Verbal Calligraphy “a Night of Insight” from Alfred Gatson III on Vimeo.
I’m at the 3:00 minute mark. =)
1.11.11
Today is 1.11.11
Kinda cool huh? A day like this won’t happen again…until, 11.11.11. Right….
But today was a cool day. I took it easy. My internship starts tomorrow and I’m trying to relax my mind about things and take it as it comes. I would really need to get a new car but it’ll happen when it happens.
I started reading about A Course In Miracles today and it amazed me. The ideas it presents actually cleared some things up for me and reminded me of my ex B’s rants the other day. He kept repeating, “Nothing matters. Everything is perfect.”
Sounded kinda silly but now I understand him exactly.
Let’s do some updates on my friends.
My sister is about to get her AA degree. Her daughter is now 4 months old and too cute!
My brother is in school and doing well.
My bestfriend Tamara is stuck in the snowstorm in Atlanta right now but she’s in good company. She sent me some pics from her phone. She seems a little agitated by the weather.
My other bestfriend Anna is going through the motions with her hubby. I sense some changes about to happen. She seems to have had an awakening recently where she realizes, “I’ll get what I want or nothing else.”
I agree!
Kim is pregnant with her second daughter and her first is only 9 months old! What a way to keep the family going. She is so happy and excited about her next daughter and I am so proud of her.
I’m actually learning the character of a few people I interact with, some are pleasantly surprising while others are disappointing. It’s sad to see people you thought you should admire, fall off their pedestal. That’s why no one should be put on a pedestal in the first place, I mean everyone smells funny after they take a jog so no one is really different.
I’m managing my emotions with meditation. I made this meditation good vibe video and when I watch it I feel great.
Yeah so all in all today was a good day. My psychic friend predicted that today would be a life changing day for me, so far, on the surface I can’t see what has happened but you never know what is being cooked up behind the scenes.
I’m nervous but I hope they are all good things.
Trying The Opposite Method
My wishes have been coming true lately. I think it’s because of my New Year’s wish that “every one of my positive wishes comes true IMMEDIATELY all year long.” =)
I’ve been experiencing some ups and downs lately but EVERY SINGLE TIME the situation is resolved I sit there and think, “That was very stupid of me to worry about that, look how it all worked out with no effort on my part.”
I’m TRYING To remember that but it sometimes seems so natural to fret, just a little bit.
Today I was talking with Tamara on the phone, she’s still snowed in in Atlanta. I cringed when I heard her guy friend in the background and then I realized that this “situation” I am facing is bothering me more than I am willing to admit.
I’m really trying to be strong about it because I’m a counselor so I should know how to get through this but I feel like my emotions are flip flopping and even when I have a good day, by the time night falls, I’m feeling anxious again.
“Prince,” I told my best friend. “The sound of [His] voice scares me.” I was referring to her guy friend. Prince answered with a twinge of annoyance, “Why does it scare you?”
I didn’t respond. I changed the subject.
But really, the idea of her alone with that man makes me fearful for her.
I try to grasp the good thoughts about the men that I’ve encountered I really do. I try to believe that there exists men who want nothing more than to be a good friend but it’s hard.
I feel like I’m back at square one with every man being an enemy. Which is hard to deal with since everywhere I go, men approach me to ask me out. But I don’t want to sit across from them. I don’t want to let them know me. I can’t.
They don’t deserve it. They take my kindness for stupidity and they get mad when I won’t be who they want me to be in their lives. When I am not who they want me to be, they act like children, trying desperately to sabotage any other positive relationships I may develop with others so that no one else will possibly have a positive relationship with me.
They lash out with criticisms. They try to make me believe that I am not a good person. While I know that I define myself for myself I am just weary of standing strong against these childish reactions to their lack of control over me.
I am so tired of meeting childish men.
But instead of complaining and feeling sad I want to do something different, I will MAKE myself believe that the OPPOSITE of what I just experienced will come to pass under grace in perfect ways.
And I’ll leave it at that.
Heaven On Earth
Dear God,
I feel like Celie from the movie Color Purple. LOL
But anyway… Dear God.
