Posted on

Waiting

I’ve been waiting a long time for today. 

No matter what happens, I will not stop trying.
I don’t know if it’s a good thing to put out so much nervous, hopeful energy into what I want. Am I supposed to just ASK and then forget about it? Or am I supposed to have complete expectation? Am I supposed to feel all nervous like I am right now?
Who am I to win such a wonderful, coveted prize? But then again…who am I not to? I did the work. I published my article. I paid to enter the competition. I asked for it. Why couldn’t I win? Why can’t I have all the desires of my heart? 
I can.
I believe that if it is for my greatest good to win this competition then I will win.
And I’m going to leave it at that.
Anything can happen.

Posted on

Raining Men

I didn’t win the Pulitzer…this time. I’ll try again next year.

But the funny thing is, with all these months of visualizing my win, making it real in my mind, it feels as though I have enjoyed winning for 3 months straight. LOL! Isn’t that funny? I didn’t win but because I have been making up all of these stories about who I would call first, how I’d faint and fall out and cry, what I’d do with the money and how I’d tour the country with my presentation- I still feel the same happiness I would have felt if I had won for real.
Man…I was cool at first but then I went to class and before it started DEEP called me and was joking around as usual. He gets on my nerves! I swear, if I could pull out his personality and put it in a jar it would shine. He’s cool as hell. I haven’t made a real guyfriend in a long time. Most men try to fuck. DEEP doesn’t care about that. Like…I’m not sure he’s even attracted to me. That intrigues me when so many men I meet are all about letting me know they’d fuck me in a minute.
I’m talking on the phone to about 5 guys right now. It’s confusing and annoying and they are all going hard because I have not slept with any of them yet. I know I don’t like any of them but I enjoy each of them for a purpose. Like, the hood dudes always have it on them. And they drop whatever to come see you. And they have this vibe that’s like, so sexy. WIth their dreads and golds and big chains and white tees and shit. They be switching cars all the time. They all got a baby mama who hates them but they probably still fucking.
They are so sweet though. They don’t allow that emotional shit around them but at the same time, they’ll be tender with you. Last time I slept with one of them I had to stop speaking to him immediately. He tapped me with his finger and sent my body into shock. I could not move. I begged him to teach me how to do that to myself. He wouldn’t. LOL!
With each letter I type I feel better. I have so much work to do, it’s the last week of the semester and damn….I need to tighten up on this schoolwork. Really, it’s basically easy concepts but we have to demonstrate mastery of the information through papers and presentations. We do a lot of role playing too. I feel nauseas when I’m in a group setting for too long. I have to get up and walk outside to breathe or relax my nerves. I don’t know. I love people…I just can’t be in a large group setting for too long because it drains me.
But I have my energy back now. I’m moving next week and DEEP is supposed to help me. If I could…I would stop speaking to him right now. I don’t feel that I can though. I learn so much from him. I learn about myself. I see my weaknesses. I see my strengths. He calms me down and I feel important when I’m with him.
He asked me tonight, “See how we talk about everything? What if you were getting this with a dude AND good dick too?”
I laughed in disbelief.
“That’s what I’m saying. Why wouldn’t you fall in love? It’s not about the person. A girl could love me and love 5 other dudes with the same energy. I’ve seen it happen over and over again.  Girls fall in love but it doesn’t mean much. They do it with everybody. I’m done with that. Make’m fall in love and then I move on.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t care.”
See? See what gets my attention. He is the epitome of a dude that I would be in love with for the rest of my life. WHy do I care so much about dudes who don’t give a damn about love? LOL! I think it’s because I assume they are just hurting and I want to love them back to health. I think that’s really it.
Hmmm….I was really being a brat today. I gave this guy one too many chances because I’ve been TOLD I’m too mean and I drop guys too quickly but today — I was done.
Dude had left a bag in my car. I called him up and told him, “Your shit is out the window. Don’t call my phone again.”
I rolled down my window and threw all his shit out. He called me back and I was dumbfounded.
“Are you calm now?” he asked me.
I looked at the phone like, wtf? “Excuse me? I thought I asked you not to call my phone again. Are you….not gonna listen to me?’ I was really, really blowed that he would disrespect me like that.
“Are you serious?” he asked.
“So serious.” Click.
I’m not giving chances anymore. For what? My goodness. I be giving dudes who aren’t even cute a chance, just cuz I believe some good guys might not be all that cute and looks shouldn’t matter so much. And then they mess it up for themselves. LOL! 
Man oh man.
As much as they annoy me…I would really like a hug.
Posted on

