Share My World

So I went and I had a marvelous time!

I felt like I was on another planet as all my pressures and fears drifted away under the stars. Everyone was out there vibing on the beach, drinking, smoking and just…letting it loose. Tamara is from Trinidad and she gave me her Trinidad flag so I could “wave my flag in the air” and I did.

There’s one part where the person performing tells you to “jump up”. I did it! There’s no real reason to jump up but you just do it just because…and it felt GREAT!

I jumped and I jumped and I waved my flag and I jumped some more and I pushed people and we moved to the left…then the right then we whined down to the ground. Man…it was such an energy boost. I didn’t want it to stop but it did..only an hour and a half after we got there.

Men were trying to dance with me but I didn’t really want to cuz I don’t know how to dance. My hips get tired after a while and I go off beat. Its embarrassing….

But I’m so glad I got to go…. Man…just when you think you’re at the bottom, something cool like this happens and you get to be a regular person out enjoying yourself for a little while.

I am so glad for that….

And now…back to being me.

“What is that?” I asked him.

“It’s my magic rock,” he explained. “We didn’t clean up our room and Daddy said he was gonna come and give us a spanking. I held the rock and wished that we wouldn’t give us a spanking and when he came up to our room all he did was tell us where to place things and no to put anything on the shelf. He didn’t spank us! The rock worked.”

I smiled and looked down at the rock as we walked toward my car.

“You know, there is magic but its not inside the rock. The magic is within you,” I told him. “You can use the rock as a focal point, a physical thing to focus all of your magic energy. But…with or without the rock, you still have the same powers. YOU are the magic.”

He smiled at me. “Mommy, can we take this rock and go buy something?”

“No. In this society, we don’t value rocks. We value gold.”

“But gold is just a rock.”

“I know, but as a collective society, we all decided to believe that the gold rock has value. We all have to agree on something for it to be true, well, in this society we do.”

“What if we called Obama and asked him to tell everyone that this kind of rock has value?”

“We could do that, but then all the countries in the world would have to agree too because we all use the same material- gold- as a point of value to trade.”

He looked at his rock and placed it into his bookbag.

“The whole society has to agree?” he asked.

“Yeah, I explained that to you before. It’s called social constructionism. Without it, it would be as thought everyone spoke a different language and no one would understand each other.”

I love teaching my boys about how ideas and BELIEF are really what make the world go round. I wonder how this will affect them as PEOPLE…

Guess we’ll have to wait and see…

Not so much so that she and I argue because we hate each other. In my mind it’s like a tug of war because we hold such different perspectives of the world. On here…I rant and rave and release my emotions, both positive and negative. But in my real life…on a day to day basis, I simply can not tolerate negativity or criticism from anyone. I won’t even tolerate it if the person is criticizing themselves.

Since I’ve been really into studying positive thought, energy work and the laws of the universe, I have changed from deep within. I still have the same friends, gratefully, but it’s been a trial pulling them with me.

Why should they change with me? They shouldn’t. They don’t have to. But to be honest, if we are going to stay friends, the topics of our conversations HAVE to change.

Since Tamara and Kim and I have been in touch regularly throughout my evolution, they have been able to see me shift my mindset and I share everything with them. Sylvia is a different story. She stopped talking to me when I wouldn’t make decisions the way that she makes them. Familiar happening…a lot of people do. It doesnt bother me much, because I believe that anyone who truly loves you will TRUST your evolution and support you if it doesnt hurt anyone else.

Who are you to judge someone else’s path? You know the right way for YOU…but you can’t direct someone else’s life.

Well, Sylvia has since contacted me and apologized for being so judgemental and I was right there ready to continue our friendship. I love her to pieces. She was my first and BEST friend from college.

The only thing is…when we reconnected, she still had the same bad habits that I used to have and it brought back painful memories. No, she doesn’t smoke or drink or anything like that…but…I remember a time when all of our conversations were about what man hurt us and how our parents hurt us and how the world is a horrible place.

That’s ALL we talked about. And we created a lot of misery in our lives by living in fear and spreading the negative energy to one another.

I don’t do that anymore. I try to look for the impending blessing in any situation instead of reasoning that our lives will be forever damaged by whatever happened. But Sylvia was still stuck in that mindset and I tried to pull her out of it.