I am filled with so much bliss right now. My sons just fell asleep after we watched a movie called Big. I’ve been having so much fun with them since I lost both my jobs that I can not do anything but hold back the tears cuz I am so grateful that happened. Everything has just been working out for me. It seems kinda scary at first. Like last week my landlord came to my door asking me to leave cuz I was a month behind on my rent. I looked at her like she was crazy and then I just..waited.
I tried to freak out a bit but it wouldn’t come out full force because I know everything always works out for me. Ok, Ok, just ONE night I sat in a daze wondering how I’d pull through but just like always everything worked out.
Like, whatever direction life pushes you in, it always works out.
And now, watching my boys sleep I feel like the luckiest woman alive. They are so smart and full of color and full of life and so eager to learn and explore.
Yesterday we walked downtown and a woman invited us into an art gallery and we went and found out that they were having an art walk where all the galleries were open showcasing their art and offering food to the participants. My boys were elated as we strolled through each gallery, me sampling the art, them sampling the snacks.
We were exposed to a new type of art we had never seen before called Mixed Media. The artists took original photographs and painted over them in some parts creating this weird cool awesome type of paintings and I was in awe for real as I chatted with the artists about their inspiration.
“I’m living the dream,” one artist said as a crowd gathered around her studio.
I wanted to cry.
Today was also a crazy day for me because my sons finally said, “Mom, please tell us what is going on with you and why you keep saying ‘I’m Sorry’ and ‘XYZ’ (the name of a guy I admire).”
I gulped. I paused but I went ahead and told them. “I have anxiety. It’s where I feel afraid but really there’s nothing to be afraid of but I still feel afraid in my heart.”
“So you say ‘I’m sorry’ to calm you down?” My son asked.
“Yes. I do.”
“Well, why do you say XYZ when you’re feeling anxiety?” they asked.
I gulped. “Well, XYZ is the name of a man who treated me very well and I liked him a lot and not too many men have treated me well so for some reason, when I’m feeling scared I say his name without trying to.”
“Yeah, I get it,” my older son said. “It’s like a relief for you to remind you that all men aren’t bad.”
I smiled my biggest smile. It felt so good to be understood.
“Yeah, you got it!”
“But Mama. Do you think if one day you get married you won’t have to say XYZ anymore?”
“Good question. I hope not. I hope if I ever get married, the person I’m with will make me feel safe so I won’t have to think back to that other guy.”
“Yeah, you’ll be going home to him everyday so you won’t be scared anymore,” my younger son said.
I smiled a half smile.
Yeah. If that ever happens.
I am so glad they understood about my anxiety. I can’t hide it anymore. It just comes out and that’s part of the reason why I don’t like to get to know people because I just blurt out random phrases when I’m feeling anxious and its so embarrassing.
My friends are used to it by now and I guess my kids are becoming understanding.
I was invited to a poetry reading tonight and I took my sons. It was different from the open mic nights I have attended because no one performed, everyone, mostly older people in their 40’s and up just sat there and read poetry. When my turn came I performed as usual. You know I can’t sit down. It felt good to perform in front of a new crowd. I performed a piece I had never performed before. Listen…
Afterwards my boys and I walked home holding hands and talking about our day. They had forgotten that we got an early start by going to the laundromat. Since I don’t have a car anymore we had to walk, but they were so helpful and we got things done in about 2 hours.
Clean sheets! YES!
Clean underwear! DOuble yeah!
I am so grateful for this weekend, this time to spend laughing with them and talking to them and sharing wisdom. We talk like we are friends. We tease each other. We each have this “thing” we do when we get frustrated so we imitate each other all the time.
“Do ya’ll cuss yet?” I asked them.
“Well, not really. Every once in a while he’ll say the D word if he hits his foot or I’m making him mad but we don’t like to say bad words all the time.”
We talk about girls and I try to remind them that if they don’t worry about it, the girls will come. My older son seems stressed about it because the boys in his class are getting girlfriends and he hasn’t had one yet.
“Those hoes gonna be on you before you know it,” I told him. “In fact, I guarantee at least 20 girls will like you before you graduate highschool!”
His eyes grew wide and he started off into space. “20 girls?”
“At least,” I assured him. “You’re gonna have fun getting to know them and seeing what girls are like but don’t stress over one cuz there are a LOT of girls out there and someday someone is gonna love you.”