Oh Well

It’s been a helluva week. While finals are approaching THIS WEEK…I’m still trying to make moves and connections within this industry, first by establishing myself as a journalist. Sometimes I want to quit because I don’t have much money and I have to try HARD to be in places and be seen and try to make connections. And I don’t get paid to be anywhere. When I’m out, I’m there to enjoy myself and listen to some new artists.

I love watching new artists perform. There’s something magical in their imperfection. I think I see hope. I see glory. I see that no matter what happens in their careers, they will always have this one moment of triumph, one story to tell that- yeah, I was a performing artist. I rocked the show on many nights. I looked good.
That makes me so proud that they even try. I know I’m trying to do this to help me get practice for being a host, but it gets under my skin sometimes too. I give awards to people for their efforts in going after their dreams.
Isn’t that funny?
The very thing we wish to receive, we most often give.
That goes both ways too. When we are mean to others, it is because we are releasing or interneal image of ourselves. When we are critical toward others, it’s the same thing. When you see someone giving anything, then that’s basically how they feel about themselves, it’s what’s buried within coming out of them.
I know I be regurgitatung love. I love it when I write “I be” in a sentence. It makes me proud..cuz I feel like I’m breaking the rules. Sometimes blogging is really what heals me. All this professional writing where you have to follow the rules….and–with***blogging ### you can do whatever you like.
It’s just pure fun on a keyboard. Telling whatever story you like. Making shit sound grander or downplaying it fit your current mood. This is MY side of the story- dammit! I need to be heard too. I love it!
I love my life…Even though DEEP had the *sigh* conversation with me that EVERY MAN THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO has with me. You know the “You’re way too good for me- I could never give you what you deserve” conversation and he sounded so passionate about it. He was like, “Please I appreciate our friendship. What we have is special, but it’s not that. I am not your soulmate. I know it’s not me. I can’t give you what you want.”
And I was like…
This nigga is so conceited. HE really think I like him like that? Oh my gosh..He act like I may kill myself or something over him… Is he SERIOUS? LOL!  I was like.. damnnnn…. I mean, yeah..he’s cute and alll and we definitely vibe and all and you know what- he has almost all of the qualities that I ever desired in a man except two major ones but… I know what it is, it’s the way I express love to people I really care about. 
I think that shit is overwhelming. I mean, I am very expressive. I write cards, I do emails, I send texts all the time..just saying something nice to my friends and letting them know I really care about them. I don’t do mass texts either. I do individual emails or posts or whatever as my mind goes from being grateful about knowing this person to being grateful for having this person in my life. How special they are…Sending energy toward them, healing or loving energy. Trying to brighten their day.
All day.
That’s what i do.
If i can think of anything nice to say I’m gonna say it.
All day.
But I’m not gonna lie to you, in order to be nice. Nope. I want you to be your best. So yeah, I go HARD for my peeps man and I think guys get confused.  Anyway…what can I do. I texted him and told him that he didn’t even need to call me if he expected me to change anything about the way I love.
We had a texting fight. It was crazy. I have never done that before. The last time this dude tried to text me and fight I was like, “Dude..you’re gay.” and I never spoke to him since. Cuz I think dude’s texting back and forth with emotions is a little off…
But I was up there texting my little emotional ass off! It’s not like I need him, but I enjoy lifea little more since he’s been in it. I feel the love.. all day. I feel what we could be as a team. I understand his concerns. If I feel like I’m starting to get too “into” a guy then I just stop contacting them.
But I can’t do that to him because he is my number one resource in the entertainment community PLUS…talking to him recharges me. It feels so good. I learn from him. He’s a lot of fun. He’s silly. He’s beautiful. I love playing imagination games with him. I love how he thinks of me first and is so sweet sometimes. But even with all that- he has to make sure that I know that he is not interested in me as any more than a friend. I told him I understand. I understood.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Posted on

Notes From The Universe

I really want to give you a gift. It’s a website I found with these daily inspirational messages from The Universe or God or whatever you want to call the higher power in your life. Go to www.tut.com and sign up. Be inspired.

