stories. They believe with me, imagine with me and we have fun just trying to figure this thing out.

~sigh~

I can’t wait to connect with one of them again. Any one of them.

Ruby in Lousiana.
Kenya in Brooklyn.
Tamara in Atlanta.
Anna in Orlando.
Kim in Chicago.

I’m not inviting anyone out here until I get some furniture. And I’m not just gonna get any furniture because…hello…that’s not how I roll. I get what I want or I don’t get anything at all..but really…I’m tired of sleeping on the floor. My back hurts.

I decided today that I’m going to stop being so immersed in my position at work. Half of what I do, isn’t even required. I just love it so much that I expand it but really it’s wearing me out a little bit because to maintain it I have to come in early and leave late and come in on the weekends but that’s mainly because there’s a party in my office everyday. My officemates are popular. Add that to the fact that my friends love to call and check on me, and I am LOUD sometimes… well…it’s not too quiet.

~smile~

I do love to work hard though.

Oh guys! Guess what?

My Father’s Day Page came out! Yeah Daddy! Ok, so this page was completely my creation. I came up with all of the ideas for all of the stories and then assigned them, wrote some of them, edited them and posted them. I worked with the designer to design the page and he did a great job! It made me happy! I found the pictures for all of the stories and I even did a podcast interview with a comedian about his experience with fatherhood. And yes… every other day until Father’ Day, a brand new story will come out if you check back for updates. Yes! Lots of content! ~cheese~

I could just suck this page to death. I really need to be an editor! That process of visualizing and then managing a project turns me on so much!

But this was not a part of my job description. Do you Get it now? I did all this work and it wasn’t required. I’m not even sure it was appreciated. I hope the readers like it. I kinda feel like my visions are just adding more work to my team. If I didn’t have all of these bright ideas, they wouldn’t have so much to do.

So I think I’m gonna cut back. But just at work…I’m about to finish up the story, THE PERFECT MAN. I think it’s the perfect storyline for my first novel. I have NEVER been good at writing fiction but the story with Donovan and I ended at a great place. He is just about to get married to Ashley while I sit here alone…again. But what would happen if I decided that I wasn’t going to allow it? What would happen if I tried to break them up? What lengths will I go to in order to get him? What methods will I use? What lessons will I learn about pursuing love?

Ya’ll ain’t EVEN ready for my imagination. I’ve outlined what’s about to happen and you know it’s all about growth, honesty and drama. This will be my SECOND attempt at writing fiction because I am a horrible liar, but like Jacq.ueline Thomas told me when I spoke with her a couple of years ago- start with what you know.

So…THE PERFECT MAN is on its way.

~sigh~ Hopefully, I’ll be a best selling author by the beginning of next year. I hope everyone will go out and buy it.

Tonight I’m not going to think about the website. They be trippin me out when they ask me to do stuff that I have never done before. I try to remind them, “Hey..I’ve never done this before.”

All you gotta do is show me once and I got it..but sometimes I don’t think they realize that I’ve only been at this job for 6 or 7 weeks. It hasn’t even been 2 months yet. Can I get a little slack on the learning curve? please?

They don’t know what to do with me on this job. They don’t know how to take me. Well.. a couple of them do. But it’s only because they are as vivacious as I am. There are a couple of chicks like that. I just try to stay out of everyone’s way and stay to myself all the time. I won’t force my personality on them. I know I’m a bit much.

This is a really quiet town with very little to do. It suits me because I’m a homegirl and I just live in my fantasy world. That’s why I like the artsy community. No one is out to push you to be like them… Everyone is just like..hey man…do your thing man…cuz I’m trying to do my thing too.. No negative vibes cuz we all float on our own chords toward our own destinies and we eat our vision together, not trying to hold each other down.

I’m an artist. I miss meeting other artists. Maybe I need this corporate America experience to grow…I know it’s divine. I know it I’m supposed to be here for some reason. I just wish I could learn whatever lesson I’m supposed to learn from it because I don’t really think I’m a good fit for this and I don’t want to disrupt what they have going on. Maybe this team would be more at harmony without me. I don’t want to be the cause of that and I definitely don’t want to be in a place where I’m not feeling at peace.

God please tell me what to do. I’m just trying to give my gift. And have it embraced and appreciated.

Wanna read something cool? A reader wrote in to tell me:

…maybe its not meant for you to be a cog in the corporate machine, maybe you are the iron that the machine is made of. I myself reminisce back to my carefree days of painting pictures of things I love, like the black female physic, lol. I know that you will make it someday, you keep going, someone will notice the light within you and help reveal it to the world.

That was very nice of him… I think that when I get discouraged.

So… let me go and relax and listen to my Corinne Bailey Rae CD. That chick’s voice…Man…It reminds me of something…Something familiar and pleasant..something that I want more of…something friendly and sweet…it reminds me of…peace.

peace…

My Prayer of Jabez

I will not question who I am and why I am misunderstood.

My gift is mine.

I walk in divine guidance and God will place me in the perfect place for me to be supported and encouraged.

I will give my gift to the world.

Thank you.