I know I say this everytime but when I’m with them I feel like my BEST me. I feel like I’m magic and I wish I could feel like this all the time.
I was talking to Tamara the other day and I told her that I want my boys to come live with me before they graduate highschool and she said she doesn’t know how that will happen with me going into the creative field like I want to.
I know. Working as a counselor is not my plan at all. I just really want to get through this internship unscathed and learn as much as I can so i can bust the doors open in journalism again.
I wish! I wish! I wish!
And maybe I’ll be able to take care of my boys again.
Oh yeah, my boys said their Dad is now co managing partner for his new law firm. Go head! He’s doing really well. He’s taking great care of my boys too. He’s got a cute new girl who is NOT insecure like the last one and he has a beautiful home he owns. I hope he’s happy.
One day I’m going to get there too, if I can just get through these last two semesters and they’re already starting off dramatically. ~sigh~
I feel like Miss Sophia from the Color Purple, “All my life i had to fight!”
And fight alone at that, but if I don’t fight for me, who will?
So, let me go ahead and handle this to the best of my ability, trusting that the outcome, whatever it is, will be for my best interest. It always is! That is why I am NEVER afraid to lose cuz when I lose, i actually win.
Behind That Red Door
I always wanted a house with a red front door.
Behind that door would be all the treasures of life. Happy, healthy kids. Nice food smells cooked by someone other than me. A nice cool breeze. Cozy furnishings.
Late at night I’d sit on the patio. It would be an upstairs patio close to the sky. No mosquitoes. Just a few candles and a bottle of wine and some snacks. My laptop and me. No one can hear me because I don’t live so close that I can hear forks scraping on plates downstairs.
I’d sit there and smile thinking of all the adventures I had in life. I’d smile and I’d laugh and I’d smile and I’d laugh.
And my phone would ring because somebody loves me and wants to laugh with me.
And then if I’m lucky, someone would peek out the patio door and join me. And we’d get tipsy together under the stars.
And hold each other close and fall asleep.
I’d feel safe. And comforted. And alive and free.
Behind that red door.
Remembering The Look
It was just a “look” he gave me. I don’t know what it meant really.
I’d be in my counseling session all frantic and upset feeling crazy about not being able to get past the issues I have with men. I’d sometimes cry and get angry and he’d say, “Tee, you KNOW how to stop this.”
And I’d get mad and say, “If I knew how to stop it I’d be doing it!”
Then I’d look at him.
And then I’d stop.
I still don’t know what he was talking about but it worked.
So now, I’m going through this inner turmoil and to stop myself I think of him and that “look” and then I’ll calm down.
Cuz somehow I think maybe it meant it was a conscious choice for me not to be frantic and upset. But I don’t know.
All I know is, it worked.
And I still remember that “look” and its calming affect on me.
And I miss that.
Out Of Respect
I hadn’t heard from her in over 6 months but there she was again in my ear, sweet as pie, “Hi Tee. Happy New Year.”
I’ll never tell her that her voice is so beautiful to me cuz I don’t want to get her hopes up.
I don’t like her like that but when she wants to see me I go because I respect the fact that she likes me and I appreciate her for showing it.
But it was the same old complaints as we sat in the bar having drinks and talking. “Why don’t you like me?” “Why are you so mean?” “You don’t fuck with me.”
I’m like, “Look. I DO fuck with you. I answer your calls, I came to meet you. You should be glad its like this you get time with me when YOU want it, I don’t turn you down. I just don’t sweat you.”
She made a face and turned away from me.
I mean I wish I could like her but I don’t feel anything when I see her. She’s cute and bubbly and funny but other than that we have nothing in common.
I can’t talk to her about things I like to talk about. When I think about it, I think the only reason she likes me is because she thinks I’m pretty.
“How do you look now?” she asked softly before I agreed to meet up with her.
“I look the same. My hair is longer,” I replied and sighed.
It’s nice to be appreciated for being “pretty” but there should be something more.
I mean, for real. I don’t want to hurt her feelings so i try to handle her with care at the same time she’s better off finding someone who she matches with in lifestyle. I do not match with her.
But I don’t want to hurt her feelings so when I hear her sweet voice say, “I want to see you, Tee.” I go.