Look at what the Universe wrote for today.
Ms. Tee, in life there will always be challenges that have manifested, and dreams that haven’t. But they’ll always pale in comparison to the number of dreams that have manifested, and the challenged that haven’t.

Just look around you.
You are my dream come true.
The Universe
Posted on

Yellow Bricks

Man…

I finished one of my classes today. When I walked out of that classroom I felt so much RELIEF and pride in myself. My presentation went great. I didn’t know how it would go but I give myself a few stars.
I spoke with Sylvia tonite. We talked and talked like we had never missed a beat. It wasn’t until we got to the part where I told her I was outside talking to the sun that it felt like someone scratched a record.
“Wait a minute?” she interrupted me. “You were talking to the Sun? Isn’t that Pagan?”
I laughed. “No. It’s just talking. I love how the sun feels on my skin. It feels like a hug. It feels like love. SO I just lie there and talk to the Sun as though I am speaking to a piece of God. God is in the Sun.”
As I explained to her my beliefs about how what you focus on is what you’ll attract into your life she seemed dumbfounded. I told her about energy work and how my friend and I practice sending each other energy. She was silent.
“You do only use it for good, right?” she asked me.
I laughed. “I’m still the same person at the core. My beliefs about my reality have changed and mostly my attitude toward how I view my life. “
See..When Sylvia and I were friends initially, she and I were the WORST complainers and downers you could ever meet. Everything was so tragic and horrible. It’s like we THRIVED on talking about bad stuff was.
I’ve changed. SHe hasn’t.
But I’m not gonna give up on her. As long as she’s willing to talk to me she’s gonna get the same therapy techniques and spirituality teachings that all of my other friends get. She’s in for a very rude awakening. I help shift mindframes from negative to positive by challenging your words, your focus and your thought process on situations.
I honestly didn’t know I had it in me but I help so many people. Yeah, I know, here on this blog is the raw, uncut Ms. Tee. I show my emotional side here more than I share it with my own friends or family.
For the most part, I’m just not negative about life anymore. I see life as full of potential and conspiring to give me great surprises around every corner. I really look at it as if it is an adventure. Certainly not a punishment that I am obligated to trudge through hoping for some unnamed end which will lead me into something MORE than I have now.
I feel so good right now. I swear…if DEEP doesn’t deserve a reward for dealing with me, I don’t know who does. SOmetimes I just flip on him because I’m feeling emotional and he knows how to deal with it. He reminds me of Tamara, except Tamara would never be so bold to say the things he does, but I know she is thinking them.
I miss my sons.
In the front of my mind I want to be sad and depressed because nothing is moving as quickly as I hoped it would…but at the same time, I’m just so grateful for life. Man…for real. I’m so grateful for life and breath and the fact that I am able bodied enough to do what I do everyday. I’m so glad to be alive.
Alive.
Whatever the wind may blow, wherever my shadow shows, wherever my yellow brick flows- I’m in good hands.
Goodnite.
Posted on

Today

I had one helluva semester and I’m still not finished. I’m up working on my last final which should have been the easiest one but for some reason, my mind can’t stay focused. I didn’t write about my biggest battle this semester because I felt like it was too much to even write about and I still won’t write about it but let me say it has drained me emotionally all year long.

