That Again

This boy just straight called me out. Goooosh! I hate this shit! Fuck! This one man knows me too well. Sometimes I try to manipulate my mind to make me think what I’m doing on an emotional tangent is right. He calls me out on that shit. Fuck. I highly anticipate and equally dread my conversations with him which can equal up to more than 5 hours a day. We vibe. Hard. He annoys me so much. Ughh…Sometimes I pray and ask God to take him away because I can’t take it anymore. I feel bad after I do that, but the feeling inside me after we’ve been vibing non step for about 4 or 5 days is too much for me to handle. I take a break from talking to him about once a week. He hated it at first, but now he says he understands. It’s just sooo “ughhh” I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. He knows what I’m going to say before I say it. And I’m not talking about..guessing. I mean he’ll have a 5 minute conversation with himself. He’ll say what he has to say and then before I can respond he’ll say what I’m about to say in this weird little Mickey mouse voice. And then he’ll keep going. And he’ll be right. Then why the hell you on the phone with me? LOL! He makes me laugh! I get so annoyed when he compares me to his ex. The shit we do together, the way I think and move. “Stop comparing me to some chick you’re still in love with,” I told him harshly one night on the phone. “You got it wrong, I’m not in love with her like that. You’re a lot like her, without all the rage.” I swear this man drives me crazy! I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I even pray that he’ll meet somebody else or that he’ll get back with his ex, soon. All this consistent companionship is so scary to me. And I think sometimes it’s a distraction because I think just as much about his career and dreams as I do about my own. But I wanted to save that, you know, for the super lucky man that may or may not come into my life. I’m open. I don’t know. The type of investment my soul wants to make into building the dream that my man and I share is insurmountable. Everytime I start trying to support a man who is in my life it just feels so wrong because I know he doesn’t deserve my devotion like this but at the same time it feels so good to give it. I love supporting him. It’s fun! I go to his shows, stand up and clap for him. I tell everyone about him. I go to his events that he hosts. I call in for his radio interviews. I love watching him perform, I know all of his songs (Before they come out.) It feels so nice to be on someone’s team. Someone you believe in and who believes in you enough to put his name behind yours in this industry. I know we’re both just starting out and gaining some weight under our names but it’s good to have someone who is doing it with me. I love it when I see him shining. I feel shiny too. For whatever reason he was sent into my life, I’m grateful. Even though he act like he don’t see me. And I know it’s cuz he still into his ex like that. But anyway…Man..I’ve learned so much about myself by dealing with him. He annoys me more than anyone has ever done in my life. So grateful for him though. It’s frustrating because sharing with someone like this is magical yet draining because… At the end of the day…I wanna fuck. And he celibate and shit…all stuck on his ex and shit. The same shit I say to dudes, he says to me. That whole, “Don’t fall in love. I’m not on that right now. You’re gonna get hurt” shit. I say that ALL the time. But it’s only because I think the dude is cool but I would NEVER, EVER, EVER let him touch me. But I still like having him in my life cuz he’s cool and we have a nice vibe. But they all push forward and I do have to hurt them so they will get my point. Damn….