Out of respect for someone who likes me and cares enough to show it.
Looking Over My Shoulder
I hate the fact that wherever I go when people stare at me I’m thinking about what their motives are and I’m on guard. People stare at me all the time. It’s like a ripple effect when I walk down the street. When men look at me, I’m wondering who sent them and why. When I see a man on his cell phone walk past and he gives me a backward glance I’m wondering who he is alerting to which direction I’m walking and what they are planning to do to me.
I notice EVERYTHING.
I even feel like this when I am at home behind closed doors. I hate it. I hate not ever feeling safe in this world.
I wish.
I wish.
I wish.
I could realize that sense of safety in this lifetime.
I could finally feel protected and cared for in this lifetime.
I could find a place to be where I know that no one is after me to hurt me.
Fear is faith in evil. The expectancy of bad things.
Why do I expect bad things to happen to me?
~go deeper~
We often expect what we feel we deserve. Why do I feel I deserve bad things to happen to me?
~go deeper~
Is it because regardless of my financial class I have always been a woman of privelege, believing I can have and attaining everything I ever wanted? Is it the fear of my own innate powers?
I’m going to figure this out.
I Woke Up From The Dream
I’ve been posting a lot lately and its mainly because it’s tax season so my BFF is busy and I have things to say and I don’t want to bother anyone else.
Yesterday my BFF called to encourage me to do something different. “Tee, you have to do something besides sit in the house in front of the computer.”
I was annoyed but I listened. “Look, when I’m home and I’m creating I’m building bricks for my future.”
“I’m not saying don’t do that but you have to have some fun too,” she explained.
“This IS fun!”
“Tee. Go do something.”
So I took her Mom up on her offer to attend her church. While I was there last night I was super annoyed by the message he preached. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it may be the way I think but when I realized that EVERYTHING is a social construction, it’s difficult for me to just believe what people tell me. So I’m sitting there and he’s screaming into the microphone and I don’t see him as a spiritual authority just because he’s wearing a robe and calling himself a shepherd. I see him as a man who wants to be a leader so he created this church and created these rituals and people who don’t trust hearing from God themselves, come to him for guidance.
So he had us do all kinds of rituals and sing songs and my back was hurting from the kneeling and standing and he’s a MAN, just like any other man. Why should I follow you? I wanted to scream and run out of there.
I don’t get it. What’s wrong with me? It’s like I woke up from the dream that everyone else is living and I don’t see things as they do. I see the reality of it. No one is better equipped to guide me than I am. No one is more holy than me. And what is holy anyway? No one controls my destiny but me. We are all playing roles WE created but we think they are real.
It’s like a big play but the characters don’t know its a game and they can stop at any time.
I’m scared for me. I don’t know how to play the game like everyone else. What matters most to me is being respected and treated with dignity.
Like I explained to the girl I went out with the other night, “I don’t bother anybody.” Meaning, I don’t force my opinions or views on anyone at all. I don’t call and ask for anyone’s time or energy. I don’t ask for help. I don’t BOTHER anybody.
All I want to do is to be able to take care of myself through the use of my creative gifts and to raise my sons to have happy lives and be prosperous. I have to deal with their Daddy who thinks by insulting me he will get me to do what he wants. Who taught him that horrible method? Why am I subject to it? My sister says, “Cuss his ass out!” but I don’t want to have exchanges with ANYONE in that way. Why can’ we be mature and talk shit out? Why do I always have to be on guard? Why doesn’t any man treat me like I’m the precious gem that I am? Why do I always have to fight against their attacks and manipulations?
And last night I left the service cuz it had been going on for FOUR HOURS. I can’t even sit in CLASS for 4 hours without going crazy and I don’t even stay in the club for more than 2 hours.
I called my guyfriend to come pick me up. We went to eat at IHOP and we were talking and he told me he liked me. I looked at him. I already knew that. I like him too but not in that way. I would never be with him because he doesn’t understand me. I can’t learn anything from him about life and success. He IS there for me when I need him but its always an argument because he doesn’t agree with the way I think or the way I make decisions and I honestly don’t care because I don’t look up to him in any way so who is he to judge ME?