What I’ve learned by going through this process is 1) Even when you feel like you were right and try to get restitution for being wronged, people are going to try to prove that YOU were the problem. 2) Even when you go hard for others in an effort to encourage them in their dreams, when you need their help, they won’t be there for you and you have to say yes to that, accepting everyone for their choices. 3) Sometimes fighting is the hardest thing. I now see why it’s so easy to accept things as they are. 
I’m feeling all kinds of emotional, which is the perfect ingredient for this emotional ass blog I have.
Let’s see… I miss my sons. Like, they are so wonderful to me. Each week when I see them, they bring me so much joy. They let me cuddle them and rock them like infants. We dance together, make up songs and talk about different philosophical topics like evolution and life after death. I share with them what I learn about other people’s beliefs an I remind them that they can choose any belief they like as long as it helps them to live a happier life.
For me its necessary to teach them all of the lessons I am learning so late in life. So many things I wish my Mama had told me. They listen and they take heed. They are so smart. They are my pride and joys. Seriously…I still deal with my depression from time to time. It’s very rare since I’ve learned so many ways to switch my mindset about certain issues but from time to time I will get into this crazy ass mood and just wanna be alone and when I’m alone I meditate on all of the things that I could have been or I could have given to my children and I get upset with myself and condemn myself.
This is kind of the mood I’m in now. With everything with school, me wanting to move but I can’t…and then there’s DEEP who makes me want to cry because he’s so good at dealing with me and my mood swings. He says I have multiple personalities and some of them don’t like his personality. LOL!
Today I told him I need to take a break from him. I do this about twice a week but usually he doesnt let me walk away from him because he says I need to stop running away from my problems. Today he just said, “Do what you gotta do. I’m sick of this!”
I thanked him and hung up.
Last night we went to a showcase by one of our artist friends and afterwards I was driving him home and he said he left his key and suggested that we go back to my house to hang out. I was a little uneasy about that seeing as he’s CELIBATE and I FUCKABIT and I know he’s not attracted to me like that but I felt like I could keep my cool…but…man…It’s been months since I’ve had some affection and even longer since I’ve had affection from someone I actually LIKED.
But we came back to my house and talked and watched a movie that he chose and I didn’t like. And we fell asleep on my futon. And guess what? That *censored* didn’t even touch me the whole night!
I was so mad! Like.. I wanted to strangle him. Like, how do you sleep under the covers with me and I’m wearing my booty shorts and you don’t even care. Man…I would say he’s gay but I don’t think so. He really made me mad because I really need a hug and I can’t stand the fact that he’s not trying to push up on me.
I take it as he finds me disgusting. And then that negative feeling multiplies and I get scared that if I allow our friendship to continue to grow, he’s going to get to know me better and be even more disgusted by me.
Just like my Baby Daddy.
Just like my Stepfather.
Just like all the men who I have allowed to get to know me in a non physical way. I don’t want that rejection so I had to reject him first. I mean, what is his problem anyway? I have a 1 week rule when it comes to friendships with men. After a week, I’ve fucked them and dismissed them. He won’t let me fuck him or dismiss him. He wants to be…friends an shit.
I don’t know what to do with that. It’s got me wishing that I never met his ass although I learn so much from him and have grown so much because I’ve known him. I wish he was a girl so I wouldn’t be attracted to him. Even if he was ugly, I’d probably still be attracted to him because I love his spirit.
Man…sometimes I wish I was different. I look ahead to my future and I wonder what the hell is gonna happen cuz I know nothing stays the same and I know I’ve been down to my worst- homeless, hungry and hopeless. I’m not afraid of that but I do have fears.
Last week I was on facebook and I wrote that I wasn’t getting married and I got all kinds of comments and messages from people saying I was being emotional and I was silly. I hate when people tell me what to do or what they expect. I feel like never getting married just to spite them. I don’t HAVE to get married to prove my worth to myself. Although I study love and relationships I have to admit, I really don’t believe that is the path for me.
What seems to be for me is…my ability to help others make their dreams come true. I am a whiz at encouraging others and helping them recognize their shine. I’ve said it before…I give that kind of love because it’s what I always wished I could receive for myself.
Blah…Blah…My girl just called me. Some FINE ASS man is waiting for her to show up. I swear…her dudes just keep getting finer and finer and he looks wayyy better than the last one and I thought that was impossible! DAYUM!
Posted on

Playing It Oh So Cool


It wasn’t too busy last night.

