I’ve been posting a lot lately and its mainly because it’s tax season so my BFF is busy and I have things to say and I don’t want to bother anyone else.
Yesterday my BFF called to encourage me to do something different. “Tee, you have to do something besides sit in the house in front of the computer.”
I was annoyed but I listened. “Look, when I’m home and I’m creating I’m building bricks for my future.”
“I’m not saying don’t do that but you have to have some fun too,” she explained.
“This IS fun!”
“Tee. Go do something.”
So I took her Mom up on her offer to attend her church. While I was there last night I was super annoyed by the message he preached. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it may be the way I think but when I realized that EVERYTHING is a social construction, it’s difficult for me to just believe what people tell me. So I’m sitting there and he’s screaming into the microphone and I don’t see him as a spiritual authority just because he’s wearing a robe and calling himself a shepherd. I see him as a man who wants to be a leader so he created this church and created these rituals and people who don’t trust hearing from God themselves, come to him for guidance.
So he had us do all kinds of rituals and sing songs and my back was hurting from the kneeling and standing and he’s a MAN, just like any other man. Why should I follow you? I wanted to scream and run out of there.
I don’t get it. What’s wrong with me? It’s like I woke up from the dream that everyone else is living and I don’t see things as they do. I see the reality of it. No one is better equipped to guide me than I am. No one is more holy than me. And what is holy anyway? No one controls my destiny but me. We are all playing roles WE created but we think they are real.
It’s like a big play but the characters don’t know its a game and they can stop at any time.
I’m scared for me. I don’t know how to play the game like everyone else. What matters most to me is being respected and treated with dignity.
Like I explained to the girl I went out with the other night, “I don’t bother anybody.” Meaning, I don’t force my opinions or views on anyone at all. I don’t call and ask for anyone’s time or energy. I don’t ask for help. I don’t BOTHER anybody.
All I want to do is to be able to take care of myself through the use of my creative gifts and to raise my sons to have happy lives and be prosperous. I have to deal with their Daddy who thinks by insulting me he will get me to do what he wants. Who taught him that horrible method? Why am I subject to it? My sister says, “Cuss his ass out!” but I don’t want to have exchanges with ANYONE in that way. Why can’ we be mature and talk shit out? Why do I always have to be on guard? Why doesn’t any man treat me like I’m the precious gem that I am? Why do I always have to fight against their attacks and manipulations?
And last night I left the service cuz it had been going on for FOUR HOURS. I can’t even sit in CLASS for 4 hours without going crazy and I don’t even stay in the club for more than 2 hours.
I called my guyfriend to come pick me up. We went to eat at IHOP and we were talking and he told me he liked me. I looked at him. I already knew that. I like him too but not in that way. I would never be with him because he doesn’t understand me. I can’t learn anything from him about life and success. He IS there for me when I need him but its always an argument because he doesn’t agree with the way I think or the way I make decisions and I honestly don’t care because I don’t look up to him in any way so who is he to judge ME?
I feel this way about almost everyone I meet? I don’t want your lifestyle so why should I care if you think I’m crazy for being who I am? Why should I care what you think?
I just want to meet one person who understands me.
Just one.
And who understands that the roles we play in this life, the pursuits we have designed for ourselves, it all doesn’t really matter. This world is a playground for us to have experiences and utilize our creative powers and it isn’t permanent.
I want to connect with someone on a soul level, where we “play” in this life but we unite in our inner beings too. Our greatest gifts to each other would be understanding and supporting each other with no hidden agendas.
Is this even possible?