I feel this way about almost everyone I meet? I don’t want your lifestyle so why should I care if you think I’m crazy for being who I am? Why should I care what you think?
I just want to meet one person who understands me.
Just one.
And who understands that the roles we play in this life, the pursuits we have designed for ourselves, it all doesn’t really matter. This world is a playground for us to have experiences and utilize our creative powers and it isn’t permanent.
I want to connect with someone on a soul level, where we “play” in this life but we unite in our inner beings too. Our greatest gifts to each other would be understanding and supporting each other with no hidden agendas.
Is this even possible?
And Then He Kissed Me
Last night was interesting.
I was sitting here all alone when I get a random text message from one of my old boyfriends from undergrad. He then called saying he’s in town and he wants to meet up to watch the Heat game. I have no issues with him so I tell him I’ll meet him and he comes to get me and we head to a sports bar.
I honestly don’t remember him watching the game at all. The whole time he’s asking me questions and grinning as I answer them. I told him all kinds of stories about my BBDD, my last crush, the women I’ve been dating. I even performed two of my favorite poems for him. He sat there with a goofy grin on his face the entire time. After about 2 hours we left and parked outside of my house.
He turned to me and started pouring out his heart about how much I meant to him back when we were together and how I changed his view of women and he still hasn’t met a woman like me. He said so many beautiful things about me being a real woman and I sat there in the passenger seat listening and smiling down at my hands. It felt good.
Then his hand went around my shoulder and he pulled me close and he…he kissed me.
I let him. I kissed him back but there were no fireworks on my end, I kept thinking of, you know who. I wanted it to be him.
Feeling the coolness of his lips on mine I tried to enjoy the experience. It’s been so long since I kissed anyone. So long since I’ve been touched. I pulled away and smiled, asking him, “Why did you do that?”
He glanced out the window and replied, “I’ve been wanting to do that for the past 3 1/2 hours.”
I laughed.
I continued talking and talking and he sat there nodding his head and smiling at me for about an hour.
“Let’s go inside,” he suggested.
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Cuz you don’t deserve no free pussy. You haven’t done anything yet.”
“Yet?” he asked. “That means I have a chance.”
“Oh. I don’t know if you do. There’s a certain type of treatment that I believe I deserve and you haven’t done that. But, I do plan to go inside and masturbate so maybe you can rub my pussy for me to get me started.”
He smiled at me, reached over and 2 minutes later I said, “Ooh thanks!”
I hopped out the car and waved before running inside laughing.
My phone rings minutes later and it’s him.
“Did you think I was going to call you again?” he asked.
“Nope.”
“Did you care?”
“Nope.”
“I thought so,” he said and was silent. “Tee, you are an awesome woman. I didn’t plan any of this. I just wanted to see you, watch the game and hear about your career and then you did it.”
“Did what?”
“You walked out of your house and sat in my car. As soon as I looked at you it was over; you’re beautiful AND smart.”
I laughed.
“Man,” he continued. “When we were young I didn’t know what to do with you. I couldn’t believe that someone so beautiful could like me back. You were always so real and so sure of what you wanted. I always liked that about you. I didn’t know if I was coming or going but you knew exactly what you wanted. How did you get like that?”
I was in my bed under the electric blanket by then and falling asleep.
“Tee. Will I hear from you later?”
“Nope.”
“I come down to Miami maybe 2-3 times a month. We’re going to see a lot more of each other.”
“Honestly, no we won’t. We won’t see each other again for quite a while. It’s because you didn’t treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated BUT since you admire me so much I WILL see you again sometime just not anytime soon.”
“Ok,” he replied reluctantly.
I hung up after saying good night.
I feel like I’m a princess. My feet shouldn’t touch the ground. I shouldn’t have to lift a finger. All my needs and wants should be met with delight by anyone who is around me. He didn’t do that.
I’m like this, if I can’t have exactly what I want then I won’t have anything at all. I won’t settle. One day someone is going to give me exactly what I require and it will be his pleasure and then I’ll make him happy in the way that pleases him…hmmm…or her.
I’m open minded man.
Now, to get my mind right. I have an audition today. My very audition for a role as an actress. It’s a DVD series that is about 4 seasons in and is gaining popularity and they want to add new characters to the storyline.
Let’s see what happens.