I checked on the few tables that I had and everyone was happily eating so I walked to the front cash register to wait for more customers to come in. I glanced to my right and saw a cutie sitting at the counter.
Mmmm…mmm……mmmm
I looked at him and smiled. He motioned for me to come over…he did it just like a pro. I raised my eyebrow and smiled again. I walked over.
“Hey…Is someone helping you?” I ask him.
“I’m fine,” he says. “They got me.”
I realize that I know him. I met him a few weeks ago when he came in and all of the female servers were sweating him. I walked up to him and asked him where he was going so late at night and he told me that he worked for a recording studio. I was suprised when he told me which one. I had JUST been thinking that I needed to meet someone who worked there because that studio was infamous for hosting celebrities and I wanted to write a story about it.
So I guess in a way I manifested meeting him.
We chatted for a bit and he told me that he checked out my blog. I laughed and joked with him about needing some relationship advice. I went to check on my tables and then came back and sat down two seats down from him at the counter. I didn’t speak. I just sat down.
He had on his earphones, listening to music. He turned to me and asked, “Tee, do you have a piece of paper?”
I reached into my apron and grabbed my order pad. I tore off a sheet and handed it to him. The other servers were standing around watching as he took out a marker and wrote on the paper.
He handed it to me and I read his small handwriting. It was his myspace page and his email address.
I smiled and slipped it into my apron.
I went to check up on my tables and when I came back he was STILL sitting there. I asked him what his order was so that I could check on it and it turns out that they hadn’t even STARTED making his order and he had been sitting there for almost an hour already.
My manager came and apologized and immediately began making his food. He’s a sound engineer INTERN for the studio and also the food runner. What impressed me about this dude was the fact that he did not get heated or over react about his food not being ready. Most customers would curse or ask for a discount or something. He was so cool about it all.
I noticed him with a paper in his hand, checking off everyone’s order on the list. He double checked it to make sure he got everything and organized everything just right. I asked if he needed some syrup and he said he did. I made him a package of syrup- about 7 of them, for the guys at the studio.
It’s funny that..as I waited more tables I would occasionally glance back at the corner where he was organizing his order and…more than once…I caught him looking at me too.
Cute…
After he left I texted him and wrote: I really like the way you handled that situation. You were very smooth and level headed. It was nice seeing you again.
He wrote me back just about 10 minutes after I reached home this morning: Thanks. In this industry you have to have a cool head especially when you are around people who want things “Now”. It’s crazy. It was nice seeing you again too…Much love. Thanks for your help with my food. PS- Make sure you check out my myspace page.
I laughed when I read his text…glanced back up at the screen of my laptop…his picture stared back at me.
He has no idea…I’m on his myspace right now. ~smile~
Posted on

Mother’s Day….