Reconnecting in the Gator Nation

I had a peaceful day yesterday…

Well sort of…Since I’ve decided to try NOT to be so GRRRRR at my job, (per a request from my director) I don’t really know what to do with all of the ideas that pop into my head on a consistent basis.

Yesterday alone, I came up with 3 different ideas for feature pages for the website that would keep readers coming back CONSISTENTLY and I came up with an idea for a reality show AND another book idea. ~sigh~

I should open a store with a sign that reads: IDEAS FOR SALE.

I never run out of ideas for everything. They come quick, hard and I can always follow up with a plan to implement them. ~sigh~

That’s why I like my friend Kenya’s idea of becoming a Professional Muse. She is sooo talented. That chick is a stellar fashion designer, she’s an excellent creative and professional writer, she’s a fashionista, she’s a graphic artist too. People come alive when she’s around them. She’s just a BEAST and I can’t wait to see how we are going to make money together.

When we’re on the phone we love to fantasize about our brilliant future together. We feed each other encouraging words and I laugh because her fantasy is of us hanging out on one of her boats, she says I will be wearing orange and she’ll be wearing blue (Or vice versa, I can’t remember) and we’ll be discussing what’s the next thing we can do to change the world. ~cheese~

With my friends, it’s all about making an impact on the WORLD. I love’em!

Yesterday I had a special treat because my friend from college visited me.

I couldn’t help but giggle when I saw his facebook request to add him as a friend.

I went to his page and saw that he was at Northwestern. I hit him up and said hi, asking him if he had a girlfriend, cuz I wanted to set him up with Kim since she’s in Chicago too.

He hit me back saying that YES he has a girlfriend but he could be friends with Kim.. By the way, I’m in Dallas now visiting my parents let’s meet up.

So ofcourse I was excited because I HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE! LOL!

I gave him directions to my job and it was like… so good to see him!

Tommy.

I remember Tommy. My friend Tonya had a crush on him and it was justified because Tommy was my age, SUPER SMART and a genuinely good person. He had the most interesting group of friends and I got to know them because one of his friends was my friend and since we went to a HUGE predominately white college, all of the Black people on campus got to know each other very well.

So my FAVORITE memory of me and Tommy always makes me laugh.

It was our sophomore year of college. It was late at night. It was me, my (future) sorority sister Nikki, Tommy and 3 of his friends. We were in Beaty Towers. I don’t remember who’s dorm room it was but we were playing strip tunk PLUS making the losers take shots.

So I’ll never forget it, Tommy was NAKED like Tyrese in Baby Boy, on the floor of the bathroom throwing up everywhere. AND my girl Nikki was so sweet. She cleaned up his throw up. Ughh…. And we put him in the bed! LOL!

College was fun…..

So when he pulled up to my office building we both grinned, remembering that night. I gave him a big hug and I showed him the studio where the Radio Man does the show.

As we walked toward the elevators to go upstairs to my office I whispered, “Now I don’t think I can introduce you to too many people because I still haven’t learned their names. It’s an office but the cool thing about it is the artwork. Sometimes I just walk around like I’m in a museum, we have great pieces.”

So we walked all around the office as he asked me questions. As we left the building to go get something to eat, he asked me, “So how did you end up in Dallas?”

“That’s quite a story,” I warned him.

“Well, I want to know.”

So I told him about losing my job in Miami and how Tamara invited me to move to Atlanta and I left my boys with their daddy and then how the editor of the magazine there fired me and how I took a chance and moved to Houston for an opportunity to learn about starting my own business and the guy I was supposed to work for never made good on his promise. I told him about struggling there and working at a restaurant, working as a nanny, living with strangers and sleeping in my car while I worked as a reporter for a local newspaper. Then I told him about meeting The Prez and how I looked at his company website and saw the ad for this job….

“What a story!”

“I know!”I laughed.

When we got to the restaurant we were both still on fire.

“I’ve been bragging about you!” he told me.

“Man…I’ve been bragging about YOU!” I told him. “How was Northwestern?”

“I’m still there. I have one more semester and I’ll be done with my PhD in Engineering.”

“Are you working?”

“Yeah. I work in a lab and we do research.”

“Can you explain to me what it is you do in the lab?”

“We study granular *something*.” I kinda figured it out but I don’t know. He also mentioned that he was in the lab studying metabolism something or other. He’s so damn smart!

By the time we were seated I asked him, “So tell me about this girlfriend you have. Cuz I got a friend for you, and I bet your girl is not as cute as my friend!”

“Wanna bet?” he replied and smiled. “I shoulda brought a picture.”

“Aww… It’s like that?”

“Yeah.. Actually we broke up but I still want to get back with her even though I broke up with her.”

“Why’d you do that dummy?”

“Cuz… I met her at Northwestern, she got a masters in Theatre and then she moved and now she’s trying to move to LA and I’m not good at the long distance thing. I’m miserable.”

“I can understand that.”

“So what about you? Are you seeing anyone.”

I rolled my eyes. “Only in my imagination.”

“When was the last time you dated someone?”