We are such good friends that our arguments never turn into hate fests where we call each other names and try to hurt each other. If we disagree we really seek to understand each other.

Last night I explained to her that friendships are like a tug of war. Both people may be on opposite ends in their mind frames and lifestyles and eventually one will pull the other toward their way…if they stick around long enough.

So I’ve been pulling and pulling trying to get her to come my way and she has been resistant, assuring me that there is more pain and suffering in the world than there is good and we have to take note of it.

See…when you think like that you CREATE the pain and suffering in your world. Worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet…makes you LIVE the reality of that negative fantasy RIGHT NOW! It doesn’t really have to happen because you are already experiencing the negativity of it.

It’s either that I train her to come my way or I go (back) to the way she is. I don’t want to go back there. I won’t go. So either she develops a more positive attitude about life…positivity (and negativity) is contagious or we will run out of things to talk about and that will end our friendship.

I appreciate my other 2 friends Kim and Tamara because they allow me to test out my theories on them. Whenever I study and come across a new teacher with a new message about how to retrain our minds, I try it out on Tamara. I have her doing all kinds of excercises with me. LOL

The other night I watched an amazing video where the man talked about how we don’t have a good relationship in our lives because we keep telling the same old sad stories about the failures of our last relationship. We keep talking and talking and talking and repeating the same stories so often that they replay themselves over and over in new relationships. He suggested that we look at these same relationships and then talk about the GOOD that we experienced through them.

So I called Tamara up and explained what the man said. Then I said, “OK, now, we’re gonna go through our last 3 relationships with men and we’re gonna talk about something positive that we gained from it or something that we’d lie to see happen again in our lives.”

Tamara was silent. “I don’t know, Tee. I don’t know if I can do that.”

“Yes, you can. If I can do it, then you can. I’ll go first.”

~gulp~

Ok. With the last guy… ~biting my lip not to curse~ Yeah…with him, ummm…he taught me how to find a job at a restaurant and he taught me how to take the personality test so that I will pass it. I never pass personality tests for jobs and he made me listen until I understood their concept. If I hadn’t met him, I wouldn’t be at Red Lobster and making so much more than I was making at Denny’s. Also, he was the first man EVER to take complete care of me when I had nothing. When I was sick and DEEP was busy “doing his hair” this man invited me over and rubbed me down. When I needed help moving and looking for a new place, he was right there. I have never had that…a man willing to give.

Although there was plenty more I could say about how he tried me..I didn’t. I let it go and focused on what he brought into my life.

I went on to DEEP and our relationship and I sat there on the phone recounting the many times that he made me feel loved by reading to me over the phone and sharing in my passion for learning.

I took it back even further to the guy I liked before him. I needed help and he was right there, offering his creativity for FREE and even introducing me to key people who made an impact on my life.

No, I don’t talk to any of these dudes anymore. They don’t even have my new phone number…but still..knowing them (despite the drama that seperated us) made my life better.

~sigh~

That shit was hard.

And I made Tamara go through the same process. With one guy, she could not think of a single thing to say so I gave her something. “Didn’t he show you what it was like to be a part of a family? Don’t you hope to have that kind of experience again? Isn’t he the reason why you now know you want to be a wife?”

She agreed. And quickly changed the subject. LOL

SO I called Sylvia and explained the same excercise to her. She was livid. “HELL NO! I ain’t doing that! Fuck that shit! Those assholes…”

“But something good HAD to come out of you knowing them. Something that you would like ot happen again…” I pleaded.

“NO!”

We wrestled for hours until she calmed down and she said she would never participate in anything like that again because it hurts too much to sort through the pain to find the good points. I agreed. But..we can’t keep repeating the same sad love song, if we want to write a new one.

I am so glad my friends are growing with me. Even if they don’t believe what I believe, at least they humor me and respect my wishes when it comes to sharing energy.

It’s Halloween.

This year my boys are gonna be with their Dad. I have the day off from work.

What are my plans?

Small bottle of Ciroc. $5 pizza from Little Caesars. Bag of Chips Ahoy. Black & Milds. Internet.