My Mother’s Day ended wonderfully, but it started out in terror. The night before this incredible pressure came on me and I felt it physically. It attacked my mind. It reminded that another Mother’s Day is passing and I am still unable to take care of my kids. It spoke about my crushes an how non reciprocal they are. It reminded me about the fact that I’m almost 30 and I have nothing to show for my life efforts. It beat me down so much that I could not wake up. I felt like my presence was no longer needed in this world. I somehow got up and got dressed and went to work. I went there and my eyes were shining from crying in the car knowing the gas light is on and I have about 20 pennies in my car and I’m hungry as hell but as long as I made it to Denny’s…I can eat and make some money. So thankful. So when I got to work I was feeling so ughh….I ordered some food and walked around, smacking myself in the face, trying to bring some life back. Table after table my mood improved. Taking the focus off of myself and putting it on taking great care of others really did the trick. I was feeling good by the time the sun rose, even though it was PROM night so the restaurant was filled with hungry teenagers who DO NOT tip. ~sigh~   They looked beautiful though.   By the time 7am rolled around, I was all pepped up, taking last minute tables. The other waitress would whisper to me, “Two just walked in. Light skinned. Dreads. Both of them.”   “Hmm..Okay. I got this,” I’d say. And they always tip me very well…   When I went to pick up my boys I was feeling good but tired. My feet were throbbing but it’s Mother’s Day so we can manage. My boys acted up at the damn breakfast buffet. I was like, “Stop fighting. Stop throwing that. Stop crying.” The whole time. I was so mad that I started crying in the car on the way home. When we got there my 8 year old said, “Sorry we couldn’t get you anything for Mother’s Day, Mommy.” “That’s okay. But you really are giving me a gift just by being here. If you weren’t here, I wouldn’t be able to celebrate Mother’s Day. It’s all because of you, baby.” “And we’re sorry we were acting up in the buffet, Mommy,” my 6 year old whispers and gives me a hug. “And I’m sorry that I started crying in the car. I’m just tired. So tired. But I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. Let me lay down. Please be quiet so I can take a nap.” But I couldn’t sleep because I only have a room so they were playing Go Fish, watching iCarly and wrestling. And I was so hot. Around 2pm I got up, showered and we drove to my Mama’s house. I wasn’t really in the mood but I know she wanted to see my boys. And when I went over there, the sweet smell of fried chicken and black and milds invaded my nostrils and I sighed. My sister was there with her boyfriend Adam. They are such an old couple when they are together. I picked up some flowers for my Mama and when the boys gave them to her she looked at me and said, “Thanks for the cemetery flowers, Tee.” I almost fell out. She trying to say that I picked up the flowers from the cemetery on the way there. LOL! She is crazy. And she was so happy all day. She kept smiling. I ate and ate and drank wine. We watched a movie called The Orphanage and then we let my 8 year old play the Wii for an hour and then we watched another movie. Then I had to get dressed to go to work. So I dropped the boys off to their Dad’s house an then I went on in, feeling pleased with my day. I couldn’t use my phone because it wasn’t working properly but DEEP says I was lieing. Whatever… So work was slow because everyone was at the Red Lobster down the street so I basically sat around for 2 hours and only served one table. But they tipped me $15 so It’s like I worked more… I was chillin… And then it got busy for our 11pm crowd. I don’t know what it is about that time, but we get slammed for about 2 hours. So about 12:30 on a Sunday I usually go home, but just as I was wrapping up my last tables about to check to see if I have any tips on the credit cards, a chick walks in and asks for a table for 6. I tried to shoot her off and say someone will be with her in a moment, but she said, “But aren’t you a server?” I was like, “I was about to get off but if you want me to stay and serve you, I will.” As I cleaned off a table for them and set them up, they told me that they were servers too. “What restaurant do you work at?” I asked them. “Red Lobster.” “Ohhh,” I exclaimed. “I heard ya’ll were slammed today!” So I served them up with extra special care and one of the male servers was flirting with me. I flirted back and reminded him that he’s too young for me. He was cute though and if I wasn’t in my present state of mind I woulda messed with him but I’m tired…tired… And when they left…I was already rolling my silverware and preparing to SLIDE outthatbitch…my customers came up to me and handed me $35. I couldn’t believe it! I was smiling and counting my cash and thinking about all the times I’ve tipped waiters 100 %. And it had nothing to do with the service. I always did that because I respected their job and I felt like most people don’t. In Houston, the Red Lobster servers LOVED ME! And the Cheesecake Factory servers loved me in Dallas! Damn I was eating better when I was homeless…LOL! And now I’m seeing it come back to me.   I love my job. It keeps me afloat and it recharges me when I have to take care of people. My manager always tells me that I outshine everyone else in the entire restaurant because of my hospitality. Even if customers are in a bad mood, I’ll give them a silly smile and stare at them to make them laugh at themselves. I talk to everyone. Last night a guy came in and he was looking so hurt. He was eating by himself in a booth and he had on a wife beater and some basketball short. He looked sick in the heart. So I asked him how he was doing and he poured out his story about being hurt by his girl. I talked to him for about 10 minutes and then I let him think about it.  You know I wrote the book on getting over heartbreak. Maybe that’s why I’m not afraid to love so hard because..I know I’ll get over it. And then that man will be just another story to tell. But really…that’s all life is… One long story to tell.

