I didn’t win the Pulitzer…this time. I’ll try again next year.
But the funny thing is, with all these months of visualizing my win, making it real in my mind, it feels as though I have enjoyed winning for 3 months straight. LOL! Isn’t that funny? I didn’t win but because I have been making up all of these stories about who I would call first, how I’d faint and fall out and cry, what I’d do with the money and how I’d tour the country with my presentation- I still feel the same happiness I would have felt if I had won for real.
Man…I was cool at first but then I went to class and before it started DEEP called me and was joking around as usual. He gets on my nerves! I swear, if I could pull out his personality and put it in a jar it would shine. He’s cool as hell. I haven’t made a real guyfriend in a long time. Most men try to fuck. DEEP doesn’t care about that. Like…I’m not sure he’s even attracted to me. That intrigues me when so many men I meet are all about letting me know they’d fuck me in a minute.
I’m talking on the phone to about 5 guys right now. It’s confusing and annoying and they are all going hard because I have not slept with any of them yet. I know I don’t like any of them but I enjoy each of them for a purpose. Like, the hood dudes always have it on them. And they drop whatever to come see you. And they have this vibe that’s like, so sexy. WIth their dreads and golds and big chains and white tees and shit. They be switching cars all the time. They all got a baby mama who hates them but they probably still fucking.
They are so sweet though. They don’t allow that emotional shit around them but at the same time, they’ll be tender with you. Last time I slept with one of them I had to stop speaking to him immediately. He tapped me with his finger and sent my body into shock. I could not move. I begged him to teach me how to do that to myself. He wouldn’t. LOL!
With each letter I type I feel better. I have so much work to do, it’s the last week of the semester and damn….I need to tighten up on this schoolwork. Really, it’s basically easy concepts but we have to demonstrate mastery of the information through papers and presentations. We do a lot of role playing too. I feel nauseas when I’m in a group setting for too long. I have to get up and walk outside to breathe or relax my nerves. I don’t know. I love people…I just can’t be in a large group setting for too long because it drains me.
But I have my energy back now. I’m moving next week and DEEP is supposed to help me. If I could…I would stop speaking to him right now. I don’t feel that I can though. I learn so much from him. I learn about myself. I see my weaknesses. I see my strengths. He calms me down and I feel important when I’m with him.
He asked me tonight, “See how we talk about everything? What if you were getting this with a dude AND good dick too?”
I laughed in disbelief.
“That’s what I’m saying. Why wouldn’t you fall in love? It’s not about the person. A girl could love me and love 5 other dudes with the same energy. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Girls fall in love but it doesn’t mean much. They do it with everybody. I’m done with that. Make’m fall in love and then I move on.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t care.”
See? See what gets my attention. He is the epitome of a dude that I would be in love with for the rest of my life. WHy do I care so much about dudes who don’t give a damn about love? LOL! I think it’s because I assume they are just hurting and I want to love them back to health. I think that’s really it.
Hmmm….I was really being a brat today. I gave this guy one too many chances because I’ve been TOLD I’m too mean and I drop guys too quickly but today — I was done.
Dude had left a bag in my car. I called him up and told him, “Your shit is out the window. Don’t call my phone again.”
I rolled down my window and threw all his shit out. He called me back and I was dumbfounded.
“Are you calm now?” he asked me.
I looked at the phone like, wtf? “Excuse me? I thought I asked you not to call my phone again. Are you….not gonna listen to me?’ I was really, really blowed that he would disrespect me like that.
“Are you serious?” he asked.
“So serious.” Click.
I’m not giving chances anymore. For what? My goodness. I be giving dudes who aren’t even cute a chance, just cuz I believe some good guys might not be all that cute and looks shouldn’t matter so much. And then they mess it up for themselves. LOL!
Man oh man.
As much as they annoy me…I would really like a hug.