Yeah…the usual…

I was sitting around with my co workers after work and having a couple of beers. Then we were all just talking and vibing and laughing when someone made reference to race and my eyes shot open.

For the first time I looked at our group and I squinted then questioned, “Are you white?”

“Uh…yeah,” one guy answered.

I turned to his girl, “Are you white too?”

“Yeah, Tee. What did u think I was?”

I turned to the bartender. “Jenn, are you white too?”

“Yeah, Tee.”

I took a few steps back and put my hand over my heart. All this time I had been hanging with these people and loving them and having fun with them and just getting to know their stories and their hopes and…some of them are WHITE.

I had ONE white friend back in undergrad and that hoe was a bitch. A selfish bitch too. I ddnt even accept her friend request when she contacted me on FB cuz I have no desire to ever speak to that hoe again.

But these people..they’re not like that. And I’m grateful to know them. And they don’t care that I’m a writer and they don’t care that I have a blog and they don’t even KNOW that I’m a superstar personality and am destined to become a ridiculous author with a great reach..they just like vibing with me.

And they’re young and old, black and white- all together- just vibing. And I’m so happy about that. And I hope I continue to know them forever. And I’m glad they call me to hang out and I promise to never try to hurt them.

And…I’m just so happy…that for once I met some good people…that I want to socialize with and love and who want to love me back.

And I’m just…grateful.

And I didn’t party last night. What I did was…sit up here and try to go to sleep. When I couldn’t, I started trying to “fix” all the things that I believe are wrong with me through research and meditation.

I tried to be friends with DEEP again. I miss him so much. I re added him as a friend on Facebook but after a few days I found myself annoyed by all of his promotional posts. Then just before I was gonna hide his updates, he started posting about what he was writing and that made me smile. I love it when he sits down with his little notebook and pen and writes. He gets so excited! It makes me laff!

But then I didn’t like all those hoes on his page and I didn’t like how he commented on my status that I need to take my own advice. So I deleted him again. I hate that I care what

he thinks about me. It feels like bondage. He wrote me an email telling me, “Have a nice life. I’m tired of your instability.” ~shrugs~ Another man…totally disgusted by me. But..I expected that.

Anyway…I manifested a philosopher..but…it didnt work out. I’ll share the story so you can see what kind of mindframe I’m in..

I’ve been complaining to Yolanda that I need to meet someone who loves theories as much as I do and who is open minded and wants to talk to me…

A couple of days ago, I get a follow request on twitter from someone with a blog about t-shirts for really beautiful women. I love the blog, I love the concept, the writing is good. I usually deny all follow requests on twitter but I decide to accept the person..knowing full well that MOST people who are average minded…can’t follow me. Most ppl on twitter talk about light stuff like ‘What will i wear today?’ or ‘Did you see that commercial?’ while I be trying to figure out the meaning of life on that bitch!

My twitter page is like this blog but on STEROIDS cuz I’m always on it and if my mood is janky..ugh..you may wanna just log off of twitter that day cuz I’m gonna express myself until I get it all out and feel better.

Anyway…so I accept the blog about lady t-shirts and we interact a little. I’m feeling her out. She seems nice enough, open minded. Then a day later I get a DM from her,”What school are you getting your MFT?”

I write back and tell her.

She writes back, “I got my MFT from XYZ and I’m thinking of going for my Phd.”

I get soo excited when I realize, “It’s my manifestation! Someone to talk with about theories and philosophies who lives in Miami and loves to write and I LIKE their writing! OH MY! THANK YOU UNIVERSE!”

I wrote back- “SISTER! Let’s chat! I’m so excited to meet u. Has your degree impacted your relationships at all?

She wrote back- “I’m a guy. But I’m a bit of an existentialist so it hasn’t affected my relationships that much.”

My heart sank. It’s a…guy.

I tried to ignore my gut feeling and continue to remain excited.

“I’m an existentialist too, but it just happened last year. I can’t wait to chat with you. What do you have? I have yahoo and gtalk! Let’s go! LOL”

He didn’t even seem phased by my enthusiasm. He responded with equal enthusiasm. “I’m excited to talk to you too, but I don’t have messengers or facebook. I know, I’m lame.”