I shrugged. “My Baby Daddy. That was almost 6 years ago. I was raising kids remember. I mean.. I have had secks since then. Just no one regular. Well.. last year I had someone on the regular for about 4 months but then I left Miami and that was that.”

“You haven’t met anyone out here?”

I rolled my eyes. “Hell no! I don’t like to meet guys in the street. That’s so common. In my imagination I always wanted to meet a man while I’m working and in pursuit of my destiny. I figured that he would admire me for my work ethic and envision a plan for how he can help me grow so that we can make money together. I hate meeting men who try to ask me out based on the fact that I’m cute. I learned from my Baby Daddy that being cute doesn’t make him respect you. I want someone who respects my mind and sees my potential and my Baby Daddy told me he didn’t even think I was smart.”

“It’s funny that you say that you imagined that you would meet someone in a certain way because I always imagined that when I meet the woman I was supposed to be with, that I’ll see her and I’ll KNOW. And I’ll think to myself, ‘I HAVE to have her!'”

“Well, if you have a relationship with God and that expectation has always been on your heart, then that’s probably how it will happen.”

“But that never happens…”

“Because it’s only going to happen ONE TIME Tommy! Until it happens you should chill on the dating thing. You’re wasting your time.”

“One time? But what about my girl? We met and were friends for a long time, then we started dating and she’s really nice. She could make me happy…”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that she could make you happy. Ya’ll could have a long life together, but if she’s not the one God spoke into your spirit about and you marry her anyway, imagine how you’re gonna feel when you’re out with your wife and THE ONE walks by and you lock eyes.”

“Awww..” he shuddered.

“Sometimes you have to give up something good at the wrong time, for God’s best at the right time.”

“That’s easy for you to say. My brain doesn’t work like yours. You’re a risk taker. I would never quit a job unless I had another one lined up.”

“Well..God takes good care of me and what I’ve learned this entire time is that God wants me to be happy and He provides for me. I don’t owe anyone’s job anything. God took care of me even when I wasn’t working. He protected me. Now it’s just me and Him in this city. I don’t have anyone else to spend time with..”

“Except for your imaginary boyfriends…”

I laughed. “Yeah, except for them. One of them in Kanye and the other you met today.”

“Who?”

I frowned. “The man you met in the hall. He introduced himself.”

“Is that the Radio Man’s son?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he go to (insert name of school here)?”

“Yeah.” I shrugged.

Tommy laughed. “That’s funny. So do you think he could be the one?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. HE ain’t paying me ANY attention at all. All I know is…you know how in your mind you have a flash of how something is supposed to be? Well, when I get that flash of how I wanted my husband to be and to present himself, it matches up with him. He’s kinda nerdy, which I love. And he’s smart too. But like I said, it’s all in my imagination cuz he ain’t paying me no kind of attention. We’ll see.”

“I can’t believe we’re here man. We’re all grown up.”

“Yeah.. who would have thought we’d meet up like this again.”

“Do you like it here?”

“Dallas?” I sighed. “Yeah. And it’s crazy because there is no real reason why I should like it here because I don’t hang out with anybody and I love my job but I’m not sure if it’s the perfect fit yet. I just…have this weird feeling about this city. I think it’s beautiful and I feel happy when I’m driving around by myself. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s really nice and quiet here. I haven’t seen ONE bad neighborhood yet, although I haven’t found the ‘hood’ so I can’t really speak on that part.”

“You haven’t seen the ‘hood’?”

“How could I? I hear it’s in the South. Something called Oak Cliff. I never got to see the hood in Atlanta either because I didn’t know anyone who lived there.”

“You gotta go check it out. I have already seen it. My Dad works in inspections and that’s the first thing he does when he goes to any city, he finds the hood and becomes familiar with it.”

“Man..it’s so good to see a familiar face Tommy! It means so much to me to be around someone who is not with me cuz I’m pretty or to see what my talent can do to benefit them. I feel so relaxed.”

“But you are though…”

“What?”

“Pretty…”

“Shut up. Don’t make me go off on you. I am so much more than that.”

We walked back to the office and I gave him a hug and told him to enjoy the rest of his vacation here.

“I’m gonna take you out when you get to Chicago,” he promised me. “We’ll do it big.”

“Yeah.. And you can meet Kim! Ya’ll should be friends.”

He laughed. “I’ll take both of ya’ll out then…”

“Bet… Bye Tommy.”

A fellow GATOR… It’s great to be a Florida GATOR!

Top Ten Reasons Why

I MUST HAVE SECKS RIGHT NOW!

1. Everybody who smiles at me at work makes me want to bite their damn lips off.

2. I think I may disintegrate at any moment.

3. If The Prez walks by my office one more time I’m gonna tackle him.

4. I see depression on the horizon.

5. Charlotte is spinning a web “down there.”

6. I’ve used up all my masterbation fantasies.

7. I feel like the tin man…need..oil..change… ~squeak~

8. I may rape someone soon.

9. My Mama would approve.

10. I need to stay in shape.

If I don’t blog again…it’s because I exploded from lack of affection…

I leave you all with these words of wisdom– Get all the dick you can, while you can…

It’s hard out here…

I loved you.