Posted on

That Again

This boy just straight called me out. Goooosh! I hate this shit! Fuck! This one man knows me too well. Sometimes I try to manipulate my mind to make me think what I’m doing on an emotional tangent is right. He calls me out on that shit. Fuck. I highly anticipate and equally dread my conversations with him which can equal up to more than 5 hours a day. We vibe. Hard. He annoys me so much. Ughh…Sometimes I pray and ask God to take him away because I can’t take it anymore. I feel bad after I do that, but the feeling inside me after we’ve been vibing non step for about 4 or 5 days is too much for me to handle. I take a break from talking to him about once a week. He hated it at first, but now he says he understands. It’s just sooo “ughhh” I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. He knows what I’m going to say before I say it. And I’m not talking about..guessing. I mean he’ll have a 5 minute conversation with himself. He’ll say what he has to say and then before I can respond he’ll say what I’m about to say in this weird little Mickey mouse voice. And then he’ll keep going. And he’ll be right. Then why the hell you on the phone with me? LOL! He makes me laugh! I get so annoyed when he compares me to his ex. The shit we do together, the way I think and move. “Stop comparing me to some chick you’re still in love with,” I told him harshly one night on the phone. “You got it wrong, I’m not in love with her like that. You’re a lot like her, without all the rage.” I swear this man drives me crazy! I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I even pray that he’ll meet somebody else or that he’ll get back with his ex, soon. All this consistent companionship is so scary to me. And I think sometimes it’s a distraction because I think just as much about his career and dreams as I do about my own. But I wanted to save that, you know, for the super lucky man that may or may not come into my life. I’m open. I don’t know. The type of investment my soul wants to make into building the dream that my man and I share is insurmountable. Everytime I start trying to support a man who is in my life it just feels so wrong because I know he doesn’t deserve my devotion like this but at the same time it feels so good to give it. I love supporting him. It’s fun! I go to his shows, stand up and clap for him. I tell everyone about him. I go to his events that he hosts. I call in for his radio interviews. I love watching him perform, I know all of his songs (Before they come out.) It feels so nice to be on someone’s team. Someone you believe in and who believes in you enough to put his name behind yours in this industry. I know we’re both just starting out and gaining some weight under our names but it’s good to have someone who is doing it with me. I love it when I see him shining. I feel shiny too. For whatever reason he was sent into my life, I’m grateful. Even though he act like he don’t see me. And I know it’s cuz he still into his ex like that. But anyway…Man..I’ve learned so much about myself by dealing with him. He annoys me more than anyone has ever done in my life. So grateful for him though. It’s frustrating because sharing with someone like this is magical yet draining because… At the end of the day…I wanna fuck. And he celibate and shit…all stuck on his ex and shit. The same shit I say to dudes, he says to me. That whole, “Don’t fall in love. I’m not on that right now. You’re gonna get hurt” shit. I say that ALL the time. But it’s only because I think the dude is cool but I would NEVER, EVER, EVER let him touch me. But I still like having him in my life cuz he’s cool and we have a nice vibe. But they all push forward and I do have to hurt them so they will get my point. Damn….

Posted on

Goodbye Twitter


I know I’ve got so much to say and it’s partially because I just deleted my twitter account. I had to… I was feeling so uneasy about it and I realize that I have lost my ability to tell a good story. Man…I’m a blogger. That 140 character shit doesn’t suit my gift. I felt kinda out of place there and I was sending so much energy into it. But it still wasn’t enough of a release…I would still be tense after tweeting. And you know I use this blog as an emotional outlet.

I want to tell stories and I want to practice by telling my own in an honest way. Sorry for the distraction…but I’m back to blogging my life again….