But then my co workers invited me out and I went and when I came back I had this dreadful feeling come over me…

It was as though I was posessed by a spirit that was whispering in my ear, “He’s a man. You know what you have to do.”

So I sent him a DM on twitter that read: “I wish you weren’t a man so I wouldn’t have to remove you from my life.”

And I deleted him from my twitter…and my life.

And I felt so bad after that I emailed him trying to explain my impulse and asking for help if he had any theories that would help me. I don’t know what I’m doing when I’m doing that. It’s as though my mind just goes and controls my fingers when it comes to removing men from my life. I do it about twice a week or as much as I can to satisfy my need to never be hurt again.

I can’t even say I’m missing out on something because I never give it a chance to turn into anything beautiful. I know it’s a defense mechanism. I get that. But I don’t know how to stop it! I do research and meditate and subscribe to email lists and watch videos and pray and expect the best and still..when a man comes into my life…i immediately NEED him to go away…to stop my nerves from shaking and my heart from hurting.

I ended up calling the Suicide Hotline last night because I needed someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t be like, “You’re stupid, get over it.”

They listened. They said that it may be the incidents in my childhood that has me

expecting men to hurt me and my expectations have poisoned my reality. Duh…I know that. I TEACH THAT! I just don’t know how to move out of that mind state.

I don’t know how…and I can’t sleep over it at night. It’s like I’m obsessed with finding the solution. Not so that I can be healed and find love..blah on that…I think I want to figure it out to add to my resume of “issues I got over”.

For some reason, I don’t believe my life is for ME to experience pleasure or love or happiness, but that I am a teacher for others to experience those things. But it probably goes back to my innate belief that I am not deserving of those things.

I’m trying to heal…but I don’t want to obsess over it because I know that constant focus only attracts more of the same.

I’m still doing the research and hopefully, I’ll heal soon.

…or die trying…

Somebody done blowed my mind recently and told me about this thing called Tiny Chat. Its a website and you can web cam chat with multiple people to promote your twitter page. It’s full of young kids in their teens and 20’s. Most of the most popular chat rooms I’ve seen are filled iwth Black people too.

My first day there I was mesmerized. I didn’t quite understand what was going on and I saw that I was in a box and others could see me and I could see them and we could talk and people were writing to us in a text box below. Before I could get my bearings some guy starts annihilating me. He’s saying I’m ugly, I look like a boy, I have man hands. I’m laffing and laffing because that sure doesn’t happen on the street.

Once I even shook my ass for the camera….just cuz I wanted to. TWIT PIC THAT!

LOL! If I could..I’d make a video tape..real talk. If I felt like anyone would ever want to see it! LOL I’m sure you wouldn’t…

But then as I came back….and I ran into the guy again who was insulting me..I saw that he was fine as fuck! LOL! I can’t remember the last time I “met” a guy online who I thought was cute. I NEVER flirt with anybody online! BUt anyway…

This place is made up of little cliques, and only so often will you get on and find someone who wants to talk about what you want to talk about but…it happens.

It happened once for me…I met these guys who were havin REAL TALK…and it all was positive and informative. Everyone in the chat room (all Black ppl) held a different opinion of religion/spiritual views. Yet..somehow we all managed to agree on everything that was at the core of our love for our belief….

It was beautiful. Before the convo ended we had to exchange twitter ID’s.

Man…my twitter. Twitter isn’t getting on my nerves so much lately and thats because it’s so quiet. COmpared to tiny chat, this twitter shit is boring.

I was on the phone with Lobo and she mentioned why is my twitter page blocked. She said it in a nice way…

I don’t know…Why is my twitter page blocked? I didnt start it out that way? What fears did I have where I felt my thoughts needed protection? My whereabouts? The issues closest to my heart?

Maybe I need a seperation? The internet used to be my warm blanket. The place where I could uncover all my pain and fears…and that is a part of my..you know…writing and stuff. But maybe I’ll leave this blog for my emotional rants and self analysis and focus on being OPEN TO EVERYONE…and maintaining a sense of social decorum…on the others..

I don’t know…that don’t even sound right…

Why am I so private with people I know? I never share stories or tell tales from my past or my present. Unless they ask specifically, I don’t volunteer stories about my life.

I am very tight lipped…But then I blog all about it on the internet.

Sup with that?